Five Robins in a Room
By Kelly M. Maraglia
Disclaimer: I do not own Robin, Young Justice, or DC Comics in any way. The only Robin I own is Keelia, who is now the fifth Robin in existence. I do not own any Monty Python references; I just own all of Flying Circus on tape and Holy Grail on DVD. This chapter is dedicated to all of us who post on the ExtremeRobin message board. We have suffered of late, trying to stay loyal to a comic that has recently sucked.
Chapter 3 – Deal Out the Fates
We return once again to the little room now revealed to be Arcanum's Pocket Dimension. On our last episode, four of the five Robins in the supposed historical continuity of DC Comics revealed their secret identities to each other. This erupted into an argument between Tim and Stephanie and much confusion for Robin #5. Will these issues be resolved in this episode? What will be revealed in the other pocket dimensions? Will Dick and Jason ever overcome the trauma of having to wear the original Robin costume? Exactly how boring can working at a calendar stand be? Is it more boring than a four-hour training on substance abuse? What did those last questions have to do with this story? Will I ever stop asking questions? Narrator is beaten over the head with a stick.
Ow! Let us find out as Arcanum deals out the Fates….
"Hi everyone, it has been a while!" Arcanum called out cheerfully.
"We were starting to think you would never show up again," Tim commented dryly.
"Think or hope?" Arcanum asked for clarification.
"No comment," Tim replied.
"Ouch, well, let us begin episode thee, shall we?" Arcanum prompted.
"You ask like we have a choice." Jason put in gloomily.
"Whine, whine, bitch bitch, complain, complain." Arcanum mumbled. Then the videophone rang, a small screen appeared and on the screen was a young woman's face. Her hair was a long, violent violet color and the Robins could not distinguish the color of her eyes because she spoke with them closed.
"Hello fellow demonic creature, are your captives as interesting as mine? They certainly taste good." The face spoke in a melodious, amused tone.
The Robins blanched.
"Are you planning on eating us, Miss Arcanum?" Dick asked, fear apparent in his voice.
"I think that qualifies as a 'better not ask' question." Keelia retorted, sarcasm and a fear intertwining in her tone.
"Oh no, Xeria and I are both demons of some sort. Therefore, we can feed off negative emotions. I choose not to, but I cannot say the same for her, you know?' Arcanum clarified and the Robins sighed.
"So who is captive in her dimension, anyone we know?" Stephanie asked out of curiosity.
"Actually, yes, Xeria, how about we let our captives see each other?" Arcanum replied simply.
"That might ruin the secrets, ne?" Xeria cautioned and opened one eye to reveal an amazing amethyst color.
"Just think of the drama though!" Arcanum raved.
"True, alright," Xeria smiled ad stepped away from the video phone. The screen expanded to the length of an entire wall. The five Robins gathered in front and mixed emotions of shock, wonder, and happiness washed over them.
Within Xeria's Pocket Dimension, there was a small variety of people. Batman stared rarely dumbfounded at the five incarnations of his brightly colored decoy. Nightwing looked shocked as he stared at himself as a young boy. Red Hood, minus the hood, but still masked and recently revealed to be Jason Todd stared at his younger self with a mixture of sadness, anger and guilt. Marcus Lobo was there as well and he was the first to speak.
"Where the frag have you been, Darlin'? Do you know how fraggin' worried I was!" He bellowed, banging on the screen.
Keelia could not help herself; she smiled, walked up to the screen and covered Marcus' hand with her own.
"I'm sorry I worried you Marcus. If you only knew how happy I am to see you." She whispered to him in a quiet tone. His face softened.
"I'm just glad you're safe Darlin'. I came in the house only to see you fadin' away. Next thing I know, the scenery around me starts changing to all fraggin' weird and I black out and wake up stuck in this fraggin' room with this fraggin' nutcase!" Marcus explained referring to Xeria who simply smiled with her eyes closed.
"The scenery changed?" Keelia questioned.
"It would seem that something changed to alter the future which would explain why you and your brother faded away and the scenery changed." Arcanum reasoned.
"Then why didn't I go with it?" Marcus asked.
"I was able to bring you here because your spirit was determined not to change with the scenery, probably because of your strong connection to her." Xeria explained, referring to Keelia.
"Anyhow, I would like to introduce the other captives of my room." Xeria continued.
"Who else do you have in there?" Arcanum questioned.
"Well, here's one I'm going to send you because the costume fits." Xeria began.
A young girl with short orange hair, wearing the original Robin costume fell into the room of Robins.
"Oh, I forgot Carrie. She was from an awesome side story, but she does not count toward continuity, so I am not going to keep her here." Arcanum explained to the confused Robins, before kicking Carrie off the island.
"Technically, your fifth Robin over there doesn't exist either." Xeria pointed out.
"She is cool, so she stays." Arcanum simply shrugged.
"Uh, thank you Arcanum." Keelia said uneasily.
"Welcome, so who else is in there?" Arcanum asked again.
"I have the Tormented One." Xeria said in a low, mysterious tone. Both her eyes opened and an evil smirk graced her face.
"You are torturing some? Cool, who?" Arcanum asked excitedly.
Xeria gestured to an older woman, strapped to the ceiling with duck tape. She had numerous cuts on her body.
"That's Dr. Thompkins!" Dick exclaimed.
