~ 18 ~

I stretch my arms overhead as I wake up. Alone. A strange zap stings my stomach and it's not from hunger…though that is kicking in. I'm pretty sure I know what's wrong; I just don't want to admit it to myself.

Disappointed he's gone.

I said I didn't want to admit it!

I can't believe I actually fell asleep on John. I didn't even get a chance to enjoy it, I simply crashed. How ironic is that. All those days being wide awake and wanting nothing more than to bang the daylights out of the man and the moment I get him, I'm dead to the world.

I blame McKay.

Me too.

Grumbling, I toss aside the top sheet, pull on my robe and go brush my teeth. My eyes are still really heavy and my brain's completely mush, pretty sure I could fall right back to sleep. So, after dealing with bodily functions and getting rid of the nasty mouth, I give in to the heaviness and flop facedown onto my bed, comfy in my old robe. I'm already drifting when I hear my door open, but I don't bother opening my eyes and admitting to consciousness. I don't think I've ever been this tired after spending so much time doing nothing.

Where's all that extra energy I'm supposed to have?

"She's still asleep," John whispers. He's checking on me. That's so sweet. I wonder who he's talking to though. Not enough to open my eyes, however. "Sorry, Rodney, you're going to have to wait."

Ah, he's talking into the headset. McKay must be looking for me, wondering why I'm not on my way back through the gate with him. Well that's just too bad Dr. McSnarky. Do as the man says, wait. I'd give an evil laugh, but that would spoil the whole pretending to be asleep thing.

"Then I'll just have to tell Dr. Beckett you're overriding his orders." He waits. "That's what I thought. You'll see her when she gets there. Sheppard out."

He comes over to my side and I yawn. "You lied." When I open my eyes, I see him standing there holding a tray of food.

"I misspoke," he says with a grin. "Big difference." I roll over, stretch like a cat and then sit up, propping a pillow behind my back. John sets the tray on my lap then he picks up the fork. "Carson wanted you to eat up. Lot's of protein. I made the omelet myself." Besides the egg dish there's a variety of fruit and several strips of crispy bacon, my favorite.

"Mmm. A man who cooks? Mom would be so proud."

John smirks. "You should probably taste it first." Using the fork, he cuts off a piece of omelet and lifts it to my mouth. "Open says me."

He's so adorable, I just have to play with him a little. Ever so slowly I part my lips, lean in and cover the fork. His eyes don't leave my mouth the whole time I chew; probably because I'm making 'mmm' sex noises to drive him crazy. When the food's all gone, John sets the tray aside and gently wipes my mouth with a napkin.

"You back on duty?" I ask.

"Nope. Bed time."

"Really."

"Why?" There's a twinkle in his eyes.

I exaggerate a lip pucker. "Oh, no reason. I'm still hungry."

"Still?"

"Mmm hmm." John makes a decision to go get me more food and is about to stand up when I grab him by the collar of his lovely black shirt and pull his face so close to mine I can see the bits of blue and green in his eyes. "For you."

It seems like forever since I last kissed him. He's so sweet and his lips are so full. And I still see stars the moment his tongue hits mine. I hope that never gets old. I could stay like this forever…well, until we get to the even better part, then I can stay like that…

John breaks the kiss to strip off his shirt then his mouth is mine again. Before I know it, my robe's gone and we're climbing under the covers. He gladly takes on the task of easing my hunger. His mouth burns a trail of kisses across my jaw and down my neck to my chest where his hand is teasing…yesthere. "Joh…nny," I manage weakly.

"Mmm?" The murmur vibrates against my sensitive skin and all the way down to my hoo-ha where his other set of magic fingers is already taking a toll on my higher brain functions.

"I never…" Oh boy…

Speak girl, just …okay that feels really good. Mmmm.

Suddenly he stops all the stuff that turns me into a whimpering idiot and stares down at me with those intense eyes. "You were saying?"

I shake my head and blink the fuzzies away. "I…um…never got to finish my goals."

He grins sideways at me. "Isn't that what we're trying to do now?"

