I walk into the familiar building, in my familiar clothes. The uniform I've spent so many days, months and years in has always helped me to remind me of who I am, but it doesn't anymore. The familiarity is some how gone. It's not the uniform who has changed, it's me. It's been three months since I wore it and soon I'll pack it down and hide it away for good. This is the last time I'll wear it. I know what I've come here to do. It feels easier than I thought it would. I thought that once I was here, I would feel some level of regret and though I doubted I would actually change my mind, I thought I'd feel more sad about doing it than I am. It's easier too, to know that what's going to happen today is just a formality. My intensions were made clear to Admiral Chegwidden in a phone call last week and he promised that he'd work something out for me. I don't think my decision came as such a big surprise to him.
I walk in through the entrance. Everywhere I see people that I know, I still haven't seen any of my friends though, but they're probably further up in the building. I don't really want to talk to them before it's officially over. Their questions will be too hard to answer. I'm alone in the elevator on the way up. It's almost lunchtime so soon the whole building will be emptied of almost all personnel. The warm day will make most of them want to enjoy their lunch outside.
The elevator stops and since there's been 17 seconds since the doors closed on the entrance floor I know that I've now reached the right floor. The doors open. On the other side a group of people is eagerly waiting for it. Everyone, but one looks like they've seen ghost when they see me. My eyes immediately search out Harms eyes and he nods a silent 'hello'. Without completely letting him out of my sight I see the rest of them standing there. There's Commander Sturgis Turner, Lieutenant Bud Roberts, Lieutenant Harriet Sims and PO Jen Coates. People I used to work with and who were my friends, but I don't know how they feel about me anymore. I wasn't exactly a very good friend to them when I saw them the last time. Suddenly the doors start to close again and Harm, who I'm still intently watching, puts his hand between them to make them pull apart again. He smiles encouragingly at me and I can't help smiling back.
"I didn't know you were back, Ma'am," Harriet breaks the silence "You look wonderful." I feel quite uncomfortable when she says that. I wonder if they can all see that I've put on some weight. My bathroom scale told me exactly how much this morning. "Why don't you come with us? We're going downstairs for lunch." She wholeheartedly invites me.
"I'm sorry, but I can't. I have an appointment with …" I start excusing myself, but I get interrupted.
"The Admiral's in his office. You can walk straight in," Coates say. "It's good to have you back, Ma'am."
Everyone nods and it makes my heart feel so warm.
"That's too bad, but why don't you come down to us when the Admiral lets you out? So much has happened here and we've got so much to talk about," Harriet says excitedly.
"I'll do that," I agree. They're all walking into the elevator as I'm walking out of it. "It was nice to see you again," I say and I mean it with my whole being.
"Why didn't you tell us that she was … ?" I hear Harriet ask Coates before the door to the elevator is completely closed. I can't help smiling at that.
Half an hour later I step out of the Admiral's office. The paper work was handled in five minutes and the rest of the time we spent discussing the future, no longer talking like a CO and a subordinate. He told me about his retirement. I'm silently wondering if his own retirement is what made him help me out. As soon as Coates gets back from her lunch break he'll have her file the papers and in a couple of days I will no longer be a part of the US Marine corps. On Friday he has a dining out and when he asks me to come, I decide that it's probably the best way to end my own career in the military. To honor the man I served under for so many years together with the rest of the people I've served with. When he tells me that we're not the only people leaving JAG, I know straight away who he's talking about, but he says he should let her tell me herself.
I start looking for my friends out on the cafeteria deck. I soon find them and as I'm walking towards them I see Sturgis finding an empty chair by the table next to them and simply with a motion he offers it to me when I arrive at the table. They're all pretty much finished with their food, except for Harm who doesn't seem like he's eaten anything at all of his Caesar salad.
"Everything went OK, Ma'am?" Bud asks, but he doesn't seem concerned. I know I walk around smiling almost all of the time nowadays, at least that's what I've been told.
