A/N- Another long chapter. For any of you who have read 'Knights of the Morningstar', you'll see that I'm skipping a few scenes between Alia and Zoey. This is because those scenes were written from Alia's point of view already, albeit in third-person, and there's no way I could have improved on them. This conversation, however, is a very important part of the story, and was told from Sam's point of view in the book, so it's being re-written here from Alia's point of view. Random factoid- This conversation takes place in chapter eleven of 'Knights of the Morningstar'- same chapter we're on in this fic!
Disclaimer- The dialogue from this chapter does not belong to me. It belongs to Melanie Rawn, author of Knights of the Morningstar.
PippinDuck- Thanks for reviewing, and I hope you like this chapter too!
TesubCalle- Sorry about that! And I'm glad you picked up the reference to King Solomon. Hope this is a quick enough update for you, and thanks for reviewing!
Korean Pearl- No, Alia doesn't appear in the TV show too much. Sam is actually the main character of the series, and everything is shown from his point of view. Alia appears in 3 out of 97 episodes, and one novel based on the TV series. (The novel is where we are right now, it takes place between the first and second Evil Leaper episodes.) We see very little of her, and we have hardly any idea where she came from or what happened to her after the last episode she appeared in. We know nothing about the way her mind works except what we can glean from the onscreen dialogue, and a few chapters from Melanie Rawn's book which will not be included here. Because we know so little about Alia, she's the ideal character for a fan-fic. And this is the result!
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Chapter 11- A Chat With Sam
I couldn't tell you why she felt that way,
She felt it everyday. I couldn't help her;
I just watched her make the same mistakes again.
What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home,
That's why she lies broken inside.
There's no place to go, no place to go,
To dry her eyes, broken inside.
- Nobody's Home, by Avril Lavigne
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Zoey showed up after the challenge had been issued. By this time, I was back in Cynthia's tent, hoping that I could relax for an hour or two before my inevitable confrontation with Sam. But of course, when am I ever allowed a rest?
Finally, toying with an idea I had given her, Zoey left. Settling back on the pillows, I picked up the pieces of glass Cynthia used to make her wind-chimes. It was a charming hobby, putting the pieces just right so they flowed together in the wind. I lifted the colored glass up to my eyes and looked around the candlelit tent through them. With each different color, the atmosphere seemed different. Yellow made it seem warm and comforting, almost like… no. I selected another color. Red. A color I knew only too well. Hurriedly I replaced it with blue, a calming color. Like the sky, or the ocean. Something that will go on no matter what happens.
It was during this moment of contemplation that he came to me.
The flap of the tent flew open and Sam stormed in, flustered.
"Sam," I said neutrally, holding his gaze. "I was wondering how long it would take you."
"Why are you here?" He demanded, strait to the point. "No…let me guess. Your artificial intelligence unit…"
"Lothos." I supplied, wincing inside but showing no outward reaction.
He nodded. "Lothos. He's been looking for me, hasn't he? So he could send you."
"Or someone else," I lied. I was the only Leaper, but Sam didn't know that.
"No, you." He started to pace, his boots scraping against Cynthia's rug. "There's some kind of link between us. I felt it last time, and I can feel it now."
"So can I, Sam," I stated, calm on the outside but shivering inside. This conversation was coming too close to home. I had to hide, had to seem like I was in control. "That makes you angry, doesn't it? That we're connected somehow. But are you angry with me or with yourself?"
He ignored that and continued to question about our Project. "Just tell me if I'm right. In order for you to get where I am, the person you Leap into has to be touching me." He continued to pace, and spoke too quickly, showing that he was tense. I could use that. "And when the touching happens, the physical link focuses your Leap. That must be how it happened last time."
"Considering your famous Swiss Cheese Theory, I must be difficult to forget. I'm flattered," I said, trying to distract him. He was onto something. Why hadn't Lothos predicted this would happen?
"Cynthia and I didn't touch until that moment…and you were there an instant later. That's how it works, isn't it, Alia?"
"It's an interesting theory," I admitted, not wanting to reveal anything I shouldn't.
"But that's how it works," he insisted.
"What's important is that we found you, Sam…just as Zoey and I promised Lothos."
"You're here for me. Not Phillip or Cynthia or Roger. Me."
I nodded, conceding the point. I couldn't lie my way out of this without him knowing. "We have that in common this time." I remembered what Zoey had told me…that Sam was frustrated with Leaping, that he had been talking to his hologram and griping about life. He had been convinced this Leap was about him, to help him fix a part needed to contain the electricity in the Accelerator, so that he could be brought home. I wasn't concerned about that, though. Whether he was here for himself or for Phillip, it didn't matter either way for my mission.
He stopped pacing, finally, and stared at me. "What do you mean?" But I could see that he knew.
"You're here for yourself, too, Sam. For your own life."
He stepped backward, a bit shaken. "What will you do?"
