19 December
Three months since I've heard from Remus. I heard from Arthur and Molly, of course, because they worry about me as though they were my own parents. Molly invited me to come for Christmas, but I really don't think I can face all that holiday cheer, not when I'm so preoccupied with everything else. I got the feeling she's invited Remus as well, but now I've gone from worried about him to upset he hasn't written, and quite frankly, even if he's there, I don't much want to see him because he hasn't had the courtesy to send me so much as a note to let me know he's okay. Very inconsiderate, if you ask me. I'd have contacted everyone straight away to let them know I was still breathing properly if I'd been in his position, but that's me.
Dad also asked me to come round for the holidays, but I said I was going to the Weasley's. I don't really know why, but I just feel I ought not to burden everyone with my gloom. I've never been much of an actress, and I don't think I could hide how I'm feeling, and I don't want to ruin everyone else's fun. Ugh – I'm such a bummer lately, and I can't even quite work out why. Well, yes I can, but I sort of already have in this little notebook, so I won't bother starting from the beginning.
Normally, when I felt like this, I would turn to Remus, because he's always good at listening and giving advice, but who am I supposed to talk to when he's the cause of a lot of my distress? I know I sound melodramatic, sorry, but I really feel I've gone off my rocker a bit.
22 December
Dad sent my Christmas present early. He got me an old album by the Weird Sisters, and one by Strange Snow, another band I like a lot. While I appreciate the gesture, I haven't got a record player here, since all the magic around here affects the electricity. This is annoying, because I also haven't got a radio to listen to the WWN.
25 December
Molly sent me another owl pleading for me to join them for Christmas lunch, saying she knows I'm spending the day by myself and that she invited Remus and Harry's there and everything would be perfectly lovely if I went over, but I just can't make myself do it. I'm falling into some strange type of apathy lately where I just don't care. I'm sort of numb to a lot lately, and it's weird to me. Usually I'm really passionate about everything. Maybe it's just a wintertime thing.
28 December
It's Kingsley's birthday. I sent him a card, but couldn't figure out what to give to him for a gift. He's not one for sweets, so no Honeydukes, and honestly, he's a bit of an enigma anyway as far as interests are concerned, so it was a lost cause walking around Hogsmeade (especially considering how many shops are closed for whichever reason).
I've just reread that sentence and realised how long it goes on. Dad would murder me over it – he's a grammar fanatic.
Anyway, I finally cracked and just wrote Remus myself. I figured if I did, it might motivate him to write me back. We'll see how that goes.
-Tonks
3 January
A new year, a new attitude, and (hopefully) a new hairstyle?
Remus wrote back, and I think I love him a bit more. Yes, it's official, I love him. I thought for a while it was just me being a silly girl, but the more I think about it, the more I realise how much I care for him. It's not just like a friendship, and it's not a crush. I really do love him.
Anyway, he didn't write a very long letter. All he said was that he was sorry for not writing and that he hoped I was well. I know it doesn't sound like much, but it meant a lot to me.
-Tonks
22 February
I haven't wanted to write lately. I saw Remus really briefly in mid-January. We met in Hogsmeade, and of course we got to talking about the infamous us. I totally lost it and got really angry with him, because of course he went back to the whole "I'm too old/poor/dangerous" bit. It's become a mantra for him. And while I appreciate the concern, it's really ridiculous.
I don't remember if I wrote about this earlier, and I can't be bothered to go back and check, so I'll just put it here. Before Remus went off werewolfing, he and I had a serious talk. I went on about how scared I was for him, and he said he cared too much for me to see me that upset. Or something to that effect anyway. The point is, I had wanted to talk about it for a while, but hadn't had the chance to.
The whole meeting was disastrous and left us no further on than we'd started with. Even worse, he seems to think he really is dangerous, which is ridiculous. The man drinks Wolfsbane like water when the time comes, and he's still afraid he'd somehow hurt me. I told him quite frankly that if something were to go wrong, I'm quite capable of buggering off. But he didn't accept that. I know he thinks he's being smart about it all, but he's not. He's denying both of us happiness and it's driving me mad.
Kingsley was in the paper beside the Muggle Prime Minister. I still don't know how he managed, since he's only acting as a secretary or something. I wrote him to ask how he weaselled his way into the Muggle newspaper, but he just wrote back to say that it was his turn to have a photo over a bad story. That made me smile. I miss Kingsley a lot.
Ginny Weasley also wrote to me, which was very sweet. She just asked how I was and if I'd be in Hogsmeade during their next visit. She definitely inherited a lot of her mum's traits as far as being maternal goes, though she's less of a worrier by far. Still, it's nice to know that someone else is being raised right when all this madness is going on.
-Tonks
25 February
"Is it possible disdain should die when she has such meet food to feed it as Signor Benedick?"
Read that, interpret it, and know that Remus has become the Benedick to my Beatrice. Only neither of us has got a horde of friends to talk loudly, pretending they don't know we're there, about how each is in love with the other when truly each wants to thump the other. And we're not so stupid as to fall for that trick.
Sorry, I'm just ready to yell at anything that comes too closely.
1 March
Ron's birthday, and he celebrated by getting poisoned somehow. No idea how, no idea why, and thank goodness Harry had the right mind to get a bezoar to stop it. Fred and George have been trying to cheer up Hermione by joking that Ron's third birthday was much worse – they had turned his teddy bear into a spider that day. Nothing doing, though, because Hermione looked as though she'd been frozen. Poor thing, I know she's been down about Ron going out with Lavender (don't ask how I know all this gossip, because it's a really long story involving Ginny, Fred, George, and something about plungers). I wished I could have taken her aside and talked with her, because I know exactly how she's feeling lately, but I just couldn't. I only popped by for a few seconds to say hello, then I headed off.
I also bought myself a record player so I can actually listen to those albums Dad got me.
-Tonks
3 March
My Strange Snow record is acting a bit off lately. It keeps skipping on the song "Hot Ice", and I can't even get "Girdle Round the Earth" to work. I think it might be scratched, since I knocked over the record player the other day and it fell on the floor. Ah, well, it's not too expensive to get another one.
I know I said before that Ginny is quite maternal for her age, but I'm mentioning it again. It's really amazing to see how seven kids, all raised by the same parents, can turn out so different. Bill's a lot like his dad, but he can be as silly as the twins. Charlie's like his mum, but more laid back. Percy…well, we won't go there. The twins definitely are a hybrid of their parents, and I'm not joking there. I know they're mad and normally don't seem to take anything seriously, but they really are very talented and can be quite sweet, especially about Ginny. They do like to protect her. Ron's so much like his father that it's frightening, and Ginny is a bit of a crossbreed as well. I see her mum's caring and her dad's sensibility, which is such a great way to be.
I'm bringing all this up because I wrote back to her to let her know I'm okay (lie) and she totally caught me in that lie (bloody clever girl). She wrote a very stern note telling me I'd better get everything sorted out soon or I'll drive myself a little mad. And she's absolutely right. I've made up my mind to talk to Remus soon and set him straight about that ridiculous vein he keeps going on every time we meet. He is sweet, bless him, and I know he's just trying to be all noble and such, but it's getting really obnoxious. Well, more than obnoxious, but I don't really know what word to use in its place.