Hey guys. A death this morning knocked me sideways and this is the result. I wanted to say what I meant but I never can, you know? There are some things you should never learn via text message. I doubtless owe a lot of this fic to Pi90katana. I read her fic 'Rest in Peace' just before I went to bed last night and then found out the bad news today. I ended up writing this and I'm glad - I feel much better now. But Pi's fic is much better than this, find it on my faves list. Do it! I compel you!

Thank you to everyone who reviewed 'Alone', maybe I'm just in the angst groove right now. And I got voted as Nicest Fan! How the hell did that happen? Um, Ok, shutting up now. This fic doesn't say who the turtles in question are but you ahould be able to figure it out.

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Hey bro. It's been awhile. How've you been? Sorry, dumb question. I know how you've been.

It's that time of year again. Christmas. The time when I miss you the most. You were always so excited at the whole idea of Chrsitmas, the presents, the food, the decorations - you loved it all. Remember the year you brought home that cat? Dumb animal got in my way all the time, but somehow it managed to be loveable enough to avoid eviction. Just like you, adopting a pet. No one could begrudge you of it. Damn, that cat was like a baby to you!

Have the others been to see you yet? I know we all come here on Christmas eve, alone, to speak to you. We all miss you like mad. The lair seems too big without you, empty. We all miss your jokes, your laughter. We're not the same without you. I'm not the same without you.

Ah crud.

I do this every time I come here, end up in tears. I promise myself that this time I'll keep my dignity and every time I end up crying. I can't help it bro, I just miss you so much. I know you'd never laugh at me about it but, weird as it sounds, I like to imagine that you would. Makes me feel better somehow, to think of you sniggering. I can almost see you beside me, close enough for me to reach out and smack you upside the head. But you're not here. You never will be again.

Damn, why did it have to be you of all people? If there is someone above us watching our lives, why did he take you when we all needed you so much? Why didn't he take me instead? OK, I know that's a selfish thought, I wouldn't want you to go through what I've been going through since you left, but I dunno - I miss you more and more all the time. I would give anything - anything - to have you back.

Christmas. God, I hate Christmas. It's the time when I miss you most. We still have the tree, the food - but we're always waiting for you to walk through the door. I still get you a present, you know that? I guess I'm hoping. . . oh hell, it doesn't even matter. You're never coming home and I know it. I should just give it up, accept the truth. But one thing you taught me was to never lose hope, that sometimes miracles happen. . .

Oh god bro, I'm so sorry. I miss you, I love you and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I miss you so much. . .

Things are going OK I guess. We still go out on patrol, saving the people of New York City from danger. Seems wrong without you there though. Our brothers feel the same. I can see them looking for you when we come out on top, expecting you to be there watching our backs. But you aren't there. I wish you were. I wish that more than anything.

And now I'm supposed to leave you here alone. I couldn't do it the first time, when we buried you. Master Splinter gave me a nerve grip that knocked me unconcious and one of my brothers carried me back to the lair, just because I couldn't leave you alone. And every time I come here it gets harder and harder to leave. I just want you back. I want you back so much it hurts. Why did you have to leave? Why?

I'm leaving now bro. I mean it.

I love you.

I'm sorry.

I wish you were here with us.

But these are only words. I can't talk to you now, much as I want to - need to. You're gone. All that remains is this patch of earth and the snow that covers it. You loved the snow but to me it's just another sign that you're not with us anymore. Those of us left behind don't enjoy the snow anymore. I can talk to you here for ever but I couldn't say it while you breathed. I love you, you meant so much to us and you can never be replaced. And I'm sorry.

I'm sorry it was you instead of me.