Believe it or not, but we never had that discussion about us. Sometimes I think we were never meant to have that talk at all. Some moments I feel like we've started moving towards something you in the future might be able to call 'us', but still we haven't really moved beyond friendship. These three months that I've been back in DC, we've spent an enormous amount of time together and that has felt so good every step of the way.
Mattie moved back in with her father in July and it was about then that we started spending the nights together at each other's apartments. It had started one evening when we had cooked dinner together in my apartment. After dinner we had taken a walk and then we had sat down in my couch just to talk. For once Harm hadn't been forced to bring home any work and since Mattie was no longer living with him, he had no rush to get home to her. We got more and more tired and at one moment we both must have fallen asleep sitting on the couch, because the next thing I remembered was Harm trying to wake me up from a nightmare. When I was finally awake I was more than a little shaken and Harm took me into his arms and didn't let go of me until I had told him everything about the nightmares I had been having at least a few nights a week since I came back from Uruguay. He didn't leave me that night and we spent it holding on to each other as we slept on my bed. After that it just became a very nice habit to sleep with our arms wrapped around each other.
Today is a very important day for me and my colleagues at the museum. We're opening up a new exhibit and the last couple of weeks have been very intense because of that. Over all I really like my new job. I often get to show elementary school classes around the museum and they are often very interested in learning about dinosaurs, so that makes the job much easier. I like my new co-workers and lately when we've had to put in extra hours I've gotten to know them even better.
We've been rather nervous about this day. We weren't even sure we'd get everything done in time and now we're just anxiously waiting to hear what the public will have to say. Tomorrow is the official opening day, but this evening some important people, journalists and of course most of the people who work here are bringing their spouses. I'm glad Harm accepted my invitation to come. He's never really been enthusiastic about my job here at the museum. He's never said anything of course, that really wouldn't have been like Harm, but I have a feeling that he thinks I ran away from JAG without a proper reason and that this job is a step down for me. I hope that when he sees this place and the people, it will make him understand that this job really isn't bellow me.
Everyone is just starting to arrive. Together with three of my colleagues I had to be here a bit earlier than the rest of them so Harm and I had decided that we were going to drive separately. Harm's coming from an investigation in California. He was supposed to take a cab from the airport and call when he arrived home, but so far he hasn't called and now he should have already been here at the museum. I wonder what's keeping him, but I promise myself not to get too riled up about it. I need to keep my calm and there's probably a perfectly natural explanation for it. Maybe he'll get here any moment, he just forgot to call, but I know him well enough to realize that he wouldn't forget that.
The people are mingling around in the exhibit now that Prof. Krepps have cut the traditional chords off in front of it. I hear mostly positive voices about it and it makes me proud to hear. I get introduced to the spouses of the other people who work here and they all ask me why Harm isn't here. By now everyone knows about Harm, apparently I talk quite a lot about him and as far as I've understood they were quite excited to meet him, so now they're disappointed that he isn't here.
The first people are getting ready to leave when I finally spot Harm. He's just entered the building and he stands at the bottom of the stairs looking rather confused around, probably searching for me, and looking very lost. He's still in uniform, I assume he's come straight form the airport, and that causes a lot of attention towards him. You should think that people living in Washington DC should be quite used to military uniforms, but I guess there aren't normally a lot of uniform dressed officers coming to events like these.
I tell myself firmly not to start running down towards him, but instead approach him calmly walking. His face lights up when he finally spots me and I can only assume that the smile on my face is matching his.
"Hey," I say once I'm standing right in front of him.
"You look so beautiful," he leans over and kisses my cheek.
"I had to go shopping. I don't fit into anything in my closet anymore," I complain a little.
"But you look so beautiful," He repeats again "I'm so sorry, I'm late, Mac. I really didn't mean to. We thought we had the investigation done and then some new evidence appeared and we pretty much had to start everything over again," he explains.
"It's OK, Harm. I've been there," I say knowingly "Most important is that you're here now."
He takes my arm under his and together we start walking up towards the new exhibit. As we walk up the stairs we meet some of the people I know that are now leaving and I quickly have to introduce Harm to them. Since I don't have a really good word to use to explain his relationship to me, I just say that he's Harmon Rabb and let the people draw their own conclusions. We start walking through the exhibition and Harm listens attentively to what I tell him about the things that are for display. By his questions I also realize that he's been paying more attention to the things I've told him about it before than I thought he was.
By the end of the walk through I see my boss, the director of the museum, his wife, Prof. Krepps and a woman who seems to be in his company.
