A/N: Gosh. I'm rewatching episodes of Naruto over and over again. (Sob.) Sasuke is so brutal towards Naruto! WAH! (Sniff.)
Anyway… God, I'm so emotional. Over a stupid cartoon. Ugh! ARGH! Did I just call Naruto a stupid cartoon! (Slaps self.) Sigh. Never mind, on with the fanfiction.
Professional Ninja Skills for Idiots
Chapter 5"Dog?" Naruto frowned, at the skinny mutt that nosed its way through the bushes. "That doesn't seem very... interesting…"
In his mind, a scenario played out.
Naruto: Hyaa! Take this! Dog Style!
Sasuke: Dog? Ha ha ha!
Everyone: Ha ha, that's so stupid! Ha ha!
Naruto: (Blush)
No, that wouldn't do. "Alright, then, I'll take the next animal that comes around!" Naruto declared firmly.
A caterpillar wormed its way in front of Naruto, poking inquisitively at a dead leaf.
"No way…" Naruto groaned in disbelief, falling back onto his butt. He put his hands on his knees and gazed at the insect glumly.
He watched despairingly as it crawled amicably along its way… then it was gone.
'Whoa! What the hell?' Naruto blinked.
In the space of a second, two claws had lashed out, grabbed the caterpillar and returned to its owner – a praying mantis.
"Hmm, praying mantis. That isn't half bad! Praying mantis it is, then!" the blond boy smiled. He had found his animal! Now all that remained was to observe it!
But he could definitely find it again tomorrow… and it was getting kinda late. He scouted around for a comfy tree, then leapt and climbed up, swinging on the branch before settling in nicely. The sounds of the forest surrounded him in a natural orchestra that was incredibly soothing.
The last thought in his simple mind was how impressed everyone was gonna be, and how fun it would be to defeat Sasuke with his very own style. He drifted into sleep with a confident smile on his face, ambitious thoughts in his head, and the music of the wild in his ears.
The next day, the blond awoke, bleary-eyed and tired.
'Where the hell am I?' Naruto wondered, scratching his head. 'Where are my pajamas? And why don't I have my Gopher Cap on!' the blond continued mentally, feeling aggrieved.
Then he remembered why he was there, and flipped out of the tree, awake and alert. He stretched, grunting slightly, and when he was done he pumped a fist into the air. "All right!" he enthused. "I'm gonna find a praying mantis, and develop my own style!"
He spent the next five hours until lunch looking at praying mantises. The more he observed them, the more excited he got. 'This is definitely the right choice,' he thought, feeling almost proud of the particular praying mantis he was looking at. It had eaten six caterpillars, two spiders and an earthworm since he had started staring intently at it. Which was really quite remarkable! Surprisingly, though, for something that ate so much it was really quite muscular.
Thinking of eating, Naruto's stomach growled almost painfully as if in reminder that he hadn't eaten yet. Naruto, however, forced thoughts of ramen (Kami-sama, ramen!) out of his mind, and concentrated on how the praying mantis fed.
"It's quite amazing, really," Naruto said out loud. 'It just sits there, patient, in its stance… until the prey walks by. And then it leaps forward and snaps the prey between its claws, and uses its mouth-claws to eat the prey alive… well, I certainly wouldn't want to eat my opponent!' He frowned, distracted, not noticing the preying mantis anymore. 'Not that I really wanna wait so long either, but…'
'Maybe something else special about it? It… uses both arms to attack? But that's because it's so fast, the prey doesn't even have time to react… meaning no time to defend, or counterattack. If its first attack fails, though, it's done for…' Naruto reflected, remembering a separate praying mantis he had been watching. A jumping spider had killed it; when it launched its claws, the spider had leapt into the air, landing behind it. Instantly, the spider had sunk its fangs into the mantis, which thrashed around spastically before dying. Naruto, being the sentimental boy he was, barely suppressed tears at that.
'That's because it overextends itself, though… perhaps if I change the style so that instead of powerful quick strikes, I aim for moderately strong but extremely quick strikes? If I can recover, I can hit again and again…' the train of thought continued. He already knew what the stance would be – it would be similar to the praying mantis, his hands a curved palm, fingers together but curving in… arms raised, elbows slightly bent, knees shoulder length apart, right leg in front of left by two steps. It had simply flashed into his head as he was watching it. 'This is really interesting! Chouji's idea was really good, after all!' he smiled. He had had some doubts at the start, but Naruto was now perfectly in agreement with the idea.
'What if I miss? What then?' Naruto mulled over the possibility in his head. 'If he (Naruto's imaginary opponents were always male) manages to block… he can just use his arms to blow away my defence… then it'll be all over.'
Then the answer came to him in a flash. 'OF COURSE! If he does that, I can just hug him, then knee him in the balls! That'll definitely work!' A shadow of doubt crossed Naruto's mind. If his opponent did that before him… a knee in the genital area would really hurt.
Then he shrugged, and in typical Naruto-style, forgot all about it. 'Oh well. You only live once.'
