A/N- Some missing dialogue between Zoey and Alia shows up in this chapter, as well as an entire thinking scene for Alia. Please review!
PippinDuck- Thanks so much for reviewing! And more original scenes are coming, I promise!
Disclaimer-All the dialogue, except for the bit between Zoey and Alia that was not in the show, belongs to Belisarius Productions and Don Belisario.
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Chapter 14- Planning
Her feelings she hides,
Her dreams she can't find,
She's losing her mind,
She's falling behind,
She can't find her place,
She's losing her faith,
She's falling from grace,
She's all over the place.
She's lost inside, lost inside.
–Nobody's Home, by Avril Lavigne
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I made my way back to the women's dorm, slamming the door behind me. Zoey was waiting. I closed my eyes briefly, wishing that Zoey would leave me in peace. But I had no hope of that. "You know, Lothos is not too pleased with your prior performance concerning Dr. Beckett," she said. That's the understatement of the year.
I threw my coat down on my bed. "Then why did he send me here?" I demanded.
"Seems to be as much of a surprise to Lothos as it is to us," she informed me.
"He's supposed to know everything."
"He does," Zoey assured me. "Dr. Beckett's appearances follow the 'Random Event Theory'."
I almost laughed. Of course. Anything Lothos couldn't predict was obviously a random event, or so the theory said.
"It's just a fantastic stroke of luck," she continued. Some luck. "Or, maybe a little test to see if you've improved."
I glared at her. "Just tell me my mission," I said, my voice quavering.
"Oh, don't tell me, after all you've been through you still…"
"Just tell me!" I snapped. "I'm supposed to kill him, right? I'm supposed to blow his brains out?" It took all my strength not to break down crying. But to cry in front of Zoey was a death sentence.
"'Fraid not, darling. Seems you weren't too successful with the gun last time. Maybe a grenade, or a flamethrower?"
Or a Morningstar…"Zoey, just tell me!" I pleaded. I wanted to get this over with as soon as possible, to get on with whatever I had to do, to bury myself in apathy, to not care. But whenever Sam was involved, the wounds would reopen, and the pain would start again…
"Lothos hasn't decided," she admitted. "But whatever you do, Beckett must not know that you are here. So you may not touch him." She eyed me critically. "Pity."
I swallowed, then took a deep breath. "I understand."
"Do you?"
"I said I understand, Zoey!" I yelled.
Taken aback, Zoey punched the hand-link. "Alright, darling, no need to get huffy." She paused, then said, "Lothos says there is still a way we can win this one."
"Oh, really? How?"
"Get Beckett to race against Mike tomorrow."
"What?" Her statement surprised me. "He'll never fall for it. He's tried to stop the races!"
She smiled demurely. "I never said it would be easy. But I'm sure you'll think of something. Goodnight."
As the Door through time shut, I fell back on the bed with a cry. I stared up at the ceiling wondering how I would survive this. Did I want to survive it?
I had to do something. This couldn't go on forever, I couldn't keep battling Sam through every decade of my life! It was mentally challenging, physically taxing, and emotionally painful. I couldn't go on like this.
You have to kill him.
What? I sat up from the bed, staring over at the mirror, where Dawn's startled expression met my gaze. The voice had come from there.
You have to kill him this time.
I let out a high-pitched cry that could have passed for a laugh or a wail. On top of everything, was I now schizophrenic, too?
You have to destroy him.
I can't.
You must.
If you don't follow through, you'll prove you're a failure!
If you kill him, the pain will go away. You won't have to deal with him anymore.
I'll have to death with the memory of his death!
You'll forget about it the next time you Leap. You'll Swiss-cheese.
You can't afford to fail again.
I can't!
Rid yourself of pain.
Rid yourself of failure.
I'm not evil! I won't listen to you! I have to do the right thing!
You did the right thing and it gave you more pain than you ever imagined.
You have the ability to dominate. Prove it!
I rolled over on my bed, in tears. Leaping had splintered me; I was no longer one person. I was a sea of voices, crying out, begging me to do the right thing, or to do what was best for myself. Amidst this sea of voices Alia was drowning. And I couldn't save her. I couldn't do anything. I wasn't even sure what I should do anymore.
You know what you have to do.
You know what you will do.
It was hopeless, I knew. The debate was pointless. I would end up listening to Zoey and Lothos, or I would pay dearly for it. And I had no intention of paying, ever again.
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The next day, I woke up, showered, and shoved all troublesome thoughts away. I would do what I had to do. Nothing had happened last night. Nothing.
During breakfast, I came up with a very shaky plan. Zoey had told me that I had to get Mike and Sam to race each other. Well, fine. Mike would just have to challenge 'Arnold'. Hopefully Sam would take the bait, the way he had with Roger. Yes, he might die. And all without me lifting a finger, or a gun.
I could live with that.
I walked into the library, searching for Mike but not trying to look like I was. Fortunately, he was there. "Hey, baby, right here," he called, patting the seat next to him.
I brushed past him, snapping, "Let go of me."
"What's wrong with you?" he asked, confused.
"Nothing," I murmured.
"Hey, where'd you disappear to last night? I tried to call you."
"I had a study date," I informed him, "Or did you forget?"
"I didn't forget. But that was before your 'date' tried to bust up our initiation."
"I know, I was there." I taunted him. "It was hilarious watching you plow through the bushes looking for him, with Arnold safely curled up in my backseat."
Mike stood up, staring in anger and shock at me. He grabbed me by the arm.
"Get your hands of me," I snarled.
"This is me, baby," he protested. "Mike, your guy."
