Diary- Chapter Four: Calafornia Girls

Summary: "He's not the one. He wasn't all those years ago and he still isn't" Set after Jason and Lorelai break up...Lorelai looks through her diary.

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A/N: Thanks to all of my beautiful reviewers.

Lorelai Gilmore sat at her kitchen table, sipping a hot cup of coffee. It was early, but she couldn't sleep so of course, she grabbed the big, pink book. She opened it to where she left off, and then she skipped ahead a few pages.

June 18th

Well I'm prepared for the worst summer of my entire life. I think this one will even beat the summer that my parents went on vacation and left me with that Nanny who couldn't speak English and always made me that disgusting Indian foodwith the horrible smell. And while she cooked the food she would blastCalifornia Girls by the Beach Boys, over and over, and now whenever Ican't hear the song withoutthinking about that smell.It could even beat the summer when I got my period at Susie Erics pool party and it got all over my pretty white skirt and then I had to sit inside on a chair by the snack table for 3 hours eating bag after bag of chips,until my Mom picked me up. It could probably beat the summer I got food poisoning on that cruise and sat in the room, alone, throwing up for about 10 days straight.

Yes, this summer will just about be the suckiest one yet.

Explanation? Well...I'd be happy to...

It pretty much started when Christopher came to town...I should have known that this would be bad. When has Christopher coming to town ever led to good things?Never! That's when.Anyways, he came to town just in time for Sookie's wedding. And well, he told me that him and Sherri were breaking up and blah blah blah. Soo...We'll...I slept with him. I know, stupid, stupid Lorelai. When will she ever learn?

Christopher is like my bad habit...I say 'never again' but then he comes back and of course...I do it again. I invited him to Sookie's wedding and then we slept together...He said he wanted to do it...He wanted to have 'us'. I was sofrickin' stupid to believe him. But, like I said, he's my bad habit. Anyway, everything was going to be amazing, I was so happy and shit. Then Sherri calls and within moments it all changed.

Sherri is pregnant. And now Christopher decides to do the right thing, he decides 'hey maybe I'll go and be a father this time.' So, he's gone. That amazing, 'supposed to be different', relationship we were going to have lasted about 3 hours and then it came crashing down. He acted sad, maybe he was...But, I don't know. It just seemed so familiar. Christopher coming and saying things would be different, saying he'd be there, saying that he wanted to be there, and I would believe him only to have him leave me again. Wow, I'm pathetic. I really, truly thought this time would be different. I believed him. I always do, but this time was different, I really, really believed him.

Now he wants to experience it. He wants to be a father, he wants to be through the whole thing. Now he decides to grow up and be there, but not with me...with her. It should have been me...

Oh, and to top it all off, Rory decided to go away to D.C for the summer. So now I will be completely alone. Not just sad and wallowing over Christopher, but completely alone. I'll be one of those losers sitting at home doing absolutely nothing all night.

This is going to be one boring, sucky summer.

Lorelai.

It broke her heart to read this, she hated thinking about that summer. She hated thinking about Sherri and the baby and Christopher. Sure, things had worked out...She thought...

She shrugged and kept reading

June 29th

I just can't stop thinking about it. I know it's not Sherri's fault, but I hate her. I hate her! It should have been me!

I hate this. I hate doing this over a guy, especially when that guy is Christopher. I guess I just had thought we would end up together. He's Rory's father, I'm her mother...It would have been a pretty little picture. We would have been a family. Mother, Father, Daughter...I wanted that. I wanted a family.

He is the reason that I can't have a normal, commited relationship, isn't he?

He's the reason I didn't marry Max...I mean I did call him at my bachlorette party, not Max. He's why I didn't get married...why I can't commit.

I guess I just hoped that he could be the one, that we could have that nice little family together. That hope is probably the reason my relationships never work.I'm always hoping that he'll come back for good, so I'm afraid to commit.

God, why am I so screwed up?

Lorelai

She sighed. She hated reading this, but what she hated even more was, reading it and thinking that maybe she had been right. Maybe he was the reason that none of her relationships had ever worked out. Maybe she didn't want to commit because she subconsiously hoped he would come back to her. She closed the book, shut and walked around the house. She didn't know what she was looking for or why she was just randomly wandering around the house, but she didn't want to read anymore.

After a while she slipped on her shoes and her coat and headed off to Luke's.

"Hey," she said as she opened the door. The diner was completely empty, it wasn't even really open yet.

"What are you doing here?" He asked.

"Coffee?" She smiled.

"It's not even 6 o'clock." He said checking his watch.

"The early bird catches the worm." She shrugged as she sat at the counter.

"OK..."

"Actually, I just didn't feel like being alone and your the only other person I know whose awake at this hour." She said taking a sip of her coffee.

"OK..." He said, still confused.

"You've met Christopher, right?" She asked.

"Yeah." He said not really sure where this was going.

"What do you think of him?" She asked.

"Well...I don't know..." He said.

"For me, I mean. Do you think that he might be the one? That the reason none of my other relationships work out is because I'm supposed to be with him...That I don't commit because I only want him?" She asked. It was early, she was tired, she didn't really know what she was saying.

"Lorelai...He had his chance, plenty of chances, actually. Any guy who gives up a chance like that is crazy. He treats you like shit, Lorelai... He's not the one. He wasn't all those years ago and he still isn't." Luke said as he threw his cloth down on the counter.

Lorelai looked up at him, silent. She looked deep into his eyes, trying to figure out if he was just saying that or if he really meant it.

He looked away, avoiding her beautiful blue eyes.

"You'll find 'the one' someday, but it's not him." Luke grunted as he started wiping down the tables again.

Lorelai smiled. "You really think so?" She asked. She sounded like a little kid on Christmas Eve asking her parents if they really thought Santa would eat her cookies, but she just wanted him to tell her that he really did believe what he had just said.

"Yeah." He shrugged.

"So...How's being divorced?" She asked.

He shrugged again, still looking at the counter that he was wiping down.

"There's Dr. Phil books in our future, my friend" She told him.

He looked up at her andnodded.

"Well I better get going. I have 3 hours of sleeping time before I have to be at the Inn to look over some paint swatches for the dining room." Lorelai said.

"Bye." He said.

"Bye." She smiled and went out the door.

How could he always make her feel so much better? She would come in the diner in a horrible mood and he could always make her feel so much better. How did he do it?

I know this chapter was a little bit short, but I figure this is the best place to end it. I know it took a little bit longer to update this then it usually does. Sorry, but I did update Stand Still so go check that out if you haven't yet.

I know all the titles and stuff are really random...But I dunnno, I just feel like making it that way, so hope you don't mind.

Anyways,

hope you guys are liking this so far.

Please review! You know you wanna...