"There's some people I need to introduce you to," I say there really aren't a lot of people left now, mostly just the people who are going to stay later and get everything back together after this event. Since I was here before it all started I can go home whenever I want now.
Harm follows me up to the little group of four.
"Harm, this is Mr. Eric Kastner, his wife Mrs. Mary Kastner, Prof Emilio Krepps and …" I look at Prof Krepps hoping he'll help me out.
"I'm Emilio's sister Geraldine Krepps," the woman says.
"This is Harmon Rabb," I say and Harm politely shakes everyone's hand.
"You used to work together with Ms Mackenzie?" the director asks Harm. He's not that into the museum gossip though he hasn't missed the fact that I used to be in the Marine Corps.
"Yes, we worked together for 8 years," Harm says.
"It must have been hard to find someone to replace her. I mean she's great at everything she does," my boss says and I start feeling like I want to sink through the floor. "She's done such a wonderful job here. To offer her a job, is by far the best advice I ever got from Emilio."
"She has been greatly missed at JAG," Harm says and smiles at me.
"Sarah, can I talk to you for a minute?" Prof Krepps asks me and I agree to step away for a minute.
"So, how have you been?" he asks me.
"I'm doing great," I say.
"And your Commander?"
"Harm's doing great as well."
"I'm glad to hear that," he says, but I have a feeling he isn't completely honest. We're standing outside of Harm and the other's hearing range, but they can still see us and I notice that Harm hasn't let go of me with his eyes. I smile at him reassuringly. I have never told him about the professor's advances on me in Uruguay, but I think he's starting to suspect something now.
"Was there something special you wanted?" I ask. I'd much rather get back to the rest of them.
"Yes, I've got an open place in a paleontology seminar next week and I was wondering if you would like to have it. I'm sure you have some overtime to take out now after these weeks."
"It sounds interesting, but I need to think about it," I tell him "Can I get back to you about that tomorrow maybe?"
"Sure," he says.
The Kastners have left and Harm and Geraldine Krepps now walk up to us.
"So when are you due?" Ms Krepps ask me.
"It's another three months to go believe it or not," I say. Sometimes I wonder if they didn't miss a second fetus at the ultrasound, because I just can't believe there's just one in there.
"I always wanted children, but I never found the right man to have them with," Ms Krepps continue to say.
"I found the right man years ago, but I didn't think I was going to have children anyway" I say and smile at Harm. Harm has snuck his arm around me and holds me in a way that almost makes me feel like he's marking his territory. I wonder if he's missed me as much as I've missed him these days that he's been away. I've missed being in his arms when I fall asleep and when I wake up. Since we started sleeping in each other's arms I have serious problems falling asleep when he's not there. I suddenly have a definite desire to get out of here and back to my place where I can be alone with Harm. "It was very nice to meet you Ms Krepps," I say "But I really need to get home and put my feet up somewhere now."
"I can understand that," she says "It was nice to meet you too."
"Give me a call tomorrow then, Sarah," the professor says and I promise to do so.
Harm took a cab straight here so we can go together in my car.
"Do you want to go to my place or your place?" Harm asks me.
"Would you mind going to mine? I kind of have something planned," I say hoping he won't be too hard to convince. I enjoy driving my Corvette through Georgetown. I know I have to change it for something a bit more practical soon, but I want to enjoy it for as long as I can.
"Something I'll like?" Harm asks.
"Well, I hope so …" I say and look at him flirtatious just for a second before I turn my attention back to the road.
"I'm so glad you're not angry with me for being so late. Renée used to …" he starts saying.
"… she used to give you hell when you were late or stood her up," I finish for him. We have never really been good at talking about our past and present significant others with each other. "Well, you know things like that can make you feel insecure and if you're not sure that your important to the other person, it can easily make you angry, but I know that I'm important to you and that if it had been up to just you, you would have been there, so I don't get angry about it."
"You are important to me and I'm really glad I got to see what you work with," I can feel him looking over, but I need to keep my eyes on the road "that professor … is he interested in you? Eh… I mean as a woman."
I quickly glance to the side where he's sitting "I've sort of gotten that impression from him, yes. In Uruguay … he tried to kiss me," I have to change lanes before I continue talking "But I stopped him."
"Good," he sighs audibly in relief and I have to look over at him "I mean good that you stopped him if you didn't want to … eh."
"Yeah, I know what you mean," I tell him. I know that Harm doesn't want me to be with anyone else. He never did. But I don't know if he actually wants me himself.
