~ 12 ~

"Angela…"

I spin around in the white mist. "Mom?"

I don't recognize this place. Not that there's much to look at, just some fog…like a giant white room, only no walls. And there's a breeze. Maybe it's that misty planet Dr. McKay talked about that one time. Oooh, I always did wonder what that place would be like. Talk about being able to create your own life. That would be a trip. Too bad it would be a short-lived trip, though. The scenarios I could think up…

"Angela…" her voice is so soft, dreamy even. It reminds me of when she used to wake me for school, subtly with a gentle shoulder rub. Mom always had the gentlest touch and a voice to go with it. No wonder Daddy fell in-love with her so easily. He once told me it was love at first sight. He must have been swept away by her beauty, grace and voice.

"I'm here."

And then I see her. She's wearing a fancy bright red dress and red high heels. Her long spiraled black curls rest atop her head, little tendrils gracing her neck and face. We share the same hair, naturally curly locks. Hers always looked so elegant, whereas mine…well frizz doesn't even come close these days.

She looks so beautiful against the white backdrop. Where are we anyway? It's a dream, obviously. But not one I've ever had before. I feel warm, calm. Mom's here, smiling at me the way she always did.

Where'd Jax go? The Colonel with his P-90? What if they see her? My heart's racing as I whirl around looking for them. I can't have them see her. They'll hurt her…take her away from me. Leave me-

"Don't worry, baby," she says softly. Suddenly she's in front of me, her warm hand on my cheek. Her fingers are as silky and delicate as I remember. "Mommy's here."

I throw my arms around her, clinging to her like a silly child. But I don't feel silly. I feel relieved and happy. And I'm crying because of that. "I've missed you so much."

Her hand's caressing the back of my hair and more tears fill my eyes: burning but so refreshing when they slide down my face. "I know," she says, hugging me close.

"Where's Daddy?"

"He can't be here, baby."

"Why not?"

"He doesn't want you to see him…sad."

I pull back, my eyes locking onto her hazel ones. I'd forgotten we didn't share our eyes. I got Daddy's in the mix…dark, Italian brown. Dramatic eyes, Mom always said. She warned me they could be considered bedroom eyes and I'd have to be careful how I used them on men. That always made me laugh. "Why is he sad?"

…It's that bloody Ancient device. That sounds like…Dr. Beckett?

Mom's hand rounds my face and cups my chin. "Because of you."

"Me?"

…So you say.

She nods, her smile faltering. "You're not the daughter he'd hoped for, baby."

My heart nearly stops beating. "What?" There's so much pain. I feel like I'm going to split in half. It's like a full body blow right inside my chest. I'm shaking again. Trembling. "What?" I repeat, but it's just a whisper.

Mom pulls back from me, keeping me at arms length. Then she points over my shoulder. "She is."

…I do say, because she said so.

I turn my head slowly. I don't want to see, but I have to. I have to know. And there she is, standing with her arms folded, dressed in all black. Dressed like death.

Jax.

…I don't agree.

She's me. An exact duplicate, only…she's not me. She's hard and cold. She feels nothing but anger. Daddy couldn't want her. Could he?

…Just my opinion.

I shake my head wildly as I turn back to Mom. But she's gone, vanished into the misty landscape. "Mom?" I spin in place, searching for her. I run through the never-ending mist. "Mom!" I spin again. "Mommy!"

Jax is in front of me. Face it, Angela. No one wants you. You're weak. Crying for your dead parents. Crying over John…a man who clearly could never love you. So weak. That's why you never had Ryan. You could never have a man love you. Tony showed you that much. And you know it. You told John. You're not worth it.

"Ronon loves me."

Sure he does. You're his pet. He likes having someone follow him around, making him feel important. But he could never love you really. Not the way a man loves a woman. You're not strong enough for him. For any of them.

You're just no good, Angela. Mom and Dad know it now. Of course you had to get them killed for them to figure it out. Same with Ryan and Charlie. It'll be the same with Ronon and John. They'll figure it out soon enough…when you get them killed too.

"No!"

Why fight it. You know it's true. Just go on and keep crying like a little baby. It seems it's all your good at these days.

Okay, that just pisses me off to no end. So what if seeing Mom makes me happy, not seeing Dad makes me sad, seeing John makes me want him ten ways from Sunday. I'm sick of taking Jax's crap. Sick of apologizing for my damn feelings!