"Yes, everything is just fine."
"So when are you coming back to work? We sure could use the help," Sturgis asks me.
"Actually I'm not … I'm not coming back," they all look at me in shock. "I've handed in my resignation and Admiral Chegwidden has accepted it."
"This place sure is going to be different," Coates say. I'm glad the Admiral hasn't let anyone know about my call last week. Letting Coates know what it was about, would have been like telling them all.
"I'm going into the reserves," Harriet tells me.
I nod to her.
"We're expecting twins," she explains.
"That's wonderful, Harriet. Congratulations to both of you," I turn to Bud as well.
The six of us remain sitting there for a while. They tell me some of what's happened around JAG these last three months and they ask me questions about what I've been up to. We don't however talk about those last couple of weeks before my departure and for now I'm glad. I'm sure there'll come a time to talk about it, but that time isn't just yet. The speculations on who will be the next JAG are blowing high around all of the tables and ours isn't an exception.
Eventually they all get up to leave and I tell them I'll see them all on Friday. I'm very glad when Harm stays a little behind when the others leave. He hasn't said a whole lot during the lunch and definitely nothing to me. However I don't feel any hostility, I guess he just feels like I do, that there's so much for us talk about, but we need to do it in private.
"I missed you," I say when the rest of them are out of hearing range.
"I missed you too," he says and looks at me. He sounds so sincere.
"I'd like to talk to you," I say. I know he probably should be going back to work just like the rest of them. "Can you meet me for coffee after work?"
"Yeah," he nods "Half past five at Olivia's?"
"I'll be there," I say.
"Good bye," he says and he turns around to walk off, but he seems to change his mind, because he turns back to me "And Mac Harriet was right. You do look wonderful."
"Thank you," I smile.
By a coincidence I look up right when Harm walks by the window where I'm sitting. I put the magazine I've been reading back into my bag and take a few deep breaths trying to calm myself down. This might be one of the most important conversations I will ever have. Let's just hope that it will go well.
He spots me as soon as he enters the café. I found this place a couple of weeks after I had moved into my apartment and shared it with Harm after one of our morning jogs those first years we knew each other. We've been here several times after that and it seemed like the perfect spot to meet now.
"Hey," I say and smile.
"Hello," he says. He takes a look at the table "I see you've already ordered."
"I'm sorry, but I was so hungry and well, actually I was running a few errands and they took a bit longer than I had thought so I decided on going straight here without stopping by at home," I'm talking way to fast I realize. I really need to calm myself down.
He just smiles and looks at me and the way he does makes me slightly embarrassed and self-conscious.
"I'll just go and get myself something," he says "I'll be right back."
This unfortunately gives me even more time to think about what to say to him. When he returns it feels like it's been quite a while when really it couldn't have been more than a minute.
"So how have you been?" I ask him.
"Mattie's reconciling with her father," he says plainly.
"It's tough letting her go?"
"Yeah, it is," he says.
"When did this happen?"
"It's just been a couple of days, but you know they've finally started moving in the right direction and I don't think there's any way he's going to let this slip out in the sand now. I know I wouldn't if she was my daughter."
"You'll always be an important part of her life," I reach out my hand and gently squeeze his.
"I hope so. She'll always be in my heart," he looks sad at the thought of losing her and I can understand him. "You seem to be doing great," he changes the subject "Especially for someone who's just become unemployed."
"Well, I'm not exactly unemployed. I've been offered a job at the museum. I'll be guiding people around the dinosaur-section. It doesn't pay so well and it's actually not quite full-time, but … I'm really happy about it. I start on Monday, so I'm quite nervous. Prof. Krepps recommended me."
"It sounds quite different from JAG."
"That's what I want too. I need to get away from all of the things that were making me sick."
"But you're better now."
