A/N: Well, I'm really churning out the chapters. When I started this (which is NOW) chapter 4 was barely out a few days. Anyway… Vote, Review, and Enjoy!
As always, I will address issues as they come up.
Some people – okay, one person is kinda pissed about the "Naruto doesn't know Kage Bunshin? Oh well, he does it anyway" thing. Think about it. Even with zero chakra control, he learnt the technique – somewhat – in… what, four hours? If he thought Bunshins were real, I'd bet my ass he'd find someway to make it happen.
Professional Ninja Skills for Idiots
Chapter 6Hurriedly, Naruto dashed up the stairs to his apartment, his hands shaking slightly as they fumbled with the keys. Finally slamming the poor piece of metal into the keyhole, he twisted it, flung the door open and went straight towards the small bag he now used to bring The Book to school.
Taking it out, he flipped quickly through the pages, until he came to a stop on 'Jutsus: the Basics'.
"Jutsus… Jutsus… Jutsus… there it is! Seals blah chakra blah blah… aha! Jutsu Creation!" Naruto finally cried out, happiness filling his voice like he'd hit a jackpot.
His eyes quickly scanned the page, noting down the words for future use. 'Each seal has a purpose, whether it be for the elements, or for particular uses. For example, Kawarimi no Jutsu uses the Horse seal to specify the purpose of the Jutsu – transportation - followed by the Eagle-Ram seals to focus on an object to switch with. Therefore, if one was sufficiently familiar with the seals or had great will – or on the other hand, ignorance -…'
Naruto's eyes widened, and his heart pounded.
'One could change, or even create Jutsus.'
The rest of the day was spent on further study and experimentation. First of all, Naruto took a shower – he had to. After sniffing his armpit to check the truth of Kiba's words, he nearly fainted. As it was, he turned green, and yelled, "Damn, that's nasty!"
Running water filled the apartment, followed by the sounds of hasty scrubbing. In about a minute, a rubbed-raw Naruto popped out, a towel around his waist and another bundling up his spikes. Grinning in glee, he plopped himself down onto his sofa and scanned the page. Thoughts of impressive, super-cool Jutsus that would make everyone go 'Oh my god! That totally rocks!' filled his mind. "And then they'll all have to accept that I'm the perfect candidate for Hokage!" he said, momentarily turning over and staring at the ceiling, a dreamy look coming over his face.
'Oh, Hokage-sama, I'm so sorry I ever banned you from my shop! Please come back! I'll give you free ramen for the rest of your life!' the imaginary owner of Ichiraku's pleaded.
He lay there for a moment more before he realized something.
He was dripping water onto the pages of The Book.
"Oh, shit!" Naruto fumbled around, and finally got up, frantically drying the damp pages.
After that was done, he went to the fridge, absentmindedly pulling out a carton of milk. Pouring a cup for himself, he put the milk back, and closed the refrigerator with a twist of his leg.
"Now, to study, and beat everyone in the Academy!" Naruto cheered, taking a gulp of milk.
As it was, Naruto didn't get far. Pretty soon, he got a really…
Really...
Really bad stomachache.
"Oh, Kami-sama!" Naruto groaned in the washroom, as his stomach gave a spasm and he ejected a few pieces of bodily waste.
"Why the – AUGH! – hell… didn't – UNGH! – I check the damn… expiry date?" he whimpered, thumping his head against the wall.
It hadn't helped that Naruto had been holding in his shit for the last few days. It was a trick all ninja were taught – tensing the muscles in your ass could let you not have to take a crap for a few weeks, or more. Generating chakra to the area kept the crap soft, but even if you failed, all you got was some hard, dried up shit – and it was definitely better to have constipation than diarrhea, especially if you were in enemy territory.
Unfortunately, constipation did not mix well with food poisoning… and Naruto had never been good with the generating chakra thing.
"ARGH!" he moaned, and black spots appeared in front of his eyes, twirling around and around. Naruto's pain tolerance was pretty high – it had to be, to take all the beatings for the pranks he pulled – but this was beyond the worst thrashing he'd ever had!
And he'd endured it for 15 minutes already!
'I can't… I can't take more of this.' Naruto thought, pained, as his intestines seemed to flop around inside him. 'What… what the hell was in that damn milk! I've gotta do SOMETHING!'
And then the answer came to him in a flash.
