Summary: 4 people and their best friends from my school are chosen at random for a new reality show. Location: Stars' Hollow, Connecticut. Havoc ensues. Set a month after Jess arrives. Shane does not exist. See this is what I do during pep rallies.
Disclaimer: I don't own Gilmore Girls. Duh.
Non-Gilmore Girls Characters:
Marla. Duh. I'm just... whatever. You love me.
Kayla. My best friend. Rocker like me. But she's more reserved than I. You love her too.
Martha. Thinks she's oh-so vintage and God's gift to acting. She's the kind of person who would actually LIKE Taylor and Taylor would like back. You hate her. Got it?
Angie. Martha's best friend. Funny but typical popular queen bee.
Mike. Sporty guy. Cute. Blonde. Somewhat preppy.
Chad. Mike's best friend. Preppy. But funny as hell.
Casey. Hawt punk guy. He's so hawt I have to misspell "hot" when describing him. He's Billie Joe Armstrong with a mohawk.
Eric. Casey's best friend. Smart and quiet punk rocker. Wow... that's not something you hear everyday.
Welcome To Hell
(We see a Greyhound bus pull up into Stars' Hollow. Marla and Kayla hop out, arms linked together, sunglasses on their faces. Marla has a vintage purse on her left elbow, which is linked with Kayla's and both girls are holding Coca-Cola bottles.)
Marla: Stars' Hollow! Who needs New York City? Stars' Hollow is where it's at.
Kayla: It's kinda small.
Marla: It's called "quaint," dearie.
Martha: (coming up behind them) It's called a small town.
Marla: Who asked you? (looks over and sees Luke's Diner.) Oh! Food!
Martha: Oh yes because we know that since New York City, you didn't eat three bags of Doritos, five soda bottles, a pack of Twinkies, a turkey club sandwich, and half a pickle. Then you and Kayla tried to see if eating Poprocks and drinking Coca-Cola would make your stomachs explode.
Marla: Which it didn't.
Kayla: And in the end, we almost threw up.
Marla: I say it was our shining moment.
Kayla: Of course. We deserve a statue of ourselves. Or at least a medal.
Martha: Then you two got in an argument with me because I simply stated that Coca-Cola is disgusting. You called me a cheap Pepsi follower, then Kayla attempted to flush my soda down the toilet.
Angie: (follows the girls) Yeah, well it was pretty funny.
Martha: (to Angie) You're not helping! (to Marla and Kayla) You two disgust me.
Marla: Good. Then my work here is done.
Martha: Besides, we need to find Kirk and Taylor.
Marla: Forget Taylor. I'm starving.
Kayla: I second that. (She and Marla hurry into Luke's. They look at the diner.)
Marla: Maybe we should sit.
Kayla: Maybe we should. (They sit down at a nearby table. Jess appears out of nowhere.)
Jess: (in a monotone) What can I get you?
Marla: (to Kayla) Ooh, cute boy!
Kayla: No comment.
Jess: Please just order so I can get back to my life.
Marla: No no, you're staying here. I came here with four guys who still think sticking straws up their nostrils and barking like a seal is high up on the comedy ladder. I need someone who's a brooding, angsty, "I-hate-the-world" kind of guy.
Jess: So no caffeine for ... what did you say your name was?
Marla: I didn't.
Jess: Well what is it?
Marla: That's a horrible way to ask people for their names.
Jess: Sorry, I'll be more broody. (sighs and starts over) My life sucks. You're somewhat hot and if you don't give me your name, I will cut my wrists.
Marla: That's not broody. That's emo.
Jess: Same thing.
Marla: It's Marla and she's Kayla.
Kayla: I can introduce myself. (turns to Jess) I'm Kayla.
Jess: Goodie. I'm Jess and now that we have introduced ourselves, please just order. I need Luke off my back. He's in his happy mood.
Kayla: Luke?
Marla: We just thought it was called Luke's because Duke's was taken.
Jess: Out-of-towners. Fun. I'll just get you sodas.
(Taylor bursts in with Martha and Angie following behind. He comes up to Marla and Kayla's table.)
Taylor: Are you Marla and Kayla?
Marla: Maybe. What's it to ya, bub?
Kayla: Yeah, stiff, what's it to ya?
Taylor: (to Martha) You're right. They're horrible.
Marla: (pointing at Martha) We've been here for five minutes and already you are very high up on my enemy list.
Taylor: Follow me.
(We see everyone sitting in the gazebo. Marla and Kayla are sipping their sodas in to-go cups Jess gave them.)
Taylor: OK, here are the rules. You live with your host family for the year. School is starting soon, so we already have half of you enrolled at Stars' Hollow High. The other half is enrolled at Chilton Academy.
Martha: Is that an acting school?
Marla: Ya know Martha, not everything has to do with acting.
Martha: And not everything has to do with... whatever it is you do.
Mike: Martha, leave Marla alone. The sooner the crazy guy talks, the sooner we can get out of here and play soccer.
Chad: Yeah!
Taylor: You hoodlums. So Marla and Kayla, your host family is the Gilmores.
Marla: Who are they?
(We see Lorelai and Rory running to greet the two girls.)
Lorelai: Remind me to never run in heels ever again!
Rory: Duly noted! (arrives) Hi! Who's Marla and Kayla?
(Marla and Kayla stand up.)
Lorelai: Awesome. We shall take you under our wing, teach you everything we know. Hopefully, you shall come out on top!
Marla: So what's the point of this show and where do I go to school?
Taylor: (looks at note cards) The point is... I don't think it has a point. I think we just follow you around with cameras and catch catfights and steamy hookups.
Marla: Not unlike so many of the reality shows out there today.
Taylor: You both go to Chilton. You're sophomores.
Marla: Well, duh we knew THAT!
