Chapter 4

Joey tossed and turned into the early hours of the morning, her mind's visions a broken record replaying over and over again the evening's events. And the look on Pacey's' face had cut her deep. She wanted to be able tell him. She wanted to cry, scream and tell him that she loved him, but she had decided that if he wasn't prepared to share his feelings with her and if there was no prospect of getting back together it was time to move on. As hard as it was this needed to be done. She couldn't go to college pining over Pacey, especially when he hadn't even hinted at any signs of them getting back together. That was one self-loathing and self-deprecating route she did not want to embark on. Besides she didn't want to put Pacey through it all again either.
She hated how she made him feel. She just needed to stay away from him, then, if she made him feel worthless. She had tried on countless occasions to convince him that he had many qualities he should be proud of; he was honourable, loyal and sweet, but instead it just seemed to make him angrier with her.

She had stayed awake that night looking at photos of them when they had been together. She remembered his sweetness, sensitiveness and his generosity. And how she missed his smell. That warm sweet smell that only she knew, It haunted her….

How she longed to lie in his arms now, just once more his sweet smell enveloping her, enrapturing her. She would get lost in his arms, strength and security that once wrapped her in unconditional love.

"No!" she berated herself, herself and brought clenched fists to her temple in a feeble attempt at erasing the images of those moments (or was it hours?) of their break-up "Don't do this. It's over". Pacey made it very clear on that damned boat with the entire senior class as captive witnesses,that it was over. His cruel horrible words from that night still rang in her ears, and pierced her heart. The look in his eyes had sent shivers down her spine and she felt herself start to crumble. She closed her eyes and exhaled a long, soothing breath.

"Don't do this" she whispered again, attempting to give herself comfort… She allowed a tear to fall. But only one. She lay back on her bed, her sadness and exhaustion gently – and finally - giving in to the whispers of the night.

"This is his chance to be happy'.

The next day down by the docks

"Well bro, can't believe you made it" Gretchen teased and poked Pacey in the ribs.

"Thank you Gretchen. As always you are the ever supportive proud older sister", Pacey mumbled. It had been a month since Gretchen had told him that she had kept Joey's pregnancy scare from him. And even though she had apologised profusely he still hadn't completely forgiven her.

"So then little bro, what are you going to do with that piece of paper now?" she asked taking the certificate from him and inspecting it.

"Well I was thinking of laminating it and then putting it in a frame", Pacey teased dancing around her trying ever unsuccessfully to retrieve his certificate. Damn, she's quick on her feet!

"Pacey, come on you only have two weeks before college starts. You cant just…"

Pacey stopped in his place interrupting her, his brow furrowed and his shoulders tightened "Gretch! Please! Me at college?" Pacey pointed to the diploma in her hands, shook his head and laughed quietly.

"I don't think so. For one, regardless that I now have this ever so cheap looking certificate, no college is going to want me and, besides I'm not made for college. Could you imagine me wearing baggy pants, sporting a Red Sox cap, and getting wasted at frat parties?"

Gretchen laughed at the very thought of it. "You know you're in the 21st century right?". She stepped close and placed both hands on his shoulders. She shook him playfully before she released him.

Pacey laughed 'Ok, Ok. Fair point. But what the hell would I study? And er…..besides I was kinda thinking that I might take the Dean up on his offer". Pacey finished quietly knowing exactly what was coming next.

"What!" Gretchen spoke out in disbelief. "Pacey you cant do that! You worked your ass off all summer for that piece of paper and now you are just gonna throw it all away? For what? To go sailing? Pace you can always go sailing. You've gone sailing! You cant always go to college, and even if you don't want to go to college there are other good jobs out there that are now within your reach because of that diploma". She searched his eyes to make her point. But Pacey avoided her gaze. He But Pacey would hear none of it.

"Gretch! Will you get off my case? Please Jesus! I don't know what I want right now, and I don't want to rush into anything. I need to figure out what I want and when I do it will be my decision!"

Gretchen was not deterred ."All I am saying is the clock is ticking. Time is no man's friend. And I know you're thinking that you're not ready to go to college because when you do go you want there to be hope for yourself, for your future, for you and J-." She stopped short, lowered her eyes, then continued. "Well, just to prove to yourself that you can do this…...". Gretchen trailed off and placed an arm lovingly around Pacey's shoulder. She lowered her voice and offered. "She already believes in you, Pacey. And you still don't feel good enough for her. Well, why don't you let that be HER decision?" Gretchen saw the pained expression on her younger brother's face. How she wished she could fix this for him, wave a magic wand and give him the answers he so desperately searched for. She moved close to him and held him tight. "I'm not going to give you the answers, Pace. You've just got to ask yourself the right questions."