Ideas for seals spilled through his mind, and Naruto sat up excitedly before another wave of agony made him clutch his knees. 'Monkey seal, for body…then Horse, for movement, then Bi- AHH!… Bird for change!' he thought weakly.
Shakily, Naruto made the three seals, focusing chakra to his hands. 'I don't know how much it's gonna need, sooooo…I hope this works…' Naruto failed to suppress another whimper as his stomach reminded him painfully that all of this, all of it… was all his fault.
"Monkey, Horse, Bird… what should I call it?" Naruto whispered harshly out loud, as his hands glowed blue, splayed in the Bird seal. "Oh, the pain… Kami-sama! Holy shit! Harakudashi no Jutsu!" Naruto frenziedly yelled, throwing his hands out, palms facing his body. As for what he concentrated on… well, he concentrated on bowel movement. Lots and lots of it.
The chakra exploded inwards, in a pretty wave, making Naruto feel slightly warm and making his stomach gurgle…
… And nothing happened.
"NOOOOO!" Naruto screamed in desperation, sinking his head into his hands, only to grunt as pain overwhelmed him. "What the… what've I gotta do!" he asked plaintively to no one.
"One more time… Harakudashi no Jutsu!" Naruto mumbled, hands twisting and coming together. Once more, they glowed blue, and he repeated the motion, thrusting his hands outwards. Nothing happened, besides a weakening feeling as his chakra faded away.
"Harakudashi no Jutsu!"
"Harakudashi no Jutsu!"
Again and again he tried it, sometimes changing seals, feeling his limbs getting limper and limper as chakra concentrated, then burst away through his hands.
"DAMMIT! WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO!" Naruto finally yelled, head resting on his knees, oblivious to the smell of his crap. All he felt was lots of pain and frustration.
A lot of pain and frustration.
"Do I have to… put the frickin' palms on my body…for it to work!" he gasped.
Then he blinked.
"I'm such an idiot," he grumbled. 'Monkey, Horse, Bird… I'll try that, first.'
"Harakudashi no Jutsu!" the blue glow was weaker now, flickering in and out. But it was still good enough. He pushed his palms onto his stomach.
The effect was instantaneous.
"Oh… my… God!" he gasped, as an enormous pressure pushed on his bowels. Relaxing his butt, Naruto felt – and smelt – most of his stomach's contents rush out into the toilet bowl.
"AHHH! AHH! Ah, ah…" he sighed in relief, as the pain finally drained away. "Damn, that feels good!" he said cheerfully, wrinkling his nose against the smell. Wiping his ass, he pulled up his pants, kicked the toilet handle, and watched it wash away a ton of shit. "Finally got that crap outta me," he sighed, washing his hands in the sink. He was halfway out the bathroom before he realized something.
He had just created his first Jutsu.
After that, he was pretty much giddy with anticipation. "I've already made my first one… how hard can the rest be?" he grinned.
Pretty hard, as it turned out.
"Katon: Enjou no Jutsu!" he yelled, performing the Fire seals, then the Tiger and Bird seals. Quickly, he gripped his right wrist with his left hand, and aimed his right palm at a few stacks of parchment.
A little bit of heat escaped his palm.
"Aww…" he frowned, sitting down and sucking his lower lip as he tried to think. "Why isn't it working?"
'Alright, time to check the book,' he thought. Grabbing The Book, which was starting to look slightly worn from the frequent flipping and folding of pages, he searched quickly through it. 'While some Ninjutsus - to be more exact, the ones that require contact – are easy to create, Jutsus that utilize chakra outside the body often require a great deal of control, as opposed to other Jutsus that only require a massive chakra reserve. For better chakra control, there are several ways to achieve this… the easiest way is to get your local Ninja trainer to help you out.'
"Hmm… I guess that means Iruka-sensei?" Naruto pondered. "Oh well, I kinda need heavier weights anyway… off we go!"
"IRUKA-SENSEI!" Naruto shouted happily, after sneaking up on an unsuspecting Iruka trundling around his office, collecting a stack of paper and making it into a neat pile.
"What the!" Iruka exclaimed, dropping the paper, and whirling around and falling into a Taijutsu stance, five kunai spinning around his fingers and sent whizzing towards Naruto before Iruka realized what he had done. "Oh, crap! Naruto-!"
"Wow, you're slow, Iruka-sensei!" Naruto commented, as he snagged a nearby chair and held it up calmly. All the five kunai thudded soundly into it, four of which drove their way straight through the wood.