She is staring me down with that hateful glare. So I pop one off and deck her. She doesn't go down, but she's shocked to the core, I can feel it, because so am I. Usually she's the one smacking me around. This is so weird.

She stands firm, rubbing her jaw. I raise my fist again. That's some bitch slap, sweetie. She's smiling at me. Knew you had it in ya.

"What?"

Jax begins circling me, looking me up and down, appraising me even. When you were six and fell down on the ice the first time. Who picked you up?

My brows crease. Is this a trick? "Daddy."

Jax shakes her head. Okay, fine. The second time.

"I did."

She nods. When Jacob White tripped you on the playground in eighth grade, what happened?

I can't fight the grin. "I broke his nose."

When you fell off the apex of the pyramid in high school and dislocated your shoulder…what'd you do?

God. High school cheerleading? She's bringing that up? "I cried."

Because it hurt.

"Well…yeah." That's a given.

Then what'd you do?

I turn my head, watching her carefully as the memory returns. "Went to the ER. Flirted with the cute doctor." She's still looking me up and down, like I'm something on an auction block.

After that. After the recovery.

"I went back to cheerleading."

And?

Now I see where she's going. "I got back on the apex."

Jax stops circling and stands in front of me, eye to eye. Hers are exactly like mine, only there's a challenge in them. And when Tony Demarco pointed his gun at you, ready to kill you in an instant. What did you do?

I shake my head. I don't want to go back there. I've never wanted to go back there no matter how many times my brain takes me. Jax grips my shoulders and squeezes, painfully almost. What did you do?

"I…I…" I close my eyes and take a deep breath, then open them and stare right at her. "I glared at him."

She releases me and folds her arms. You didn't beg for your life?

I shake my head, not taking my eyes from hers. "No."

You didn't run? Let him shoot you in the back?

"No."

Jax tilts her head, eyeing me with that challenge. And during all this…where was I?

My eyes widen and my jaw drops. I can feel the air going in and out of my lungs, but I'm so stunned, I can't catch my breath. I'm dizzy and my heart is beating so fast. So hard.

Where. Was. I? She asks again, pointedly hitting each word.

I shake my head. "No where. You didn't…exist."

Jax smiles. It's a gentle, warm smile…so different. It's Mom's smile. She has Mom's smile. Which mean I have Mom's smile. How come I never noticed that?

Call yourself whatever you want: Pamela, Frankie, Tammy…Jax. They're only names. They don't make you…you…Angela.

"I don't understand."

Jax's smile turns sly, into a smirk. Yes you do.

"Jax is a cool name," Mom says. I spin, seeing her behind me. "Tough."

"Mom?" She fingers my collar. I look down seeing black clothes, Jax's outfit.

"Like a code name," a deep male voice says.

I spin around and bump into… "Daddy?"

His arms engulf me with a giant hug, pressing his heart against mine. "Hello Angel." I can smell his aftershave. And his arms are so tight around me. I've never felt so safe. So loved.

"Oh, Daddy!" I sob against him.

~ 12.5 ~

John's only partially listening to Carson as he tells Elizabeth what's happening to Jax. He's too busy watching over the young woman who—for reasons beyond both their control—has become a very major concern for him. He's grasping one hand as Ronon clutches at the other while she lies in the infirmary, wired up to an EKG and an IV.

"It's that bloody Ancient device," Carson tells Elizabeth. "I should have seen it sooner. I'm so sorry."

"What is happening to her, Carson?" Elizabeth asks. John can hear the worry in her voice. Elizabeth—like a lot of others here—has grown attached to Jax. She's…well there's something about her.

Maybe it's the pheromones.

Yesterday, Ronon found her in the shower, completely unresponsive. He did his best to warm her and rouse her, but nothing worked. John had sent him there because he had a gut feeling something was wrong with her. He didn't know where that idea came from, but he couldn't get rid of it. He felt Jax in trouble. He just wishes he'd been wrong.

"Her metabolism has gone haywire. And she's lost weight."

John fought the urge to go to her himself, but that only lasted about fifteen minutes. He finally gave in and when he arrived at her quarters, he found Ronon on the bed with the weeping woman. He's never seen Ronon so worried. Even when Jax had gone into the catatonic state, Ronon still remained stoic, almost removed from the whole thing. But yesterday, John saw fear in the big man's eyes.

Fear for his sister. And a predominant hatred for John.