"Yes, I am," I hope Harm isn't going to think I'm crazy for telling him this "There was this Indian-village close to the dig-out where we would go to get our mail and supplies. The oldest woman there, she was probably some kind of medicine woman, I think, never recognized me. Everyone else she knew by name, but not me. During the last week there I asked her why she couldn't remember me and she said that it was because for every time she saw me the shadows over me had gotten smaller and she could see more of me. To her I looked like a new person every time I was there. For everyday I was there I felt a little more safe and my soul got a little bit brighter."
We sit quiet for a while, but at least he doesn't seem to think that I'm crazy.
"And what happens now?" he asks me looking very attentively. So far he hasn't even hinted on anything concerning us, he only seemed concerned about me being OK.
"I've been to see Commander McCool, the psychiatrist that the Admiral forced me to see before I left. She's recommended me to try group therapy with people who have all had or has PTSD and I'm going to give it an honest try."
The silence surrounds us again. Harm has finished his sandwich and mine is long gone too. We take a look at each other and jointly decide to get up and go for a walk. We don't need to exchange a lot of words to get to that agreement. Standing outside the café, we turn to walk towards the park where we've been jogging several times in the past. Now we're just walking in silence. Now and then we stumble a bit into each other and I can feel Harm's sleeveless arm against mine. He's come straight from the office and is still in his short sleeved summer uniform. It feels so good and reassuring to know that he's there walking beside me.
"Have people been talking a lot about my departure? I mean back then," I ask him. I was surprised by the hearty welcoming back I got from everyone at JAG earlier today. Maybe I should have put more faith in them, but still some of the things I've said to them …
"At first maybe, but you know how fast that place forgets," he says and I nod. I do know that. It was the same when Harm left for flying and when he was in the CIA, it's only the real friends who still remember. "And I guess I made sure that no one was talking about it when I was around anyway, so I may have missed some of it. Your friends didn't forget you though, Mac. We talked about you and we missed you."
"The five of you …" I start saying "You know it seemed more like it used to be, you know. That friendship and … It was lost for a while this last year."
"Yeah, I don't know what brought it on, but we ended up going to Benzinger's one night and I guess we were all reminded that we liked seeing each other outside of the office," he says. It makes me glad that the change wasn't just in my imagination. It feels a lot better to leave the place then "Sturgis and Bud has really talked things out and I think that helped the most," he finishes off.
"You have no idea how glad it makes me to hear that."
"I think I might," he says and I turn to look at him. He's smiling and so am I.
I spot a bench a bit further along the path and I suggest that we sit down there. What I'm about to say, well it might be better if Harm is sitting when he hears that.
"I need to tell you something," I say.
"Mac, you don't have to say anything now. I know you've come a long way in these last three months, but I don't want you to feel pushed to make a decision about us. We still have time. I can still wait. I'm just so thrilled to see you so happy and so at peace with yourself. It's the most wonderful thing that could have happened to me anyway."
"Harm, that's not what I need to talk to you about. Though at some point we will talk about it. I am ready to talk about it," I say firmly. I've taken his hand in mine, I need his strength and his support in the things I'm going to say "But you need to know all of the facts before we talk about that, about us."
"Whatever it is, I'll be there for you," he says. His determination is almost frightening. So much trust he puts in me, when he has no idea what I'm about to tell him.
"Harm, I'm pregnant," I say and it seems just impossible for me to hide the joy I feel over that fact, but when I see the disappointment and sadness in his face my smile dies immediately.
"Well, that's wonderful for you, Mac. I know how much you want children. I'm happy for you," he says after what feels like minutes, but it's probably not that much time that's passed. He's gotten himself together and he tries to smile to put me at ease. I can hear that he doesn't really mean his words and I can see that it isn't a genuine smile.
"I do want children and I am happy, but I had hoped that you would be happy about it too," I've put my hand protectively on top of my stomach.
"I am happy for your sake, Mac. What more do you expect of me?" he sounds so desperate to say the right thing, but still he can't hide disappointment and anger in his voice.