I frown a little. "For me to seduce you. Thought that's what you wanted. Why we had to wait so long. Right?"

He nods, grinning. "Seemed like a good idea at the time."

"Not anymore?"

"You tell me…" he says as his lips and the tip of his tongue attack that spot between my ear and jaw, that spot that instantly makes me…ohgod…and then his magic fingers start that stuff again and I can feel him so ready for me.

"You're…right," I gasp. "…ummm…some…uhhh…other time."

His eyes lock onto mine. "Agreed." And he seals it with a searing kiss just before slowly joining with me. His tongue mimics what's happening between us, sending starburst of pleasure straight through my body.

He finally falls into blissful sleep after out third round. I'm resting my chin atop the back of my hand on his chest, simply staring at his beautiful face. The scruffy jaw may leave me feeling like I've been rolling around on sandpaper…but damn he looks so sexy with that shadow. I really enjoy a good stare, especially when it involves someone so… well, okay when it involves John.

It's probably wrong to compare and contrast, but I don't remember spending this much time staring at Ryan. I mean, he was strong and damn handsome…but I've been thinking, okay, dwelling on the fact that nothing ever happened back then. Maybe I wasn't in the L-word with him. I was definitely dependant and he tried to make me feel safe…but does that constitute the L-word?

I think the fact that I can't even say it must be quite telling. I can tell Ronon because that's family stuff. But fluttery, sugary, hugs, kisses and making…nope can't say it.

Figuratively speaking, I'm still hungry, but I'm not out to kill the poor man. He's an amazing lover, and as it turns out, quite the role player as well. It's this insatiability that has me worried, for my sake as well as John's. What if I never tire of him, but he does get tired of me? It is in the genetic make-up of all males to be fruitful and multiply with any number of females. Monogamy is biologically unsound…that's where the L-word comes in to keep the status-quo, well, status-quo.

But the L-word has its own drawbacks. It can fade…get stale. People get bored and move on. Isn't that why the divorce rate is so outrageous back on Earth? Not only that but it's a four letter word that can easily change into another four letter word: hate. That's where obsessions come from. People end up enjoying causing pain on those they previously claimed to love.

Biology and the L-word don't make sense. It can't be trusted.

So when John whispers softly to me from the depths of dreamland—"I love you"—my body tenses, my heart races and I'm filled with an overwhelming sense of dread. But at the same time, I get that flutter in my belly and my brain tingles with joy…until he adds: "Elizabeth" on a sigh. And my breath disappears.

My mind's spinning and my heart thumps hard against my ribs before, quite suddenly, seeming to stop completely. Now I know that's stupid, if my heart stopped I'd be dead.

I'm not dead.

I'm…numb.

My brain is quite literally blank. I really can't think. Isn't that the strangest thing in the world, not being able to think? I mean really, if I could show the inside of my head, I do believe it would be nothing more than a big empty black space right now.

What does that mean? Am I mad? Am I relieved? Have I gone completely bonkers?

Am I dead?

Since I have no answer, I slide out of the bed and go take a shower. I really don't remember getting dressed, but somehow it happened. As I'm heading out the door, I take a glance back at the sleeping form in my bed.

He's so beautiful.

I wish he was mine.

~ 18.5 ~

It's in her voice, in the way she calls his name that final time that he knows he doesn't have to hold back and can enjoy his release. Jax isn't overly quiet or excessively vocal when they're together, but somehow John can tell the difference between the next to last and the last time she calls him Johnny.

His mouth latches onto hers in the moment before he gives in. Her kiss makes it a thousand times more spectacular. He doesn't know why. Maybe he doesn't need to know.

She never has to tell him what she wants because he knows his every touch gets her trembling with excitement. He can kiss her anywhere, touch her anywhere and she's his. He knows it. And he loves it. John figures it has to have something to do with the device. He's not delusional enough to believe his talents can undo every woman this way. It is different with Jax.

Because she has the same effect on him.

