Disclaimer: I don't own the rights to anything X-Men, or Marvel for that matter, but I would thank them not to sue me; it's not as if I'm actually making anything from all of this, and besides, don't worry, the offical stuff is probably better than mine anyway. Oh,I don't own the rights to the lyrics of this chapter's song, either, which is called 'Ghost Of You'. Alright, on with the chapter, please enjoy!
Dinner was interesting, at best. Bobby was mad at Logan, who was waiting for Haylie to apologize to Bobby and Rogue, which the Professor was waiting to referee afterwards. Jean was preparing to calm Logan down after her speech, Rogue was mad at Bobby for being ill with her all day, which was why she had Storm sit between them, and Scott was happily oblivious to all that was happening around him as he sat eating his steak and mashed potatoes.
"Uh, Mr. Xavier, may I say something to everyone, please?" Haylie asked in between dinner and desert.
"Yes you may," he said with a polite smile and braced himself for what she was about to say.
She stood, then everyone went quiet and she smiled at herself. I'm sure she thought that she alone commanded the attention of the room. Little did she know that the Professor had sent everyone a mental message to 'please give their attention' to her.
"Hi, I'm Haylie," she said and Rogue rolled her eyes at Storm, who managed to stifle a laugh and give her a stern look instead. "Last week I misunderstood something that happened between two of the staff members here and in a bit of an emotional state, I let it slip to another person and over the past week it's sort of gotten out of hand. So I would like to apologize to Bobby and Rogue Drake for the rumor that's been started about their marriage. I had no intentions to make anyone believe that Rogue was having an affair with my boyfriend Logan,"
Bobby and Rogue stared open mouthed as Logan shook his head and Scott choked on his water.
"Boyfriend?" he whispered to Logan from behind Jean's back. He only glared back at him and bared his teeth, giving him a warning with a low growl.
"And so I just wanted to apologize to the Drakes, Logan and the rest of the staff and students that may have been affected by this. I'm sorry," she said and then sat down.
Logan stood and left the table, went into the hall and started up the stairs.
"Logan, are you mad at me, I apologized to them, that's what you wanted me to do, isn't it?" Haylie asked, following him out into the hall.
He turned around at the top of the stairway and ran both hands back through his hair. "No, I'm not mad," he lied.
"So are we still going out tonight, then?" she asked. Was she desperate or what?
He let out a long sigh. "Yeah, we can leave in about an hour, alright?"
"Yeah, okay," she said, staring off at him, wondering if he was going to come back down.
"I'm gonna' go to my room for a while, I'll come get you when I'm done,"
She nodded and smiled weakly. "Yeah…alright, I'll be ready…and waiting for you,"
He didn't say anything in response; he just turned around and continued down the hall and to his room. He closed the door behind him and when he turned, he saw me standing by the door that led out to the balcony that connected to his room. I turned and smiled at him.
"So, you and Haylie are hitting it off pretty well, huh?" I asked.
"Only for you, darlin',"
"Where are you going to take her, you've already been to Tubbies together, are you going to show her how to shoot pool now, too?"
"No,"
"Well why not?"
"'Cause I don't want to,"
I walked closer to him and looked over at his nightstand where I saw my journal. "You know Logan, you never struck me as the type to keep a diary, goes to show my judge of character, ay?"
"It's yours," he said, looking away from me and scratching the back of his head.
"I know; I'm dead, not dumb. Find anything interesting in there?" I asked, walking even closer.
"No,"
"No? Does my life not interest you?" I asked teasingly as I kept walking, closing the gap between us.
He made a sound in the back of his throat and looked at me nervous and confused; it was the longest conversation he had had with me yet. "No, I do, but, uh…"
"You know Logan, I don't think I've ever seen you like this; you're usually so witty," I said, stopping right in front of him, folding my arms over my chest.
"I miss you, kid; I want you here with me,"
"But I am,"
"No…no," he said, shaking his head. "I want you. I wanna' hold you, I wanna' touch you, I wanna'," he paused as tears rimed his eyes. "I wanna' be able to feel you," I stepped up to him and placed a hand on his cheek. He looked up and closed his eyes, fighting back tears. He could feel my hand, but it was distant and icy cold against his skin, not warm, as it had once been. "Why did you leave me?" he asked, looking back at me, his eyes full of pain and his face taught with anger. He ground his back teeth down, keeping his jaw steady and his nostrils flared as he tried to keep the tears in his red streaked eyes from falling.
