Disclaimer: I do not own Cardcaptor Sakura.
Tomoyowas also controlling in band class. I had hoped to play the saxophone that year, but there were too many people playing that instrument already. My second choice was the oboe, then the clarinet. I would have played the oboe if Tomoyo didn't force me into playing the flute. I hated the flute. It was such a weak instrument. It seemed like its only tune it could play was happy. I hated it, but I did it for her.
It didn't matter anyway. The flute section was next to the clarinets, and Chiharu played the clarinet. Her and Tomoyo sat together while I sat to the left of Tomoyo. It was one stand for every two people, so Tomoyo and I both shared a stand. Throughout the class, Tomoyo kept turning the stand away from me so I couldn't see it. When I turned it back, she and Chiharu would laugh at me. Tomoyo turned it back so I couldn't see the paper, and when I reached my hand out to spin it back around she bared her teeth.
"Don't touch the stand or I'll smack you!" She threatened. I put my hands on my lap, and stared at the floor. I didn't have anything to read, so for the rest of the class I looked at my flute, and watched Chiharu and Tomoyo imitating my defeated expression out of the corner of my eye.
Every band class went the same way. Tomoyo would turn the stand away from me, and I would be left to stare at nothing. I eventually put my book on my knees so I could, with much difficulty, read the music. Tomoyo often smacked my book off my legs, and laughed as I bent over to reach it. Over and over she did this, still finding the same amusement each time. I would simply pick it up silently, without ever making eye contact with her. There was nothing I could do. If I stood up to her, her hands or her words would attack me. My parents couldn't protect me from her while I was at school. Teachers couldn't protect me from her at all times. I was completely alone.
My life meant nothing. I sunk into a cold depression. Every morning Tomoyo would call me, tell me which clothes I had to wear that day, and how I would have to do my hair. At recess she and Chiharu bullied me into a pit of unfeeling. Then after school, I would walk her home in complete silence. I couldn't turn around and go home until she told me I could. Then Tomoyo would call me and let me listen to nothing for two hours. Nightfall would hit, and I would cry myself to sleep. I prayed every night for death.
This was my daily routine. A joke of a life. I was controlled in every possible way. I couldn't like certain things unless she let me.
"Sakura," Tomoyo began, sitting on my computer and talking to people on my msn account. "Do you like Sugar or Roxy?"
Those are brand names for clothing. Sure, I liked them; I thought they were cute. I couldn't tell Tomoyo this; she would probably forbid me from buying them.
"I don't know." I said, taking the side of indifference.
"Well do you or not?" She asked, becoming impatient.
"Sure" I said, watching her expression.
"Well, they don't suit you. You shouldn't ever wear them." She began. I squinted my eyes.
"How can brand names not suit someone?" I asked.
"It just doesn't suit you, okay? So don't buy them!" She ordered. I nodded, paying little attention to her Roxy T-shirt she was wearing.
I didn't have many clothes, Tomoyo made me take back any clothes I bought if she didn't pick them out for me. When my mom would buy me clothes, I would make her return them for fear that Tomoyo would find them. I wouldn't have been able to wear them to school if Tomoyo didn't pick it out anyway. I was forced to bring her shopping with me every time I needed new clothes. She wouldn't let me pick out anything for myself. My mother had bought a hoodie for me for Christmas once, and Tomoyo threw a fit.
"Sakura! How could you get this? I wanted this hoodie!" Tomoyo shouted. I winced.
"How was I supposed to know…?"
"Well, you can't ever wear this since I wanted it. If I ever see you wear this hoodie I'll smack you" Tomoyo said. "Actually, just so I make sure you don't wear it even outside of school, I'm going to take it to my house"
"But-"
"You're not going to wear it anyway, so why do you care? You don't actually like it, do you?" Tomoyo asked. I bit my tongue. If I said I did, she would insult me and take it away. If I said no, she would still take it away.
"…No" I lied. Tomoyo took the hoodie away. The next day at school, she was wearing my hoodie.
I never even got to try it on…
Throughout all of sixth grade, a constant thought was at the back of my head. The only thing I could think about was suicide. I didn't understand how nobody could see what was happening to me. I didn't understand how everyone could just laugh so easily at my pain. My life was just a stupid, controlled routine. It was almost impossible to get out of bed every morning. I dreaded waking up, cursing God in the morning for not killing me in my sleep.
When I was very young, I didn't know why anyone would want to kill themselves.
But then I understood.
Winter brought on harsh storms, and the school allowed an indoor recess. My grade was sent to the gym. I sat on the stage in the corner all by myself. Chiharu and Tomoyo found where I was, and sat opposite of the stage from me. I could hear them as they insulted me, saying I had a big head and I was so ugly and scrawny. When I looked over at them to show I had heard, they just laughed at me. When the bell rang, I walked back to the classroom silently with my eyes staring at the ground.
Tomoyo invited me to her house, and I assumed I was going to watch her play on her computer again or she would make another dance. This time it was different. Tomoyo began crying. I was surprised, what was so wrong in her life that she had a right to cry?
"Sakura… I'm so mean to you" Tomoyo cried. I was hopeful. Maybe she's finally changing?
"I really don't mean it. It's just that everything makes me so angry and I guess I take it out on you. You're my best friend and I don't want to loose you." Tomoyo sobbed. I hugged her, but I should have known that her words were filled with air. This was why I was still friends with her. When things became horrible, she'd drag me back to her with some nice words, only to throw me back out again. Alone, she wasn't so bad. But at school, she destroyed me.
