2 September
I know, I know, it's been forever, and so much has happened that I don't even know where to begin. Most recently, I literally yanked Harry off the Hogwarts Express where he'd had his nose broken and been immobilised by Malfoy, so he was almost sent back to London. Thankfully I noticed he hadn't got off the train, so I was able to go help him. I think I embarrassed him a lot by finding him in such a state, but he really had no reason to be embarrassed. He got in a bad situation and I got him out, end of story. I walked him to school and waited for Hagrid to come get him, but of course Severus had to show up. He looked me right in the eye and said that my new Patronus looks weak. I felt completely shocked and just stared. Now I wish I'd jinxed him into jelly.
My Patronus has changed forms, which surprised me as much as anyone. It used to be a flamingo (surprising, isn't it?), but now it's become (and I am utterly humiliated by this) a werewolf. Specifically, Remus.
Allow me to explain why.
In the time that I didn't write, I only saw Remus once, for about twenty minutes at the Burrow. I had just come by for a few minutes to greet and have some tea when he showed up. Arthur made to sit down with us, but Molly found some reason to summon him to the other room so Remus and I could be alone. She's not subtle, but she is sweet, and I suppose I have to love her for it.
Remus and I sat awkwardly for a moment, and then he just said out of the blue that I looked exhausted, and asked if I was taking care of myself. I told him yes and hoped he'd drop it, but he didn't. Instead, he leaned forward and looked me right in the eye (there's a theme with this, I think) and said:
"I can't help but feel guilt for all of this."
So he does have feelings! I'd wondered. Okay, that was an uncalled-for comment, I know, but I was half-relieved and half-terrified to find that he feels anything other than polite all the time. He went on to say how he realised he's taken a stupid view on how I'd been feeling and wished he had just let me rant all I'd wanted to, instead of trying to fix it all. I nearly said something to the effect of "Well, YES!" but I restrained myself and just let him go on. It was mostly the most awful noble stuff, about how he had tried to stay at a distance because he thought that's what I wanted (rubbish).
But then the WORST thing possible happened…well, it was best and worse, depending on your view of extremely accidental kisses. Yes, that's right. Just as I was getting up to join Molly and Arthur in their pretend chore, Remus got up and gave me a little peck on the cheek. Now, I have no idea what made me do it, nor do I recall deciding to do it, and I'm fairly certain my brain separated from the rest of my body at that moment, which may have caused it, but I just reached round and kissed him. A real kiss, like…and I went all funny, sort of giggly and babbly after that. Remus looked a bit uncomfortable, so I tried to joke my way out of it, but the damage has been done. Hopefully, my brain will come back into play next time I'm faced with someone I'm annoyed at. Otherwise I'll be kissing left, right, and centre.
-Tonks
6 September
Kingsley was kind enough to point out to me that Scrimgeour looks a bit like a lion, and ever since then it's all I can see. Every time I look at him, a roar plays in my head and it's all I can do to keep from laughing. I think it's really getting on his nerves (which is nice), and I've heard more than one lioness joke from Fred and George, which reminds me…
If there is a single wizard in Britain who hasn't seen their new store, Weasley's Wizard Wheezes in Diagon Alley, it is imperative that they go. I'd been having a rather bad day on duty, so that afternoon, Hagrid covered for me for a bit while I took a couple hours off. I didn't really know where to go, so I just went to Diagon Alley and walked around for a while, and there it was, in all its glory.
The shop is, of course, gigantic, because what else would one expect from those two? It was nice to see them, as well. They both joked about my new, rather boring, appearance, and kept requesting the pink hair to return, but I told them "all in good time". Fred kept interrogating me about the kids at school, especially Ginny, and as soon as her name came up, George jumped right in with his own questions about her activities. It is sweet how they worry about her, but she can take care of herself. She's a smart girl, and a tough one. I told them not to be so protective, that Ron was there to look out for her. Of course, that only made George scoff and Fred say, "Ron, look out for Ginny? He can barely look out two inches past those clown feet of his."
Well, I felt that was a bit unfair, and I said so. I know that Ron's just as caring towards his little sister as the other boys, even if he can be a bit dim when it comes to certain things. Well, not dim really, that's the wrong word, but it's the best I can think of at the moment. Anyway, Fred went off to help a customer, so George and I chatted for a bit longer, first about the other Weasleys, and then about none other than Remus Lupin. I swear, I've been trying to forget about him as much as I can lately, and it seems all people can do is ask me how he is and where he is and what he's been up to lately. I don't know any of it, really, except that he's living with the werewolves, but I don't know where he is, and worst of all, I don't know if he's okay. I suppose people ask me because they know he and I hang around a lot together, but I wish they wouldn't. It makes me really nervous because I'm terribly worried about him.
9 September
Broke a toe opening a door this morning. It seems only I could manage a feat like that.
-Tonks
10 September
Removed that door from its hinges, because when I opened it this morning, I scraped across the top of my foot and bled all over my rug. It was disgusting and rather painful.
-Tonks
13 September
I went to the Three Broomsticks for a drink today, just a quick butterbeer because it was a bit nippy out, and I was completely miffed by Rosmerta. Normally she and I have a little chat, but she just handed me the drink and walked away. I suspect she didn't recognize me without the mad hair.
-Tonks
19 September
Something so incredibly sweet happened today that I can't help but feel I must go back and scratch out every cross thing I ever said about Remus and replace it all with the letter he sent me today:
Tonks –
I know I've been distant lately, and I know I haven't treated you as well as I should have. I'd like you to know how very sorry I am for the way I've been behaving. You deserve the utmost respect and caring in return for all you give to everyone else. If I may be perfectly honest, I'd like to say that you are one of the kindest people I've ever known. Not only did you not even bat an eye when you discovered what I am, but you have made it a point to be sure that I don't bat an eye either.
