Title: "Hypocrite."
Author: walkwithheroes
Disclaimer: I don't own them and I never did and never will. As far as I can tell, no spoilers.
Rating: PG-13 or very light R
Summary: When Jayne starts to think his youngest child is falling into a relationship of the romantic nature, he decides to give all his children a sex talk, with a little help from River.
Author's Note: I had a thought for this fic, but then I read M's newest fic and it went from there… Takes place in the 'The More Things Change' series and the 'Make Things Even' and 'Children in Bloom' 'verse. Side note: I got myself a nice little AU 'verse going here, better come up with a name.
Yes, I know the kid's accents are kind of strange. However, they've been raised by the whole crew, so I figure they have strange little accents that are Core World/Rim World/Boarder Moon all round into one.
P.S. Find the semi-song lyric and win a prize! (Ok, you won't actually win anything.)
It wasn't right, that much Jayne knew. She was just fourteen years old and she shouldn't have had a big 'little man' tickling her; a twenty-nine year old man named Rex Washburne. Jayne had always been fond of Rex, but at that moment he wanted to kill the little man. Rayne was fourteen, fourteen!
"I'm dying!" Rayne giggled loudly. "Air is leaving my lungs and my brain will stop functioning. Stop, stop, Hob-an!"
From his chair on the porch, Jayne watched Rex and Rayne giggle under a large oak tree. The ex-merc carved a new figure for River and gave Rex the stink eye; Rex and Rayne didn't notice.
"Hoban!"
"Don't fight it, don't fight it." Rex grabbed Rayne and pulled her onto his lap, while he still kept tickling her. "This land is your grave, Rayne."
The girl laughed harder. "Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!"
They were laughing and tickling one another and it was enough to make Jayne want to throw Blinky at Rex's head. He was about to do so when Matt came outside and headed over to the laughing duo. Matt would take care of it, Jayne knew that much.
"Hey!" The young man marched over to Rex and his sister. "Ya killin' her a'gain?" He raised an eyebrow and shook his head with a chuckle.
"She's gettin' what's comin' ta her." Rex replied with a smirk. He stopped tickling the teen. "She stole my dinos, again."
"They were axin' f'r it." Rayne informed her brother with a cheerful smile. "Always mockin' me." She fidgeted away from Rex and gave him a very serious look. "They didn' scream when I killed 'em." She leaned in a bit closer. "They were very brave."
Rex gave her a mock look of horror. "Rayne, such language, such poetry for death. You're awful!"
Matt shook his head again. "Okay, Ray, w'at'd ya do with 'em?" He put his hands on his hips and gave her a stern look. "Ya bury 'em? Drown 'em?"
Rayne nodded slowly. "They sleep with the worms."
Rex's look of horror was suddenly no longer faux. "You put 'em in the dirt!" He quickly stood up. "Where? Garden? Barns? Serenity?"
Matt stood to Rex's side and tried not to start laughing. From the porch, Jayne didn't even bother, he just started laughing. The threesome by the tree ignored him.
Rayne was giving Rex a very displeased look. "They had it coming." She repeated, this time a little more slowly. She suddenly seemed to notice how upset he looked. "They…they're with the roses. They aren't very deep, Hoban." Rayne told him softly and sweetly.
With a sigh, Rex nodded. "I know." He looked over at Matt. "She actually put 'em in the garden, it's a step up from the lake." He shivered at the memory. "'Least I don' gotta go digging through duck shit an' water."
Matt gave Rex a little pat on the back. "Cheer up, Rex. Mayhap ya can get a certain lady ta help ya." He gave the older man a wink.
Suddenly cheered, Rex smiled widely. "Rayne, you are smooth." He helped her up, gave her a huge hug, and then rushed off toward one of the old barns.
Matt and Rayne watched him for a moment, before Matt turned back to Rayne. "Ya did it on purpose? They weren' mockin' ya this time."
His little sister just gave an innocent shrug before skipping off toward the backyard of their home.
Inara found Jayne on the porch a couple of hours later. She watched him carve for a moment before speaking. "That's lovely." She cocked her head to one side. "I want to say it's a…dolphin?" Jayne looked at Inara and snorted. "I'm not right?"
"It's another ballerina." Jayne stated defectively. "And River loves 'em."
Feeling rather embarrassed, Inara quickly nodded. "Of course she does! It's very beautiful."
Jayne just rolled his eyes and put the carving down. " 'Nara, what do ya think of Rex and Rayne's relationship?"
She paused for a moment before offering Jayne one of her calm smiles. "They're adorable." Jayne made a face. "They are, Jayne. You know perfectly well that they adore one another, they always have."
And with that, Jayne knew just what he had to do.
After dinner that night, Jayne had his three children join he and River in their bedroom. The kids all lazily sat on their parent's bed and watched their father pace the room; River was quietly sitting in a chair by the door.
"We're gonna do this real simple." Jayne stopped pacing and turned to look at his kids. "Honest, how many of ya have kissed somebody, romantical, that weren't family."