"Now look what you've made me do," Iruka grumbled, after he got over the shock of seeing his pupil pop up next to him on a weekend – not to mention, the slight aggrievement he felt that Naruto had been able to block his kunais so easily. "You've ruined my favorite chair!"
"Me! What the heck did I do to your chair!" Naruto objected.
"Never mind, just tell me what you came here for," Iruka sighed, pulling out the kunai with a crunch of breaking wood andsome effort.Swiftly, hereplaced them into his belt pouch.
"Oh, well, the weights you gave me… they're lousy! I need new ones!" Naruto cheerfully told him.
Iruka froze. "What?"
"I said," Naruto mouthed slowly, like he was talking to a five-year old child, "I can move real easy in them! So I want new ones!"
"You serious? You have your weights on now?" Iruka frowned, a disbelieving look on his face. "Let me see."
Obligingly, Naruto opened his jumpsuit, and sure enough, weights were bound onto his body everywhere.
"B-b-but…" Iruka stuttered, "You shouldn't be done with them yet!"
"Whaddya mean by that, Iruka-sensei?" Naruto questioned. "Does that mean I'm brilliant? That I'm a genius? I KNEW IT! HA HA HA! In your FACE, SASUKE-TEME!" he suddenly gloated, a giant smirk appearing on his face. Once again, Naruto amazed Iruka with the lengths of conclusions he could jump.
"Uh…" Iruka scratched his head.
Quickly, the instructor ran the boy through a few short drills, agility and the like. After they were done, Iruka sat back, astounded. "This is… Naruto!" he breathed. "You never took them off, right?"
"Yeah! Yeah!" Naruto nodded eagerly. "Good enough? Quick, tell me this means I rock!"
Iruka was simply blown away. Naruto had gotten used to a total of 60 extra pounds strapped to his body in barely more than a week? The possibilities were… endless.
"Ne, ne, Iruka-sensei! You okay?" he frowned, poking the elder Chuunin hard in the forehead when he started looking dazed.
"Yeah, Naruto. This is just… wow," he muttered, shaking his head. "At this rate… who knows where you'll end? Maybe you might want to come with me, this time… I'll get a substitute key for the storeroom for you…" he mused, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "You probably won't want to keep having to look for me, and it will save me a lot of trouble…"
After they got the weights out of the musty, dark storeroom, they returned to the offices. Naruto coughed, brushing some dust off the weights. "Man, have these even been used?" he said critically, peering at them. "They look old! I want new ones," he started petulantly.
"Don't be a brat, Naruto," Iruka reproached. "Though, if I remember, the last person who used this much weights was Rock Lee…"
"Rock Lee? Who's that?" he blinked, looking curious.
"Oh, a student one year older than you… he was amazing," Iruka said, smiling fondly as he recalled the bundle of problems Rock Lee had presented with him. "Totally no Ninjutsu or Genjutsu at all, but he went on and passed Genin because his Taijutsu was simply incredible!"
"Well, I won't be like that! My Bunshin and Henge are perfect, and Kawarimi's coming along nicely… I've even invented a new Jutsu!" Naruto boasted.
"Yes, yes, Naruto…" Iruka smiled indulgently, humoring (or so he thought) the younger child. "Whatever you say. I'm sure you'll pass."
"Do you have any ideas for chakra control?" Naruto suddenly asked, as he was leaving. "I nearly forgot about that! I'm having a really hard time making my other new Jutsu!"
"Hmm… you might want to ask one of the Jounins…" Iruka chewed on his lower lip, deep in thought. "Anko, maybe? She's pretty into Ninjutsu… the other person I can think of is Kurenai-san, she deals with Genjutsu… You might find them at the Jounin training field, or maybe at the first level of the Hokage's Tower… I think Anko's just returned from a mission, too, so she'll probably be at the Tower for a couple of days while the administration sorts things out…"
"Alright, then! I'll go to the Hokage's Tower first… see ya!" Naruto grinned and waved, dashing off as he finished putting on his new weights.
A/N: DONE! Woooooo yeah! Hehehe. Okay, this took a really really long time, so I'm sorry. TT Review anyway, to tell me how irresponsible I am though this chapter rocked! That would make my eyes sparkle… .
Anyway, let me tell you about some of the Japanese words here.
Harakudashi – (n) loose bowels, diarrhea
Enjou – (v) to blaze; to burn