~ 5 ~
I wake with a start, not unusual given how annoying those damned dreams are. I'm not crying, however, and there's no residual wetness on my cheeks, which is a nice change. No, I'm not at one with my emotions, blah blah blah. Who the hell needs to be, anyway? I'm functional. I manage. And I have a great sex life.
That's a big plus in my book.
I have a third appendage it seems. There's a hand on my belly and it's not mine. Slowly, I roll my head and see John sleeping soundly…in my bed…with me. Okay, that breaks the rules. There are no sleepovers, we agreed this is casual. It's supposed to be casual! Damn he looks so sweet when he's sleeping. I could get used to-
No, you could not! Because this is casual. It's sex, simple as that.
Not earlier, if you ask me.
Well no one's asking you, id girl!
She's right though. As much as I hate to think about it, there was something different this last time. Something…more. John did… Damn, what he did to me, how he made me feel.
He made me want to cuddle!
Bastard!
And his hand is still on me, touching me, keeping me warm and…
Shit! I have to get out of here. I need air. Lots and lots of air. So, I slowly move his hand away and slip out of bed. I look back to make sure he hasn't woken then I quickly grab my sweatpants and T-shirt. Screw the bra, I don't have time. And I hate going braless more than I hate to cry…okay maybe not more than that…but more than I hate kids.
I'm out the door and running barefoot down the corridor before I know it. I slam both hands into the wall next to the transporter and pound my fist against it. My heart's racing and I can barely catch my breath. I'm light-headed too. This is not good. I'm having a full-blown panic attack! I've had enough of them to know the signs.
Turning my back to the wall, I slide down and sit on the floor pulling my knees to my chest. My mind's a jumble of images: John's lips, his hands, his eyes. Damn those eyes! And his voice…gawd! Why did he have to say that? Of all things to call me…it's not fair! He's not being fair! I bury my face in my hands and slam the back of my head against the wall. Once, twice, three times is the charm. Dizzying stars burn in my brain.
This shouldn't be happening. I have no reason to be all…crazy right now. I just had an amazing sexual encounter. Beyond what we've done before, even though I didn't turn to Jell-O this time, that's not the point. It was…unreal.
Yeah. And that's the problem… he called you-
Shut up! Shut up! No one calls me that.
Daddy did.
When I pull my hands away, they're cool with tears. Whatthehell! I swipe at my cheeks. I'm fucking crying? This is not happening to me. No way in hell. Something's wrong with me. With both of us. It's the only explanation. That device did something to me and I did something to him. I've done something wrong to John! Whatever it is, I have to fix it. Now.
McKay!
"Jax?"
My eyes dart from looking at my wet palms to the half naked man with the most magnificent chest and arms standing in the light of my door at the other end of an otherwise dark corridor. Damn. Getting up quickly, I step on the transporter and vanish from him and his…cuddling.
~ 5.5 ~
John opens his eyes. He's confused at first then remembers where he is and reaches for her, but she's gone. Probably in the bathroom.
A slow smile curves his lips. That was something else. They were all eyes that time, staring at each other throughout. It felt like…they made a connection. Not just two bodies colliding, but actual people. For the first time since they started this thing, John really felt Angela in the room with him. Even if she prefers to be called Jax, he couldn't help the sigh that escaped in the end. It's just how he felt.
Still smiling, he scrubs his hands over his face and gets up. He leans into the bathroom. "Jax?" But she's not in there and his heart sinks, startling him. He really wants to see her, now more than ever. Wants to hold her in his arms as they fall asleep together. Which is really odd, considering their just…what are they really? I mean that was different; especially compared to earlier. But we're still not even…
Quickly pulling on his pants, John keys the door open, not knowing why until he steps into the corridor. He can see her in the dim light at the end of the hallway, sitting against the far wall, her hands covering her face. But what makes his heart flop into his stomach is the sound of her crying, very faint, but he catches it.
She pulls her hands away and stares at them as if she's never seen them before. Then she swipes harshly at her cheeks before staring at her hands again.
"Jax?"
She looks up at him, her face full of emotion, but he can't tell what it is. Even after all these weeks, he still doesn't know her well enough. She's on her feet in an instant and disappears into the transporter a second later.
Why is she always running from me?
He saw the section she selected on the transporter panel, though he can't understand why. That part of the city is where the labs are…
Wait a minute.
She mentioned something about McKay earlier. John rushes back into the bedroom and gets dressed then returns to the transporter.
He spots her sitting in the dark, hovering over a laptop. John folds his arms, just relishing the view. He really enjoys a good stare now and then, even if he can only see her profile, she looks ethereal in the blue light from the computer screen, reminding him of what he said earlier. It rushed out as a heavy whisper before he lightly kissed her…my angel. He doesn't even know where it came from. But it made her breath catch with a hushed whimper.
"You do that a lot," she whispers without turning.
"What?"
"Hover."
John strolls into the room and comes up behind her. "I don't hover."
She looks at him then. "How 'bout skulk?"
John nods his head to the side and makes a face. "That, I do." He leans in. "Why are you being all sneaky, breaking into McKay's lab?"
