Evil Genius

The first thing Luke noticed when he stepped into Han and Leia's apartment was his sister's disheveled appearance. She held a kitchen knife in her right hand, while her left hand was pressed against the right side of her ribcage. She greeted him with a smile and a hug, though she was obviously very tired.

"It's good to see you," Leia said, "but what are you doing here so early?"

Luke's face betrayed bewilderment. "I was called here."

"You were? By whom?" Sudden understanding appeared on her face. "Anakin!"

"What!" a man called from the kitchen.

Leia turned towards the kitchen. "Not you!"

Luke lightly tapped Leia's shoulder. "Um, Leia? What's going on?"

"I've been up all night 'entertaining' a guest. Go say hello."

"I'm afraid to ask."

Leia waved him away as Anakin Solo shuffled into the room. Leia turned the knife downwards and carefully crossed her arms. "You have some explaining to do, young man?"

"What did I do?" Anakin whined.

"It seems someone's been playing with the communications again. Did you call Uncle Luke and tell him to come here?"

Anakin ground his foot into the carpet as he tried to come up with an answer. "Well?" Leia insisted.

"Yes," Anakin answered. "But it was Grampa's idea!" he immediately added.

"It was not!" the voice in the kitchen retaliated.

"Oh shut up!" Leia screamed to the kitchen.

"Leia!" Luke interjected.

"What!" Leia placed her free hand against her temple. "I'm sorry Luke. It's been a rough night. I didn't get a wink of sleep. And neither did the children."

Luke followed Leia into the kitchen. The first thing he noticed was a shimmering blue figure sitting at the table. Leia made several stabbing motions with the knife towards the back of the specter's head as she walked past it. Then she returned to her seat and continued eating her snack.

"What's wrong now?" the figure asked Leia.

Leia pointed at Luke with the knife. "Go bother him for a change."

The figure turned just enough to look at Luke. "Come. Sit."

Luke obliged him while simultaneously trying to determine the specter's identity. "I know you," Luke finally said, "but what I'm thinking isn't possible."

"Yes, it is," Leia offered listlessly.

Luke gave the ghost another look. "Anakin Skywalker?" The ghost nodded. "You're shorter than I remember."

Anakin maintained a dignified look, while Leia nearly choked and leaned over the arm of her chair. "It was the mechanical implants," Anakin explained. "It's easier to intimidate people when you're taller than they are."

Leia caught her breath and sat up. "I've had to put up with this for hours," she told Luke. "He woke my children in the middle of the night, kept me up, told the children inappropriate stories, and convinced them to decorate their father's face."

"Inappropriate stories?" Luke asked. "Father, what did you do?"

"Why does everyone keep asking me that!" Anakin insisted. "I was just trying to entertain them."

Little Anakin returned with Jacen and Jaina in tow. As soon as they saw Luke, they simultaneously squealed and tackled him in his chair.

"It's all right," Big Anakin said. "They tried to do that to me, too."

When they finally decided to let him go, Luke asked them what had happened. "He was telling us stories about the Clone Wars," Jaina answered excitedly.

"He wouldn't tell us any Darth Vader stories," Jacen said with a pout.

Jaina swung her hands around as if wielding a lightsaber. "He told us about when he cut off a Sith Lord's hands. Then Grampa cut off his head!"

"You see?" Leia pointed out. "He's been doing things like that all night. One story had the children running through the apartment screaming."

Big Anakin leaned his head back and rolled his eyes. "I didn't know they were going to do that."

Luke leaned against his elbow. "What did you tell them that could possibly scare them that much?" he asked skeptically.

Before Big Anakin could answer, Little Anakin leaned against Luke's chair. "He told us about a little boy whose head fell off." Little Anakin spread his arms around as if demonstrating an explosion.

Luke gave his father a wide eyed glance. "You did what?"

Big Anakin shrugged. "Don't start chastising me. I got enough of that from Leia. It was a legitimate fairy tale. I didn't mean to scare them. But now my daughter, your sister, their mother, has banned me from telling them any stories ever again."

"For good reason," Leia added. Luke noticed Leia's gaze suddenly turning towards a point above his head. Her face contorted as if she were in pain, then she gave in to a slight chuckle.

"Leia?" Luke called. Big Anakin followed her gaze and displayed an exaggerated smile. The children had no discernible reaction, so they might possibly have had something to do with it. Luke turned in his chair and nearly screamed.

Han was standing in the doorway. His face was now a catastrophe of mascara, blush, and lipstick. He rubbed his eyes before noticing Luke. "Hey, kid," Han said with a yawn. A few seconds passed before he registered Luke's expression. "What's wrong?"

"Uh, nothing." Luke turned to Leia. "Do you see anything wrong?"

"Very much so," she said. "Han, go take a shower. You really, really want one right now."

Han raised his arm as if to smell his armpit. "I don't smell bad."

"It's not the smell," Luke said. "Trust us."

Everyone waited for Han to finish getting a drink of water before he scuttled back into the main room. Luke felt everyone was holding his or her breath until Han disappeared. Then the children burst into a fit of laughter. Leia fought it for a few more seconds before finally giving in. She banged her fork against the table, then tossed it aside and placed her hands against her face.