You know that I will be living among the werewolves. Not ones like myself, but those who have lived entirely as outcasts, detesting normal wizards and siding with Voldemort. I don't wish to frighten you, but you must understand that the work I will be doing is extremely dangerous, and there is always the possibility that I will not return. Therefore, in case I do not see you again, I want you to know the love I have for you, and how I hope to see you very soon.
Yours truly,
Remus
Well, goodness. I don't even know how to react to that, except to feel terribly ashamed for acting like such a prat and AMAZINGLY ELATED that he LOVES me and horrifically worried that he will be hurt or killed and UTTERLY FLATTERED that he thinks I'm so wonderful.
I seem to have become a human spinning wheel of emotions. I wonder if normal people act like this?
-Tonks
8 October
I've been meaning to write, but I haven't had the time. I did write back to Remus, but my letter wasn't quite as good. I mostly just told him that I love him back and that he'd better take care of himself. I still haven't heard from him, though, so I've been going spare about it all.
Hagrid really is the best person to talk to when you're down (besides the obvious person, I mean, but as he's away, I can't exactly talk to him, can I?), especially because when you look at the problems he has, yours seem relatively small. He's got no family, and people are constantly judging him because he's half-giant, which really is ridiculous because it's not as though he can control that, can he? But that's the same as when people judge me because I'm half-Muggle.
Anyway, I've spent a bit of time in Hagrid's hut, just chatting with him and drinking what can only be described as vats of tea. He really has got the most enormous dishes and such I've ever seen, and even though he's, well, giant himself, they're massive! I've broken two just because they were heavier than I had expected. I really should not be allowed to handle anything even slightly fragile.
-Tonks
10 October
Rare word from Dad! He just wrote to ask me what's new, how I've been, what colour my hair is now. I sadly had to report that I'm now stationed at Hogsmeade, trying to keep innocent villagers and students from being attacked by vicious Death Eaters, that I've been positively morose, and that my hair looks as though I've attached a rat to my scalp. Although I didn't say that in so many words. What I actually said was that I've been working hard to keep the wizarding world safe, that I've been all right, and that my hair is brown. No need to worry him.
Molly sent me a dozen apple tartlets, which I gobbled in about a dozen seconds. She really is the most wonderful cook, and such a maternal woman. I've really appreciated how she's cared for me. I think she's been worrying about how thin I've got (which I have, I've lost a bit of weight. Not so much that she should really be concerned, but a bit), so I took the hint. Next time I see her, I'll be sure to try to make myself look a bit plumper. If I can, that is. I've been having some trouble with changing my appearance. It's happened before, right after my friend's mum died when I was younger, but it's never lasted this long.
Hagrid noticed that first. Right off the bat when I saw him on Thursday, he asked why I haven't been as bright lately. When I told him I've had difficulty, he said it's probably something deep down that's troubling me, and I'll fix it when it's the right time. For someone who only had three years of school, he really can be brilliant when he wants to be.
-Tonks
12 October
I wrote to Remus again, but I sent it to the Burrow instead of telling the post owl to go directly to wherever he is. I figured that an owl bearing news from the outside world wouldn't sit well with a pack of bloodthirsty werewolves, and I trust Molly and Arthur won't read the letter. All I said in it was that I hope he's all right, that he's being careful and not doing anything rash (as though I need to warn him about that, he's so bloody rational). I really hope someone's able to get it to him without it being found out.
15 October
The Hogwarts students had a trip to the village today, and I had a very interesting encounter with Harry and Mundungus. I was standing off at a distance, trying hard not to freeze to death as it was horribly windy and sleety, when I heard a shout. Ever the alert Auror, I turned to see Harry quite literally pinning Mundungus up against the Three Broomsticks, who looked as though he was about to faint for lack of oxygen. I knew something was very wrong, so I started sprinting toward them.
While I respect Harry enormously and I believe he has every right to lash out every so often, what with all he deals with, I didn't want him doing anything stupid, so I did a quick charm that made him let go of Dung. That, though, was when I saw the source of the problem – Dung had obviously been trying to peddle some of Sirius's old stuff, some goblets he'd taken the crest off of and such. As soon as I saw that, I regretted making Harry let him go and almost tried to stop Mundungus, but he'd already Apparated.
Harry let loose a few swear words and was practically ranting. I told him that there wasn't a point in yelling and just to get into the pub to the warmth. I don't know what came over me just then, but that little bit of anger I had felt had faded, and I felt really apathetic. I think that when I told Harry there was no point, I sort of realised that there really wasn't. I wasn't just saying it, I knew it. There was no need to try and make Dung into an honest man, because he never will be. There's no need to try and save Sirius's things because he hated them anyway, and they're just things. They won't last.
19 October
Still no word from Remus. It's been a month. I don't know whether he's just not writing because he doesn't feel like it, or because he thinks it'll scare me, or because he can't, like if he's injured or something. I have no idea how to take it.
31 October
Halloween, and it's COLD.
19 November
It's officially been two months since I heard from Remus, and I don't know what to make of it. Arthur wrote to me to say they hadn't figured out a way to get my letter to Remus, which is horribly disappointing to me, because I don't even know if he's still alive. Seriously, I have no idea his state right now, and I could just cry for worry. And like I said, I'm not so much a crier. I do it sometimes, but only if something really, really, REALLY upsets me.
I also got a note from Kingsley, and he let me know that Reedbuck got in some minor trouble for filing some paperwork incorrectly. It's a small victory, but a victory nonetheless.
-Tonks