Panting they break from the kiss, but not from each other. John smoothes away the curls matted to her cheek with sweat. She's studying his face again. He likes when she does that. As if she's memorizing every detail. Her fingers dance over his scruffy chin then delicately graze his bottom lip. John kisses her fingertips and she smiles.

When they started going to the mess hall for dinner and she'd link her pinky finger with his under the table, he'd get a tickle through his body. If her hand brushes his arm even innocently, he has to go over as much sports trivia as he can recall. And when she kisses him…all bets are off.

John brushes his lips lightly over hers. She responds by threading her fingers into his hair and pulling him closer, eagerly welcoming him.

Being apart for only a few days previously left them nearly deranged with headaches and pent up passion. But now, everything's different. Not that he doesn't want her with him every second of everyday, but that she doesn't have to be…physically anyway. Whether she knows it or not, Jax is inside him. He can feel her presence even if he can't see her. Like when she came through the gate. He'd already left the Control Room, but felt her return to the city.

John wraps his arms around her, lifting her from the bed and he rolls so that she's laying flat on top of him, but then she's rolling away and out of bed. She's so visually stimulating that seeing her naked gets his blood pumping all over again. He's not as tired as he should be. Somehow she does that too him too. Usually, by now, he'd be halfway to unconscious, but everything changed when this woman came into his life. "Where are you going?" he pants.

She steps toward the bathroom, glancing over her shoulder at him. "I have to get back. Dr. McSnarky's waiting."

John's out of bed in an instant and grabs her wrist, pulling her against him. "Let him wait." Kissing her, he turns, pinning her into the corner where the wardrobe meets the bathroom wall. "He made me wait."

"Us," she says huskily.

"Right." He kisses her hard, demanding and she's battling him with the same fervor.

Her arms snake around his neck and she hikes one leg over his hip, rubbing enticingly against him. Her teeth tug on his bottom lip then her tongue makes a slick trail down his neck to his collarbone. "There's a question looming in girl's poker night."

John looks into her eyes, sees the playfulness combined with unrelenting passion. "What question."

"Well," she bats her lashes. "Two actually."

He kisses her neck and she coos with delight. "First one?"

"On a scale of 1 to 10, how tender a lover is John Sheppard?"

He pulls back, raising an eyebrow. "And?"

She grins. "20, easily."

John smiles back, kissing her gently. "Second one?"

She hesitates, then: "How demanding is the Colonel."

This time when he looks at her, he stares hard into her eyes, waiting for a sign that tells him she's not saying what he thinks she is. Considering what happened before when he lost—or more to the point—took over completely, he's unsure why this would come up. Surely she's had enough of that, right? In all seriousness, John asks, "Do you really want to know?"

She doesn't blink or take her eyes from his. "Yes," she says breathlessly.

He's searching for any sign that she's not one hundred percent sure about this, but sees nothing to make him doubt her sincerity. He's not going to hurt her, that's assured, but he wants to be certain she knows that what she's asking isn't his usual game plan. He has to let go of restraint and just…give in. It's a dark side of him he wasn't prepared for that other time. It just happened. But if he actually considers…

She's watching him. Waiting for some sort of answer. Maybe she sees the moral battle debating in his head because her hands grasp his face and she makes him look into her eyes. "It's okay, John," she says with the same amount of sincerity. "I trust you."

And in that moment, he sees it's true. There's no fear in her eyes as there once was, no panic mounting. And for her to admit this, he knows that has to take a toll. Jax doesn't offer her trust up so easily, that's for certain. How he managed to earn it, he'll probably never know.

It was beyond difficult the night she left…well the whole time she's been gone hasn't been a picnic, that's for sure. Someone probably complained about the lack of cold water in the city because John couldn't get her off his mind.

He still has her trapped in the corner. He pushes her leg down so that she can stand on her own then pulls her hands from his face. The look of confusion will only increase as he starts to work on her. But as she should already know from past experience, he aims to please. Keeping his voice low, intimidating, John asks, "How old are you, Jax?"

Her brows crease. "What?"

He pulls her close then pushes her arms behind her back before pressing her into the corner again, effectively trapping her hands. "How old are you?" he asks again.