"I didn't leave you, I'm right here and I'm with you where ever you go. You won't always see me, but I'm there. I'll be in the snowflake, or the raindrop, or the wind that blows by you. I'll be in everything that makes you smile or laugh, and I promise you one day that you'll be happy again. Don't ever think that I don't want you to be happy, I don't care what happened to me, I want you to keep living, because as long as you do, I know that I will. You took care of me, you did a good job and we had a long run, but it's time for you to rest, you have to Logan, promise me that you will?"
He looked at me, into my eyes and a tear escaped his eye, rolling down his cheek as he looked up, taking a shaky breath. "I promise," he said, looking back at me.
"Good," I said shaking me head and moving my hand from his face. "I have to go now,"
"No, stay here with me, please," he said.
"Logan, why do you ask, you know that I can't," I said, backing away from him slowly.
"No, you can, just for a little while Chloe, just stay right here with me,"
I moved back a few more feet and smiled with enough sadness of my own to haunt him for a few more nights. "I told you, I didn't leave, I just have to go for now," I said, reaching the door to his balcony and opening it. I back up out onto it and the lightly falling snow fell down around me. "I love you Logan, you do know that, don't you?"
He swallowed hard and took a slow, shaking breath. He ran his hand over his mouth and rested it at his neck. "Yeah darlin', I know it, I love you, too," he said and then watched as I disappeared into a wind carrying snow, which blew the door closed that I had left open.
I was gone, I had left him once again and it hurt him worse and worse each time I did. He was torn slightly; he enjoyed seeing and speaking to me even though I was dead. It was a morbid comfort for him. However, he hated not being able to control seeing me when he wanted and the pain he felt when I would go away each time, rivaled that which he felt those first few days after my death, and that made him want to stop seeing me.
There was a knock on his door and he turned right around to answer it. He opened the door and saw Scott standing in the hall in front of him.
"What do you want, Scooter?" he asked.
"I just wanted to see if you were okay?"
"Why wouldn't I be?"
"Well, I heard…"
"You heard what?" he growled.
"I heard you talking….to Chloe,"
"So?"
"I know we don't get along that well Logan," Scott said and Logan let out a grunted laugh. "But if you ever want to talk about it with me then you know you can, I understand what you're going through right now,"
"Do you?" he asked with a slight condescending tone.
"Logan, when I lost Jean it nearly killed me, there was nothing I could do to get her off my mind and I nearly went crazy without her,"
"I can't go anywhere in this school without seein' her, she's everywhere I go. I can't turn a corner without rememberin' the last time I saw her there," he said, his voice slightly rising with anger as he spoke.
"I know, it takes a long time to get over it, it hurts,"
Logan looked at him. "You didn't have to watch Jean die in your arms while you had to sit there not able to do anything to make her feel better. I had to watch her, lying there, scared about dying and I could do anything to stop her from bein' terrified. Jean knew she could die and chose to do it anyway, Chloe didn't ask to be killed, someone took her life when she didn't deserve it. You got your girl back Summers, I'm not gonna' get mine," he said and then shut the door in his face.
Get the feeling that you're never
All alone and I remember now
At the top of my lungs in my arms she dies
She dies
At the end of the world
Or the last thing I see
You are
Never coming home
Never coming home
Could I? Should I?
And all the things that you never ever told me
And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me
Never coming home
Never coming home
Could I? Should I?
And all the wounds that are ever gonna scar me
For all the ghosts that are never gonna catch me
Things just weren't going well for Logan; I was gone and the reality of that was sinking in deeply, he was having to keep up an act with Haylie so that she would follow the plan that he had somehow let Jean talk him into. Then there had been the whole ordeal of the rumor that he and Rogue were having and affair and so the last thing that he needed was Scott going all Dr. Phil on him and trying to get him to 'share his feelings'. What he needed was a bottle of whiskey, a hot shower and to sleep it all off for a couple of hours. Unfortunately, he didn't have the luxury, however; he had to take Haylie out in less than an hour and so he did the next best thing to losing himself in a bottle of alcohol; getting lost in my journal. He walked over to his bed, sat down and picked up the book before flipping towards the back and opening it to an entry from January seventeenth.
"Dear Journal,
Today was dreary and dismal, once again. It's still odd for me to grasp how big of a part of my life Logan was. Without him, it like my life had stopped or been put on pause. I miss him so much, but I guess it's good for me to be spending more time with everyone else. I mean, Jean, Storm and I have gotten a lot closer over the past two or so weeks, it's still sad, though. I saw him at breakfast today and wow, did he look gorgeous. I mean, he always does, but for some reason he just looked great today.
"Chloe are you going to New York City today?" Scott asked me.
"No, I was supposed to but they called and canceled, why?"
