Chapter 3: BBQ!
"Ron," said Harry, "why do you hate me?"
"Because I hold you responsible for the death of my sister, and I'm jealous that you get all the love while I get none from Hermione because she is a frigid bitch, and I need to give you yet another reason to angst and make your relationship with Draco seem more plausible."
"Ok," said Harry.
Just then, Hermione walked by. She had gotten a makeover over the summer, and now had blonde highlights and lots of very impractical handbags and shoes. "I want to fuck Snape," she said, then walked away.
Ron stabbed himself in the eye with a spork and died.
Just then, Dumbledore appeared! "Harry," he said, "lookin' good. Anyway, I have to tell you –"
"You're dead!" Harry shouted.
"Well, besides that," said Dumbledore. "You must have hot gay sex with Draco Malfoy. The future of the wizarding world depends on it. Kthx."
"But what if –" but suddenly Harry's scar seared with pain! "OMFG!" He exclaimed. "I have only just now realised that Ron and Ginny aren't dead! Those were just people using polyjuice potion! The real Ron and Ginny are alive, but Voldemort's holding them hostage in the astronomy tower! I MUST SAVE THEM!"
Dumbledore beat Harry repeatedly over the head with a large stick. "You have to stay here, Harry," he warned him. "Your friends will die. But it's for the best. For now, you must have hot gay sex with Draco. And be sure to video tape it."
"no, i hav 2 go save them!1!" Harry cried, and climbed the astronomy tower.
Dumbledore jumped into a plothole and disappeared.