Taijutsu Style: Praying Mantis still had quite a long way to go… but damn, Naruto was hungry. And when he was hungry, everything else came second, and ramen came first.
Actually, no matter what, ramen pretty much came first… so the previous statement didn't mean much.
The blond staggered into town, his stomach making pained noises and grumbling louder than Shikamaru did after being forced to train for three hours straight… which was pretty damn loud. The pedestrians glared at him in a mixture of resentment and amusement. The blond boy, wild-looking, with twigs and leaves in his hair and clothing and with a crazed look in his eyes, looked rather funny, even if he was the Kyuubi. Dragging himself finally to the Ichiraku Ramen Bar, the youth stumbled and held onto a wooden stool for dear life. "I'm… here…" he groaned, pulling himself up into a sitting position, ignoring the stares from the other patrons.
"Old man! Quick, whip up a bowl of noodles before I STARVE!" Naruto moaned after about 5 seconds, irritably tapping his fingers on the wooden table in an erratic pattern, almost like a tap dance with his hands.
"Be patient, Naruto. Good ramen takes time." The old man said placidly, neither quickening nor slowing the deliberate movements as he lowered the noodles into the pot.
"I'm gonna die I'm gonna die I'm gonna die…" Naruto chanted as his stomach, in its hunger, tried to digest itself.
He gasped in relief as the old man finally dropped a bowl laden with noodles onto the counter. "Ugh… thank Kami-sama! Mmmflfgh!" the rest of what he had to say was smothered as the ramen flew into his mouth. The sinfully smooth noodles slid down his throat in quick succession, one after the other. The blond had an almost frenzied look on his face, as he apparently attempted to try to break the sound barrier with his mouth.
"Oh, you don't need to go so far… I'm just an old man, not the Kami… though that is rather flattering…" the old man rambled on amicably.
Some time later (about ten minutes), after he had finished his fourth bowl, Naruto sighed in relief, wiping his mouth and sighing. "That was great!" he praised the chef. "I think you're the best Ramen Bar in Konoha!"
"Why, thank you. Now pay up."
"Uh…"
"Naruto…" the old man's vein twitched. "I just cooked up several bowls of high quality ramen just for you. Now, if you don't pay your tab…"
"Um…" the blond's eyes darted around wildly. "Hey, Iruka-sensei, there you are!" he said, waving frantically to someone over the cook's shoulder.
"What? Oh, well, Iruka will definitely pay your bill… or… make you…" he trailed off as he turned around, to spy… no one.
"Grr… NARUTO! YOU CAN FORGET ABOUT EATING HERE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!" the cook screamed at the orange blur vanishing into the distance.
"What a day… first I wake up in the middle of the forest, then I get banned from Ichiraku's by the cook himself!" Naruto ranted, conveniently forgetting that he was the main cause of both things.
Chouji nodded in sympathy. "Yeah, I know how it goes. It was like when I got banned from this buffet restaurant just because… well, just because I ate. They did say 'all you could eat', after all…" he sighed.
Feeling depressed, the Genin-in-training had sought out the two people he sorta-considered his friends… Shikamaru and Chouji. Who were, as might be expected on a weekend, staring at clouds and eating respectively.
"Why go to all that trouble?" Shikamaru snorted. "Becoming a Genin… or a Chuunin, for that matter… is all overrated anyway. Just stay a normal person… and everything will be fine."
"Oh? And what if we get into a war, and you can't protect yourself 'cause you don't know nothing about being a ninja?" a new voice snorted. Naruto turned his head slowly from lying on the grassy field they were on, a clearing near to the city.
"Hey, dog-breath! Whaddya up to, coming here?" Naruto greeted the Inuzuka with a tired wave.
Kiba snorted again. "Why can't I, stupid moron?" Akamaru perched, as usual, on his head, barking in support.
"No fair, I'm being double-teamed," he mumbled, rolling over and staring at the sky.
"What's with you?" Kiba asked, looking at the blond weirdly, but did the same, lying on the spring grass.
"Nah, I'm fine. I'm just tired… spent the night in the woods," he said.
"Now why'd you go and do that, idiot?" Kiba said, wrinkling his nose. "Damn, you stink. Have you showered!"
That was the final straw. Naruto was tired, dirty, smelly (alright, he admitted it!), had been banned from Ichiraku's, and still hadn't finished the Praying Mantis style even halfway yet. He snapped.
"You're one to talk, dog-breath!" he retorted, seemingly gaining some strength. "After all, both you and Akamaru smell like you haven't been toilet-trained yet!"
"Hey, don't insult Akamaru!" the semi-feral boy yelled back. "He's ten times smarter than you, and a hundred times stronger!" Akamaru snarled in agreement.
"Yeah, right!"
"Why don't we settle this in a fight?" he suggested, narrowing his eyes. "We'll prove that we're a million times stronger than you, you failure!"
"Fine! Let's go then!"