Rayne started giggling; Jay looked utterly horrified. But, Matt was the one who spoke. "Huh, Pa, 'xactly what do ya think we do when the three of us are alone?" He nervously cleared his throat. "Jay and I ain't sly and ain't nobody would kiss Ray romantically."
From her spot beside him, Rayne shot Matt a look. "I am pleasing ta the eye." She told him firmly, before sticking her tongue out at him.
From his place in front of them, Jayne let out a growl. "That ain't…raise yer hand if ya'd kissed somebody in a romantical way!" Jay and Matt awkwardly raised their hands. Jayne breathed a sigh of relief, until Rayne slowly raised her hand as well. His eyes threatening to bug out, Jayne looked back at River, who just nodded that they were all telling the truth. "Gorramit!"
"Pa," Jay began slowly. "we've…"
Jayne put a meaty hand up. "No, I'm talkin' at ya'll." He paused for a moment. "Okay, how many of ya'll have been sexed up?" He glared at the three of them, daring them to lie.
"Pa, you brought me ta my first cathouse when I was sixteen." Jay reminded his father with a sly grin.
"Me, too." Matt added helpfully.
The two Cobb brothers exchanged an amused look over their little sister's head. From her chair, River was giving Jayne an icy death glare.
Jayne nervously swallowed and turned to his wife. "Now, now, River…my Pa did the same f'r me an'…I bet yer Pa did somethin' akin ta that f'r Simon."
All three Cobb children made faces; they did not like thinking about their beloved Uncle Simon having sex with anyone.
River looked like she was about to speak, but Jay saved Jayne from a lashing. "Pa, ya are aware that Matts and me are in our twenties, ain't ya? I'm near twenty-five and Matts on twenty-two. We's grown men with needs an' the like." This time it was Jayne and River that made faces; Rayne just started giggling again.
"Alright, alright. We never gave ya'll a talkin' ta 'bout sexin', so yer Ma and me," River raised an eyebrow. "Me…wants ta give it." Jayne cleared his throat. "There's this thing, yer Ma an' me don' use 'em, but there're called condoms, ya boys use 'em?"
Jay and Matt just nodded dumbly; they could already tell this was not going to end well for them.
"Right, now sexin' a person up is a matter best handled in private."
"So, we shouldn't have wild sex outdoors, then?" Matt asked with a wry grin. Rayne giggled again.
"Outdoor intercourse is enjoyable and is not a problem." River spoke up. Jayne began turning red. "Sexual actions are beautiful. Flow like rivers, fly like birds." She gave her children a dreamy look. "You were all made in different places and that's what makes you all special. Jay was made in the cargo bay, Matt was made outdoors in the bushes, and Rayne was made in a shuttle, on the pilot's chair."
"River," Jayne glanced back at his wife. "I'm…don' tell 'em that!"
"Hypocrite." River muttered. "Preach one thing and do another." She shook her head. "Hypocrite-father."
"Now…" Jayne began.
Jay cut him off: "I got a question. W'at the hell are ya tryin' to say, Pa? Don't have sex outside?"
"Look," Jay growled. "Jay, I'm givin' ya'll the sex talk. It's late, but…certain things are happenin' an'…I'm jus' tellin' you three w'at ya need ta know."
"He's afraid you're all going to make mistakes." River stated from her chair. "He should tell you the science of intercourse." She eyed her children for a moment before going on. "The male and female have different sexual organs. When the male grows excited by the female, he gets an erection; this is a natural biological function and nothing to be ashamed of. The female will become wet and she will widen for the male's erection, this is also nothing to be ashamed of. The male will enter and the female with tighten around him."
River glanced around the room; Jayne looked horrified and had turned a deep shade of red, meanwhile all three of the Cobb children looked disturbed and seemed to be trying to tune her out, Rayne even had her hands over her ears.
River went on, describing every part and feelings that happened during sex, and minutes later, she smiled dreamily as she finished: "Then, sometimes, babies are made. This is natural. Sperm will be released inside the woman and it will travel toward the uterus and enter an ova, were fertilization occurs." She stopped speaking and looked around her. "That's basically intercourse."
"Gawd, ya hear the horror stories." Jay muttered. "Aunt Inara walkin' in on Shadow's 'private time' an' Uncle Simon offerin' Lee birth control, but ya never think it'll happen ta you." The young man shivered. "Ma, please never explain sexin' again."
River looked over at Jayne. "It was down right unsettling, baby." He looked at the three children on his bed and decided to try something. "Sexin' has ta do with love. Love is like a battle field."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" The three people on the bed sang.
Jayne gave them an intimating stare and they all shut up. "Love an' sex go hand an' hand."
"Hypocrite." River muttered again.
Jayne ignored her, though the three of the bed all smirked. "Well, they oughta." He looked over each of his kids before going on. "An' from now on, none of ya'll should sex anybody or git sexed, 'less ya in love. Jus' like me an' yer Ma."
Matt's smirk grew wider. "Pa, there ain't no couple in the 'verse like you and Ma."