We're getting closer and closer to my apartment now. He's holding his hand over mine and I feel his energy spread through my body. It wasn't just an excuse I told, that I was tired, but right now I don't think I'll have any problems staying awake.
"I went to see my mom when I was in California," Harm says after a while.
"How is she?"
"She's thrilled with the fact that she's getting a grandchild, but she's pissed at me," he tells me matter of factly.
"Why's that?" I ask him quite shocked at that statement.
"Well, at first she asked me why you'd turned me down and then when I told her I haven't proposed to you, she was quite disappointed stating that she thought she'd raised me better. I'm surprised she hasn't called you and apologized on my behalf actually."
"If she does I'll tell her that you did ask and I refused, so she can be upset with me instead," I promise him.
"No need to. I already said you'd say no if I asked you," Harm simply says.
"Harm, you know that the reason for that isn't that I wouldn't want to be married to you. I mean I'm not sure I ever want to be married again at all … you know what I mean," I've parked the car in my parking spot outside the apartment now, but we remain sitting. At least my reason is that I want us to talk this through before entering the apartment.
"Mac, I know. She's not the only one who's hinted me in that direction. Well, her hint was more like a blow to the head, but … you know what I mean," I smile at him when he says that. "If you were someone else. I mean if I had ended up in this situation with someone else like …" he doesn't have to say the names of his exes. I've personally known most of them. "then I probably would have proposed to her simply because it would have been the right thing to do, but with you … I don't think it would be the right thing to do for us. Not because I wouldn't much rather be married to you than to any of … those women, but I don't want to marry you just because that's what's expected of us because we're having a baby together."
I take Harm's hand and squeeze it. Right now I can't really find the words to say to him.
"I'd much rather have us raise him as best friends who are honest with each other, than us playing some sort of charade for everyone else," he finishes.
"Me too. I want us to raise her as best friends," I tell him. Harm is so certain that the baby is a boy and I'm just as sure that it's a girl. At least for me it has nothing to do with my wishes, I know I would love a son just as much as a daughter, I just have this distinct feeling that it's a she in there. Whatever it is, I guess we'll find out in three months from now. We decided together to wait until the baby's born to find out.
I unstrap myself and get out of the car while Harm does the same. Hand in hand we walk together up to the apartment. Outside the apartment I tell him to wait there until I come and get him. He doesn't look very happy about it, but he remains standing there when I sneak into the apartment. I take out the pies I've bought from the deli next to the museum, the strawberries and the chocolate dipping. I also take out the champagne bottle and put it on the already set table. I light all of the candles I've spread out throughout the room, turn off the lights and decide that I'm finished.
"OK, you can come in now," I tell Harm who's still waiting patiently outside the door.
I walk right behind him as he enters the apartment and looks around. I'm almost knocked over when he swings around towards me. He quickly throws his arms around me so that I don't fall to the floor. When I'm stable on my feet again he puts his hands around my face and leans down to gently and far too quickly kiss me.
"Wow," he says looking around the apartment.
"I missed you," I say and fight really hard to keep the tears inside.
"I missed you, too."
I lean up to get another kiss and I think we're both ready to just forget about everything and just get lost in each other, but we let go of each other's lips far too soon for my taste and we just keep holding on to each other in a tight embrace. It's like we're both very determined to stay best friends, but sometimes we just slip and afterwards we pretend nothing happened.
"So what is this?" Harm asks when we finally approach the table.
"That one's a mushroom pie, that's crab fish and that one's with broccoli. I didn't make them myself," I admit.
"So you're saying that they're eatable," he teases me.
"You be nice or I'll spark yours with some arsenic," I threaten him.
"I'll try to behave," he says. He pulls out my chair and helps me to sit down, he then sits down right beside me. "It really does look wonderful, Mac. You look wonderful."
"Thank you," I'm slightly blushing.
I open up the bottle of champagne. I don't have to tell him that there's no alcohol in it. We start serving ourselves from the pies and we start eating not for a moment letting go of each other's eyes.
As we've both eaten as much as we want, not leaving a whole lot of pie left, Harm takes my hand in his. With my other hand I take a strawberry, dip it into the chocolate and I offer it to him. He takes it and puts it into his mouth and I half regret not doing it myself, but I know that it wouldn't have been right of me to do that. That would have stepped over that line.
"So Mac, are you going to tell me why … this?" he then says.
"I just thought you and I should get to enjoy a nice evening together like this. You've got some complaints about that? " I ask him not quite serious.
