~ 7 ~

Lt. Laura Cadman is smart, funny and can kick some serious ass when necessary. We've never sparred hand-to-hand because I'm only trained in self-defense, she's trained to kill…big difference. We met during the pheromone debacle and bonded over an urge to duct tape Dr. McKay to his chair. I've noticed he's replaced it with a stool since then, probably just in case.

We then managed to get all giddy and wet during a water balloon fight that ended…well, with us in rather compromising positions: me with John, of course, and Laura with Ronon. I even got her to call him Tarzan. Now that was funny. Nothing happened between them, they were found before that, which is probably for the best considering how screwed-up John and I are now.

Afterward, the woman was unthrilled. She wasn't mad at me, thankfully, more at herself for getting carried away by the lust-o-rama device. Another person not so thrilled was Dr. Carson Beckett. He has a major crush on Laura, but it's all good because she has a major crush on him. It's really quite sweet when I see them together. Their eyes twinkle, literally twinkle at each other and they blush. So cute.

Makes me wanna gag sometimes.

Anyway, she threw her shoulder out and pinched some nerves in her neck when her squad got ambushed off-world. Something about the Genii having spies on every planet. Now I never personally met the Genii, but I know what they tried to do and how pissed off and lethal Col. Sheppard got during the storm. I got to help clean up the bodies.

Yeah, that was a fun-filled day.

Well, because of the injury, Dr. Beckett sent her to me for therapy. I like Laura, I really do. But she's one of the biggest pains in my ass. She's so friendly and open about everything when I give her a massage it makes me wonder if the woman ever shuts up.

I generally like to work silently with a little background music like Enya or something else soothing and some incense to get the client relaxed. But Laura's a bundle of energy and never seems to relax enough for me to get through a session without wanting to strangle her. In a friendly way.

"He did the sweetest thing. It was like a real date. I mean a real one with flowers and dancing…all the trimmings. He set up this table on one of the balconies and there was Athosian wine and napkins. I nearly fainted."

"Please don't tell me he was wearing a tux."

She giggles. "No. But he was in nice civvies." She tries to lift her head from the hole in the table so she can grin at me, but I gently urge her back down. "I even wore a dress. Can you imagine…me…in a dress with heels? I had to borrow it all, of course."

"Of course. Let me guess. Maddog?"

Laura laughs heartily. "Right. She'd have to be drugged to get into one."

"But not out of one, if the rumors are correct."

"You know, she starts most of those rumors herself. She likes being…a bad girl." Laura tries to turn again, and again I gently settle her into place. "So the dinner was gorgeous. I mean, almost too pretty to eat. But I'm not one to pass up a good meal, especially one that doesn't include MRE's."

"Of course."

And so it went, on and on and…gawd she can be worse than McKay. Okay, I'm being too hard on her. I enjoy the conversations really. It's nice to hear about other people being happy. And when Laura talks about Carson, she's obviously happy.

Jealous, jealous, jealous!

No, I'm not. I swear. Shut up, Jax.

Once the massage is done, Laura sits up and stares right at me. "Do you know what? When we were dancing, I looked into his eyes and I swear…I was this close," she holds up her finger and thumb with nothing between them. "To using the 'L' word."

Playing dumb, I say, "Lesbian?"

She slaps my shoulder, laughing again. "No the other one."

"Ah. But you didn't."

She shakes her head, slips off the table and goes behind the Oriental Red Feng Shui Screen to change. Somehow Dr. Weir managed to get the beautiful screen aboard the Daedalus the same time as the tables. She never said, but I think it came from her own home and not from some order form. Laura's still gabbing as she changes. "Naw. Too soon. Besides, I've never said it before. How am I sure it's real?"

This has me intrigued. "Well, what does it feel like?"

"I don't know. It's hard to describe. I mean, we haven't done…much of anything. He's quite the old-fashioned man, you know. He gives me hugs and his arms are so warm and—not that I'm afraid of not being able to take care of myself—he makes me feel safe."

I busy myself with cleaning up, though I'm still listening. I have a session with Dr. H. in fifteen. When she said Carson makes her feel safe, I got a pang in my chest: a sharp icicle driving right through my heart.

Jealous, jealous, jealous.

"When he kisses me, my feet, hell my whole body seems to vanish, leaving only my lips. But it's when he looks into my eyes. I get…" she trails off and I wait, but she just groans as if the words aren't coming to her.

"Butterflies," I add softly, not really knowing why that comes out or where my mind is.

She pops out from behind the barrier, tucking in her shirt. "Exactly." She grins. "And it's like I can see into his mind. And all I see…is me."

A little shiver runs down my spine and I take a deep breath to get rid of it.