"I was just going to see if you needed someone to go with you; it's not really safe to go by yourself.
"I lived there for two years, it's not that big of a deal for me, but thank you, though," I said with a smile.
"And it's not like she can't take care of herself or anything," Rogue said.
Today was one of her off days, but unsurprisingly, ever since Logan and I have been slightly short with each other, she's been a lot nice to me. I hope she's happy; she jump-started this whole thing. If I had been the one to kiss him at midnight, he probably wouldn't have thought anything about it, because, to be quite honest, I really think that had he not been standing right in front of me, I wouldn't have kissed him or said anything about how I felt. But I did. I am so stupid, why did I do that? Why, why, why? I mean, I realize that if he hadn't blatantly declined the prospect of us ever being together, and he had just given in some, I would be the happiest girl in the world. However, with the way things have ended, I am now one of the saddest people ever. I know I must sound like a broken record by now, but I seriously feel like every time I'm close to someone, something happens to take them away. It's like I've got some bad mo-jo going on, or something. True Logan's not gone, but we're not the same anymore. I spend all of my time in the library now, the library! I'm twenty-two, I should be out having fun, but it seems as though the only person I had to go out and have fun with was Logan. It didn't quite take a month after I was fired from the bar, for me to be just short of forgotten by Kayti and Leah. Oh well, they weren't that great of friends anyway, I suppose.
So, while we were sitting there eating, I caught Logan staring at Jean again…more like Jean and Scott, really. The months that I've been here, I've only seen him look at them like that just a few of times. It's that look of…longing, I guess. Not really romantically, but I can just tell that he wants that, what they have. I know that he wants someone to love him the way that Dr. Grey loves Scott, to have someone who, although faced with beautiful temptation, resisted. To have a love so alive, that even when you're faced with something like death, you're so twined together that nothing can pull you apart. Like there's something so strong between you that even when you're apart, you're still together. To be so in tune with someone that you never need words, you just know them so well that you already know what they're going to say, or what they need, or want. To feel as though you're so connected that they breathe for you. I know that he wants someone who knows all of his flaws, his imperfections, his mistakes, but who doesn't care. He's a grumpy little guy at time, but all Wolverine needs, all he wants, is to have someone who can be just as passionate about him and he is for them. Which can be a little scary at times, because he really is an extremely passionate man. He needs someone who can make him feel like he's everything in their world. He needs someone who's not just looking for a bad boy and a couple of night of fun, but someone who would be proud to show him off, to let everyone know that they had come with him. Someone that when he looked at them from across the room, could make them stronger and weaker all at the same time, just from his stare. He's not ready to settle down, but he wants someone that would be able to tempt him with the idea. I think Logan would like a family. A wife might do him some good and he would do so well with kids or his own, he's already so great with the ones here. I know that he's lonely; he's lived nearly twenty-two years with no family that he knows of and to have something that's his, I know that he wants that. What he doesn't realize, or know, is that I could be that for him. I could, and would, live the rest of my life with him and truly be happy. We would fight, we always do, and at some point I may want out of it, but because I know that he's it for me, the one person that no matter what's gone on in my life, no matter what we've been through together, I've always loved, I know that I would never be able to find anyone that I love like him. No matter how long it takes for us to patch up this thing between us, I know that he loves me. I don't quite know how to articulate into words just how grateful I am for all that he's given me. He's loved me when I've been unlovable, he's taken care of me when I refused his help, he's made me laugh when I wanted to cry and he can say the most honestly real things to make me cry, to move me, and then he consol me when he does. If he treated every woman the way he treated me, they would be lining up for miles just to have the smallest chance to spend time with him, but I don't know how many would stick around after the velvet gloves were taken off. I love him, but everyone knows that Wolvie has a bit of a temper and a mouth on him. I'm not sure just how many women would put up with that part, when he got a little out of hand and right before he would apologize. I'm not real sure how many other woman wouldn't be intimidated by him. I mean, I was when I first met him, to a fifteen-year old, he was a scary old man, but when I realized he wasn't all that mean, he was my best friend. I don't let him growl at me and I call him on it if he offends me, but I also know when he's joking and let him have fun. I don't know how to really explain it, but there's somewhat of an actual, physical ache to not being able to have him, to hold him, to just…touch him. It's crazy, but I actually crave the taste of cigars and cologne that he would leave in my mouth just from being around him. Those few short moments of when I got to kiss him and he was kissing me back, play over in my mind again and again until I feel like it's a drug that I need and am now having withdrawals from. Every time I see him, it's all I can do to keep from grabbing and kissing him. I miss him so badly, especially our day to day banter. We barely speak anymore, let alone argue and get to make up for it.
