Disclaimer: I do not own Cardcaptor Sakura.

Towards the end of grade six, things got a little better. Chiharu and I became friendlier towards each other after I mustered up the guts to tell her Tomoyo was the one that sent her the e-mail. I made her promise to never tell Tomoyo she knew, though. She stopped helping Tomoyo gang up on me, so it was only Tomoyo bullying me. During the summer I even started to remember how to smile. The three of us began meeting a new group of people to be friends with. Our small group of three grew to be around 10.

Grade seven came, and the teachers had enough sense to separate Tomoyo, Chiharu and I. We were all in completely different classes. It was so unreal; it felt like a dream. During those days, it was weird to look around and not see Tomoyo and Chiharu whispering things about me. It was weird not hearing my name, followed my laughter. I began to miss all the times Tomoyo would call me over to her desk (which was on the other side of the classroom after she was moved for talking) only to look at me and say, "What do you want?" pretending like she never ordered me to her desk in the first place. I would blush from embarrassment, utter "sorry", then go back to my desk. My bruises from her hitting me faded away, and eventually the scars blended into my skin complexion.

The emotional scars never went away. I avoided the mirror as much as I could. Tomoyo had called me ugly every day since grade five, and her opinion was all I could see in the mirror. She had drove over a critical period in my life with her opinions. That time would be when children would start caring about their appearance, and what everyone thought about them. Up until I met Tomoyo, my brother had always called me ugly. Then it was both of them calling me ugly until Tomoyo met Chiharu. Then all of them called me that. It was a nonstop insult, and repetition was truth. What I saw in the mirror was hideous and would forever continue to be hideous.

Memories were painful. Even physically. When I thought about things my body became tired and sore. My arms ached and my heart pulled. I was often in a daze. There was never a day when I didn't think about what happened. I couldn't forget, and I didn't want to. The experience made up whom I was. I didn't want to forget how I was made.

My grade dropped more. I was too busy staring at nothing and thinking. I would always be seen staring down, my eyes unblinking and wide. I couldn't stop thinking about it, it was just so painful to imagine. It couldn't have been real. I spent hours just remembering every detail to make sure that it happened. I was scared to lose her memory. I didn't want the experience to go to waste. So I thought about it everyday, reliving the emotions. I didn't let my memories die. It was just so insane how I could keep the memories in perfect condition. The order of the events were muddled, but the words, the feelings, they were there.

Tomoyo cared about popularity more than anything else, so she still continued to insult me heavily whenever the popular kids were near. She refrained from hitting me repeatedly when my sense of pain became numbed, her physical abuse no longer having any effect. Blackmail became her weapon of choice to get me to do things against my will. At first it was the common, "I won't be friends with you if you don't…" situation. Then it became lies like, "I'll tell everyone you stuff your bra" or secrets she promised me she would never tell. I was still completely in her control.

My mother had begun asking about the hoodie she had given me a year ago, and I said I lost it. Tomoyo was still wearing it to school, and was outraged when I asked for it back one day when I was walking her home. We had reached about half way to her house when I finally asked the question.

"Do you still have that blue hoodie?" I asked.

"Yeah"

"I need it back…" I whispered.

"Why? You aren't going to wear it anyway" Tomoyo said angrily.

"M-My mom wants it back"

"Well you aren't going to wear it so I'm not giving it back" Tomoyo yelled at me. "It's mine."

"Tomoyo, my mom really needs it back…" I said, hiding behind the mother excuse. I didn't have enough backbone to tell her that I wanted it. Tomoyo growled, and got my hoodie out of her backpack. I was surprised that she had it in there all this time.

"Fine, here's your stupid hoodie. We aren't friends anymore!" She announced, and began running home. I watched her, shocked.

Her words were empty, since she called me after I came home and pretended like nothing happened.

My friendship with Tomoyo was as close as ever, it seemed like the fact that she was in a different class didn't affect anything at all. A new girl came into our group, Megi, and was best friends with Chiharu. Megi and Tomoyo had the exact same thing in common: they loved to control.

I could tell Chiharu was slipping into the same pit I was in. She began keeping her eyes more on the ground and her smile was less common. We became close secretly. We both had the exact same problem, but just with different people. Megi never insulted Chiharu, but she loved using guilt to make Chiharu do what she wanted. Our opinions were suppressed, our emotions were suppressed, and the only way we could voice our thoughts was to each other over the phone. We couldn't do it over the Internet because Tomoyo was usually on my account posing as me.

I remember one day, Chiharu and Megi asked if I wanted to go to the store with them. I was afraid, what if Tomoyo saw me? I agreed anyway, and just as I hung up the phone Tomoyo called and asked if I could do something with her.

"Can't you come over here?" I asked.

"No I'm not allowed to, just come over here" Tomoyo insisted. I made up an excuse, and pulled myself out of her claws. I went to the store with Chiharu and Megi, but I had them promise to me they wouldn't tell Tomoyo I went to the store with them.

I grew to realize promises meant nothing at all.

One day I was on my newer msn account while Tomoyo was on my old one, posing as me and talking to everyone. It was silence on the phone again until she spoke up.

"Who is this?" She asked, and recited their e-mail address. I froze. It was Rika. We had still maintained a friendship through everything, but I felt it all suddenly crash down around me.

"She says it's Rika" Tomoyo said darkly. I bit my tongue as I heard Tomoyo's fingers smash against the keyboard, typing insults with all her might.

"Sakura, she says she is going to call you to check if it's you, you better say it's you!" She yelled at me. I heard a beep on the other line.

"Hold on, it's her" I said. I clicked the button.

"Hello?"

