~ 10 ~

Time seemed to stand still for me, until I looked up and saw the puddle jumper landing. I knew they were coming, just not so soon.

Dr. Beckett and a few agricultural scientists along with Major Lorne's team arrived for their scheduled meeting for trade and medical check-ups. And now it's time to return to Atlantis. Even for me. I'm sure I could ask Hani for more time and she'd welcome me with open arms, but I do have responsibilities back at the city. I pushed off my massage patients onto the two nurses I trained, so I imagine they're ready for a break.

Before I leave, Hani and Mika request a skate show. As I look around the audience, it seems they've invited the whole tribe. I haven't been this nervous in a long time. But once the music starts, I'm no longer cognizant of outside forces. Only the music matters to me.

So I skate and they clap. Mika, Kai and Sison cry as I say goodbye. They hug me three on one then individually. It's nice and makes me chuckle. I left my bottle of purple shimmer nail polish with Mika and have promised to send more as soon as I can convince Dr. Weir. I'm sure she'll understand. But if she doesn't, poor Jack will have to go to the beauty supply store and send me a care package. I always keep my promises…something my dad taught me.

I almost forgot. "Major," I call to Lorne and he turns back to me before stepping into the jumper. "They don't know what a snowman is."

Major Lorne looks at his watch and sighs. But it's Dr. Beckett who rubs his hands together and grins, exposing deep dimples. "Then I suggest we show them, eh lassy?"

We're all freezing when we hit the jumper bay, but there's a train of laughter from the whole group as we trudge out of the jumper. Major Lorne orders his team to shower and change into dry clothes before unloading the supplies and they quickly disperse as do the other scientists. Dr. Beckett, Major Lorne and I are still chuckling as we go down the stairs into the Control Room. Dr. Beckett kisses my cheek before reminding me I have to be tested and cleared within the hour. I nod my thanks and he takes off, waving and grinning.

Dr. Weir is standing at her office door with her arms crossed. I can't tell if she's pissed or not, she wears such a poker face. Major Lorne stops laughing abruptly as do I as soon as we see her. She motions for us to come into her office. It's after she returns to sit behind her desk that the smile appears. "What's the story with your clothes?"

Major Lorne grins at me, his face still rosy from the cold. "Well, Dr. Weir. Something funny happened on the way to the puddle jumper."

I giggle and her smile widens. "Really? Do tell."

That's when I step forward. "I'm sorry, Dr. Weir. It's my fault. I…mentioned the Gullins had never seen a snowman before. So…"

"Major? Snowman?"

"Yes ma'am."

I glance at him then look back at Dr. Weir. "But…I did happen to introduce some of the kids to a different winter activity."

She leans back in her chair, clasping her hands. "Let me guess. Snowball fight."

I tilt my head and nod. "They kinda…attacked." Then I'm laughing again even as I tell the story. I can't help it. Seeing Major Lorne and is team pelted with ice had to be the funniest thing ever. At first they didn't know how to react. A couple of them raced to hide in the jumper. It wasn't until Major Lorne let out a Marine howl that they returned.

"Retaliate!" he ordered. And they did. Since Dr. Beckett, the other scientists and I were also from Atlantis, we were drafted to serve the honor of the military.

I can still see the joy on the kids' faces, and hear the laughter from the rest of the tribe as they all joined in…I can't remember having so much fun. Dr. Beckett and I didn't last long. We were on the ground covered in snow. Mika and Kai were relentless in their attack of me. As were Lin and Shali. Sison went after Major Lorne with a vengeance. I'm pretty sure the fourteen year-old has a massive crush on the manly man.

So, not hating kids so much?

I can make exceptions. But no babies!

"Please tell me you won," Dr. Weir chuckles after I finish the tale.

Major Lorne's embarrassment is only trumped by how much fun he had. "We got our asses kicked ma'am."

"Jax," Ronon says from the door and in an instant he has me turned around and off the floor, his tree-trunk arms holding me in a tight hug.

