Disclaimer: I do not own Cardcaptor Sakura.
It was another school day, and I was playing with Tomoyo's long silky hair that was in a ponytail.
"Your hair is so nice Tomoyo." I said, playing with it. "I wish my hair was like yours"
"You should cut your hair," Tomoyo said. My hair could be described as long, wavy strands that reached my bottom. I always had it down. "It's ugly."
"I-I… My dream is to grow it down to my feet" I said quietly. "I've always wanted to ever since I was little."
"Well it's ugly and I think you should get it cut. Maybe you won't look so disgusting then."
I bowed my head down, ashamed, and continued playing with her hair in silence.
The next two weeks all Tomoyo could talk about was how I should cut my hair. She even talked to my mother on the phone and told her to take me to the hairdresser to get it cut. My mom, annoyed with the phone constantly ringing and my low self-esteem, took me to the hairdresser.
When I came out, my hair was four inches shorter. But my hair was so long in the first place that it barely made a difference.
Tomoyo nagged at me to get it cut to my shoulders, but I refused. Her teasing about my hair being ugly subsided somewhat.
I stared at the board, aggravated by her several different words she called me that all meant ugly. She passed a note to me, and I opened it up.
Genta just invited me to his birthday party! Too bad he'd never invite you.
I wanted to cry. Tomoyo knew I had a huge crush on Genta ever since I saw him in the second grade. I thought it was cute the way he stuck out his tongue when he was concentrating. He was a real pretty boy.
Depressed, I wrote, "Congratulations, you're so lucky" on the note and passed it back. I looked at Tomoyo, who seemed to have a satisfied expression on her face.
We were at my house that day. I was watching Tomoyo talk on the phone. I liked coming to my house better. When we were at her house, the only thing we did was play on the computer. And by we, I mean her. And by play, I mean watch her go on my msn account and talk badly to all of my contacts. She never allowed me to tell them it was her, so I obeyed. Many times I either said it was my big brother, Touya, or that I was having a bad day and didn't mean it. In the end, several people grew to hate me, but at least Tomoyo was happy ruining my life. For hours I would sit there, and watch painfully as she talked mean to everyone. It was horrible, I felt helpless. I couldn't do anything to stop her. She knew my password because she forced me to give it to her. I never knew hers ever.
I didn't mind the bad talking as much as when she wanted to make dances. She'd bring down her CD player, play some horrible music, and order me around in an attempt to create a dance. I hated dancing. I never liked it, and she was making it worse. Her little routines drove me insane, but I bottled it in and kept my temper. I never uttered a bad word against her.
But while we were at my house, she heard some news from a friend that Genta had two girls, whom Tomoyo disliked, on his speed dial. Immediately, she gave me the phone and ordered me to call him and ask.
"I'm not doing it." I said. Tomoyo begged some more. My shyness was kicking in, and I just couldn't bring myself to call him. "Look, I don't care that he has their numbers on speed dial. You do, so you can do it"
A few threats and insults later, I found myself listening to the phone ring as I waited for him to pick up.
"Hello?" His mother answered, I was shaking from nervousness.
"H-Hi, is Genta there?" I stuttered. Tomoyo was waiting patiently at the kitchen table. Genta came to the phone, and I asked the question.
"Uhm… Could you hold on a second, Sakura?" He said. I said okay, and waited. A few seconds later, Genta came back on the phone.
"Would you like to come to my birthday party?" He asked. Inside, I screamed in delight. I said, "Sure" then we both said our goodbyes and hung up the phone. I danced over to Tomoyo and told her the good news. She was much, much, much less excited than I.
"Why are you going, you hate him" Tomoyo said, glaring at me. I gave her an incredulous look. She knew I liked him.
"I don't hate him"
"Yes you do, you told me" I ran through my memories, and I couldn't find a single instance where I said I hated him. But my memory wasn't very good…
"Well I…"
"Well if you're going, I guess, you should come to my house before the party. I can do your hair and put it up and make it less ugly" She said. I frowned.
"I don't want to put my hair up. I hate having my hair up" I said. She rolled her eyes.
"Well just come to my house before anyway" Tomoyo said, smiling a bit. I sighed, and agreed.
The day finally came, and we both gave him money since we weren't sure what boys wanted. I was at Tomoyo's house, and she was brushing my waist length hair.
"You know, your hair would look better if it was done up"
"I don't want it up" I insisted. She sighed.