She turns her attention back to the laptop. "I didn't break, I just entered."
"Then why are you whispering?"
With a heavy sigh, she looks back at him. "Because it seems like the thing to do when you're trying to be sneaky. Now, hush. I'm reading."
"Doesn't he have a password on this thing?"
"Yep."
"So, how'd you break it?"
She gives him a cool stare. "I'm a genius." John can't tell if she's kidding or not until she gives a half smirk. "I saw him type it in one time. Not brain surgery."
"So, what's his password?"
"SG1hotblonde."
"Ahhhh. Got it." John looks over her shoulder. She's in the middle of a text that looks kind of like… "Is that porn? Don't tell me, Rodney's got porn on his-"
"John!" she hisses.
He raises his hands. "Sorry." He leans against the desk, facing her, his arms crossed, just staring again. After a moment, he tosses a glance at the screen then adds. "Looks like porn."
"Just because something has the word 'sex' in it doesn't make it porn. What are you twelve?"
He bobs his head. "Sometimes." He closes the gap between them and pulls her long dark curls aside to kiss her neck. She still smells of their last encounter, sweet and salty, making his mouth water. "Sometimes older."
With one hand she pushes him away. "I'm busy."
John's not deterred that easily. He moves behind her, both hands on her shoulders then dips his head to nuzzle her neck again. "Can't help it."
She spins on the stool to face him. "Yes, you can. It's called self-control, John…grab a dictionary sometime." She tries to spin back to the computer, but he grips the seat with both hands, leaning down, his face so close to hers. Their eyes lock and he sees a spark of what he did earlier…Angela. But then she sneers at him and that vulnerability vanishes. He kisses her anyway. Seems like the thing to do. She responds by bringing her hands to his face and taking his lips with hers eagerly. There's unmistakable hunger behind it, but also a gentleness she hasn't shown before, maybe even a little timidity.
John's about to wrap her up in his arms and carry her all the way back to her room, but the moment his hands are free of the stool, she breaks the kiss and spins away from him. "Oh…" he groans. "That's just plain mean."
She's entranced with the computer again. "Embrace the pain, dear boy. It makes you stronger," she says flatly.
He decides to let her finish whatever has her so enthralled, but refuses to stop touching her. He rubs her back and squeezes her shoulders. She's very tense and getting worse by the moment. "Son-of-a-bitch!" She slams the laptop closed and jumps off the stool, out of his reach and stomps around the room. "I'm gonna kill him, I swear to God!"
"Okay, when did we stop whispering? And kill who?"
She looks at him with a mixture of frustration and pity before trying to storm by him and get out the door. But John's too quick and he grabs her arm. Unfortunately, he should have learned his lesson weeks ago, but it somehow slipped his mind in those few seconds. Until she twists her arm around to grip his forearm, then in some 'how-the-hell-did-she-do-that' maneuver, his arm's behind his back, wrist twisted at a painful angle, and he's on his way to his knees.
But she releases him without a word and he catches himself before hitting the floor. John rolls his shoulder several times to make sure it's still attached. Then he goes after her. "Jax."
She stops halfway to the transporter, turns and holds up a hand. "Don't John."
"What's wrong?"
"Just stay away from me. It's for your own good."
His brows nearly collide with confusion. "Excuse me?"
With a heavy sigh, she drops her head and settles her hands on her hips. John takes a few steps closer, but she holds up her hand again. "I mean it. Stay back."
Even in the dim light he can see the lethal expression on her face combine with the coldness in her voice. He stops instantly. "What's going on here?"
"Nothing. We're done."
"But-"
"Like I said, it's for your own good."
John shakes his head. "I'd like to make that decision for myself…if you don't mind."
"Fine." She folds her arms. "The report I was reading had to do with the Ancient device that…"
"You mean the one that…?"
"Yeah. Seems there can be some…adverse reactions if the device is used improperly."
"Improperly?" The lethal expression changes to what he believes to be sadness, or would believe if he could read her better. "What kind of reactions?"
She clears her throat. "Nausea, fatigue, sleeplessness…oh and let's not forget about the life-sucking headaches." She must have read his reaction to headaches. "You too, I see."
"Yeah. Pretty bad after a couple of days."
She nods. "A couple of days without…us." John nods and rubs his neck. She sniffs. "Yeah, I figured. See the little doohickey wasn't created for…naked acquaintances or even friends with benefits. It's meant for married couples. It's meant for love."
"I don't understand."
She huffs, shaking her head as if talking to a child. "It enhances the bond between the partners that keeps the party going…a long time. Since the people are married and most likely in-love, that's not a problem. An emotional connection counteracts the chemical imbalance somehow, letting them get on with daily life so they're not in constant need of round-the-clock nakedness. Probably because their attuned to being together every night. Whatever. McKay didn't go into that part.
"But without that connection, the chemicals overload the system, creating a continuous physical need for the other person. Once that takes hold—like after say a second time, it gets nearly impossible to break. The brain starts releasing mega doses of the 'need sex now' drugs…so basically free-will is all bye-bye." She sighs again. "That's why we can't manage to keep our hands off each other."