"I miss you" Dawson whispered down the phone and waited for Joey's response.

" I miss you too" Joey replied stifling a yawn. "But it's late and at the moment I kinda miss my bed" she teased.

"No Jo, I mean I really miss you" Dawson emphasised. He breathed uneasily, knowing that he shouldn't have said anything. But he was tired of missing out at the last minute. He wanted to let her know now, in advance. He had to, he thought to himself. He owed it to himself.

Joey was silent for a moment. She didn't know how to respond to this.

Did he mean what she thought he meant?

"Not now" she thought to herself. She pursed her lips in annoyance and sighed to herself. He really did have bad timing. She cleared her throat and said casually "Thanks, Dawson. I miss you too, I can't wait to see you. When are you back?"

Dawson knew what she was doing;- she always did this. This word-play of avoidance. But he wasn't going to wait around any longer, he couldn't risk it, he knew they were meant to be together and he had to get it off his chest. He had to get the girl this time he thought to himself.

"Joey, I know you are cleverly avoiding the issue at hand here and I think it is vital that we discuss this. We go to college in just over two weeks and we need to clarify, confirm, or dismiss what we have going on here." He stopped just then, kicking himself. He may have been too forward. He knew she hated spontaneous, irrational declarations of love; she hated being put on the spot. Joey liked to consider all the options and possibilities first and then obsesses about them before making any decisions. Whereas Dawson, a pure romantic, wore his heart on his sleeve, which is why it regularly became torn. He jumped in headfirst and Joey's sensibility frustrated him.

"Dawson I seriously do not want to discuss this over the phone, with you, and I think by you asking me to you are being completely selfish and insensitive" Joey vented her temper now fatigue giving way to an impatient, rising temper.

"Ok, Ok Jo. I'm sorry I just felt it necessary to tell you my feelings now rather than wait till the day we leave for college. We keep missing out Jo, and I know that now is our time. It's our chance to be happy and I didn't want to regret not telling you". Dawson sighed. How he longed to be there with her, to see her expression, to see if it matched his. He hated her having been with Pacey. The thought of them together literally made him sick. But as he had told her in the beginning Pacey would hurt her and he had. It was just something she needed to experience, get off her chest Dawson used to tell himself. He knew it was him that she was meant to be with. They were true soulmates. They had history. They knew each other inside out. And this time, this time there was no-one standing in the way of their happiness. This time they would be happy, he reassured himself. Sure it would be difficult at first with them both at colleges. But he was determined to make it work. It had to work this time. He and Joey being together were the only thing that made sense to him. So it had to work, right?

"Dawson, while I appreciate your honesty. I have had a lot going on this summer while you have been away. You can't expect to swoop back into my life just because you're feeling homesick. We will discuss this when you get back, not now. It's late and I am tired" Joey copped out. She had too much to think about at the moment and she wasn't prepared to dredge up past emotions and history just because Dawson had a sudden change of heart and was feeling lonely. She didn't know how she felt about Dawson anymore. She did a year ago, but now?

Her head throbbed, and her chest felt tight. She hated Dawson doing this. Dawson always made their relationship so complicated and intense. She needed time to think. "Goodnight Dawson, take care of yourself". She sighed and lay back on her bed, her eyes slowly closing.

"Goodnight Joey", Dawson replied to his handset, and lay for a while listening to the sounds of Joey gently snoring.

Mariah Carey-Mine Again

I remember when you used to be mine
Way back when
I was too naive to love you right
But now if I only had the opportunity
I would do anything
Because my heart still believes

Maybe you could be mine again
Maybe we could make that dream for real
Like way back then
When love was yours and mine
Maybe we could bring it back to life

It's irrelevant to dwell on the past
I'm accountable for what went bad
And I mean that
But I keep on praying for another chance
Just to have you back
Cause I've grown
And I know how to be your everything

Maybe you could be mind again
Maybe we could make that dream for real
Like way back then
When love was yours and mine
Maybe we could bring it back to life

No, no it ain't over yet
I just can't accept the possibility
We weren't made for each other's arms
I know you're my destiny
We can't erase what was meant to be
Part of you and part of me
If we try one more time
Maybe somehow we'll survive

Maybe you could be mine again
Maybe we could make that dream for real
Like way back then
When love was yours and mine
Boy maybe we could bring it back
Maybe we could bring it back
Maybe we could bring it back to...
Life
Maybe you could be mine