"Honey, I'm home." I kiss his cheek.

Col. Sheppard is right behind him, casually slinking into the office. I catch his eyes briefly but look away. Ronon lets me down, but keeps a hand protectively on my shoulder. "You're shivering."

I blow into my hands. "Well, yes, Mr. Obvious. I'm cold."

"How'd the skating go?" Dr. Weir asks.

"It-" I start, but Major Lorne interrupts.

"Amazing. They loved her." He turns to me. "You were fantastic. Really."

I'm thrown by his enthusiasm and compliments. "Thanks."

"I mean it. You're really talented."

Okay, now I'm blushing. I can't help it. It's probably from the cold. Or from Ronon's big goofy grin. Okay, maybe it's a bit of modesty. I really don't know. Damn, I'm cold. I do believe my teeth are chattering.

"Yes," Col. Sheppard's husky voice joins in. Has he always sounded that sexy? "If you're lucky, she might wow you with some more personal skills." There's edginess to his tone that instantly cuts the festivities. I slide my eyes over to him and see he's watching me with a predatory gleam. I'm not the only one who senses his hostility.

Major Lorne clears his throat. "Ma'am?"

Dr. Weir nods, her eyes cutting to the Colonel. "Thank you again, Major."

Major Lorne catches my gaze as he heads out. He nods to me, flashing a friendly smile. He doesn't look at the Colonel.

"I need to change," I say, moving past Ronon and heading for the door. "Um. Dr. Weir." I look back, avoiding Sheppard's eyes.

"Yes, Jax."

"Could you see about supplying nail polish for the women of I-zoola? Could be a decent trade product. Or a friendly gift."

She smiles softly and nods. "I'll look into it. Thank you. And it's good to have you back. The time away seems to have agreed with you."

I give her a small half smile, my eyes automatically catching Sheppard still watching me. Then I quickly turn and walk out. I can feel Ronon following me, but I don't look at him. "He hates me. Doesn't he."

Ronon's giant paw lands on my shoulder and he squeezes. We walk toward the corridor. "No."

I love Ronon, but sometimes…dense is a really good descriptive word for the lug. The moment I saw Sheppard, I knew my time away had done something to him. Worse than being near him all the time. I won't pretend to understand it. All I know is that I've been pushing my pain aside, ignoring it to the point it doesn't seem to exist, but he obviously has not been able to. He does hate me, he has to. I've caused him so much hurt.

I don't know what I was thinking staying away so long. I should have realized his symptoms would only increase.

Seeing him again is really hard. I just wanted to grab him and do all sorts of nasty things, right on Dr. Weir's desk, in front of them all.

No, my distance theory just crashed and burned. I'm going to have to tell Dr. Beckett the whole sordid story. Maybe he can figure something out.

~ 10.5 ~

Two days after her return, John finds Jax in the gym, kicking and punching the crap out of the heavy bag. She's alone, which hasn't been the case recently. Ronon's been a never ending shadow, following her around like some guard dog. If John even tried to go near her, Ronon managed to steer him clear.

It's his own fault. He'd been downright rude when she returned. Elizabeth had been decidedly sharp with him about it.

"Colonel?" John turned away from the office door. He was drawn to follow Jax, but Elizabeth's tone made him stay. He looked at her, seeing the narrowed eyes, tight lips. "What was that?"

"What?"

Her brows rose. "That comment."

Unbridled irrational jealousy…desire turned to madness…take your pick, Liz.

"It wasn't very professional or nice. If I didn't know better, I'd think you were deliberately trying to embarrass Jax's. Hurt her feelings even."

John shrugged. "Maybe you don't know me all that well."

She leaned in, arms on the table. "What's that supposed to mean."

"Nothing."

After a moment of watching him, she stood up, tapping a pen against one hand, walked around the desk and came to stand in front of him with arms folded. She leaned a hip against the desk. "I know why she went away. For the longest time, I figured it was because something had happened with Ronon." Her eyes narrowed on him again. "But it's you. She's avoiding you."

