A Girl's Day Out

Chapter 2: Meg's Horrible Day with the Ultimate Idiot (A.K.A. Raoul)

Author's Note: Hello everybody! Glad you all liked the first chapter. Hope this one is funnier and/or stupider than the last. This story has been totally fun to write so far, even if it does take me awhile to update (Sorry about that :)Anyway, if anyone has any ideas about what they'd like to see in Christine's day as a ballet brat or who you think should win, please review and let me know. I really like reviews.

P.S. Please excuse all the typos that are probably in this chap. :)

Disclaimer: I OWN THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA! ( -Taking deep breaths as my sanity returns-)Okay, not really.
Meg dragged Raoul out of the lair, across the lake and into Raoul's really expensive model T-ford.

"Owww, Meg, you're hurting me!" Raoul yelled, giving her a puppy dog look

"Don't really care" Meg said

"But you're supposed too! You got to be my wife for a day, and that means you have to love me and cuddle me and cook for me and wash my clothes and feed me "

"There ain't no freakin' way that's about to happen!" Meg said as she opened the door.

"And you have to kiss me "

"Excuse me while I go puke" Meg said, jumping out of the car.

Well, Meg eventually came back to the car, wiping her mouth with the back of her sleeve, jumped into the driver's seat, and sped off.

Ten minutes later, the two arrived at Raoul's really big mansion.

"Wow" Meg gasped as they stepped inside

Raoul grinned "Yeah. It's so big and shinny. And you know the best part about it?"

"What's that?" she asked

"THERE'S MIRRORS!" Raoul screamed as he ran into the hallway, throwing himself against a row of mirrors on the wall, kissing them and checking his reflection. He hugged them and muttered "Yes, my nice little mirror, I'm home now. Did ya miss me? Of course you did. I missed you a whole lot. That meanie Erik doesn't keep any mirrors in his lair. I know, how stupid is that? Oooh, don't I look so pretty? Of course I do. I love you mirror." Raoul muttered

Meg just stood there, a little freaked out by this. "Do you always do this?" she asked Raoul

"Mmmhmm" he muttered

"Ooookaay, anyway, why don't we go do some...married people stuff?" Meg suggested

"Mmmmhmm" Raoul muttered while stroking the mirror.

"Are you even listening to me?" Meg asked

"Mmmmhmmm"

" You are a fop"

"I am a fop" Raoul repeated dreamily

"I am a dim witted moron"

"I am a dim witted moron" Raoul repeated in a trancelike state

Meg was going to lose it "Okay, pretty boy, time to let go of the mirrors." Meg said

She came up behind Raoul and began pulling him off the mirror. Raoul held on for dear life while screaming "NOOOO! I LOVE MY MIRROR! Don't take me away from it! No, I love you mirror! I won't leave! You can't make me! NOOOO!"

Well, finally, Meg pulled Raoul off the mirror, but it caused him to fall on top of her with a THUD.

"Oww! Oh my god, what the hell do you weigh!" Meg asked breathlessly "Get off me!" she said while pushing him off of her.

Raoul sat up and looked at Meg "Whoops. You O.K.?" he asked

"Yeah, I feel great after being thrown onto the floor with you on top of me!"

"Oh, glad you're o.k. I'm fine cause I landed on your nice, soft, mounds of fat"

Meg stood up, glaring at Raoul dangerously "What did you just say?"

"Are you deaf or something? I said 'Oh, glad you're o.k. I'm fine cause I landed on your nice, soft, mounds of- oh shit" Raoul said "Uhh, Meg, that didn't come out right. You really aren't as fat as you look" Raoul said

" I'll give you a three second head start. One, two, THREE!" Meg screamed, charging at Raoul who was too stupid too know he should have been running until Meg charged at him.

Well, basically Meg chased Raoul around every square inch of the mansion, while Raoul screamed like a girl the whole time. Meg finally caught up to him in the bedroom, and tackled him onto the bed, beating him senseless. When they were both too exhausted to move, Raoul broke the ice by panting "Hey, that was a pretty good tackle. You ever play football?" he asked

Meg stood up and dusted herself off while saying "No, but I watch tons of games"

Raoul bolted straight up "You watch football?"