"I know who Phillip Larkin is…was," I corrected myself. "and what he invented. By the way, compared to Lothos, your Ziggy is quite inefficient." This was not entirely the truth. But as it has been said, the human brain is the most advanced computer there is…and Lothos' brain was magnified by computer technology. He wasn't, however, as advanced as I made him sound.
"I'll tell her the next time I see her," Sam snapped.
I thought of another way to get him flustered, and asked, "Don't you want to know how I know her name?"
"I must have told you," he said. But I could see he was unsure.
"Did you?"
He clenched his fists and looked as if he'd like to strike me. I wasn't afraid of him, though. Compared to Lothos, Sam's anger would be like a pat on the back.
"You've asked your Ziggy about me, haven't you?" I murmured. Not that she would find anything. Lothos had been quite efficient in erasing my life…only vital statistics were known on record, because he couldn't deny that I had ever existed. But he had made it seem as if I was dead, and removed as much information about me as was possible. Ziggy wouldn't have been able to find anything that could help her.
"You…" Sam choked out. He knew what I was talking about. Although Ziggy could find nothing out about me, I knew several things about Sam. Where he had gone to school, what degrees he held, and when he began Project Quantum Leap. I knew as much as was on public record, which was quite enough. And, right at this moment, I knew more about Sam than he knew about himself.
I was quick to point this out. "I know you, Sam. I know where you got all those doctorates, your favorite food, your mother's maiden name, that you played baseball…" I listed my information temptingly, knowing he wouldn't be able to resist. I wouldn't have been able to. I remembered next to nothing about my life before Leaping, thanks to Lothos. And I would have done anything to catch a spark of my identity again.
"Basketball," He blurted out. I looked at him, lost in my train of thought. He clarified. "I was on the basketball team…"
"Yes," I nodded. "But you also played baseball."
"So does every kid in the United States," he argued. "Easy enough deduction, Sherlock."
"Ask me, Sam. Ask me anything."
He looked away, then faced me. 'You could tell me anything for an answer, and I'd never know if it were true or not."
He had a point there. But I wasn't ready to concede that one yet. "You may or may not believe that I know all about you, Sam, but that doesn't really matter."
"What does matter, then?"
"If you'll ever see home again." I was barely able to get this out. I knew I would never see my home again, never live a normal life. And I couldn't offer one to Sam, even if I'd wanted to.
The words affected him too. He jerked involuntarily, and knocked into a set of wind chimes. He spoke angrily over the noise. "Is that why you're here? To keep me from going home?"
I laughed. "Oh, Sam!" Even after all those years, he still didn't get it? He still believed that Whatever was Leaping him around in time would let him go? "Don't you see? I don't even have to try."
"What does that mean?"
"Only that we'll keep running into each other…from time to time." I smiled at my wordplay. Not if I succeeded this time.
"You and Lothos will keep hunting me down, trying to stop me from doing what I have to do. Can't you think up a better way to spend your time?"
"Time isn't ours to spend," I reflected. "Think of it Sam. Think about how I find you, and what that means. You don't dare touch anyone during a Leap again, for fear I'll be there the next instant. You don't dare let anyone touch you. Not for love…or loneliness…or even to save a life."
"I'm not afraid of you," he insisted. That makes one of us. "You're not evil. Lothos is. Whatever it is he makes you do to people…you don't have to obey him, Alia! You can break free, you don't have to be a pawn…" No, I couldn't let him see that he had gotten to me. For he had.
I broke in with, "What about you? Can you break free? You're as trapped as I am. Neither of us will ever get home. All we have is each other."
"You're got Zoey," he pointed out. As if that was a lot. Yes, I had Zoey- someone who ordered me around and enjoyed teasing me, a person I couldn't even slap if I'd wanted to. Yes, I had Zoey, all right.
"And you've got your friend Al," I said. "You're only contact with home. Someone you can never touch." But at least Sam had a home, waiting for him somewhere. Even if I returned to my own time, I had no home. I bit my lip to keep from crying out. "What do Al and Zoey know about it, Sam? They go home whenever they like. They look in a mirror and see their own faces. They don't have to be afraid that they'll never see home again."
I remembered how he had gotten to me last time, appealing to any light that might be left in me. He had found my weakness then, I was ashamed to admit it. Now I turned the tables on him, and searched for the darkness and despair that lurks within everyone- even within someone as noble and self-righteous as Sam Beckett.
"Sam…do you remember you? What you look like? Do you even know the color of your own eyes?" I asked. By the look on his face I knew he couldn't.
"I can't remember me," I whispered. It was a painful thing to admit. "I can't remember my own face."
"Alia…" He tried to cut in, tried to stop me, but I wasn't going to be stopped. No matter what, this had to be said. "You get tired, Sam. Just like me. You've told me so. But don't ever get angry? Don't you ever want to scream that you've had enough? There are times when I…" I recalled the time when the Leap had been too much. I was sent to kill a little girl named Sara. Only five years old, and yet she would have a big impact on the world. I had rebelled that time. I won't do it! I had shouted at Zoey. Not any more! I can't kill a little girl! But the pain had gotten to me, as it always did. And Sara's last image in life had been of her mother holding a gun to her head and whispering that she was sorry, but Sara had to die.