"Of course I don't. This has been wonderful. I'm just curious to why, but if you don't want to tell me ..."
"Well, I was planning on waiting until later, but I guess …" I stop talking and pick up the thing I've had in my pocket the whole night. I hold it in the air between Harm and me and it swings a little bit back and forth. "I've been thinking about something I've wanted to ask you for a while now and when you were away I decided that it's time to do so," I draw in a lot of air into my lungs and then I start talking, the words rushing out of my mouth. "You know how we've spent pretty much all the time together lately. Either I stay over at your place or you stay here, so I've been thinking maybe it's time we make something more permanent."
Harm's nodding encouragingly "I think that sounds like a very good idea."
"This is a key to my apartment, but it's really just symbolic," I give it to him "Whether you want to live here, at your apartment or find something new … I … I mean maybe you want to have a bedroom to yourself and I … eh," I make a small pause. Some times I'm really scared that a time will come when Harm starts seeing other women again. Probably someone with less baggage than I have. We are working so hard on convincing ourselves and each other that we're just best friends that I'm afraid it's impossible that that doesn't happen sooner or later. I will try not to care and only be happy for him when it happens.
I shake myself out of my thoughts "I really don't care where it is as long as we live there together. All three of us," I can't help smiling at that thought "I thought we could try it at least and if it doesn't work or things change than …" I stop talking because I don't even want to think about it not working out none the less talk about it. "So Harm," I try a bright smile "Would you like to move in with me?"
"Yes, I would love to move in with you," he answers me "And I would love us to live here. I mean my apartment is hardly for a family and this apartment would be perfect for us right now, wouldn't it? I mean I kind of hoped we could continue to share a bed," he says mischievously.
"Yes," I realize I might have said it a bit too anxiously and then just continue "I … I just want you to feel comfortable living here, too. Like it's not just my home you moved into, but our home."
"Mac, this place is so much you and it's only with you that I feel at home, so …" he leans in to kiss me quickly "this is our home." He wraps his arms around me and pulls me over to sit across his lap. We start kissing and though it starts out very slow and gentle, it quickly develops into something much more passionate.
For once I have no idea how much time has passed as we've been sitting there kissing. Though we've hugged and simply touched each other a lot ever since I came back from Uruguay and for the last six weeks we've spent most of the nights together in the same bed, it has never been like this. It has always bordered more on the friendship side of that thin line. .
I think it's pretty simultaneously that Harm starts to unbutton my blouse and I start tugging at his shirt. My blouse is soon completely unbuttoned, but I'm still working on Harm's shirt. I don't really feel like I have the patience to unbutton it, but I know he wouldn't be very happy if I ripped the buttons off so I'm unbuttoning them with my very shaky hands.
"Mac," he's quite suddenly stopped kissing me and has put his hands over mine to stop me from continuing to work on his shirt, I guess. I hope he hasn't misread my nervousness and shakiness as an uncertainty that I want to do this.
"Mac, I think we need to stop this now," he says.
I just nod and I don't know what number in the order it is this evening that I'm trying to make sure no tears escape. "Harm, I'm so sorry … I …" It takes a few seconds before I've gathered myself enough to start over again "Harm, you know this is nothing like the last time, right?" I curse at myself when I can't keep the tears at bay.
"Oh Mac," he sighs and holds me even tighter.
"Because I'm so, so sorry Harm for what happened then. I never meant to hurt you or to use you just to feel better myself. Even though I know that it's true I still sometimes have problems believing that it happened."
"Mac, we were both equally responsible for what happened that night, but you were sick … I wasn't and if anyone should have stopped, it should have been me. Just because you were offering what I had wanted for … ever since I met you didn't mean that that night was the time it should happen. I'm the one who took advantage of your situation and I am so, so sorry because of that."
"Harm, you did nothing wrong," I try to persuade him. He still has his arms wrapped around me and it feels so reassuring that he's still there.
"No, Mac. That's not true. We both did things that were wrong that night. I'm not saying that … well us sleeping together was wrong in itself, but the reasons and the way it happened was and we both deserved better. However it did happen and we have to live with it … and I think we have learned to do so, so maybe we shouldn't risk that …" he folds my blouse together again around my front. "I mean we're friends again after all that happened. Not just friends we're best friends. I'm scared to death that we would loose that again, because as I said that's how I want us to raise our baby."