John pulled his eyes from hers. He couldn't fight the pumping of his blood, the anger that filled him as he'd entered the office, seeing Jax flirting with Lorne.

Was she flirting? Maybe he over-reacted. John takes a deep breath and slowly lets it out. "I'm sorry, Elizabeth."

"For what you said? Or for getting involved with Jax?"

"Both."

"Well," she tilted her head, watching him carefully. "I'm not the one you need to apologize to. Am I."

John didn't know what to say. Her expressions are just as guarded as Jax's. She never lets her emotions out, especially not in public. But when she made the leap that he was the reason Jax left, she seemed…saddened by it.

Didn't she?

"It's because of the Ancient device," he explained quickly, giving her the highlights, leaving out the more seedy details.

She nodded once. "I see."

"But I'm not…"

She held up a hand, stopping him. "It's not important, John. You're allowed a personal life."

He took a step closer to her and their eyes met. "I think it is…very important…for you to know."

Dropping her eyes from his, she stepped sideways and returned around her desk to sit. "You need to apologize to Jax."

John shook his head. "Jax doesn't care-"

Then her eyes nailed his, holding firm. He could see anger brewing. "Yes. She does. Too much, at times, for her own good."

John had no idea what to make of that last statement. Elizabeth literally dismissed him after that. The anger he witnessed in her eyes hadn't abated, but he wasn't completely sure it was aimed at him. She seemed upset, but more with herself. John knows Elizabeth well enough not to miss when the hold on her emotions manages to slip. There's something more she didn't say.

So, here he is two days later, but no closer to finding the words he needs to fix things. John covers the door crystal with his hand and orders it to lock. He doesn't want to be interrupted, or physically assaulted by Ronon.

She knows he's in the room, her eyes flitted to him the moment he entered, but she's not giving him an ounce of interest. Her attention is on the music and the precision of each blow. Turning away from the bag, she quickly spins, slamming the heel of her right foot into it, making the thing rock with the force of the kick. The next kick reminds him of a Rockette, high enough to smack him in the face. Then she twists sideways and slams her flat foot at the bag with enough power to make the chain squeak in protest. After a few punches and elbow slams, she does the same kicks with the left leg, though not as powerful, they could still do damage.

The music ends and she tugs at her gloves, pulling the wraps off with her teeth. John's in front of her, offering his help, but all she has for him is a fierce glare. She shakes off the gloves, unwraps the bandage around her knuckles and he can see spots of blood even before the gauze is fully off. She's been working a while.

"Jax." She breathes deep, her chest rising in the effort. Her mouth is set in a thin line. John leans against the locked door. "I'm sorry…for what I said."

"Doesn't matter."

He drops his head with a nod. "I think it does."

She shoves the boxing gloves into her bag and slings it over her shoulder. "No, Colonel, it really doesn't." She steps toward the door, runs her hand over the crystal, but nothing happens. "Unlock it."

"We need to talk."

Her shoulders droop. "About what?"

"Us."

Her eyes close and she sighs. "There is no 'us' Colonel. There never was."

"Why do you do that? Call me John."

Her eyes snap open, locking onto his in an instant. "No."

"Why not?"

"Because," she motions to his clothes. "That's not who's here right now."

"I don't understand."

"Color me surprised. Please unlock the door." John crosses his arms. She drops her bag at her feet. "Why are you making this so difficult? We had an agreement…if one wants out, then it's over."

"That's the problem."

"What is?"

"Neither of us really wants out." By the look on her face, he knows he's hit a nerve.

She spins and stomps over to the bench by the window. She sits heavily, resting her elbows on her knees. "That's the addiction. It's not real."

John kneels in front of her and this time she doesn't try to move away. He picks up her hands, looking over the broken skin. "Do they hurt?"

"I've had worse." She slips her hands free of his grasp. He gets up and sits close to her on the bench, breathing in her scent. His eyes devour every inch of her, as if he's never seen her before. "It's called a soul-bond, Jax. A lifetime thing. There's nothing we can do about it."