"You've been there," Laura says softly, coming up in front of me.

All I can do is shake my head. "Thought I was once." Not so sure anymore? "I don't know if he was."

"He never told you?"

"He died."

Her hand lands on my shoulder but I don't flinch because her eyes are so full of friendship and compassion for me. It's been a really long time since I've had a close girl friend. I miss it more than I like to admit. "And you never told him?"

I can feel hot tears forming but I blink them away and shrug, busying myself with clean up again. "I didn't even get to say goodbye. I never do."

Suddenly, both of Laura's arms are around me and she's got me in a tight hug. I'm extremely thrown by the gesture and don't know what to do. There I am, standing like a mannequin with my hands full of towels at my sides and this woman is giving me a big squeeze.

It's very unnerving.

Then she lets go, dropping that hand on my shoulder again. "We need to get you laid."

Ommigod! I burst into laughter like no bodies business. I'm actually tempted to tell her that it's the last thing I need, considering the non-stop bang-age that only ended four days ago, but my automated defenses stop the words before they're formed. I just keep laughing, hard, tears cloud my vision. Laura joins me, which makes it harder for me to stop.

There's a throat cleared at the door making both of us jump and cutting the chuckles in an instant. "Colonel," Laura salutes, becoming Lt. Cadman.

"Lieutenant." Col. Sheppard says, but his eyes are on me.

Damn, has he always looked that hot in uniform?

Not now, Jax.

I look down at the towels in my hands and start cleaning up again. Laura's bouncing on her heels; I can feel her gaze shifting between me and the Colonel. And there's a definite tension in the air. I just hope she doesn't pick up on it.

"Going off-world or just returning?" She asks because he's standing there in full-gear minus his P-90.

"Going."

"Have fun." He nods, flashing a polite smile. "Well," she sighs. "I'll just be going."

I watch them through my lowered eyes, trying to ascertain if she's perceptive enough to see anything she shouldn't.

"How's the shoulder?" he asks, finally looking at her.

"Getting better by the minute." She looks back and winks at me, then does the strangest thing with her eyebrows, like she's motioning to the Colonel with them. My eyes open wide as my jaw drops and I shake my head as imperceptibly as possible. Laura's eyes narrow on me and she flashes an impatient sneer then waggles her eyes back at the Colonel. With a glower, she huffs and then grins at me. "You should think about that…thing I said, Jax. Could do you a world of good."

"Bye Laura."

She nods to the Colonel. "She's got magic hands," she whispers then slips out the door, letting it close behind her.

"Yes, she does," Col. Sheppard says to the closing door before turning his attention back to me.

I shut my eyes, trying to put those last words out of my mind. I just found her as a friend. Do I really have to kill her so soon? I almost missed his response, it was so quiet. It makes my heartbeat jump a little.

"Something I can do for you, Colonel?"

He crosses his arms over the vest and tilts his head back, forehead creasing. "That's a loaded question."

I toss the towels into a bin before turning to look him in the eyes. We're on opposite sides of the room and yet it feels like he's standing right next to me. Very disconcerting. "No, it's not actually." There, that wasn't so bad. Jax can handle Col. Sheppard easily enough. No matter how hot he looks in uniform.

What is it about men who carry big weapons? Now that's a loaded question!

"I wanted to see how you're feeling," he says firmly.

"Don't worry about me. I'm not your problem."

He stomps over a few feet, his eyes steely. "I never said you were."

I cross my arms and tilt my head. "Are we really going to do this? Because I have a meeting."

"Angie-" I hold up a hand and he clenches his teeth. "Jax. I'm just asking."

"I'm good. You?"

"Bit of a headache."

I roll my shoulders and start towards the door. "Sorry to hear that."

"Are you?"

That stops me cold and I turn on my toes to stare him down. "Colonel-"

He strides over and stands in front of me. "John," he pretty much orders. His eyes are harsh, angry, full of that darkness he lives through every day.

This isn't John.

"Colonel," I say again with as much coolness as I can muster even though my heart's screaming like a banshee to run, run away, get out now. "Have a nice trip."

"Is that it?"

I raise my brow. Obviously the addiction is messing with him. I feel awful for any pain he's in. Somehow I've managed to push mine aside for the moment. Could be the massive amounts of chocolate I've been downing for the past few days. Then again, maybe all I needed was to exchange one endorphin rush for another. My routine is going really well and I'm very excited about it. I take a deep breath and let it out, channeling a little bit of Jack. "Don't get dead."

He raises a single brow. "Nice." He could give me pointers on being cold, that's impressive.