I just nod again and I try to kick start myself and get back into the happy mood we were in earlier. I get up from his lap and take his hand in mine because I don't really want to let go of the physical connection between us even if it can only be as friends. I realize that his feet must be completely numbed off by now after not getting any blood with me perched over his legs. I start giggling even though I'm trying my hardest to suffocate it especially because I can't really understand what I'm actually giggling about, but there's something in this situation that makes me completely unable to stop. It must simply be the tensions releasing.
"Mac, what's wrong?" he asks me looking quite worried. He's now gotten up from the chair as well.
"Oh, it's just … ehh. Can you feel anything at all in your legs right now? I mean I'm kind of heavy and I've been sitting on your lap for quite a while."
"So what, you think you're to heavy for me?" the look he gives me tells me he's up to something, but before I have a chance to react he takes one arm around my shoulders and the other under my knees and lifts me up. He starts walking and I tense up.
"Harm, let me down," I plead with him. I'm starting to get quite scared that he'll drop me.
"Mac, do you trust me?" he asks me and now he's completely serious "Do you trust me? Because I promise you I want let you fall."
I'm looking at his face, into his eyes and all I can feel is a complete and utter trust for him. "I trust you with my life." I finally relax in his arms and I let him carry me into the bedroom.
"You've been awake for long?" Harm asks me when he opens his eyes and sees that I'm lying with my eyes open looking at him there beside me.
"No, not so long. Someone gave me a pretty hard kick so I woke up," I explain.
"Oh, I'm sorry. You'll have to kick back the next time," Harm says and I can't help giggling.
"Not you, Harm. She did," I take his hand and put it under my pajamas top against the bare skin of my belly. It's rather likely that she'll move around again and I know how much Harm enjoys feeling that.
"Oh," he says slightly embarrassed. "I guess it's no point trying to get back at him," he's stressing the 'him'.
"No," I say. I try to stifle a yawn, but I'm unsuccessful. I'm glad today's a Saturday so I don't have to get up yet.
"Tired?"
"Yeah. I haven't slept so well the last couple of nights."
"Mac, you need to take care of yourself," Harm says sounding very worried and concerned.
"I know," I agree. The last three months I've been spending a lot of time finding out what to eat and do, to stay as healthy as possible through the pregnancy. I want to give the baby the best start in life she can get. To be honest I don't think I've eaten this healthy for so long in my whole life before. Sometimes I'm actually surprised with myself that I don't get more annoyed with Harm when he starts obsessing about my health, diet and sleep. "It's just I had some night mares and … then I didn't quite get the calmness to be able to sleep back."
"What did you dream about?" he asks me concerned.
I don't want to talk about it and relive it, but from experience I know that that's the only way to make it better. "You know when I was in Paraguay with Webb, I had to pose as his pregnant wife and wear a pregnancy suite. After Sadiq had captured us he let me be just because he thought I was pregnant, but when he found out I wasn't he … he came into the room where they were holding us and stabbed me in my fake belly. I've dreamed about that several times only now in the dreams I'm really pregnant with our child and … there was so much blood," I can't help closing my eyes in an attempt to lock everything out, but I know I have to continue "I could feel the pain and I was so devastated about coming home and telling you that I had lost your baby, our baby," I can't keep my tears at bay, but as they're strumming down my cheeks Harm puts his arms around me and lets me cry into his chest.
"Everything is fine now, Mac. You're OK and the baby's OK. You take such wonderful care of him already and I know you'll make a great mom," he keeps repeating those phrases and others similar to them and whispers them into my ears. My breathing is finally calm again and I know now I won't have to have that nightmare again.
We've both quieted down and just enjoy lying there wrapped in each other. The sunlight is starting to make it's way into my bedroom and I feel the rays warming my back that's facing the window.
"Mac, next time you dream something like that I want you to call me. I don't care where or when. Please, just call me," he's put his finger under my chin and holds my face so I can see how serious he is about this.
"I hope there won't be a lot of those nights when you're not here."
"So do I," he pauses "You know that's my worst nightmare too. That something would happen to you and the baby. I don't know what I would do if …"
"Hopefully we never have to find out."
Harm's just silent for a few moments and then he starts to get up from the bed.
"Hey, where are you going?" I protest.
"I thought I'd get us some breakfast and I didn't think you'd want to get out of bed just yet."
"I don't, but nature's calling," I realize and I start getting up as well. "I think there's still some strawberries and chocolate," I hint him as to what I would love to have for breakfast and I can't help licking my lips. "But I guess I should eat something else first," I add when I see the horrified look on Harm's face.
"I'll just try to come up with something," he fires me a great smile and I know I won't be disappointed."
TBC