1Title: Silver and Cold
Author: Shiakuu Hitome
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: slash (mild), self harm, spoilers for OotP
Summary: Remus reflects on Sirius.
Notes: Not beta'd. Songfic to AFI's Silver and Cold, which I do not own. No definite references to the song, and certainly no direct lyrics, but that's what was on repeat when I was writing this, and it was written with the lyrics in mind. Once again, not beta'd, so if you'd like to give me some CONSTRUCTIVE criticism, it would be much appreciated. Also: set in my not-as-of-yet written, slightly AU 'verse, so there's a reference to a character you wouldn't really expect here.
I fell in love with you long ago. I loved you with all that I was. And I still do. And now, with you gone, and all hope of return is lost, I can think of you without taint. I can shove all your faults into darkness. Every wrong you've done can be taken on by me. I can destroy any of your negatives with the color of your eyes, from within me. Silver. Strike out all your sins with silver, from within me. Everything I do is for you.
The poetry in that appeals to me. The one benefit of the wolf. Your eyes have always been, and will continue to be my downfall. I'm so sorry. So, so sorry. We lost so many years in our distrust, and now that you're gone, I can finally take all that fault on myself. You deserve none of it, where you are.
You brought me out of the torment and darkness of my soul, at a time when I still should have been pure. Your innocence and your lack of it, it all made me fall for you harder and faster. How an eleven year old boy can fall in love is beyond me, but I cannot remember a time when I knew you and didn't love you.
Black, they call you. Black and evil. You're not. You're light, and good, and all the blackness of your life can be dragged to the center of my being, and struck out with a slash of silver.
It burns cold. I can almost feel you with me again, your eyes reflected out of the blade. But I'm weak. I can't make any more serious than a shallow cut across my arm, and not even in such a way as I'll die from the blood loss. Though, I suppose if I could die from blood loss, I would have long ago. Without a deeper cut, I make another. And another. And another. My arm is numb with cold now. And yet, I can still barely feel you with me.
I make another slice, this time across my belly, carefully avoiding the tattoo of Padfoot there. That is the only part of my scarred and battered body that has remained untouched since I had you permanently etched into my skin. The wolf has always known its mate, and how powerful that small patch of skin is to him. I will not harm it now.
I finally gather the fortitude to make a proper cut, deep and long. I begin to press the blade deeper, but then comes a gasp from the doorway. Blue-white ice bores into me. So close to silver, and yet...not.
"Remus!" the boy behind those almost-silver eyes calls. "What are you doing?" The knife is wrenched from my grasp. "This is silver! You could have killed yourself!"
I chuckle to myself. No. Not killed myself. He's missing the point. I would have saved you. Your memory. To all, not just me.
And then the magnitude of what I was doing hits me like the pain of another cut from that silver knife. I gasp out loud, but one thought overrides all others.
"...cold..."
"Well, yes, Remus. You're freezing. You're a werewolf, and you just cut yourself at least twenty times with a silver blade. It's going to hurt like a bitch." Warm hands on my stomach, and a murmured spell, and the cold is sealed in, to dissipate throughout my body. I sigh. Perhaps the cold and silver have done there job after all, as you begin to numb my pain.