I'm not the most stable person in any room at any given time, but I'm usually the most contained. At least that's what I keep telling myself, over and over and…oh hell. This man, in all his military garb does things to me…Jax and Angela. I don't get it. I don't think I want to get it. It's just there. It's more than how regular guy John Sheppard gets to me. It doesn't make sense, I know…and again, I'm stuck with the whole 'I'm a lunatic' theory. He exhausts me and my defenses.

Shaking my head, I throw my arms out to the side, exasperated. I can even feel a lump growing in my throat. "What do you want from me?" I ask plaintively, like some whiny child. He stands up straighter—if that's possible—and his face softens. The darkness in his eyes seems to lighten just a touch. He seems stumped, totally caught off guard and with nothing to say. I nod in understanding. "That's what I thought." And I turn to leave.

He grabs me by the upper arms and pulls me against him. His lips are on mine before I can utter a word. But it's not a hard or bruising kiss. It's tender, gentle. Then his arms slowly come around me, engulfing me in a tight, warm embrace. I don't know how long we're standing there. How long the kiss lasts. I don't even realize that my arms have slipped around his neck until I hear Jax screaming in my head.

Run now!

I push away from him, breaking all contact and nearly fall over because my legs refuse to hold my weight for a moment. I can feel a scream of panic stuck in my throat. I'm trembling and don't know how to stop. I gulp what sounds to me like a sob. That was almost…

Don't say it!

How could he do this to me? He's not being fair!

I glare at him with every ounce of rage I can summon then swipe the back of my hand over my mouth. He looks a little lost, hurt even, but I refuse to let it get to me. "Col. Sheppard," I spit his name. "Don't ever do that again." Then I'm out the door before he can respond.

I let the door close before leaning against the wall for support. I know he's going to be out in a second so I gather my strength and rush to Dr. H. office as fast as my wobbling legs will take me.

~ 7.5 ~

"That bastard!" Angela rushes in out of breath.

Kate's out of her seat. "What happened?" She's trembling as she stomps by the doctor and starts pacing around the office. Her eyes are wild with fury and unshed tears, her face pale and sweaty.

"Son-of-a-bitch!" she kicks a wall only to hop back in pain. "Ahh! See what he does to me? I can't win. I tell him it's over so that he can get on with his life…but then he goes and sends that man after me!"

"What man? What are you talking about?"

Angela hobbles over to the chair and drops into it heavily, slipping off her shoe to check the damage. Her pinky toe is at an odd angle and she gives it a good yank, there's an audible pop as she puts it in the rightful place. "The Colonel just kissed me," she hisses, seething with anger and leftover pain from the dislocated toe.

"Col. Caldwell?"

"Ewwww! NO." Her upper lip curls. "Sheppard." And she glowers. "Bastard."

Kate holds up a hand. "Okay. Walk me through it, Angie."

She shoots out of the chair, still favoring the injured foot. "Why do you insist on calling me that? My name is Jax. J-A-X. Why can't you get that?"

"Because it's not really you."

"The hell it isn't. You've known me for what, two months? I've known me for thir…for a lot longer than I care to remember, actually. If I tell you my name, trust me. I know what I'm talking about."

She doesn't like it, but Kate knows she won't get anywhere if she doesn't concede this much ground. "Fine. Jax. Col. Sheppard just kissed you. And it obviously upset you a great deal."

"Boy howdy!"

"Why is that? Weren't you and John-"

She holds up her hands. "Okay, let me lay it out for you, doc. I'm nuts…don't argue the point okay. Where you see one guy, I've met two. Got it? One is a sweet, kind of dorky, math geek who just happens to have extreme talent in specific departments of pleasure. The other one is some soldier hero who likes to do dangerous stuff and save people's lives. Two totally different guys…in my crazy opinion. Are we on the same page now?"

"Of course," Kate says calmly. It's clear Angela is starting to lose some of that superior 'Jax' security if she finds it necessary for the sudden name change. She's not as coolly collected as usual. "Jax, why don't you sit so we can talk?"

"No," she shakes her hands furiously, clenches and releases her fists. "I need to move. Is it getting hot in here?"

"I believe you're having a panic attack."

"No, really?" she drawls sarcastically. "Thanks for the insight, Doc. You've definitely earned your paycheck today."

Lashing out, sarcasm, panic attack. Whatever happened between the Colonel and her just a few minutes ago has opened a flood gate of emotions Angela's not ready to handle. She grabs handfuls of hair and pulls hard. "Ahhh! I was doing so well!" Kate's by her side, trying to keep her from hurting herself. "Is he trying to make me crazier? I mean, that's what guys do, right? They like to drive us right off the crazy cliff and laugh all the way home. It's like a game to them or something."

Angela pulls her hands from her hair and allows Kate to guide her to the seat. "How do you mean?"