Well, it's only ten o'clock but nothing's on TV and I have successfully managed to depress myself even more than I was this morning, so I think I'm going to try and sleep some of it off. In the words of Scarlet O'Hara; "After all, tomorrow is another day," Okay, I might have paraphrased that a wee bit; it's been a while since I've seen the movie. So, this is goodnight!
Remember To:
Do laundry
Return books to library
Give Logan back the flannel shirt he let me borrow a few weeks ago while playing poker in his room when I got cold
Forget about loving Logan; it's starting to hurt a little more every day
Chloe,"
Logan laid the book down with a gentle ease. He knew that I knew him well, probably better than anyone else, but he had no idea that I had actually known him that well. That I had known things about him that not only had he never told anyone, but things he had never really let himself believe. How had I known everything that he wanted, how had I known exactly what he was looking for and how had he been so blind as to not see that I was what he wanted before it was too late?
He grabbed the bottle of whiskey he had in the drawer of his nightstand, replacing it with my journal, and went out onto his balcony, grabbing his leather jacket with his cigars in it on his way out. He slipped it on and sat down in one of the chairs before lighting up a cigar and slowly puffing on it. Then he opened the bottle and took three or four gulps without flinching.
The cold didn't bother him, like real wolverines, he enjoyed it, and so he sat there in near quiet for as long as he could. Come of the older students were out playing in the show beneath him and he watched them. He was upset to see that the snowman that I had made however many weeks before, was barely a lump of snow. Some of it had been knocked around by some of the kids, most of which tried to fix it as they were scared that Logan would go ballistic on them for messing it up. The rest, however, had melted quite a bit. It was still cold in Westchester, but when the sun would rise in the morning, it would melt most of the already fallen snow, which would only fall back down again by that evening. Two of the female students looked up and waved at him so he politely waved back. He wasn't supposed to drink in front of them, but since he was still in his room, he decided that it didn't count.
'Besides,' he thought. 'It's not like they don't know I drink,' He then tipped back the bottle for another long sip.
"Hey, did you forget about me?" Haylie asked, poking her head through the door that led from his bedroom out onto the terrace, which he had forgotten to shut.
"Yeah, sorry," he said, but didn't move, instead he took another long pull of whiskey, followed by sticking his cigar back between his teeth and puffing.
She moved from the doorway and sat down in the chair beside him. "You don't want to go anywhere with me tonight, do you?" she asked.
He looked at her, she was only wearing a skirt, knee high boots and a thin black top. He didn't have the same immediate thought to offer her his jacket, as he would have with Rogue, or me or any of the other girls at the school. He felt she should have been smart enough to put on a jacket of her own, and so he didn't offer her his.
"No, I'm not doin' good tonight," he said honestly.
"Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?"
"Yeah, you could go get me another bottle of Jack," he said around his cigar stub. I'm not sure that I actually ever saw him smoke a full cigar; I think he chopped them all in half to make them look that way. I don't know exactly what purpose that would serve, but it just seemed that way.
"Nothing else?" she asked, placing her hand on his arm.
"No," he said.
There was a long silence as they both watched the students that had been out in the yard in front of them leave to go back inside.
"I don't get it," she finally said.
"Get what?" he asked, leaning forward in his chair so that she had to move her hand.
"You and Chloe,"
"What don't you get?"
"How you worked,"
"There was nothing to it; we just did,"
"But I mean, you were in love with each other, but you knew her when she was a teenager, I just don't get how it worked?"
"I met her when she was fifteen, yeah, but we didn't see each other for six years and she…grew up, I guess,"
"You don't exactly sound happy about that?"
"I wasn't,"
"Why?"
"Because I thought she still should have been that young and when I saw her and she wasn't…I don't know, it felt wrong,"
"Because you were attracted to her?"
"Yeah,"
"So why did the two of you never go out if you were both so in love?"
"Because I didn't want to hurt her," he said taking another drink from his bottle. "But I did,"
"How?"
He sat back and looked over at her. "Chloe…never had anyone to take care of her, except me, and I wanted to. So when she told me that…" he paused, remembering that night clearly and running his hand back through his hair anxiously. He shook his head. "When she told me how she felt I was just afraid that I would let her down, so I told her we couldn't do that whole thing and that let her down, I guess. I shouldn't have been so hard on her, though, we both wanted the same thing, but she was the only one who actually did anything about it,"
"So if she was still alive she would be the one sitting out here with you, not me?"