"Her body's expending more energy than she's putting in. I've spoken with Dr. Heightmeyer and she did tell me the lass' eating habits are, lets just say, erratic. But with all the chemicals flooding her system, she probably hasn't noticed a drag."

"I don't understand."

Ronon carried her to the infirmary with John following close on his heels. Carson kicked them out moments later, though neither could leave the outside corridor and the doctor ordered them to get some rest. Like that was really an option.

They stayed in the corridor all night, waiting. John could see the blame in Ronon's not-so-subtle glare. If anything happens to Jax, John knows Ronon would feel righteous in killing his commanding officer. And part of John would welcome it.

Carson finally relented and let them in an hour ago to sit with her. Elizabeth arrived a few minutes ago to get updated.

Carson sighs heavily and that makes both Ronon and John look at him. "I daresay she's had enormous amounts of physical energy. It's the chemicals being released, they are essential to stamina." Elizabeth nods and John's breath catches when he hears the word. "The problem lies in the fact that a human body needs fuel to expend such energy. She hasn't been putting in that fuel…or enough of it, anyway."

"Shouldn't she have known? Been hungry at least?"

"Aye. But you know the lass, Dr. Weir. She's an exceptionally driven creature. I've never met the like…well, aside from you that is."

Elizabeth flashes an embarrassed smirk as she folds her arms. "Is she going to be all right?"

Carson crosses his arms, glancing over his shoulder at the young woman. John follows the doctor's gaze. She seems to be sleeping peacefully, at least. The weeping ended sometime in the night according to Carson. Her eyes do look a little sunken and her cheekbones pronounced, but otherwise she's just as beautiful as ever.

Maybe I should kiss her. It always works in fairytales.

Now that's the most ridiculous thought ever!

Though the kissing idea came to him, to John's surprise, the last thing on his mind is sex. That's a big deal these days, especially when he's around Jax. Usually his body gets in on the action before his mind can even focus. But as of yesterday—their last meeting yesterday—something's different. He's wondering if being apart really was the only way and that he just had to reconcile the fact in his mind. Put her needs ahead of his.

When he realized how much he was hurting her, something snapped inside him. The thought of being the cause of her pain even in the slightest made him angry…at himself. He beat the crap out of the heavy bag for a while. Until that twinge in his gut told him something was seriously wrong with Jax and he raced back to the city to find Ronon.

Carson's talking again. "Her heart stopped last night."

"What!" Ronon stands up, still holding Jax's hand. John twists in his chair, echoing Ronon's cry.

The doctor nods. "Aye. We had to shock her back. It wasn't long…just a minute. But it's never a good thing. As you know, Colonel."

John nods. "Hurts like hell too."

Elizabeth turns to him. "You remember?"

"Yeah," he scrubs his free hand over his face.

"I have her on a high electrolyte IV, which I'm hoping will get her to wake up."

Ronon re-takes his seat, still watching the doctor. "You don't know if she'll wake up?"

"You have to understand son, what's happening to her is metabolic. That's a very slippery slope to mess with. I can't believe the Ancients didn't add this into their data."

Elizabeth shrugs. "They probably never came across it. After all, the device wasn't meant…"

"For us," John says firmly.

"Mom?" Jax says softly. Her hand tightens around John's. He glances over and sees that Ronon's also getting the same response.

John smoothes his hand over her forehead, ignoring the glare from the other man. "Wake up, Jax."

"Angie," Ronon growls.

John grimaces at him. "She doesn't like to be called that."

"So you say."

"I do say, because she said so."

"I don't agree."

Elizabeth sighs and both men turn to her. "I doubt your bickering is the encouragement she needs to wake up." She spreads her hands. "Just my opinion."

John smirks at that. "Thought women liked to be fought over."

Elizabeth's eyes narrow on him. "Masculine misconception, John."

John nods, dutifully chagrined. He glances at Ronon. "Sorry." Ronon just grunts.

"Mommy!"

She's breathing rapidly and her body's shaking. "Carson," John and Ronon call at the same time then look at each other. John doesn't back down this time. Yes, he understands Ronon's protectiveness of Jax. But Ronon has to understand that John isn't going away until he knows she's all right. And even then…he might not be able to stay away.

And John's not so sure that's such a bad thing anymore.

Carson checks her vitals and listens to her heart. "She's panicking." He calls to his nurse. "5mg diazepam."