Kayla: Do we have to wear a uniform?
Rory: Yeah.
Kayla: God, this sucks! I hate uniforms. (crosses arms across chest)
Marla: No, no. See, you and I can rock-ify the uniform! We'll wear ties with it, sport crazy knee socks, and don saddle shoes with Hello Kitty shoelaces! Viva La Accessorize!
Lorelai: (to Rory) Hello Kitty! She is one of us! (all four start to walk away)
Taylor: So, the other two that go to Chilton are Mike and Casey.
Marla: (whispers to Kayla) I get the guy with the mohawk.
Kayla: I thought you had Jess, the diner guy.
Marla: Well, Jess can fight for me if he truly cares.
Kayla: I don't want Mike! He's a prep.
Marla: True true.
Later at The Kims
Mrs. Kim: What are your names?
Casey: Casey.
Eric: Eric.
Mrs. Kim: Do you believe in God?
Casey: I guess. I think Billie Joe Armstrong is God.
Lane: You are so right. (sees that Mrs. Kim is glaring at her) Er, I mean, who is Billie Joe?
Eric: Green Day, man. He's the lead singer and guitarist for Green Day, man.
Mrs. Kim: I'm not a man.
Eric: I know. It's just an expression, man.
Mrs. Kim: Here are rules. You will be home by 8 on school nights. You will attend church with us, even though you are not Korean. No girls allowed. Protect Lane.
Lane: That's not really necessary, Mama.
Casey: No, it's cool. I'll hang out with you after school. As long as I stay away from that Martha girl.
Mrs. Kim: Who is Martha?
Eric: She's the human form of the Devil. If you look at her in the eye, you can see how you're going to die and you can feel your insides burning.
Mrs. Kim: Sounds dreadful.
Casey: Yeah. Well, I'd rather have a root canal than talk to Martha.
Eric: Just heed my warning and your soul is A-OK.
Meanwhile, over at the Gilmores
Marla: So, where do we sleep?
Lorelai: You mean, you actually have to sleep here? Next thing you know, you'll tell me I need to feed you too!
Rory: Well, we have the guest bedroom.
Lorelai: And there's always the basement.
Marla: Not sleeping there. Spiders live there. Spiders crawl down and land on your face.
Lorelai: OK, no basement. I was kidding. We don't even have a basement. Well, we can borrow that cot from Luke... So you'll just have to share the guest room.
Marla: Okie dokie.
Lorelai: Then tonight, we're going to introduce you to Al's Pancake World.
Meanwhile, over at Taylor's house
(Mike and Chad look at their room in the basement. There are two twin beds, a dresser with a stereo and portable DVD player on top of it, and one of those "Hang in there" posters with the picture of the kitten hanging on a branch on the walls.)
Mike: Is that it?
Taylor: Is that it? You two are lucky to have this! I even put the poster up for encouragement. I'm going to be the best host family you ever had! (leaves)
Mike: What the hell? At least we have a portable DVD player.
Chad: I miss my family. That guy reminds me of Mister Rogers.
Mike: We should buy some Playboys and put the centerfolds up, just to piss him off.
Chad: Mister Rogers always scared me. He was kind of creepy.
Mike: I can't believe I have to go to a private school with uniforms and everything. You're lucky. Actually, no you're not. You're stuck with Martha.
Chad: So out of all the four girls, who do you think is the hottest?
Mike: What?
Chad: (sighs) I said, who do you think is the hottest: Martha, Angie, Kayla, or Marla?
Mike: Well... Martha's a bitch. Angie's a bit of a slut. Kayla's OK but not my type... I guess Marla. How about you?
Chad: Angie. Definitely. You better pray Chilton has a soccer team.
Meanwhile, over at Sookie and Jackson's house
(We see Martha open the door to her bedroom.)
Sookie: I know it might be a little small, but it's cozy. Sometimes I stay in here when I need to think. So do you want anything? Water, food, coffee?
Martha: Coffee?
Sookie: You have heard of coffee?
Martha: Coffee has caffeine. That increases your heart rate, therefore increasing your chances for a heart attack. I'll have decaf. You know, coffee without caffeine?
Sookie: Don't ever say decaf around Lorelai or Rory.
Martha: Why?
Sookie: If coffee was a religion, those two would have their own cult. If you say "decaf" around them, Lorelai will say "Coffee without caffeine is like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich without bread." They drink a lot of coffee.
Martha: I'm surprised they're not midgets then.
Later that night at the diner
(We see Lorelai, Marla, and Kayla hanging out in the diner.)
Marla: Luke, I need a coffee!
Luke: (to Lorelai) She's been here for eleven hours and already she's taken after you.
Lorelai: (pretending to tear up) I know! They truly love me!
Luke: No coffee.
Marla: And why not?
Luke: It's eight at night. You'll never sleep and if you never sleep, Lorelai will never sleep. Then she will kill you in your sleep.
Lorelai: I only did that once!
Marla: Ugh. Fine. Water.
Kayla: (looks out the window) Hey, who's the guy Rory's making out with?
Lorelai: (looks out) That's her boyfriend Dean.
Marla: Aw they're cute together.
Kayla: He's not that cute. But I agree, their being together does invoke cuteness.
Marla: (in a mechanical voice) Robot robot, you're a robot. (Rory comes in)
Rory: So what's up?
Marla: We saw you with Dean out there and I'm trying to understand whatever it is Bender here said.
Kayla: For that remark, I am stealing your fries.
Next time on I'll Take You To Heaven Tonight: It's the first day of school and Marla meets Paris. She eats lunch with Mike and we find out why this is such a big deal. While over at Stars' Hollow High, Martha scares the acting teacher and Angie finds a homecoming date. Chad and Lane hang out and Eric meets a cool metal girl, Courtney.