Both Jayne and River had to smile at that thought.
"Even so, no sex." Jayne gave Rayne a hard look. "None, less your over eighteen or married." He stood taller. "I didn' have sex with yer Ma tell we was married."
"Grammy must have been proud." Matt stated with a sly grin.
"Hey, w'at I did 'fore River ain't no matter now." Jayne grumpily told his son. He pointed a thick finger at his kids. "Now I don'; wantta hear 'bout any of you havin' sex 'less yer married. Got it?" All three nodded. "Good, not git. Yer Ma and I got business."
Jay, Matt, and Rayne all made faces as they quickly left the bedroom.
Once they were gone, Jayne turned back to River and gave her a grin. "That went real well, huh?" River just shrugged. "I mean, Rayne ain't goin' have sex with Rex now."
River began to laugh and Jayne gave her a 'huh' look. "Silly Jayne, Rayne doesn't want to have sex with Rex and he doesn't want to have sex with her; he's married to Lee and loves her."
Jayne shrugged. "He could have an affair."
She gave him a bored smile. " Rex would never do that, he's loyal and in love. Shadow's the one you need to worry about."
"Shadow? He's nineteen an' all he thinks 'bout is sex!" Jayne gave her a horrified look. "He's too old f'r Rayne."
River shook her head sadly. "We are twenty-two years, two months, three weeks, five days, eighteen hours, forty-seven minutes, and thirty-two seconds apart in age, husband. Age is just a number, you told me that."
"Well, well, it ain't the same with Rayne!" Jayne sat down on their bed and looked at River. "It's real different."
"Hypocrite." River gave him a little smile as she sat up and gracefully moved over to the bed, where she ended up straddling his lap. River locked her arms around Jayne's neck and stared into his blue eyes. "If you practiced what you preached, you wouldn't have me or our offspring."
"Well," Jayne shrugged as best he could. "ya do got a point, baby." With a nearly lewd grin, Jayne let his hands go up River's shirt. He gently rubbed her back. "Jus' two questions: Does Rayne know Shadow thinks on her an' who was her romantical kiss?"
River nearly rolled her eyes. "Genius reader." She reminded Jayne. "Little Mix of us knows everything, even the dead can't keep secrets with her around." She sighed softly. "First pressing of lips was with Henry Jones from town, happened last month."
Jayne's eyes grew wide. "Henry Jones? The boy's near seventeen an' he's a pervert!" River just gave him a look. "It's true; he's always lookin' at yer legs in church. An' I see the looks he gives Lee an' Derri an' he shouldn't be near Rayne."
Jayne's wife sighed again. Really, Jayne took so much looking after. "Rayne doesn't love Henry Jones. Just kissed him to get it over with, that's all."
"But, she's a pretty little thing an' she might git hurt." Jayne protested.
"Got a whole house looking after her." River muttered as she leaned her head down to kiss Jayne's neck. "Don't worry at all about our offspring." She gently and slowly moved her mouth to his, though it was mostly to get him to stop worrying. "Practice what we preach." River muttered into his mouth. "Sexual intercourse."
"Don' gotta tell me twice." Was Jayne's response as River pushed him down onto the bed.
Down the hall, the Cobb siblings stood just outside the room Rayne shared with Derri Reynolds. They had had a very interesting evening with their parents; one they were surely not going to be forgetting any time soon. Jayne didn't want them to have sex anymore, though both Matt and Jay knew they wouldn't be following that rule anytime soon. As for Rayne, well she never did seem all that interested in the actual act of sex to begin with.
"Their havin' sex, ain't they?" Matt asked his siblings with a small shutter. Jay and Rayne just nodded.
"Guess Ma is teachin' him." Jay said, though the second the words were out of his mouth he regretted them and ended up making a disgusted face. "Forget that, wouldya?"
"Hey!" They all glanced down the hall to see Shadow Reynolds walking toward them. "Secret meetin'?"
Rayne shook her head, causing hair to fly even more into her face. "Jus' recalling events of the evening. Daddy and Mommy gave us a sex talk. It was very unsettling." She paused and then smiled cheerfully at him. "Like the time your mother caught you masturbating in the restroom."
Both Jay and Matt busted out laughing, though Shadow turned as red as a tomato. "Now, little Rayne Drops, that ain't somethin' little girls speak of." He gave the two older men a pointed look. "Would you see she don' talk like that, again?"
"Ray…" Jay started.
"Don't say masturbating in front of Shadow." Matt finished.
"It's unnerving." They echoed.
Rayne shrugged. "You all do it." She told them pointy. "Can't be embarrassed of what you do."
"That's different!" All three of them yelled together.
"Hypocrites." She gave them all a sweet little smile before going into her bedroom and shutting the door behind her.
The three men all stood there for a moment, not looking one another in the eyes, before hurrying off to hide from everyone in their rooms. If the past always remembered itself, the whole house would know about the Cobb family sex talk and what the boys did in their free time by tomorrow at breakfast; and all three men needed time to prepare their excuses and witty comebacks.