Her grip on John's hand tightens and he winces as his knuckles get crushed together. Damn, she's strong! "I think something's pissing her off," he tells everyone.

"Nightmares," Ronon says, not taking his eyes from her.

The nurse returns with the shot, but Jax has already settled down. Carson checks her heart again. "Slowing…getting better." He waves off the nurse. "Never mind."

She's quiet now, though her brows crease in confusion. She shakes her head slightly, but not thrashing as she normally does. Her grip on John lessens considerably.

Elizabeth looks to Carson. "That's a good sign, right? She's dreaming."

"Aye." He turns to her. "I'm optimistic. As soon as she's awake, we need to get some solid food in her. She's going to have to make some changes in her eating habits. And I know she's not going to like this, but I'm requiring at least a ten pound weight gain and not just muscle. The lass needs some insulation on her as well."

Elizabeth's brows rise. "Ten pounds? Really?"

"Aye. I'd say this trade agreement with I-zoola could not have come at a better time."

Her brows wrinkle. "Why's that?"

"While on their planet, Jax managed quite well on the fish and grain diet. I've run my tests. There are substantial proteins and vitamins in their food. Plus no added fillers like we're used to on Earth."

"Daddy?" A moment later, though, she's crying again. John looks up at Carson.

"Happy tears," Elizabeth says softly.

"How can you tell?" John asks.

She nods toward Jax. "She's smiling."

He turns toward the young woman and sees Elizabeth is right. Jax's lips are softly curved and she looks blissful.

Elizabeth nods and clasps her hands together. "Good. Keep me informed."

John catches her gaze before she leaves. She pulls her eyes from his almost instantly and it makes him feel guilty and sad. He doesn't want to leave Jax, but he knows he has to talk to Elizabeth. They've been doing the back and forth eye-thing for too long. He's accepted the truth about his feelings for her. He can't believe it took someone else to point it out to him, but there it is. It's time he put everything out there.

He's seen the looks she's given him. Not to forget the hug. They never spoke of it, but since then, things between them have been different: the flirting a little bit more serious; the silences on the balcony more fulfilling; the subtle touches on an arm or back a grateful reminder that they're both still here.

And he's forever been attracted to her, since that first meeting in Antarctica. Have to face it, she's a gorgeous woman. Even though he's been affected by this thing with Jax, it hasn't dampened his attraction for Elizabeth…or the fact that his heartbeat quickens when she comes into his sight.

He releases Jax's hand, laying it across her stomach and follows Elizabeth. He finds her in the corridor, leaning a shoulder against a wall, head bowed and her back to him. She must have heard the door open because her spine instantly straightens and she starts walking away. He catches sight of her hand as it swipes over her cheek.

If he didn't know better, he'd swear Jax was the one walking away from him. "Elizabeth," he calls softly.

She stops but doesn't turn around. He catches up to her. She doesn't look at him as she speaks. "You should stay…wait for her to wake up."

John shrugs. "Ronon's with her. He's all she needs."

Elizabeth turns to him then and he can see the remnant tears on her lashes. "You can be so dense, John." He's taken aback by that and knows the shock is registering on his face. She smiles softly. "I wasn't talking about what she needs."

John shakes his head. "I don't understand."

Elizabeth sighs through her nose and closes her eyes for a moment. When she opens them, she motions to him. "Look at you. You haven't slept. I doubt you've eaten. Unshaved and wearing the same clothes you had on yesterday."

"So I'm lazy. What's that-"

"No, John." She shakes her head. "You're worried. You're afraid you'll lose her. You're in-love."

"What?" Why is everyone assuming his feelings for Jax are more than…well, just more? First Jax breaks up with him because she says he's in-love with Elizabeth, something he hadn't even contemplated. After all their time together, all their angst and danger…believing each other to be dead, John supposes it makes sense. But then Carson and now Elizabeth insist he's in-love with Jax? Wouldn't he be the first to know this sort of thing? Shouldn't he?

Then again…shouldn't he have known about his feelings for Elizabeth too? All the time he's spent watching her in meetings, hoping for a glimpse of her emerald eyes, a hint of a smile or even one of those sexy arched brows. Their banter makes his day, gives him a tickle in his stomach when he catches her off-guard. She's the best thing that's ever happened to him…and he's only just now realizing it. He'd be lost without Elizabeth. Her strength and determination, her leadership and intelligence, even her stubbornness can make him feel happy.

