The Semi-Secret Memoirs of the One Ring
By Spectra16
Disclaimer: I don't own LOTR.
A/N: As we all know, the One Ring has a mind of it's own, and therefore should have a sarcastic outlook on life. Here's his secret memoirs that you'll probably WANT to read. (Also, these dates are HIGHLY inaccurate and I really don't care.)
Day 1- Hey look at me! I've been forged. Wow, I'm so pretty and shiny. Hey, I glow with pretty elvish words that few understand. Sweet! I'm hungry.
Day 2- It's my lucky day! I control all of the other rings. I wonder if I get a sweet dental plan.
Day 3- Sauron is my new best friend. He calls me precious. I'm so precious! And beautiful. I think I love myself.
Day 4- This volcano place is really hot.
Day 5- Hey cool. Today we go to war. Sauron is gonna kick sweet Elvish/human butt!
Day 5- (a few hous later) Damn! Sauron's finger blew up! Now I'm on the ground. Hey, put me down you ugly human! Get away! No! Skrinking! Get away from me! I'll corrupt you if you don't leave me alone! Fine! You asked for it!
Day 6- Haha! I told him I'd lead him to his demise! He sucks! Now I, AAAAAH! Water! Cold! Hey, a fishie! Good thing I know how to swim. Wait . . . I can't swim! Ah!
Day 7- Fishie, fishie, fishie.
Day 8- This is boring.
Day 9- I saw a fish today.
Day 10- I saw another fish today.
Day 11- Hey look! Seaweed!
Day 12- This sucks.
Day 13- Go away.
Day 14- SOMEONE FIND ME!
Day 15- I WANT TO BE FOUND!
Day 16- Harry Potter rocks!
Day 17- I really wanna see the Ya-Ya Sisterhood movie! SOMEONE FIND ME!
(A little more than 2000 years later)
Day 106,033,985- This sucks. Woah! Wait! Someone's picking me up! This is the best day of my life! Ew! It's a fat hobbit!
Day 106,033,986- Haha. He killed his best friend for me! I rock!
(Hundreds of years later, with Gollum in a cave)
Day 106,034,056- This sucks.
Day 106,034,057- Wee! Precious is lost! I'm back . . . By myself. Alone. No chance that anyone would find me. This sucks.
Day 106,034,058- For Sauron's sake, not another hobbit!
Day 106,034,059- Christ, for a hobbit, he sure does a lot of random crap.
Day 106,034,570- No. No friggin' way! The hobbit gave me to a wizard guy with a sweet beard! Damn! My life sucks! Where's my Sauron friend? I feel lonely.
Day 106,034,573- Stupid hobbits.
Day 106,034,574- NO! Do not cast me into the flames of Mt. Doom! I'll open a can of whoop ass if you do!
Day 106,034,575- The only way out of this mess is to corrupt more hobbits. Frodo is so going down.
Day 106,034,576- Yeah! He used me today! Now my baby Sauron can find me! Woot! Yeah! Dark riders kick ass! Where's my can opener?
Day 106,034,577- Dammit! How could the Nazgul guys not find me! I was right under their noses! Literally! Stupid, fat hobbits.
Day 106,034,580- Stupid elves.
Day 106,034,581- The council of idiots has decided to throw me into the flames of Mt. Doom. Crap. Who the hell named the mountain of all that is evil "Mt. Doom"? That is the stupidest name ever. I'm going to have to talk to Sauron about renaming it to Mt. Precious.
Day 106,034,582- Best case scenario, Boromir goes rabid and steals me for himself. Worst case scenario, I get melted in a crock pot.
Day 106,034,592- Stupid Boromir got all shot up. He wasn't worthy of me! I am great!
Day 106,034,594- Frodo is such a drama queen! And he's totally emo. I'm getting sick of his crap.
Day 106,034,597- Woah. This is a sick twist of fate. Gollum. . .err. . . Smeagol. Those years were not my most fond. He smelled bad.
Day 106,034,598- I hope Gollum kills the fat hobbits and puts me out of my misery too.
Day 106,034,599- Sauron, if you don't find me in ten minutes, I'm personally going to roll off the cliff thing into Mt. Doom!
Day 106,034,600- Yay! Frodo is starting to become senile!
Day 106,034,620- Finally. Back into Orc hands.
Day 106,034,621- Stupid hobbit.
Day 106,034,622- AH! Mt. Doom! Crap! Get away from me fat hobbit! Go! Leave me alone! SAURON! HELP! Yay! Smeagol got me! No! Don't fall you idiot! AAAAAAHHHH! Crap. Melting . . . Melting. I'll be back!