It was springtime, recess, and I was ready to do my laps around the rink. I walked out of the classroom with my head hanging low, but my fifth grade teacher stopped me. Her name was Mrs. Evans. She was also the vice-principle.
"Sakura" She began, "Where are your friends?"
I looked at my shoes, embarrassed and ashamed. "I don't have any."
"Then what do you do for recess?"
"I… I walk"
"But what about those girls that follow you sometimes?" She asked. I looked up at her, emotionless. I couldn't possibly explain to her that those girls following me were bullying me the entire time. Her expression horrified me. Her mouth went into the shape of an "O" in realization, and then her face clouded with pity. I looked down at the floor again.
"Would you like to help me in my classroom? I need some help cutting out these letters for the sign in the hallway." She said. I looked behind, and saw Tomoyo watching me. She seemed like she was approaching.
"I-uhm, no thanks." I said.
"If you want I can tell Dani and her friends to play with you at recess" She said. I shook my head, giving her an absolute "No". That was one of the most pathetic things I could think of. Having a teacher make the popular crowd play with you because you didn't have any friends was the lamest thing I had ever heard. I swiftly walked out the door as I saw Tomoyo coming towards me. I began my laps around the rink, but to my horror I saw Mrs. Evans talking to Dani and her friends. I stopped, my eyes getting wider.
Mrs. Evans pointed at me, so I began running as fast as I could away from the group.
"Sakura!" Dani yelled. I stopped, and they ran over to me. They seemed so cheerful and happy compared to how miserable I looked. I wondered if I was still able to smile like that too.
"Sakura" My named was said again, only this time it was Tomoyo. The girls looked at me.
"Sakura we're going to play kickball over there, if you want you can come join us" Dani said. I nodded, and waited for Tomoyo to say something to me.
"You know, they don't actually like you." She said. I flinched as her hand rose, but she only scratched her forehead.
"I know." I said. I was eager for her to dismiss me so I could at least humor the teacher by playing some kickball with Dani. Then Mrs. Evans could at least leave me alone. Tomoyo just stared at me, and the rest of the recess we stood there in silence. She didn't let me go.
Dani sat behind me in class, but said nothing to me.
It was the end of the day, and I was walking Tomoyo home.
"It was hilarious, the whole time Dani was behind you and making faces behind your back. She really, really hates you!" Tomoyo said, laughing.
My heart sank.
I felt edgy that day. I was on the brink of suicide. It was the only thing I could think about; I was just so sick of crying every night.
It was the last recess of the day. After that was band, which I hated. It was pointless going if I couldn't see the music. I walked out of the classroom to begin my laps, but Tomoyo was waiting for me.
"What, are you going to go walk around all alone by yourself again?" She scoffed. "Loser"
I snapped. I was never mean to her, I always did everything she said and she treated me like shit but pretended we were friends when nobody else was around. How could she still call us best friends?
"Shut up!" I yelled. She crumpled her face.
"Fine! We aren't friends anymore!" She said. I exploded on her, tears already rolling down my cheeks.
"I didn't think we were friends in the first place!" I yelled. I ran out the school doors and cried all the way home. When I came through the doors, I went straight for the kitchen. I pulled out a butcher knife, and put it on my wrist. I was going to commit suicide.
One cut was enough to realize the horror of it all. It was a tiny slice, but I understood what had happened to me.
I had died inside. Tomoyo had killed me.
It's the saddest thing in the world when someone has the power to destroy your sanity. When someone has enough power to make you want to kill yourself. You've died when the only way to get away from someone is to end your life, and you're completely willing to do it.
I had changed. I couldn't remember how to smile, and I didn't think it was possible for someone to show me how. I used to be bubbly and cheerful, but I became miserable and suicidal all because of my best friend.
I put down the knife. She could kill me on the inside, but she couldn't make me kill my body. If she wanted me dead, she could do it herself. I wouldn't even defend myself if she tried. I called my mom, crying, and asked her to make me switch schools.
For the moment, she agreed, but I never changed schools, so I was stuck with Tomoyo for the rest of elementary.
When I went to school the next day, one of Dani's friends came up to me.
"Sakura, why did you go home at recess?" She asked me, nosily. I hated this girl. She was annoying and a huge blabbermouth. I told her close to the truth.
"I didn't want to go to band." I said. It was true; I didn't want to go to band when I couldn't even see the notes. She stuck her nose up in the air.
"Well Tomoyo says it's because she stopped being friends with you."
I looked at Tomoyo, who glared at me. That wasn't the reason, but denying it just made them believe me less.
After school, Tomoyo and I were sent to see the vice-principal. She asked us questions, and said she had been having trouble with us since grade five.
"Well" Tomoyo started. She raised her hand, causing me to flinch out of reflex from all the times she hit me, but she was only putting her bangs behind her ears. "I haven't done anything at all"
The vice-principal looked at me. "Sakura, are you having problems with Tomoyo?"
I looked at the floor, ashamed of the answer about to come out of my mouth. "No. She hasn't done anything"
Mrs. Evans dismissed us from her office, and Tomoyo and I were friends again. I walked her home, and the whole thing was forgotten and never mentioned again.
I had defended her. She was cruel to me, and I still defended her. I hated myself for that, and my suicide feelings never went away. I couldn't live happy with all of my regrets. I couldn't live knowing that she still owned me.