"No," he said with a faint hint of a smile. "She didn't care too much for the cold,"
When you're younger, things are much simpler. Telling the truth is always right and telling a lie is always wrong. Once when I was younger, I told a woman that my mother and I went to church with that her hair looked like a bird's nest, which was the truth; it did. I was punished and though I understand why now, I probably still would have informed the woman of what her hair looked like, I didn't like her too much, she always pinched my cheeks and called me Doey, because of my 'big doe eyes'. But I digress; things are much simpler when you're younger because everything's either back or white, but when you get older, you become more aware of all of the gray areas, the things you're not sure of. When is it okay to tell the truth or to lie? Is it fair to actually judge between the two, because to be honest, can't they both help and harm the same depending on the situation? I guess because I always felt the truth was but a mere matter of opinion, I never had a problem with the gray area. I divided it and shuffled each into their own categories, respectively, and went on with my life, following my own set of rules for everything, my own set of ethics. Though our views and opinions differed quite drastically for the most part, Logan and I both followed the same rule; doing what's right means doing what's right for you, right now. However, Professor Xavier didn't agree with our rule, he believed that rules should be set for everyone and didn't appreciate the idea of decentness as a means of getting something done, unless it was absolutely necessary, at which point he only did so because he had no other choice. So it should have come as no surprise when Logan received a mental note from him two days later for him to 'please meet him in his office'. When Logan arrived to his office, he saw that Jean was there as well.
"What can I do for you, Chuck?" he asked, sitting down beside Dr. Grey and giving her a short, small smile.
"I wanted to speak to the both of you about something that I've tried to ignore for the past week or so, but I'm afraid, no longer can,"
"If this is about that rumor that me and Jean are havin' and affair, I can't lie to you Chuck; I've got a thing for red heads in lab coats," he joked and Jean rolled her eyes, but smiled.
"I'm afraid not," he said. "This is about the idea the two of you have to get Miss Robbins to meet her father,"
"What about it?" Logan asked, surprised that the Professor hadn't actually been in on it, not that it was something that he would do, but he had just assumed that Jean had told him about it, since it was part of his original idea.
"It has to stop, you can no longer lead her on the way that you are Logan; she deserves to know what's going on and the truth about the two of you,"
"And what is the truth about the two of us?" Logan asked a little upset; he hated it when someone tried to tell him what to do, even the Professor.
"You know very well that you don't share the same feelings for her as she does for you,"
"Well I don't know, you heard her the other night at dinner; I am her boyfriend now,"
"This is what I'm talking about; you've led her to believe that the two of you are now dating, when you, as well as I, know that you don't care about her the way that she cares about you. It's not right for you to use her the way that you have been,"
He let out a sigh. "Look, this is the only thing that I can do. You know that if she hadn't make me promise not to, I would have already found him and killed him. Unless you wanna' help me out, this is the only thing I know to do,"
"I think we should let the authorities handle it Logan, we're not capable of dealing with it the way they are,"
"And they're doin' a bang up job, aren't they?" he said sarcastically.
"I know how hard this is for you,"
"Just 'cause you can get inside my head and know what's goin' on up there doesn't mean you know how hard this is for me,"
"Logan," Jean said, trying to calm him and placing a hand on his shoulder. "Maybe we should just forget about this and be honest with her about it, she seems…bright, I think she'll understand where we're coming from,"
He looked at her and blinked. "Bright? Sorry Jeanie, but I've spent more time with her than you have and bright ain't what I would call her," he said with a slight chortle. "The only way we're gonna' catch him is if she helps us and right now, if I tell her all of this, she's not gonna' do it,"
"Well I'm afraid that I have decided to ask her to leave, so I'm sorry to say that you don't have any other options but to let the proper authorities deal with it,"
"Why?"
"Because this is my house and my school and it is my job to protect my staff and students in everyway possible. The rumor that Miss Robbins started about Marie simply because she was jealous of the relationship the two of you share is something that I will not tolerate,"
"I get that, but give me a week,"
"No,"
"Chuck, just give me until the end of this week, if I can't get her to meet with him then you can tell her to get out of her. Just the rest of the week…please," he pleaded. Logan not rarely, but never, pleaded and the words sounded foreign coming from his mouth, but it was sincere and the Professor knew it.
"Alright, if you can persuade Miss Robbins to meet with her father by the end of this week, I will help you to set up the meeting, if not, I would hope you tell her the truth before she leaves, because I will be asking her to leave by Monday,"
He nodded his head. "Thank you," he said and then stood. "If that's all you wanted me for, I gotta' go,"
"Yes, that's all I needed," he said and then Logan walked to the door. "Oh, and Logan,"
He turned back around. "Yeah?"
"Good luck,"
"Yeah, thanks,"