John shrugs. "It's not so bad."
Jax is not amused. "I'm a drug to you, John. An addiction. It's the damn pheromones or something else even worse. Since it's just physical, there's nothing to counteract the chemicals getting released. The only time the physical bond can be interrupted is when a powerful emotional one is created…and that's a bit too complicated for us."
"Is there anything else that can break it?"
"Conception. And that's never gonna happen."
He shrugs, playing up a smirk. "Contraception isn't always 100 percent effective." He's being flip but this is getting too tense.
She takes a step closer, her eyes dark and cold. "Mine is."
He just wants to take her back to her room and make-love again.
Hey oh, hold on! Make what? Since when did their sexcapades turn into that? John's thrown by his own inner thoughts and shakes his head.
"You never asked, so I figured Ronon told you."
"Told me what?"
"I can't have children."
He's shocked by the intimate revelation. He should have asked. Why hadn't he? "I'm sorry."
She waves a hand. "By choice."
Oh. "After that…time, Ronon just said I didn't have anything to worry about. He didn't go into details." He takes another step closer. She's like a magnet drawing him in. He wants to feel her skin under his fingertips, smell her hair, kiss…oh crap, she's right! He is addicted to her. He steps forward, reaching out a hand wanting to do…say…something.
Jax takes two steps back and he stops. "We can't do this anymore. There are strings attached that neither of us want or need. It has to end."
"Why?"
Her eyes widen in shock. "Why?" She laughs without a hint of humor. "Because I can't do that to you."
Do what? Have amazing sex. So it's an addiction…big deal. They're adults. They can handle it. "Look. I get that there's this…bond. But we're great together. We like each other. It doesn't change-"
"You're thinking with the wrong brain, John." That makes him stand up straighter. "This thing between us will only get worse. I can't let that happen."
"Again…why?"
"Because you should be with the woman you love. Not some stand in."
Now he's holding up both hands. "Whoa. What?"
"John," she says and there's definite sadness in her voice. "I know you don't love me…which is fine because I can't…don't want you to. And it's quite clear you do love someone else."
John's taken aback by that. "What or who are you talking about?"
"Dr. Weir, you idiot. Everyone knows. You don't hide it very well."
Elizabeth? She thinks I'm in love with Elizabeth? Wait, everyone knows? John can feel his face scrunching up. That's ridicu…well, maybe not so much. Remember how you reacted when you thought Kolya had killed her? Or when you thought Atlantis had been destroyed by the Wraith… who were you most worried about never seeing again?
But in-love? He's never been…there. Would he even recognize it if it hit him between the eyes?
"I was all set to play bed buddies until she got around to noticing you…but even if that happens now, you won't be able to go to her. And I can't…no, I won't let that happen. You're too good for that." She drops her head with a shake. "Too good for me."
"Jax-"
"No. It's done. We have to end it now before you get hurt. I'm not good for you…for anybody."
Me? What about her. I heard her voice. She's not happy about these adverse reactions, that's clear, but having to break it off? He catches the look in her eyes when she lifts her face again. He can see a glimmer in them. Tears. He didn't asked her why she was in the corridor crying. Maybe he doesn't have to. Is she doing this because she's…no that a stupid thought John, she just said it's not possible. "So, what you're saying is we just stop-"
"Cold turkey." She nods firmly. "It'll be tough, I'm sure. The 'withdrawal' whatever you want to call it, will be like going through detox."
"That doesn't mean it'll stop us…wanting each other."
"No…but it's the only thing that comes to mind. We'll just have to stay far away from each other. It's a big city. I'm sure we can manage that." She turns her back to him and hangs her head before taking a deep breath. "Goodbye Johnny," she says quietly with a slight tremor in her voice.
His heart thumps hard. "Where are you going?"
"To find a big vat of chocolate to drowned in." And she walks away into the darkness.
John stands there, unable to move. His heart's thudding in his chest and his mind's whirling with the conversation. He knew it could end at any moment. Would end. They'd made that arrangement. Either of them could simply say stop and it would be over. He always figured it'd be Jax walking away because he did something stupid. In the past, his exes always left because he was too closed off. He couldn't say what they wanted to hear. But in this case, Jax assured him that wasn't going to be a problem.
He remembers the look on her face as they…connected earlier. He didn't catch it at the time, but for a moment, she had the same panic in her eyes that she had the first night before he kissed her. It lasted a lot longer tonight. She looked absolutely terrified for several seconds, but then it passed. And she smiled; a genuine smile that even hit her eyes. And he smiled too, feeling a wash of serenity flow through him. It had been an amazing union, as if their minds were as close as their bodies.
"You're too good for that…Too good for me."
John's chest hurts when he thinks about her saying those words. She sounded so lost. She's not ending it because he doesn't love her, or because he's possibly—probably—in love with Elizabeth. Jax's ending it because she can't love him.
Why does that bother me so much? It's exactly what I was looking for. Casual. Fun.
"I'm not good for you…for anybody."
"No," he says out loud. "I don't buy that for a second." Turning back to the lab, John goes in and opens the laptop. He's going to find a way to fix this. He has to.