"Boy, he seems to get into a lot of fights, doesn't he?" Chouji remarked to Shikamaru, still nursing a bruised abdomen. "This should be pretty exciting though, they're both quite good…"
"Eh, whatever. It's too troublesome to keep up with their antics," Shikamaru sighed, staring at the fluffy, peaceful clouds drifting across the azure infinity that was the sky.
Meanwhile, the two aggressors squared off, both tensed and ready for action.
"Taijutsu only?" Naruto asked, excitement in his voice. He hated himself for showing that – he wanted to be cold and menacing like Sasuke, dammit, and that just didn't work with excitement – but he always got this way whenever a fight approached.
"You wish, loser," Kiba smirked. "I'm not a complete dunce at Jutsus like you, I don't need to limit myself that way."
Naruto bristled angrily. "Shut up!" he growled. A hot fury settled in the pit of his stomach. If there was one thing he hated, it was people making fun of his abilities as a ninja.
"Dunce, dunce, dunce…" the tattooed youth taunted.
"Shut UP!" With that, the blond sped through a quick cycle of seals, his hands slowly but carefully forming each of them. "Bunshin no Jutsu!" One clone appeared, and the two Naruto's were unified in their looks of identical rage on their faces. They charged in unison.
"So slow? You suck!" a Naruto smirked, dodging the temperamental Inuzuka's fists. "And you thought you could- OWCH! What the HELL!" he yelped in shock, as he turned around to find Akamaru growling angrily and latched on to his buttock.
"That's great, Akamaru!" Kiba encouraged, smiling maliciously. "So you're the real Naruto! You should really be looking at me, not at Akamaru – though we'll bring you down together!" With that, he hurled a fist at the blond, who looked on… in triumph? Shocked, Kiba quickly flashed around, just in time to catch a fist that smacked into his palm with a meaty-sounding impact.
"What the… that's impossible!" Kiba said, astounded, as the Naruto Akamaru was biting gave a victory wave, grinned menacingly, made a 'V' sign, and disappeared into smoke. He ducked under an outstretched fist, attempting to grab Naruto's legs. The blond, however, used Kiba's back as a base to lift himself up with his hands. He then flipped away, making about five metres before landing.
"What is?" Naruto asked, an arrogant smile on his face. "Didn't think I could master it? LOSER!" he yelled, pulling down an eyelid and sticking out his tongue.
"No, you idiot, Bunshins don't have any mass! They're just thin air!" Kiba yelled back, infuriated.
The Genin-in-training looked derisive. "Don't try to trick me, you-"
"Look, you moron. Bunshin no Jutsu!" Kiba said, and in a poof of smoke four Kibas appeared.
Naruto sulked. "Yeah, yeah, I know, there are four of them, good job…"
"Not that, idiot!" Kiba ground his teeth in frustration. How dense could the blond be! "I'll show you." With that, he did an elbow jab on a surprised looking clone, who barely had enough time to cry out before disappearing into smoke. "They don't have substance!"
"But… but…" Naruto blinked. "Chouji, Shikamaru… Bunshins are… just air?"
"Yep," Chouji nodded, chewing noisily on a handful of chips. "How does Naruto make real clones, though? Ne, Shikamaru?" he asked, prodding the lazy boy in the side.
Shikamaru grumbled inaudibly, then sighed, hard in thought. "What the teachers at the Academy don't tell you, is that Jutsus are controlled – to quite a limited extent - by our own expectations of the Jutsu." He thought for a moment more, then said, "Naruto - who probably paid about 0 attention in class – didn't know that Bunshins were made out of nothing, and so he forced a lot more chakra into the construct, probably making a real one. At least, that's as far as I can figure. Damn, you guys are troublesome," he grumbled.
"That's impossible!" Kiba objected. In the midst of their new discovery, they had forgotten all about the fight. "Then he practically made a new Jutsu!"
Shikamaru sighed again, and glared at Kiba. "All Jutsus were made by Shinobis..." He simply said. "So why can't Naruto make one?"
"'Cause he's an idiot, that's why!"
"So are you."
"Yeah, that's- HEY!"
Naruto, not even noticing the insult or the quarrel that subsequently followed, looked mystified, and let himself fall hard upon the ground, stinging his butt. If he had really changed a Jutsu… and so easily…
Then how much harder could it be to completely create a Jutsu?
A/N: Alright, how was it?
Hopefully all the characters are still IC, Naruto is still believable, and so on and so forth. Romance might not come for a while.
As always, NaruTemari is winning, with NaruSasu a close behind. There's NO WAY I'm gonna count the votes, though, with 154 reviews. If a reviewer could do it… well, I'd definitely be grateful! (Snuggle.)
Also, next week I'm going to Shanxi province on a school field trip… so no update. (Cry.) I already have some of chapter 6 written, though… so if I come back to find lots!reviews, I'll definitely work at 500 efficiency and turn it out super fast! If not, I'll write a million chapters in a day! If I can't, I'll walk around Konoha on my hands! If I can't do that, I'll…
Never mind. Anyway, if I'm pleasantly surprised, I'll work hard. Promise!
Anyway, review away. I like t3h reviews!