She refuses to meet his gaze. "I'm sure Dr. Beckett-"

His hand brushes her hair away from her neck and she shivers from his touch. "He's already looked into it. This whole time you've been away…"

Now she does catch his gaze, her eyes wide with…fear? "There's nothing he can do?"

John shakes his head. His hand's grazing down her back. She looks away but he gently turns her to face him again. "We're stuck with each other." He caresses her cheek, something he's been dying to do for the past three weeks. Her skin's as soft as he remembers. "Is that so bad?" She closes her eyes, leaning into his touch. Her lips tremble and an almost inaudible whimper of longing escapes. John knows in that moment Carson is right about her withdrawals being worse than his. He can feel the frustration, anger, helplessness flowing from her.

She brushes his hand aside and gets up, going to the door. Her willpower is amazing. She tries to open it again, but it's futile and she knows it. Only John can enter the correct command. "Please, let me go."

He's in front of her, close enough to feel her breath on his face. Her eyes latch onto his lips then she looks down and away. He inches closer, his mouth so near hers, he can almost taste her. "I can't…don't you get that?"

"John…" she sighs, shaking her head.

At the sound of his name instead of the calculated Colonel, he's lost and kissing her. He's gentle, tender, keeping a tight reign on his desire even though he wants to ravish her here and now. They've been apart too damn long. He can't imagine how he got through the separation. He needs to be with her, a part of her.

And she's melting into him, letting him wrap her up in his arms, her hands roaming up his back, pulling him closer, igniting him to take it further. He deepens the kiss and she accepts with another slight whimper.

Just like Carson said, it's a rush when they're close. He can't stop his heart from over exerting itself, can't contain his arousal and he doesn't want to. His only thought is to be with Jax.

He's trailing kisses down her neck when she gasps a sob, something he'd never thought he'd hear from her. "No," she says, her voice trembling. She pushes him away, though not with much strength. John pulls back and looks at her. Tears hover in her eyes and his heart thuds to a stop. "This…hurts," she whispers.

The pain in her voice is palpable and it stabs him in the chest. He lifts her chin, staring into her wet eyes. He sees it clearly now: pain…heartache. And knowing how hard Jax keeps everything under wraps, never lets any raw emotion show, so much so that only the late night murmurs in nightmares have any true value…this must be torture for her.

I'm torturing her.

She drops her gaze and the tears slide down her cheeks. "Please, Johnny," she gasps, obviously fighting the urge to sob right in front of him.

John sighs heavily. He releases her and waves his hand over the crystals and the door opens. Jax turns from him, but he grabs hold of her hand, linking fingers. "I don't think I can stay away?"

Her gaze locks onto his; eyes now dry. Jax is back in command. "Then I'll leave again," she says firmly. "And I won't come back." She pulls her fingers from his and rushes down the corridor, frantically wiping the tell-tale tears away.

John stares after her. His mind and body screaming for action. But his heart's thumping painfully in his chest. The thought of her leaving again…of never seeing her…never touching her. He shuts his eyes tight. I don't think I'd survive that.

He wants to be with her always, addiction or not.

He stands there, staring at the now empty corridor, desperately wishing she'd just appear in front of him and wrap her arms around him.

Like Elizabeth did?

He'd been overwhelmed when she did that and at first didn't know how to react. But once he wrapped his arms around her as well, he hadn't wanted to let go. When Elizabeth pulled back, he couldn't take his eyes from her. From her lips…he'd wanted to kiss her right then. Take her somewhere quiet and hold her some more. He'd come so close to dying…then so close to living with out her. He couldn't think about that then…or now. Doesn't want to think about it.

And it's the same with Jax.

John sighs. Crap. They can send me to a new freakin' galaxy where I wake up these dreaded life-sucking vampires, have to mercy shoot my own commander, relentlessly put my life on the line to save this city and all the people in it without blinking and yet, I can't manage to choose between two women?

That's so…me.