"Yeah, who doesn't?" she asked while rubbing her feet, which were killing her considering she just chased Raoul around the entire house in stupid ballet shoes

"Well, I don't. I mean, I love to, but Christine won't let me."

Meg looked at Raoul "Ya know Raoul, you really need to stand up to Christine. Sure, she's my best friend and all, but she's way to strict. You're an adult"

"Yeah, I am"

"You should make your own decisions"

"Yeah!"

"You have a mind of your own. Wait, you barely have a mind at all. Scratch that. You're grown up."

"YEAH!"

"And you're a manly-wait, Erik's a manly hunk, you're just a wimpy girl"

"YEAH! I mean, wait a minute, was that an insult?"

"Nooo" Meg said sarcastically

"Oh. Well, it sure sounded like one"

Meg sighed "Come on, lets go watch some TV. We're missing the end of the football game."

Raoul pouted "Doesn't matter. Christine blocked out ESPN with the parental controls andthe only place I can watch football is at Erik's,and I have a feeling Christine won't let me do that anymore either"

Meg grabbed Raoul's hand and jerked him up "You need to learn how to assert yourself, especially around Christine. Come on, let's go practice." she said

Raoul purred "Ya know, I like an aggressive, strong woman. Why don't we go have some fun, if you know what I mean?"

Meg turned around and slapped him "Don't even think about it sicko. First of all, you're married. Second, I'm engaged. And third, ugghhh, that is just SICK AND WRONG! Capuche?"

"Right. Wait, what's capuche mean? Is that some kinda fruit?"

"Yes"

"Wow, really? Is it like mango?"

Meg had a feeling that this was going to be a long day, and she wondered if one hundred francs would be worth her troubles. Wait a minute she thought, Christine and I never agreed on what the payment was. I could be spending a day in hell trying to win God knows what. I'd better call her.

Meg plopped Raoul down on the nearest available chair. There was a mirror there, so Raoul could keep himself occupied. Meg whipped out her cell phone and speed dialed Christine's number. When Christine finally picked up, Meg heard lots of static, echoes, and Erik's voice

"Hello!" Christine huffed

"Hey Chrissie, it's Meg. I was wondering something."

"Uh, Meg, can this wait? I'm still stuck in a secret passageway, and Erik found me and he's been trying to kiss me and seduce me for about an hour now, and it's getting really old. Erik, stop it!"

"WHAT?"

Meg heard Erik's voice in the background saying "Christine! You weren't supposed to tell Meg what I'm doing!"

Meg scoffed "Christine! How could you? That's my fiancé!"

"Oh, whoops. I mean, uh, me and Erik were just playing Twister in the secret passageway and we got all twisted together and then he tried to kiss me." Christine said brightly, thinking she was helping things until she realized what she said "Oh shit"

"Christine, put Erik on, would ya?"

Unknown to Meg, Christine threw her phone at Erik, mouthed "See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya" and took off flying down the passage way before Erik had a chance to go after her. He, unfortunately, had to experience Meg's fit

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING! I'm stuck here with Foppy Mc Fopperson, going through hell and you're trying to seduce a woman THAT YOU AREN'T EVEN ENGAGED TO!" she screamed over the phone.

Erik tried to save his skin "Meg, sweetie pie, we were just playing around. I didn't really wanna kiss her. SHE MADE ME DO IT!"

"Yeah right. She was wearing something sexy, wasn't she?"

"Yes" Erik admitted guiltily "But, Meg, you know I don't like, love her or anything. I love you more than words can describe."

"Uhhm. So why is that life size mannequin of her still down in your lair?"

"Uhh, I tried to take it down, but it reminded me of the good ol' days" Erik tried feebly

"Okay. More importantly, Why haven't you made one of me yet?" Meg asked

"Umm, you're so ravishing, a mannequin can't be molded into perfection worthy of your beauty? Yeah, that's it."

"Nice try. You're dead meat when I get back to the Opera House." Meg said

Erik groaned. "So, why did you have to call me now?" he asked through clenched teeth

"Oh right, I needed to ask Christine something."