"Sakura, could you go get me the scissors?" She asked. I started to get up, but I hesitated.
"Oh no there is just this… blanket here that I want to cut." She said. Naively, I believed her, and brought down the scissors from the kitchen. A few seconds went passed as she brushed my hair, then faintly…
Snip. Snip. Snip.
Alarmed, I pulled away from her, only to realize most of my hair had been cut to my shoulders. My dream of growing it to my feet, died.
"Tomoyo!" I yelled, and ran to the bathroom to see the damage.
"Oh Sakura, it isn't even noticeable." She said, unconcerned.
"Fine… I guess I'll just leave it like this then"
"No, no, no! It looks horrible it's like a big zigzag and half of your hair is gone, you should wear it up!" Tomoyo insisted, contradicting her previous statement of it not being noticeable.
"But… But" I began.
"I'm putting it up." Tomoyo announced. It was final.
My teacher assigned a project. We were supposed to pick a province in Canada, make a box, and put things in the box and present it to the class. I picked the Northwest Territories. Tomoyo, after finding out which province I was doing, picked the same.
We both unpacked our projects onto a table in the hallway. I was done, and waited quietly in the class. This was done after school, so not very many people were left in the hallways. A loud yell came from the hallway that sounded like Tomoyo. I went out of the classroom, and noticed someone had packed her project back up.
"Sakura! You stupid, ugly idiot why did you ruin it?" She yelled at me angrily.
"I didn't-"
Then it happened. The moment that changed her abuse from emotional to emotional and physical.
Her hand rose, and she slapped me across the face. I stumbled back, my hand rising to my cheek. It didn't hurt; it didn't hurt at all. It was just the shock that my best friend would hit me for something I didn't do. She looked at her hand, her eyes having a powerful glow to them. I ran to the boot-room and cried. Many people came to comfort me who had seen the ordeal. I told them how it didn't hurt, but I was just so shocked that my best friend would hit me. They seemed to understand. Tomoyo came up to me, her face emotionless.
"Walk me home" she ordered. I obeyed.
Summer came, but the insults persisted. Next came the physical abuse. My arms and legs were never without cuts and bruises. That small taste of power Tomoyo had, grew. If I didn't do something she wanted me to, she would hit me, push me, or scratch me. Most of the time she would pinch me hard just because she was bored. Whenever she raised her arm, even to just scratch her cheek, I would flinch away and cover my head out of instinct. I remember one time she pushed me into the corner of the wall when I was in her way. My face bruised and my ear bled.
That year we went to camp together. Five days, three major fights, and four times I cried. Spending every moment with her almost drove me mad. I hated how she took my plate of food from me and made me get another for myself. I hated how she insulted me in front of the entire camp and embarrassed me.
I hated to come back to the cabin and see a crowd of people laughing and pointing at a pile of clothes on the front porch. The pile of clothes that were my dirty underwear, which Tomoyo had so kindly put out there for the whole camp to see.
The end of summer came, and Tomoyo was sitting on my computer browsing my e-mail.
"Who is… Chiharu?" Tomoyo said, squinting at the screen. My heart froze.
"Uhm, it's nobody. Just delete that." I said hastily. Tomoyo opened up the e-mail, and read it. She looked at me.
"What, are you guys like friends or something?"
I stayed silent. If I said yes, she would insult or hit me. If I said no, she would insult Chiharu whom I deeply adored. Tomoyo clicked reply, and started working on her hate e-mail. I tried to peek over her shoulder to see what she was typing, but each time she would cover the monitor or push me away. I waited until she hit the send button, and looked over to see the e-mail had sent to Chiharu.
Tomoyo glared at me, "Don't you dare tell her that e-mail was from me."
I obeyed.
Grade six was the hardest year of my life. The only friend I had left was Tomoyo. Visiting Rika became more risky, so we slowly drifted apart.
I entered the classroom, staring at the ground. My somewhat short hair was pulled back into a ponytail. Tomoyo had come over to my house early that morning and forced my hair into a tight ponytail. One just like hers.
I took my seat and watched Tomoyo come into the classroom and sit behind me. More students filed in, and Chiharu's face stuck out from the crowd. She looked at me, glared, then walked to an open desk. I stared at my hands, ashamed. I never told Chiharu it was Tomoyo that sent the e-mail. I was too afraid of Tomoyo. I didn't even know what was on the e-mail, but it looked like it was pretty awful by the way Chiharu was acting.