"He kissed me." It's more of a sad sob than anything else. This time Angela sinks into the chair and drops her face into her hands. When she looks up, there are tears in her eyes. "Why would he do that? He knows it's an addiction. Doesn't he realize it's hard for me too?" She swipes at the tears. "See this?" She shows her wet hand to Kate. "This is his way of getting to me. He's trying to make me weak. Like…like…any other woman."

"Crying doesn't make you weak, Jax."

The barely-there discipline is in her eyes, cold and hard…but there's also something else starting to break through. "Yes it does."

"Why was it so wrong of him to kiss you…as Col. Sheppard?"

"Because!"

"You can do better than that."

She opens her mouth to say something then stops, snapping her head to the side to avoid looking at Kate. "I don't know."

"When did you break it off?"

"Monday night."

"Why?"

"Because it's wrong."

"Why is it suddenly wrong?" Angela huffs then explains about the report, the addiction that can't be broken and how she made the decision to quit now before John got hurt. "So you did it for him?"

"Of course."

"Did he agree?"

"He can't…he's under the influence of a drug. But he's in love with Dr. Weir. How can he not know he's in-love with her? Is that even possible? Being in-love with someone and not knowing it? This chemical thing is screwing with his brain big time. You're a shrink. You know what addictions do to people."

Kate nods. "I do." She's seen her share of addicts. Never anything remotely like this, but if the report exists, she'll get her hands on a copy and read it for herself. Just to be sure Angela got the information correct. "So, breaking up with him…"

Angela shakes her head. "Was the only way." Then she's out of the chair again, her anger resurfacing. "And damnit we agreed! Either one of us could step back at any moment, no questions asked." She stops, looks up at the ceiling then smacks herself lightly on the forehead. "That's it."

"What's it?"

"He wanted to be the one to walk away. He can't handle me saying no. It's an ego thing, right?"

"I thought you said it was an addiction."

She nods. "Well that too. But the only reason for him to send in the Colonel was to…what seduce me into staying? I mean really. That's totally uncalled for."

"Why would the 'Colonel' have an effect that regular John wouldn't?"

She flips a hand. "He…complicates things."

"How so?"

She licks her lips nervously and Kate can see her hands shaking as she crosses her arms protectively around her body. "He just does."

"How?"

She stomps on her injure foot, purposely shooting pain through her body. "Because he reminds me of Jack, all right?"

Kate holds in a smile. Finally something honest. She figured this out a while ago, but was waiting for Angela to make the connection herself. The fact that she's been having an affair with John Sheppard, while avoiding Col. Sheppard was pretty telling in its own right.

If the Colonel reminds her of Jack, who is a secondary father figure, then Angela has basically found a guy just like dad. That's how it happens a lot of the time, especially when girls are close to their fathers. And Col. Sheppard's basically a blue-collar guy in the military, though recently promoted, he's the city protector. He saves lives while doing a dangerous job. Just like her father did. Col. Sheppard's a hero. Just like she sees Jack. Like she saw her father.

It must be terrifying for her to not be able to separate her feelings from one aspect of the man to the other. The 'regular' guy that is John Sheppard could be easily abandoned if things got too much for Angela to handle. But the hero, Col. Sheppard would not be easily forgotten. He's too important to her—a link to her father, both her fathers—even if she refuses to admit it to herself.

At least she's done that part now. Kate wants to draw more out of her. Get her to face her fears of intimacy. "What exactly did Col. Sheppard do?"

"Aside from a little chit-chat he kissed me."

"Forcefully?"

Her eyes shift. "Not really."

"Did you kiss him back?"

Angela drops her gaze to her fingers pulling at the hem of her shirt. "Maybe…a little."

Kate leans her elbows on her knees. "So who are you really mad at? John or yourself?"

"Me…him…I don't know. Yes, I do. Him. I'm mad at him."

"Why?"

"Why?" she echoes her tone incredulous. "Because he did it on purpose. Like he knew I wouldn't be able to resist him in all that military macho manly man getup. And there wasn't any playfulness in his eyes, you know. And the kiss was…it was…different." She sticks a finger in her mouth and chews on her nail.

"How do you mean?"

"I don't know."

"Sure you do."

"Damnit!"

"An…Jax. Calm down."

"I can't. I'm all," she groans. "Agitated."

"I can see that. Try. Close your eyes." She stands there in the middle of the room and does as Kate says. "Now, breathe deep, in." She takes a deep breath. "And out," and lets it out. She does it three more times as Kate prompts her. "Now…Angela, what were you feeling when Col. Sheppard kissed you."

An ever so soft sob escapes as she gasps, "Safe." And silent tears slip down her cheeks.