"Okay, I'll use her call waiting and get her for you snookums"

"Call me that again and I'll strangle you with your own freakin' lasso"

"You sound more and more like your mother every day" Erik said

Well, even being the genius he is, it took Erik a few minutes to activate call waiting and(thinking he was talking to Christine) said "O.K. pooky, Meg wants to tell you something. But make it quick, cause I got lots more fun stuff to do"

"ERIK, YOU IDIOT, THIS IS MEG!" Meg screamed

"Oh shit" Erik said

"Erik, just get me Christine"

"Righto"

A few minutes later, Meg heard Christine's ditzy voice on the phone. Unknown to both of the girls was the fact that Erik was still listening.

"Hey Meg. What's up?"

"Chrissie, you know when we made that bet?"

"Yeah. What's the matter, you ready to quit already?"

"No way! I was just wondering, ya know when the guys made this bet, the loser had to pay the winner one hundred francs?"

"Yeah. So?"

"So, we never agreed on what the loser has to pay the winner. You wanna just stick with one hundred francs?"

"Nah, Raoul's already loaded, and I don't need any more dough. Were you thinking of anything else?"

"Nope"

The girls were both silent for a few minutes until Erik (stupidly) butted in "Hey I know! The winner has to wear a skimpy nightgown for the rest of the day, and the loser has to wear one of those Playboy bunny costumes! And then both of you could come down to my lair!"

"ERIK, GET OFF THE PHONE RIGHT NOW!" both girls screamed.

Erik hurriedly hung up and ran back to his lair.

"Hey! I got an idea!" Christine said

"Wow. Let me write this down for future generations" Meg said

"Hey! That wasn't funny! Anyway, why don't we make this really interesting. The loser has to do whatever the winner says for a month"

"Wow, that's pretty good" Meg never in her life thought her ditzy best friend could ever come up with a suggestion, let alone a suggestion that made sense. "All right, let's agree. Loser does whatever the winner demands for a month. Deal?"

"Deal" Christine agreed "Okay Meg, I gotta go, otherwise I'll never be able to find my way out of this passage. I can't talk and look for an exit sign at the same time. Bye!"

"Bye!" Meg said

After Meg had hung up, she noticed Raoul wasn't drooling in front of the mirror. "That's weird. Wonder where he went off to."

Five seconds later, Raoul ran out of his bedroom screaming "HONEY! HELP ME!"

Meg groaned "What is it now?"

Raoul threw himself at her "Meg! Meg! Help me! I'm having a lip gloss crisis!" he screamed

Meg groaned "That's all. God, get off me. It's just lip gloss."

"Oh no you don't. Christine always helps me with this sort of stuff."

Meg reluctantly followed Raoul into his bedroom, which was filled with a huge vanity table, mirrors, a color coordinated wardrobe, and the walls were brimming with shelves full of makeup in every sort imaginable.

Meg was speechless. Raoul stood in front of the vanity while he explained his dilemma. "O.K., the Mocha Moca Frost matches my skin tone perfectly. But, the Happy Hazelnut matches my eyes, while the Mango Mania brings out my hair highlights. And then again, there's the Strawberry Shimmer, which makes me feel pretty, and then there's my favorite, Warm Vanilla Sugar."

Meg stared at him open mouthed "Why is a guy wearing lip gloss? That's just freaky"

Raoul scoffed and (sounding extremely gay) said "Lip gloss is more than just make up. It soothes your chapped lips, brings out your lip's natural color and beauty, and they make me feel pretty. Plus, each lip gloss is unique, bringing its own special taste and color to my lips. I don't want to make any lip gloss feel left out, and it's so hard to pick just one. so, Christine always picks one for me, and since you're Christine, you have to do that today."

"God help me" Meg muttered. She randomly picked one from the selection and shoved it at Raoul "Here, use the 'Strawberry Shimmer"

"Why did you choose that one?"

"I don't know. It's, uh, strawberry. And pink."

"Okay" Raoul shrugged. Two seconds later, Raoul ran into yet another makeup crisis.

"Oh My God! The Strawberry Shimmer is all gone! I used it all up! NOOOOO! How could I!"

Meg sat down, and began filing her nails, watching Raoul roll around on the floor like an idiot, clutching his beloved tube of lip gloss.

"Oh god, it's all out. I don't know how I could have used it all! It was like a son to me! Oh why? Why?"