"Let her go, you monster!" Jason yelled. Xeria's eyes darkened and power exploded all around her in her rage.
"It's MAZOKU, not monster! Damn Central Park Media! I'm a MAZOKU!" Xeria screamed, frightening the inhabitants of both dimensions. Then she paused, took a deep breath and calmed down.
"Besides, I won't let her go. I'm going to let her slowly bleed to death when I have easy access to a healer. That's what doctors do, isn't it Leslie?" Xeria said cruelly and laughed.
"No, please just kill me." Leslie coughed and begged.
"From what I've heard you did Leslie, your fate is divine justice." Red Hood added coldly.
"You really became twisted, Jason! It's not our right to decide that!" Nightwing yelled at his successor. Red Hood just shrugged.
"I agree with the nutcase and the so-called twisted one. The story is that this doctor fragged a teenage girl by purposely not treating her wounds." Marcus put his two cents in. Xeria then stole the two pennies.
"Hey, give those back, you fraggin' nut!" Marcus yelled and began chasing Xeria around the room.
"No, the more appropriate fate is for her to face justice…" Batman began.
"…And get out a month later for good behavior." Red Hood put in earning a glare from Batman.
"Now I'm going to introduce my crazed, justice-loving Aunt Amelia." Xeria announced as Amelia Wil Tesla Saillune appeared in Xeria's Dimension.
"You call yourself a healer and yet you take a life, heaven may forgive you, but Amelia will not!" The "justice freak" began her usual justice speech, much to Xeria's chagrin, and pointed directly at Leslie.
"You suck at life!"
There was a pause as what Amelia actually said suck in and then mostly everyone collapsed, laughing hysterically.
"Thanks Auntie, I need that." Xeria said pretending to wipe a tear away from he eye.
"It was the only justifiable thing to say!" Amelia said and left.
"Actually, Xeria, I have a more appropriate punishment for our Miss Not-so-worthy doctor." Arcanum said in a truly sinister tone.
"Oh, is it the comfy chair?" Xeria asked.
"No," Arcanum replied.
"The soft cushions?" Xeria tried again.
Neither noticed that those who understood the references slapped their hands to their foreheads.
"Nope, you shall see." Arcanum answered and suddenly Leslie disappeared and reappeared in an entirely different dimension, which both dimensions watched through a different video screen.
"Welcome to Kelly's Inferno where those who receive the 'sucking at life sentence' come!" Kelly, who looked a lot like Arcanum, only human, announced.
The inhabitants of Kelly's Inferno included such nefarious creatures as the Joker, bad English voice actors, Black Mask, Frieza, Yuuna, Meyrin, annoying baseball teams and others that suck at life.
"No not here, don't leave me here!" Leslie begged.
"Arcanum, I commend you for the purity of your evil." Xeria added with a smirk.
"Thanks Xeria, no, you belong there now Leslie." Arcanum pronounced.
"Oh f a duck, I suck!" Leslie cried.
There was pause then mostly everyone laughed.
"I didn't see that one coming." Xeria commented.
"Neither did I," Arcanum said in addition.
"I did, that is what everyone says when they come here. Don't worry about her, Saint Phoenix usually takes care of them after a while." Kelly shrugged.
"Cool, bye now!" Xeria said and she and Arcanum waved.
"Bye," Kelly saluted and videophone for the Inferno shut off and disappeared.
"Weren't you supposed to deal out the fates this episode?" Xeria asked Arcanum.
"Oh yeah, oops, well, there is always next year." Arcanum chuckled nervously.
"What are you, a Red Sox fan?" Xeria cracked.
"Well, yeah, anyhow this episode was not nearly as silly." Arcanum assessed.
"It was demonically silly." Xeria reasoned.
"Actually, it was just demonic. Goodbye for now, Xeria!" Arcanum debated back.
Xeria waved and the other pocket dimension disappeared, much to the Robins' dismay.
"Do not fret; you shall see them again, after I deal out the fates!" Arcanum announced.
"Weren't you supposed to do that this episode?" Stephanie asked.
"Uh…it is a two-part episode." Arcanum declared suddenly.
"The episode is practically over and you declare it a two-part episode?" Tim asked, flabbergasted
"Yes, just picture 'to be continued' popping up on the screen." Arcanum answered.
"Why?" Dick asked.
"Because," Arcanum answered.
"I'm going to regret this, but because why?" Jason asked in annoyance.
"Because it is the silly thing to do of course!" Arcanum answered.
There was a pause and then everyone collapsed while Arcanum simply laughed.
COMING SOON: Deal out the Fates part II
Or
Chapter 4
Extra Notes: Shout-outs to my friend Tim and my coworker Jamie for their quotes I stole. Uh…not stole, consider them tributes! hee hee
Quick note: I do not usually refer to Robin as Batman's brightly colored decoy, but this story is silly after all.
In addition, I mentioned anime references to Slayers, DBZ, Saint and Gundam Seed Destiny. I don't own these Animes. If I owned Slayers, there would be a fourth season. If I owned DBZ, we would all worship Vegeta. If I owned Gundam Seed Destiny, then the two characters that split up at the end of the series would have stayed together. If I owned Saint Seiya, then volume thirteen would be released.
As far as the reference to Kelly's Inferno, I need to put it on because it is good. When I do, please read it.
Yes, there is a Red Sox reference, but sue me. I am in withdrawal until April. I do not own them.