"Hi"

"Hi"

"… Was that you on msn" Rika asked, her voice sad. I didn't know what to say. I was sick of having to hide Rika and sneak around Tomoyo's back. I hated constantly being paranoid of being found out. If I told Rika it wasn't me, she would tell Tomoyo, who would insult me to no end.

"Yes," I said after a long silence. "It was me." I heard breathing on the other line, before she hung up without saying goodbye.

That was the last time I spoke to her. She'll live on for the rest of her life thinking that was me on msn, and thinking that I was the one saying those horrible things. I couldn't explain to her the degree of how controlled I was.

I remember when I was little I wrote in my diary, "Tomoyo was being kind of mean to me today…" Tomoyo browsed my diary as often as she browsed my e-mail. She took a pencil, erased her name, and put Chiharu instead. She rewrote my diary.

My fucking diary.

I didn't live anymore.

I remember coming out of the classroom, a smile on my face. I came to my group of friends, but Tomoyo was glaring at me.

"What? What did I do?" I asked.

"You bitch you lied to me. We aren't friends anymore" Tomoyo walked away. Megi smirked at me, and walked with Tomoyo. I was stunned. I wanted to cry. Tomoyo's glares were so hateful, they reached my heart and paralyzed it. I remember them so vividly. The feeling of not being safe. Of your body beginning to put its defenses up in case of an attack. The feeling of when your stomach drops to your feet and your blood follows. It gave me shivers; it was one of the things I was most afraid of. Chiharu pulled me aside.

"Megi was in the change room with Tomoyo, and she told her about the time we went to the store without her" Chiharu said, worried. I feared for my safety, Tomoyo was violent when I didn't do things her way. I was sure to pay for this in the end. When Tomoyo was angry with you it was the most threatening feeling ever. She was the kind of person that made you feel so unsafe, like your life was at risk. If I stayed, her words would drive me against myself. If I left, a world of hurt would ensure suicide in the end as well. Either way, I would always be in pain. With or without her.

"Why would Megi tell her? She promised she wouldn't" Chiharu shrugged her shoulders.

"I don't know, but Megi was laughing the entire time. She enjoyed seeing Tomoyo angry at you" Chiharu said sadly. I wanted to talk to her at my house in private, but I couldn't risk being caught by Tomoyo. If Tomoyo found out that Chiharu was at my house and she wasn't invited, I would be in more trouble.

It took only a few days before Tomoyo was herself again, and we were back to being friends. The silent treatments were torture, and she wouldn't allow me to hang out with my other friends. She said that they weren't my friends, they were her friends, and I shouldn't have any contact with them. So I was spending recess alone. I was just glad I could talk to Chiharu over the phone.

I don't know why I wasn't angry at Megi. It just never really occurred to me that I could be mad at someone for something. I was never angry; they either didn't mean it or it was my fault anyway. I hung onto life by a thread. Suicide was still on my mind, but nobody noticed. I didn't understand how nobody wondered why a cheerful little girl no longer looked at the sky anymore. Did they ever wonder why my eyes were so sad? Did they ever wonder why I couldn't laugh anymore?

My smiles were fake. When jokes were made, they were demeaning to me. Always jokes about how ugly I was, or stupid, or scrawny, or immature and flat. All I could do was laugh along with them. What else could I do? If I said to stop, they would leave me by myself. I saw what could happen from grade six; I couldn't take another killing.

Being a late bloomer brought on more things for Tomoyo to make fun of me for. She hadn't had her period yet, but she lied and said she did. She made fun of me for not having mine, which stressed me out because there wasn't a single thing I could do about it. When she called me flat, it drove me to insanity. We were exactly the same size. I couldn't understand why I was considered flat, and she was not. I thought about it all the time. We had the same size bra, same everything, but she still taunted me. Why did she get all the breaks? Why did she receive compliments?

I never received any compliments. Ever. My mother was demanding and pushy, my father never spoke, my brother called me ugly but not nearly as much as Tomoyo did.

I could never do well enough for my mother. I could never do well enough for Tomoyo. So I stopped trying. Why should I be bothered to try when all I do is get shut down? I lost all motivation, all self-esteem, all thought, all opinions. I was an unemotional body. And I was treated like one.

"Sakura" Lexi said, a friend I wasn't very attached to. She had ran down the big hill with Tomoyo hot on her heels. "Sakura, Tomoyo has been saying bad things about you"

After she repeated what Tomoyo said, I looked at the ground. Was I really that awful of a person? Was I actually as hideous as Tomoyo claimed?

"Tomoyo and I…" I began lying. "Made an agreement. If we ever say something bad about the other, we really don't mean it"

I lied for her. I defended her. There was evidence against her and I still fucking blew it.

"Oh, alright" Lexi said. That moment was never brought up again, but I still remember how I defended her. I forgave her. I forgave everything she did when I never received an apology. It was proof how controlled I was. I was just a fucking robot, bowing down to her every command.

It was summer time, and we were sitting outside my house. Tomoyo was playing with a grasshopper.

"Sakura, come over here." Tomoyo said, she brought out a lighter from her pocket. She began burning the bug first by its legs, then it's antenna. The burning, crackling sound as its insect flesh melted was sickening. I tried to stop her, but she held me back with her arm. I couldn't strike her. I couldn't speak against her. I could do nothing. She burnt the bug slowly, finally leaving it alone after it was charred and unmoving.

"I had no part in this" I stated firmly. She looked at me.

"It was all your fault. You could have stopped me, but all you did was watch. It was completely your fault that he burned" She said, and walked into my house.

I stared at the burnt bug, and buried it under some grass.