"Hey" Meg interrupted, throwing him a tube of peach something-or-other lip gloss out of her purse "Suck it up and use this"

"Ooh, pretty" Raoul said, instantly forgetting his minor crisis. He immediately ran to the mirror and applied it. About an hour later, Raoul was ready to go after moisturizing, concealing, combing and blow drying his face and hair to perfection.

"Okay, you're beautiful. Now, can I finally show you how to stand up to Christine?" Meg asked

"Sure" Raoul said

"Thank you"

They both trudged downstairs, where Meg led Raoul to the living room. She picked up a framed photo of Christine off the mantel.

"Now, say you wanna watch some football. Pretend this picture is Christine"

Raoul stared in horror "Oh my god, you turned my wife into a photograph! How could you? She was so young! Christine, honey, come back!"

Meg sighed "Raoul, I said PRETEND!"

"Oh. You mean, Christine really hasn't been turned into a picture?"

"No"

"Oh, so how did she get in the picture?" Raoul asked stupidly.

"Never mind the picture" Meg said replacing it on the mantel. "Pretend that I'm Christine"

"But you're Meg"

"I know that."

"So, how are you Christine?"

Meg smacked herself on the forehead. "Pretend that I am Christine"

"Okay. So when did you turn into Christine? What happened to Meg? She was just here a minute ago."

"I AM MEG!"

"But you just said you're Christine. You can't be Christine and Meg! You're confusing me! Who are you?"

Meg sank down into a chair, rubbing her head "I'm not anybody. I don't have an identity. Happy now?"

"No. You never told me who you are!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHH."

After a minute, Meg regained her control and tried again "Okay Raoul, let's try this again. Say Christine just walked in the room."

"But she didn't."

"Pretend. Imagine she's here Raoul"

"Is she really here? Did she turn invisible? Is she playing hide and seek again? Chrissie, come out, come out wherever you are!" Raoul said walking around the room, looking behind furniture

"Raoul, Christine isn't here, she's not hiding anywhere! She's NOT HERE!"

"Oh my gosh! Is she a ghost? Ghosts are scary! I don't like ghosts! Christine, don't come back and scare me! I can't take it!" Raoul sobbed

Well, after about an hour, Meg somehow miraculously convinced the dim witted Raoul that Christine wasn't there, and that they were imaging she was there, she tried to show him how to assert himself to others.

"All right Raoul. Now you wanna watch football. It's the biggest, superest, most exciting game of the year, and you can't miss it! Now, what do you do?"

"Sneak over to Erik's and watch it!"

"No! You watch it here! Now, how do you do that?"

"Ask Christine!"

"Good boy!" Meg exclaimed, throwing Raoul a dog biscuit (which Raoul mistook for oddly shaped cookies)

" Now, what do we say ?" Meg coaxed

"Christine, can I watch the really cool football game tonight?"

"NO! You know how violent those games are Raoul!" Meg shouted "Now, what do you do?"

"Cry."

"No! Wrong answer!"

"Uh, well, I don't wanna disobey her. It makes her upset. And mad. She gets ugly when she's mad."

"I don't care. Assert yourself!"

Raoul puffed out his chest and said "Christine, I wanna watch the football game tonight, and you can't stop me! So there! Ha!"

"Very good. Here, have another dog bis- I mean have another cookie" Meg said sweetly, throwing it up in the air

Raoul caught it (in his mouth, I might add) and ate it up.

After Raoul's disastrous lesson was finished, it was time for dinner. Since Meg had no idea how to cook, she pooped in a microwave dinner. Which she burned. So she tried some minute rice. Which she burned. Then she tried some toast (burnt to a crisp), a Hot Pocket (burnt and set off the smoke alarm), some union rings (burned) and some microwave popcorn (which she burned, threw out, and Raoul dug out of the garbage, and licked it, since he was starving)

After about an hour, Meg was screaming from frustration and desperately searching for some food. Raoul was lying on the ground, clutching a bowl in front of him, and moaning "Food. Need...food!"

Eventually, Raoul dragged himself to the supply cabinet, got some poster board and markers, and began to write out " WILL WORK FOR FOOD" But, that proved to be quite a problem, since the fop couldn't spell "food".