And there were other memories. I had been a prostitute, I had been beaten by an abusive husband, I had been sent to jail. In some Leaps I was treated like scum. And all for what?
I trembled violently at the memories. "I hate what's been done to me, Sam! All the things I endure at Lothos' whim…all I want is…"
"To go home," Sam finished, his voice edged with bitterness, like mine.
"Is it so much to ask?" I pleaded. "To be myself again? To be Alia, not some stranger…to see my face in a mirror again?"
Sam backed away. I knew he felt it too, knew the pain and loneliness that came with Leaping were his as well as mine.
"Stop it," He said.
But I couldn't stop, not now. I rose from the bed and walked toward him, trying to make him understand. He backed away into some more wind chimes.
I reached out tentatively, and thought that all I would like at that moment was a hug, from someone, anyone, as long as they knew who I was and accepted me for me. Then I realized that Sam would not want to hug me, what had I ever done to deserve that? Nothing. But I still had to reach him.
"Only you and I can understand this, Sam. We're the only ones who know how it feels. Yes, we're linked…but do you know how strongly, and why?"
Yes. Why. I had debated this in my head over and over, trying to figure out why we had been placed together. And my mind had scrambled to the one thing that game me hope- maybe Sam could save me. And yet, after all I had done to him, I was sure he wouldn't want to. I began to cry at the hopelessness of it all.
"I'm sure of just one thing, Sam. You've helped so many other people…people you don't even know…and I know that somehow, someway, you'll be able to help me. We're linked for a reason. I have to believe that it's because you can set me free." I bit my lip, wondering if I should have said that, then burst out with, "You're the only one who can!"
He paled quickly, and asked, "By…my death?"
"No!" I exclaimed, and continued. "Zoey said killing you could be my way home. But she was wrong, Sam. You were right…if I destroyed you, I'd be destroying myself." Yin and yang. Two sides of the same coin. There is no way to fully remove one side of a coin without obliterating both. Even if one side is rubbed and scratched beyond repair, it still exists. Darkness cannot exist without light, because then what would there be to compare it to? And the same must go for light.
"You're me and I'm you, Sam Beckett. We know the same weariness, the same emptiness…we feel the same anger and resentment. We both want to go home. Just to go home. And they won't let us. We're too useful. Too good at what we do. But we never choose to do it, Sam…they choose for us! And they'll never let us go!"
He didn't want to hear it, but he knew I was right. He continued to back away until he stumbled, making chaos among the wind chimes.
"Alia…no…that's not…"
"They'll never let us go home," I whispered, and it was almost as if my saying it made it true. "You're my only home now, Sam. I'm the only person you can touch."
"Alia…"
As if he'd ever want a home with me. I flinched, realizing it. "I…I'm the last person in the world you'd want to touch, aren't I?" I wrung the nightgown between my crazed fingers. "But…Sam, don't you see? You don't dare touch anyone else!"
Suddenly it was if he had built up his reserve again, and he came forward instead of backing away. He gripped my shoulders tightly, and said "Alia…it doesn't have to be…I don't know how, but we can do something, we have to be able to do something!"
He didn't understand. There was nothing I could do against the power and pain of Lothos, nothing. "How? When? Do you know what Lothos does to me when I fail?"
He shook his head mutely. Of course, how could he know? That was one thing we did not have in common- Sam was never punished when and if he failed. Did he ever?
"And even after he's done with me…" I recalled the tortured moments in the Holding Chamber, with agony pulsing through every vein, and I shuddered.
"Don't think about it," Sam advised. As if I could help it.
I bent my head, to keep from looking into his eyes as I spoke. I couldn't bear that anymore. "I'll always come back, Sam. You're touch will call me to wherever you are in Time. You can't escape me any more than I can escape you. And neither of us can escape what's been done to us."
"I don't believe that. I can't," he said, but he didn't sound so convinced.
I broke away from him, and rubbed my eyes clean of tears. "We're trapped. Forever. All we have is each other. I've accepted it. Perhaps you should, too."
"No. It's not true!" he cried.
I couldn't believe him. After everything I had pointed out, he still didn't believe me? I whirled to face him, angry that he couldn't see it, wanting to pound some sense into that optimistic head of his. "So you still cling to your delusion that one day you'll go home? What have they done to you, Sam, that you won't see what's so obvious? Why won't you believe me?"
"Because…because if I did…" He couldn't finish the thought, and escaped into the night. I cried after him.
"Sam!" But he was gone.
I collapsed onto Cynthia's cot, wiping my eyes. "Well," I said aloud, my voice quivering, "If Zoey were here, she'd ask me how much of that I actually believed…"
I couldn't take it anymore then. I fell down onto the pillow, weeping.