She's the last person he looks to when going off-world and the first person he seeks out when returning. It has nothing to do with her being in command. It has to do with the fact that when he sees her…he knows he's home. It's as simple as that. Nothing here would have meaning, really. She is the heart of Atlantis. His heart.

How could he be with someone else…no matter what the physical attraction? Elizabeth has always been there, inside him, since the beginning. She's the reason he came here, the reason he took the risk. After that first meeting, even though he'd told Gen. O'Neill he had to think about it, he'd already made the choice.

"I don't know why you're fighting it so hard," Elizabeth says. "We all see it. Even Ronon. That's probably why he hasn't tried to kill you yet." She laughs softly.

See what? That I like her, that I'm ridiculously attracted to her? That I can't stop thinking about her…or wanting her…talk to her…see her smile…?

Who exactly am I thinking about? "Elizabeth. I told you I'm not in-love with Jax."

"Angela."

He waves a hand. "Whatever. Whoever. I'm not-"

She takes a deep breath. "I saw you when I came into the infirmary, John. Sitting there, holding her hand, watching her. Wanting her. You can't help it, I know."

Okay, so…he's grow attached to Jax. She's…god she's beautiful and sexy…but that's all there is to it. Like he told Carson. It's just physical. Right?

If that's the case, why was I sitting by her side the whole night? Why am I willing to stand up to Ronon just to be near her?

He shakes his head. "Certainly not part of any plan. It just… happened. Like everything else around here just happens." John dips his head so he can catch Elizabeth's eyes. "But I'm not with her right now, am I? I'm with you. Why were you crying?"

She doesn't look at him. "I wasn't…I…" Words fail her as she shakes her head. John lifts her chin with a finger. Elizabeth's mouth sets in a tight line. "It's a difficult situation…the burden of command. Perceptions, protocol."

He drops his hand to his side and tilts his head back. Ah. Protocol. She's the leader and he's her second in command. That sticky little thing.

She looks him in the eyes. "Col. Caldwell." He bristles at the mention of his superior's name. That man is going to be the bane of his existence, he knew it the moment he met him. The moment he saved my life?

The guy is just itching for an excuse to get Atlantis militarized. To take control. To send me packing.

As if reading his mind, Elizabeth says, "Atlantis needs you, John. Needs us both." She shakes her head again. "But…you need some stability…even here. Someone to look forward to seeing…"

"I have that." John grasps Elizabeth's hand and puts it to his lips. A gasp escapes her, but she doesn't try to pull away from him. She trembles at his touch. He knows it's not fear. He likes that he can elicit such things from her. "I can't be in-love with Jax. Because I already am…with you."

There he said it and the moment he did, he felt it as truth. He'd never told a woman that before and now he knows why. All these years of holding back, it's because he's been waiting…for her. For Elizabeth.

She closes her eyes and stifles a sob. "As much as I want…" She looks at him, her eyes full of sadness, pain…a lot like Jax. "It doesn't matter. You're bonded to her, John. She needs you. And you do need her."

He shakes his head again, this time pressing her palm against his lips and gently kissing it. "I only need you."

Now she does pull her hand away, but to caress his cheek, running her thumb over his mouth. "You have me, John. Always." He's so ready to take her in his arms and kiss her, but suddenly she turns and walks away.

He stands there not knowing what to do. He's never been this indecisive before. Half of him wants to run after her, make her clarify exactly what she means by that. He has her? How exactly if she's walking away from him. If she's so worried about Caldwell and protocol…how can they be together? Why is she pushing him towards Jax?

The other half is pulling him right back to the infirmary, to urge Jax to open her eyes and smile at him the way he adores. To take her in his arms and straight to bed, hold her through the night and tell her everything's going to be all right. Convince her they should be together.

John turns and bangs his forehead into the nearest wall. What the hell is wrong with me? Is it possible to be in-love with two women at the exact same time? Not that he's saying he's in-love with Jax, because he's…

Oh, hell…stop lying to yourself! He knows what his heart does when he's around Jax… it's exactly what it does the moment Elizabeth walks into a room or raises an eyebrow or grins at him slyly. Sometimes it's like they're the same woman and then other times…

John sighs and bangs his forehead against the wall again. He needs a shower. He needs a meal.

He needs to get his damn head on straight.

Women!

They're gonna be the death of me yet.