Finally, when Meg was screaming "Must... destroy...evil...microwave" over and over again, Raoul suggested takeout.

After strangling Raoul for not suggesting that an hour ago, Meg called and ordered Chinese. When it was finally delivered, Meg and Raoul stampeded over the poor delivery boy to get to the food, and then ripped it apart and devoured it like a pack of wolves.

After Meg and Raoul had eaten, Meg demanded a few simple things from the idiot, including: chocolate, a massage, a throne of pillows, the TV. set moved, a stack of romance novels, the list was endless. Whenever Raoul complained, Meg simply glared at him and threatened to take away his mirrors and/or his lip gloss, which caused Raoul to whimper and obey her every command. That made Raoul seem and feel quite like a slave, if Raoul was smart enough to even know what a slave was.

Eventually, Raoul asked "Hey Meg, can I go over to Erik's place?"

"Sure Raoul. After you fluff my pillows again."

"Okay"

"And after you change the channel.."

"Okay"

"And after you bring me some chocolate"

"All right"

Well, as you can guess, by the time Meg was done with her demands, it was way too late for a visit to Erik's, so Meg said Raoul could go tomorrow.

It was now time for bed. Meg basically brushed her hair, changed into some comfortable pajamas, brushed her teeth and was ready. Raoul, on the other hand, had a far more complex routine.

"Okay Raul, time for bed" Meg said

"Not yet"

"What do you mean? What else do you have to do?"

"I need to drink some warm milk, say good night to my teddy bear, moisturize my face, write in my diary, you have to read me Goodnight Moon and rub my tummy and sing me lullabies 'til I fall asleep."

"Just get into bed you moron."

"Not yet" Raoul sang annoyingly

"Whatever, Raoul. I'm going to sleep. See you in the morning."

Well, Raoul pouted. And pouted. And pouted, until finally he realized that Meg really was asleep. Then he threw himself on the floor, screaming and crying and once again, curled up into the fetal position. Meg woke up, stormed out of bed, and forced Raoul up off the floor.

"All right, I'm up! What do you want?" she wined

Well, after she had already spent a day in hell, Meg thought things couldn't get any worse.

She was wrong.

First, Raoul asked for some warm milk. When Meg poured him some milk and heated it up, it was too cold. So, she turned the heat up, which caused Raoul to burn his tongue, which made Raoul run around the house screaming "AHHH! The heat! Owwww, so hot! Too hot! Too hot! Somebody help me! I need water! I NEED WATER!"

So, Meg threw a glass of water on him, and he was happy. Finally, they settled on the right temperature, and moved on. Raoul said good night to his teddy bear about ten trillion times before heading off to the bathroom to moisturize.

An hour later, Meg had fallen back asleep when Raoul came in to write in his diary. He pestered Meg every two seconds, since he had no idea how to spell any other words than his name, "Moisturizer, moisturize, pretty, lip gloss, make up," or " mirror"

After that was over, Meg had to read Raoul Goodnight Moon while rubbing his tummy. Over. And over. And over. And over, until she finally threatened kill Raoul if he didn't go to sleep. When that didn't work, she told him she would break every mirror he owned if he didn't fall asleep.

Needless to say, Raoul went to sleep, cowering in fear at the thought of any harm coming to his mirrors.

Well, all throughout the night, Raoul kept waking up, screaming from nightmares about flying monkeys, the Boogeyman, broken mirrors, and getting a pimple. Eventually, Meg just gave up on trying to get to sleep and locked herself in the bathroom until morning, keeping herself awake by singing the Gilligan's Island theme song and listening to Raoul scream.

When it was finally morning, Meg and Raoul both trudged downstairs to eat breakfast. Meg threw an outfit to wear at Raoul, and he got dressed after changing his mind about what to wear seven times. When Raoul asked if he could go to Erik's place, Meg shoved him out the door while she screamed yes. She then bolted the door shut, dropped to her knees and screamed "THANK YOU GOD! I'm free! No more fop! Free at last! YESSS!"

Meg then plopped herself down onto a sofa, and watched a sitcom, while Raoul, on the other hand, was about to get him and Erik into more trouble with their wives then either of them could possibly imagine...

Please (for my sanity!) REVIEW! And, I promise,the next chapter is going tobe even funnier then this one was!