Weeks went on, and Tomoyo and Chiharu grew to be friends. This wasn't a surprise to me. I was nice to Chiharu, but everyday Tomoyo would tell me about all the nasty things Chiharu said when I wasn't there. I began to fear Chiharu as well.
At recess, it was usually the three of us. Chiharu and Tomoyo would chat away while I followed them around. Tomoyo was the only thing I had left, and I just couldn't let go. One recess, I was completely ignored by Chiharu and Tomoyo. Before, every now and then they would acknowledge my presence by insulting me and calling me a little dog since I followed them around. I didn't deny it. My head always hung down low, constantly ashamed. But this recess, they walked right passed me. It seemed like the end. This brought on the months of lonely recesses. I was forced to go outside by the teachers, but I had nowhere to go. My routine to fill up the time consisted of walking. I would walk three times around the rink, once around the field, then to the big hill and back. That usually filled up the time. If it didn't, I would sit by myself in the bushes on the hill and wait for the bell to ring.
My routine didn't go unnoticed. Tomoyo and Chiharu often followed me, mocking me as I walked. Every flaw I had, they pointed out. They would follow me and whisper insults about me to each other just loud enough so I could hear every word. When I tried running away from them, I was met with Tomoyo's hard grip on my arm. They held me on the spot and laughed at me as I tried to pull away from them. More insults came, and I began crying.
They never stopped following me, but I stopped running. I stopped crying in front of them, I stopped feeling. Everything they said I just absorbed and accepted. I didn't deny anything, they always told the truth. Their favorite insults were anorexic, disgusting, smelly, flat, and ugly. The years where I was supposed to build a self-esteem were smashed. My self-image was based on the things they said about me, and still is.
Class time was horrible. Tomoyo sat behind me, and she would often put glue on my back and try cutting my clothes or hair with her scissors. I did nothing. The only thing I could do was accept it. I didn't care anymore.
I was a small person, and very light for my age. Being a late bloomer, this brought on more insults. Sex Ed class started, and Chiharu and Tomoyo found more insults. Whenever there was a picture of an immature girl, my cheeks would burn in embarrassment when Tomoyo would call out, "Hey look! It's Sakura!" to the class.
"Sakura" Tomoyo said in a somewhat sincere tone. I looked at her.
"You know when that picture of the girl with no boobs came on the screen?" I blushed slightly, and lowered my eyes to the floor. "Chiharu and I looked at each other and both said your name at the exact same time!"
I said nothing. What could I possibly say to her that would make things better?
I had a little butterfly notebook that Tomoyo and I used to talk to each other in class. Tomoyo forbid me from writing in Chiharu's book, which didn't bother me too much. Chiharu's only note in my book, "Sakura sucks poo poo. Really, it's in her teeth!" wasn't very friendly, so I had no motive to write in hers.
For as long as I could remember, my favorite number had been two thousand and fifty four. I still drew that circle cut into eight pieces as my sign, and my favorite name was Sophie. Whenever Tomoyo and I used to play make-believe, I would use the name Sophie. She started changing the things I liked. I wasn't allowed to like that number anymore, because apparently she had liked it before me. I wasn't allowed to ever draw that sign again, because she said she created it and I copied her.
In the butterfly notebook, she wrote more things to me.
I told you before that the name Sophie totally doesn't suit you, so change everything you know that has Sophie in it or else.
I had been using that name since grade two. How could it suddenly not suit me anymore? I wrote back to her.
Why did you bring that up?
Because it doesn't suit you! So change it! Whenever I like something you totally copy me!
I was furious inside. She had always used the name Janelle. She stole my sign, my number, and now I wasn't allowed to like a simple name anymore.
No, your name was Janelle.
She never gave me a response back, but I was forced to start disliking the name anyway.
Tomoyo was moved to a different part of the classroom, closer to Chiharu, but I could still hear them whispering my name and laughing.
The insults doubled. Somehow, Tomoyo still thought that she and I were friends. Outside of school, she was relatively nice. That's what kept dragging me back to her. Her attitude outside of school gave me hope that maybe she would change, that maybe she was actually good inside. This false hope was what stopped me from ending our friendship completely, along with the fear of Tomoyo.
If you weren't friends with Tomoyo, you were enemies. Being enemies with her was one of the worst things I could imagine.