Standing in front of his apartment I hesitate. I know I'm going to knock on the door eventually, I'm just not quite ready yet. I turn around at the sound of a door being opened and I look up in the direction of the sound.
"Hey Colonel Mackenzie," Mattie says.
"Hey Mattie. How are you?" I try to sound cheerful and normal and I think I'm rather successful. Truth is I actually feel more cheerful and normal than I did yesterday or the day before that so maybe that's helping a bit as well.
"I'm fine," she says and smiles. She opens the door to Harm's apartment "Aren't you coming?" she says when I don't move to follow her. She apparently knows better than to ask me how I'm doing. I wonder what Harm has told her.
"Yeah, I'm coming," I walk into the apartment behind her.
"Good you're here," Harm says to both of us "Where's Jen?" he asks Mattie.
"She got a phone call, but she'll be right here," Mattie answers him "Don't tell me that's vegetarian." She's looking into the pots and pans on the stove.
"Well, actually yes."
"Oh," she says disappointed.
"It smells quite good though," I say.
"Did you hear what he said? It's vegetarian," Mattie looks at me skeptically "I thought you were on our side."
My stomach is starting to ache a little. I realize I haven't really been eating a lot today or the day before that or before that … I guess it's been a while since I was hungry at all, but now I am and it's a nice feeling.
PO Coates soon comes over as well and we sit down to eat. I can see why Harm wanted me to come here. I'm not saying a whole lot, but I still feel included and I enjoy listening to the three of them talking, laughing and joking with each other. Only Harm notices my silence, however I think he also sees that I'm not as closed off as I have been. Harm has a family now, maybe that's what made him strong enough to reach out and try to help me when even I wasn't helping myself.
After dinner Mattie and Jen excuses themselves saying that they need to study. I wonder if that's the truth or if they just want to leave the two of us alone. Whatever it is I appreciate it.
"Everything went OK with your closing today?" Harm asks me. We've sat down on his couch.
"He was found guilty."
"Well, that's good," Harm says knowing I was prosecuting.
"Not for him."
"No, I guess not," he smiles at me.
"Harm, there's something I need to talk to you about," I start off "I'm going to go away for a while."
He swallows "You're being stationed somewhere else?"
"Not exactly. I ehh … A few months ago I saw this add in the paper. They were looking for volunteers to help out with a dig out in Uruguay. They're looking for fossils and tracks from dinosaurs. I was actually called to an interview, but then they called me a few days later and told me that I hadn't been accepted," I thought back to the phone call I had gotten from Prof. Krepps, the man in charge of the expedition. He had said that he had wanted to take me along, but there had been several applicants both younger and with more experience of paleontology. I didn't have any documented knowledge or experience just what Uncle Matt had taught me and I hadn't really expected to get in there anyway so I hadn't been so surprised. It had just felt nice to have a dream again, just like I had when I was a little girl. It had been nice.
"And …" Harm looks at me and I realize I've been lost in my thoughts. I'm pretty sure he knows where this is going, but he wants to hear it from me.
"Today they called again. One of the people they had accepted had dropped out in the last minute and they offered me his place. I talked to the Admiral and he thinks it's a good idea for me to take some time off. Probably would have forced me, if I hadn't suggested it myself."
"How long is this for?"
"Three months," I say. "I'm leaving tomorrow."
"Mac, you can't be serious. You're running away again."
"No, I'm not running away. Well, not from myself at least."
"But there must be other ways. You could try to talk to someone, a therapist."
"I've already talked to a therapist, Harm," I say.
"Isn't it helping?"
I shake my head "No …"
"But," he interrupts me.
"No," I say again "It's not. It won't help me right now, because I'm so afraid. I'm terrified, Harm. I can't talk about my feelings, stuff that have happened, before I feel safe again." I look at him. I can see that he wants to protest and say that he'll protect me, he'll keep me safe, but he can't save me from this. "Every day I wake up, every day I drive to work, every day I step into that office and gets handed a new case or a new investigation, I can feel my soul dying away from me. At first it happened slowly, maybe that's why I didn't notice it, but it's just going faster and faster."
We sit silent for a while. I can hear him breathing in and out. I'm doing the same.
"I need to be away from all of this to get stronger, so I can deal with it all and get well again, because right now I'm not well," I know he's not going to protest against that statement. It's the truth and finally I've accepted it. "Harm, you made me believe that I can be healed. You gave me hope." I take his hand in mine and we braid our fingers together "Thank you. You saved my life. Again."
"I just wish you could stay here, so I could see with my own eyes that you're OK and that you are getting better."
"Why are you still here, Harm? I've pushed you away. Especially this last year, but you're still here right beside me."
"You know when you said that thing. About there never being an us. I was so angry with you, with everything. I didn't want anything more to do with you at all. It's just recently that I've understood why I got so angry. I wasn't ready to give up on us. To accept that we were never going to have that and just be happy with the friendship we got."
"So what changed?"
"Even though I haven't lost all hope," he tries to smile at me "I don't want my hope to destroy us."
Looking at him, I wonder what made him so strong. I can't understand it. I just can't.
"Did you mean it?" he suddenly asks.
"What?" I don't understand what he's talking about.
"That there will never be an us."
"I wanted to mean it, but …" I look out through the window "I couldn't wait any longer. For you to be ready, for me to be ready, for us to be ready at the same time. Especially not when it might never happen."
"You wanted to move on."
"Yes," I nod.
"Do you still want to move on? Is that why you're leaving?"
"I don't want to move on from you," I say and I look back straight at him.
"Does that mean that you're willing," he makes a small pause "that you can," he stresses the can. I think he's understood what happened down there in front of the hotel. I think we both understand it now "wait for us until we're both ready."
"Harm, I …" not knowing what to say I fall silent "I don't know," I then say truthfully.
"When you come back, I hope you do." He sounds less emotional than he has the whole night.
"So do I," I say thoughtfully "Harm, I don't want you to be angry with me, but I know that I probably deserve it."
"I'm not angry with you," he looks straight into my eyes and I can't possibly doubt his words "Maybe you do deserve it sometimes, but so do I."
I start getting up from the couch "I have to get going. Got a lot of packing to do." He follows me to the door.
"Good luck," he says "with everything."
"Thanks," I smile at him. I actually have faith that things will be OK. "Take care of your girls, Harm. I trust they will take care of you."
"I will and so will they," he says very confidently.
I close the door behind me. I don't know if this is the beginning of the end or the beginning of a whole new story, but I guess I'm about to find out.
TBC