"My ex-guy," I snapped. The library hushed, then started to whisper.
"Don't tell me you're hot for that wimp!" Mike growled.
"Oh, you'd be amazed, Mike. A man's performance on the basketball court has nothing to do with his performance in bed." That really gave the library something to talk about.
Sam picked exactly the wrong time to walk in, clutching his books. Mike glared at me, then at him. He walked purposefully over towards Sam, leaning against the counter.
"Congratulations, stud," he snarled.
Sam looked utterly confused. "What did I do now?"
"I don't know, I don't know, Arnold, just what did you do?"
"Nothing!"
"Right."
I walked over to them, gazing at Sam. "Don't be so modest, Arnie," I told him.
Both men looked at me in shock. "Arnie?" Mike said, unbelieving.
I shook my head slowly, never wavering. "I'm not ashamed of what we did."
Mike was really ticked off by this point. He grabbed Sam by the collar and yanked him up against the wall. "That does it, dweebo, I want you today. At the quarry. An hour. And bring your wheels!"
"Look, if you want commit suicide, that's your problem," Sam said, struggling to escape.
"That's not what you said last night," I interjected. "You said that Mike and his friends were just playing a bunch of crazy kids games. That they had no idea what real danger was like."
Mike glared. "I'll show you danger. The quarry. An hour." He left fuming his way out the door.
Sam stared at him in confusion, then turned back to me. I tried to move away, but he was too fast…he grabbed me by the arm. "Dawn, what's going on?"
I didn't have to answer him. The touch removed the aura that most people would see around us, when we had Leaped. Sam saw me for who I truly was, and I…I saw him again. Up until now I had been seeing Arnold. Arnold I could bear. But not Sam…not his face, his voice, not again…
"Oh my God!" he whispered. "Alia?"
"I don't have a choice, Sam!" I said, desperately, and twisted out of his grasp. I ran for the shelves, hoping to hide myself, wishing, for once, that I was not Alia. But he knew who I was, and dashed after me. "Alia!"
I began to breath hard, not sure whether it was from shock or from running from Sam. "You don't understand!" I cried. "They tortured me. Let me go, Sam."
"It really is you," he said, in wonder.
"Let me go!" I begged.
"I saw you die!"
"It was worse than death," I gasped. "Please, Sam, let me go." I had to get out of here, had to run away, I couldn't face him again…
But he had me up against the bookshelves, and I couldn't leave. "Not until you tell me why you're here," he said, looking concerned.
"I can't," I said anxiously. "Please don't make me go through that kind of pain again. Please!" Save me…help me…
"It's Arnold, isn't it," he whispered. "Isn't it?"
I took a deep breath, realizing something. "You saved him, didn't you."
"And now you're here to change that," he realized.
My voice quivered as I said, "He has to die."
"How's what's her face- Chloe?"
"Zoey."
"Zoey. Is she here?"
"No," I told him, looking frightfully around. I began to panic. "But she could be here any second, and then if she sees me talking to you she'd tell Lothos and then…"
He pressed harder on my shoulders, meaning to calm me. "I'm not gonna let you go away again!"
"You don't have a choice!"
"Yes I do," he insisted, "and so do you." I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. I hadn't had a choice since the day I signed my life away to Lothos.
"You said that last time, and look where I am now!"
"Listen to me! Maybe we can Leap out of here together," he said, and I wondered if I'd heard him correctly. Leap together? Was that even possible? And what would Zoey do if she knew I had been collaborating with the enemy…Is he really your enemy? Has he ever tried to harm you?
No. But Zoey had.
I shook my head. I wasn't thinking straight. "What?"
He looked at me intently, a gleam forming in his eyes. "Maybe if we're close, if we're holding onto each other when I Leap, then just maybe, because we're the same, maybe we can Leap together, and you can leave Lothos behind forever."
I shook my head again, panicking once more. "No!"
"Yes, why not?"
He didn't understand. Lothos knew everything! "No, no, no, Zoey will know, Lothos will know, they'll know!"
"No, we'll just be careful," he told me. "Look, I can't give you all the details but Al's working with Arnold right now. And when he's done, I should Leap."
"Should?"
"Yes, and what was your plan? I mean, how were you going to kill me- Arnold?"
"I don't even know," I admitted. "Zoey doesn't trust me. All I know is that I'm supposed to get you to drag-race Mike at the cliffs." My heart pounded. Was I really going to do this? Zoey would kill me now, if she ever found out…so then I really had nothing to lose, did I? I didn't know. Did I even want to go back with Zoey? Of course not! But what Sam was proposing sounded so insane, I wasn't sure I could do it…
"Alright, then we'll just play along. I mean, if I have to drag race I'll drag race. Or I'll talk 'em out of it, whatever. Until Al shows up." I looked at him, amazed. All I had ever tried to do for him was kill him, and he was willing to risk his life for me? I would never in a million years understand that. What kind of a person puts his friends…his enemies…before himself?
"Well, how long will that be?" I asked, worried.
"I don't know. But soon."
I looked at the ground; it all seemed so hopeless.
"Alia…" He took my chin in his hands. "You have to trust me. It'll work. I'll Leap, and you'll go with me."
He pulled me into a comforting embrace, and I wanted to smile. So maybe I was worth touching after all. I had gotten the hug I had wanted, and deep inside, had desperately needed.
As he put his arm around my shoulders to lead me out of the library, I thought of something that chilled my hopes. "Sam?"
"Hmm?"
"What if I Leap first?"
Neither of us could bear to answer that question.