"Do you see what I have to put up with?" she asked. Luke didn't know if she were upset or having a giggling fit. He reached to her through the Force and realized she was trying to figure it out herself.

Big Anakin's smile quickly faded. "You are no fun. If I'd raised you, you wouldn't be so uptight."

Leia rolled her eyes. "If you'd raised us, we'd be running around terrorizing innocent people."

Big Anakin shrugged. "And?"

Leia lunged forward as if to throw herself at him. She stopped instantly after realizing she wouldn't be able to harm him. He pointed to her chair and made a downward motion as she sat down again.

"Do you see?" Leia repeated to Luke. "He never stops. I can't stand it!"

"I was just joking." Big Anakin leaned towards the children. "Isn't that right?"

"Yeah!" the children said in unison. "That's right, Mom," Jaina added as if scolding Leia.

"She's a tightwad, isn't she?" Big Anakin incited. All three children opened their mouths, but a stern glare from Leia caused them to cringe and take a step backwards.

"It's okay, Leia." Luke said. "He'll have to go away eventually."

Big Anakin chuckled. "But not anytime soon."

"Well," Leia said, "I'll take Father over Threepio any day. Father is somewhat less annoying. If I ever knew who built Threepio, I'd rip his fingernails out."

To everyone's surprise, Big Anakin slammed both hands against the tabletop. The unnerving smile returned. All eyes turned towards him in a moment of silence. Suddenly understanding, Leia's eyes grew wide. Then she grimaced, yelped, and dropped her head against the table.

"Let me at least pretend it's not true," she mumbled against the table.

"You built Threepio, Grampa?" Jaina asked.

"Cool!" Jacen said at the same time.

Leia lifted her head. "All this time, I've had that thing running around my home and caring for my children. And annoying my husband."

"An unfortunate side effect of protocol," Big Anakin said.

Luke laughed. "It must be destiny," he joked.

Leia glared at her twin until her head ached. "That's not funny. Destiny my big toe!"

The mood was shattered by a scream from the refresher. "Leiaaaaaaaaaa!" Han's voice carried throughout the apartment. The children gasped and crowded behind Luke's chair.

"Don't bring me into this," Luke warned them.

"But Uncle Luke," Little Anakin pleaded, "Dad will kill us."

"You should have thought of that before you painted his face."

"But it was Grampa's idea."

Big Anakin groaned as if in pain. At the same time, Han marched back into the kitchen. He pointed to his face. "All right," he demanded, "who did it?" His eyes turned towards the children. "Any volunteers?"

The children giggled, but Han's expression caused them to shrink further behind Luke. Knowing that Han wouldn't hear him, Big Anakin laughed at Han's trainwreck of a face. Leia waved her hand at him as if to discipline him.

"That's enough."

"No!" Han insisted. "I want to know who did it! Confess!"

Big Anakin laughed.

The children peered out from around Luke's chair. "It wasn't our idea!" Jacen said.

"Oh, stop it!" Leia said. "Just suck it up and admit you did it. It doesn't matter whose idea it was."

Big Anakin laughed a little louder.

Luke leaned back in his chair. When the children were completely focused on Han, Luke used the Force to push his chair back against the wall. The children squealed in dismay as their only cover slid across the room. All three moved as if to make a run for it. In just a few large steps, Han blocked their escape route. They gasped and backed away.

"The fun's over," Han said. "Just tell me what happened. I won't get mad. I promise."

Jacen stood behind Jaina and crouched as if to make himself shrink. Little Anakin stood behind Jacen and did the same. "Okay," Jaina began confessing. "We did the makeup."

Big Anakin laughed just a little louder.

Jaina ran to the back of the line and crouched behind Little Anakin. Jacen looked up at Han. "We did it while you were sleeping on the couch." Then he turned and crouched behind Jaina. She pushed Little Anakin forward.

Little Anakin stared up at Han for a moment. "Well?" Han asked. "Do you have anything to add?"

Little Anakin looked around as if trying to think of a good answer. His grandfather's chuckles began to make him nervous. Little Anakin lifted his head to look at Han again. The words that came out of his mouth did no one any good. They were words he'd said too many times before. They were meaningless, especially to Han.

"It was Grampa's idea!"

Big Anakin released a full blown guffaw.

Little Anakin broke into a run towards his bedroom. Jaina and Jacen quickly followed suit.

Leia fell back into her chair as if she were exhausted. "Anakin!" she groaned.

Little Anakin leaned into the kitchen. "What?" Jaina grabbed Little Anakin's arm and dragged him back towards the bedroom.

Han folded his arms. "Leia? What the hell is going on?"

Big Anakin covered his mouth. Leia watched him stand and follow the children. Han didn't notice, of course. "Bad ancestral influence," Leia explained. "Anakin Skywalker was just paying them a visit and it got out of hand. It really was his idea."

"But that doesn't excuse the kids," Luke added. "He manipulated them into misbehaving all night, thereby ridding himself of all responsibility. He must be an evil genius."