"I don't expect anything of you," I say truthfully, but I can't help the sadness that comes through in my voice. The conversation is calm and I think we're trying to really listen and hear each other out.
"So the father, is he someone from the dig-out?" Harm asks. I look at him so shocked at the question that I can't get anything out. "I mean you don't have to tell me if you don't want to. I was just wondering," he adds.
"Harm," though he hasn't completely let go of my hand or tried to push me away, he's not quite holding on to it either. Now I take a firmer hold of his hand again. "it's you. This is our baby. Yours and mine. You're the father. There has been no one else." I look at him, I'm not sure if I dare to smile again. Right now I just feel so uncertain about what he's going to say about this.
Harm looks at me, I can't tell what's he thinking or what he's feeling, he then looks down on my hand like he's trying to imagine what's underneath there. He moves the hand that isn't linked with mine towards me, but stops in midair.
"May I?"
I just nod approvingly and when he does put his hand on my growing belly, now I can't help smiling for joy.
"How long have you known? Did you know when you left? Why didn't you tell me?" he sounds a bit accusing and I can understand why.
"I have only known about it for two weeks," he looks at me disbelieving "I know," I say. It's kind of embarrassing. "One night two weeks ago the whole group had remained sitting after we had had a late dinner. It was nearing the end and everyone was looking forward to getting back to the civilization, so we were talking about everything that we were going to do there and the things we missed and stuff. One of the other women complained about how uncomfortable it was to have your period out there. All of the women agreed with her, but I couldn't because I just then realized I hadn't had my period the whole time we'd been there, so … then I just knew. There could have been other explanations, but I just knew," I pause "Of course I've taken like 5 home pregnancy tests since then."
"Is everything OK?" now he looks a bit worried "Have you been to the doctor? I mean don't you normally go to the doctor for check ups and stuff."
"Yeah, I guess you do. Actually I have an appointment for tomorrow afternoon, if you want to come …" I say and then quickly add "You don't have to feel like you have to … But if you can't, but still want to I can reschedule it."
"I'd love to be there, Mac. I only have court in the morning and the Admiral is in a quite giving mode right now, so I'm sure I can get a few hours off."
"Good," I smile. "I'm glad you'll be there."
"It's too early too feel anything, right? Like him moving?"
"Him?" I cock my eyebrows "Yeah, it will be a few more weeks until you can feel that."
"Mac, I'm really happy about the baby."
"You had me scared there for a while."
"So did you," he says "I thought you'd found someone else."
"No, Harm. I definitely haven't found anyone else. That's why I wasn't quite as clear about all of this as I should have been I guess. I just didn't realize that it wouldn't be as obvious to you that you were the father as it is to me. I mean I didn't think that you could think you weren't the father and then I just got so scared that you didn't want the baby and I couldn't think clearly. I'm sorry about it though." I realize I've started to ramble.
"Mac, it's OK. I was jumping to conclusions," he says. He looks down on his watch. "Mac, I hate to do this, but I really need to go home now. I promised Mattie I'd help her with her homework before dinner." Together we get up from the bench.
"I'll follow you to your car," I say. I'm not upset that he's going. The fact that he is, is just a proof of what a wonderful father he will be to our child. But still I just don't want to be separated from him again and I want to take the chance to see him a bit longer.
We start walking in silence, but we're still holding hands and it feels wonderful. I'm so glad to be back here.
When we've reached the car, Harm turns to me and slowly embraces me. We remain standing like that for the longest time. Neither one of us wants to let go. It's hard to tell what kind of hug it is. If it's just out of friendship or of something else. I'm not sure either one of us can answer that.
"Mac, maybe you could come over for dinner tonight?" he asks me. "I'm sure Mattie would be glad to see you again, besides I think we still have some things to talk about."
"I'd love to, Harm," I say and look up at him.
"It's wonderful to see you look so happy. That makes me more happy than anything else."
"It makes me even more happy that I get to share it with you," I say.
TBC