She narrows her gaze; a hint of a grin lifts the corner of her mouth. "I'm not going to tell you."

John raises a single brow and burrows his eyes into hers. His hands grip her shoulders tight before moving down and cupping her breasts, kneading them, pinching her nipples. "Before I'm done with you…you'll beg to tell me."

Defiantly, she shakes her head and quirks a half-smirk. "Never gonna happen."

Damn, I've always liked a challenge. "Oh…but it will." He hardens his gaze on hers. His right hand catches her behind the neck, gripping tight and he feels the tremor that shoots through her body. "And you're gonna love every second of it."

"Is that a dare, Colonel?"

His left hand skims over her tight stomach and he can feel the muscles flutter at his touch, arousing him to no end. He skips the usual stop and takes an immediate plunge making her gasp. "It's a promise."

Then he pulls her mouth to his in a bruising, demanding kiss. She's resistant, pushing him to take total command of the situation. He nips at her bottom lip, her breath catches, her mouth opens and he rather unceremoniously shoves his tongue inside, savagely tasting her, attacking her tongue in a battle of wills as her resistance continues even as she moans with pleasure.

He's not as rough as that other time, but he does pretty much man handle her about the room. He takes her this way and that: hard against the wall, demanding on the floor, powerfully against the desk, even back on the bed, turning her, twisting her into a pretzel, grinding hard any way he can without actually hitting that secret spot deep inside.

Each time, he takes her to the brink but never lets her go over the edge. He pulls her back …leaving her whimpering and moaning for more. Then after her tension ebbs without fulfillment, he starts all over again. And every time he takes her to that spot he asks her the same question. "How old are you?"

But she refuses to answer. She laughs. "I forget." Egging him on to continue his torment.

John's out of options and practically drained from all the exertion. He decides the colonel in him is not the way to tame this woman. He's going to have to use more coercive techniques. She's sprawled out on the bed, glistening with sweat, her legs over the side, one arm on her forehead, the other on her stomach, her breathing slowing. He stands above her, simply staring at the unbelievable combination of strength and vulnerability.

John leans over her, careful not to let his skin touch hers. She's staring at him with amusement. "You really think you can break me?"

He studies her face. "I must admit, you are stubborn."

She grins. "Lots of practice."

"How's that score by the way?"

Her brows rise. "I'd go with 15."

"Hmm," he sighs. He hadn't been willing to let go completely on that front. "We'll have to work on that." Then he smiles at her. "Later."

Her eyes narrow. "What do you mean…later?"

But he simply grins and starts kissing her neck, gentle, feather-light grazes. Only his mouth and tongue touch her skin and anytime she tries to get more of him, he firmly pushes her back down. He traps her hands under her, not effectively, but it does work for the most part as he feasts on her breasts again. She moans, lifting herself up toward him, giving herself to him…but at the same time, not giving in. He knows what to do, what makes her lose herself completely. His tongue dips into her belly button and she giggles. But as he continues his travels even lower, her head pops up. "That's cheating!"

She doesn't have much time to protest, however, as her body trembles at his intimate invasion. She arches against him, murmuring incoherently. At one point he does hear the word 'bastard', however, and it makes him chuckle.

Jax writhes under his attack, panting and crying out. When he knows she's almost there, he stops once again, climbs over her, positioning himself so that she can feel him so close but still out of reach. "Tell me, Jax," he moans. "How old are you?"

She's trembling with need and he can see tears dripping over her temples. "Okay," she gasps, fiercely catching his gaze.

He lowers himself just a touch…exactly a touch and her hips vainly rise to meet him. "So," he whispers against her mouth, teasing her lips with his own.

"Finish first…then I'll tell you."

John smirks. "You first."

Her eyes grab onto his and he's lost in that intense chocolate gaze. "Please, Johnny…"

He captures her mouth as he does as she begs. She clings to him, wrapping her legs around his, her fingers digging into his back and they move together hard and fast. He grips her hips, pulling closer even as he lunges forward. He's grunting into her neck and she's moaning against his shoulder as they continue to collide. Then she's crying out for him and then he's calling her name in a rush of bliss.

They stay a tangle of limbs and he nibbles at her neck. "You're turn."

Her fingers rummage through his hair, playing with it at the base of his neck, knowing how tantalizing that is to him. She takes a deep breath and sighs. "I can't believe you gave up so easily."

John pulls back. "What?" She laughs, her eyes ablaze with delight. John's astounded. "You said you'd tell me."

She laughs even harder. "I didn't promise." Her fingers caress his pout.

With a groan, his face drops into her mess of curls. "You're evil."

She kisses his ear. "I know."

John rolls away and they both reposition themselves on the bed, her head resting on his shoulder. He plays with her hair as she tickles his chest. "So you're never gonna tell me?"

"Is it that important?"

John shrugs. "Just like to know if I'm a dirty old man robbing the cradle or not."

She gazes up at him with the most honest eyes he's seen on her yet. "You'll never be old, John." Then she tosses her right leg over him and rolls so that she's lying on top and can look right into his eyes. "And you're impossibly sexy when dirty."

He laughs at that. She's definitely got him where she wants him. He still can't believe she lied to him so easily. How could he not have seen that? Seen something in her eyes to tell him she was still hiding from him. Sure she says she trusts him, but…can he trust her?

She's watching him again. Her single brow arches and all he thinks is: damn that's hot! She licks her lips and cocks her head. "How old do you think I am?"

Oh, that's a trick question aiming to get me in trouble. "I don't know," he chuckles. "That's the whole point."

"What do you think?"

"Well, I'm assuming, given the information…"

She shakes her head. "No, John. How old do I seem?"

He sighs heavily and stares at her for a long moment. She's not a kid, he knows that. She's had too much life taken away. "Physically…I'm going the safe route with 25. But…"

Her eyes widen with curiosity. "But?"

"Don't hit me. You seem older…like early 30's maybe."

She sniffs, puckers her lips in the most adorable fashion and seems to consider his answer thoughtfully. Then she leans in and tempts him with a feathery kiss. "Then you can't possibly be robbing the cradle…right?"

He's not so sure. "Depends on if I'm right or not."

Before she kisses him, she smiles. "Pretend you are."

John's lost in the taste of her kiss. So they're making up for lost time. At least that's how he's going to rationalize this in the morning when he steps into the briefing room barely awake, sore everywhere but wearing an enormous grin plastered on his face.

She starts to move, rubbing her glorious chest against his, as one hand dives lower, gently teasing him. Even after the last workout, his body instantly responds to her touch as always. His excitement builds to the point of no return. Jax breaks away from his lips. Her hands rest on his chest as she pushes herself up until she's sitting on his lap, rocking in slow circles, driving him completely nuts as his arousal increases exponentially.

John has to hold her, touch her all over. He sits up and wraps his arms around her back, squeezing her body in a tight embrace as his mouth finds the pulsing artery on her neck. Her head falls back and she moans with pleasure as her fingers dig into his hair again.

Once he's ready, Jax smiles, kisses him for a long moment before gripping his shoulders and moving with definite purpose. His hands glide to her hips as she rises and drops with increasing speed, massaging him with those all powerful muscles. He captures a breast his mouth and she pushes at the back of his head, crushing him to her chest so he can devour even more of her.

John moves to the other side and she gasps a hollow 'yes' as she continues to drive them into a pleasure-filled frenzy. It's not long before they both cry out again, this time completely spent. John drops backward onto the bed as his whole body spasms and Jax collapses on top of him.

Moment's later, she's lying beside him, smiling as a soft golden glow appears behind her dark hair, almost encircling the top of her head. She looks unbelievably beautiful in that light, ethereal even. He's amazed by her, how she makes him…he feels warm, calm and full of peace as Jax touches her lips to his with a gentle kiss. As she pulls away, their eyes lock and the words rush forth before he even thinks about them. "I love you."

There's a gasp and they both turn, seeing someone at the open door. "Elizabeth," he sighs.