~ 19 ~

"Dr. Weir?"

Elizabeth sits up abruptly when she feels a gentle touch on her shoulder. There's a piece of paper plastered to her cheek and she realizes she once again fell asleep on her desk. Her blurry vision takes a moment to clear. "Oh…Jax."

The younger woman chuckles softly as she carefully peels the paper from Elizabeth's face. "All work and no sleep makes Dr. Weir a cranky leader, you know."

Elizabeth tries not to blush with embarrassment as she leans back into her chair. "I was sleeping," she says with a bit of irony. "You woke me."

Jax folds her arms as she leans a hip against the desk. "You know that's not restful. You'll get a kink in your neck that'll last a week."

Elizabeth can already feel the twinge and knows the masseuse is right on target. She sighs, ignoring the sharp pain for the moment. "Why are you up so late?"

"Early, actually. I'm on my way back to PXT-705. It's nearly lunchtime there." She motions to the tech at the dialing device. "He's just waiting for your OK."

Elizabeth nods. "Right." She looks Jax over. "Are you feeling better?"

She offers a slight smile, but it doesn't reach her eyes. "Sure. All kinds of relaxed."

"No more homicidal tendencies, I take it?" Elizabeth grins.

Jax smirks, tilting her head to the left. "Not right now…but Dr. McKay is…well…"

"Dr. McKay," Elizabeth finishes with another nod. "I'm sure you can keep him in his place."

"Dr. Beckett's ordered me to return after sixteen hours. I don't think even McKay can drive me to murder in that time."

Elizabeth's brows rise. "You obviously don't know him very well." They chuckle at Rodney's expense. Elizabeth can see something's unsettling Jax. "Is everything all right? You're not ill—"

She holds up a hand. "No, no. Dr. Beckett's just being a mother hen…you know. Not that I mind. He's a sweet man."

Elizabeth agrees. She gets up and pulls at the hem of her jacket, straightening it. "So…ready to go?"

Jax sighs as she slips away from the desk and brings her arms around her back, clasping her hands. She looks pensive; troubled. With a flick of her hand, the office door closes. "You once mentioned we could talk…as friends."

Elizabeth spreads her hands. "Of course."

Jax nods, taking a step closer to the desk. "So…can I call you Liz?"

Elizabeth grimaces then grins. "Beth works for me."

Jax nods. "Okay. Beth." She takes a deep breath and holds it for a long moment. Her eyes narrow and seem to be searching Elizabeth's. "As your friend, I'm telling you: don't let him get away."

"What?"

Jax presses her lips together before taking a step closer. Her eyes are dark but full of emotion…caring. "You mumble in your sleep."

"Mumble?"

Her brows raise matching Elizabeth's astonished look. "About John."

That nearly throws her against the wall. She had been having a dream about the man…one of many she's had nearly since their first meeting back in Antarctica. She thought she had herself under pretty good wraps, but if she's talking in her sleep…damn, anyone could have heard anything!

Jax smiles softly. "It's okay. It's not like you were yelling or making sex noises."

Now she's uncomfortable. She gets embarrassed easily, she knows. It's not like she's had a lot of practice with girl-talk. Especially with someone so…young. "Good to know." Her eyes widen. "What did I say?"

Jax's eyes close then and she takes a deep breath. Her arms wrap tightly around her, a hug of comfort. "Same thing as him, actually." Her eyes open and Elizabeth can see sadness and then…nothing. Somehow Jax flips a mental switch; her eyes cool and her face turns slack. Do not play poker with this woman.

"What happened, Jax?"

She flips a hand. "It's not important…to me. But it is to you. To the both of you."

"I don't understand."

Jax hugs herself even tighter. She drops her gaze and stares at her feet, tapping her toes on the floor. "I won't come between you." She catches Elizabeth's gaze again. "I can't." She bites her bottom lip, a little too hard and Elizabeth's sure she'll see blood in a moment. "Whatever reasons you have for not being together…" She shakes her head. "There're not worth it."

Elizabeth's breath catches and her heart slams into her chest. "But—"

Jax holds up her hand. "No. There're not worth it," she says again, emphasizing each word.

"What are you saying? Are you and he not…"

Jax hangs her head, again studying her feet. "Together?" She bobs a nod. "Physically…" she glances up and Elizabeth can see she isn't saying this to cause pain, only being honest. "And I'll stay with him as long as I'm welcome. But I'm not who he wants."

"I don't believe that, Jax. I've seen you together. And trust me, he's happy with you." Elizabeth comes around her desk, closing the distance between them. "And I know you're happy with him."

She lifts her head, sucking air through her nose then sighs heavily. "I think…he settled for what he could have. Because you denied him." Their eyes lock and Elizabeth has to look away. "Tell me I'm wrong." When Elizabeth doesn't say anything…can't say anything, Jax turns toward the door tossing a glance over her shoulder. "Friend to friend, Beth, just kiss him…once." She narrows her gaze, her mouth quirking into a wicked half-smirk. "I dare you."

I dare you.

Those three little words kept her from sleeping the rest of the night. Elizabeth tossed and turned in her bed. Jax said nothing more as she went down the stairs and waited for the wormhole to engage. But as she stepped up to the event horizon, she glanced back at Elizabeth. And in much the same way as John does, she waved and smiled: a friendly smile with a hint of mischief in it that sent a shiver down Elizabeth's spine.

She actually means for me to do it. In that dare, she was practically ordering Elizabeth to take the chance. Risk everything in one moment. Perhaps it's not such a bad idea. One kiss. Could mean nothing. Could mean everything. How long has she wanted to do exactly that? Just to know what it's like to touch John's lips, feel him close.

But she's also been terrified of that exact thing. What if in that moment she realizes she can't go on without him…but he can without her? Their friendship would never be the same. He would forever look upon her with pity.

He said it. He said he loves me.

Weeks ago. And then I walked away. He could hate me now for all I know.

But Jax wasn't lying. She covered it up quickly enough, but the sadness in her eyes was real. She told Elizabeth the painful truth. She threw down the gauntlet basically. Giving Elizabeth the opportunity to fight for the man she loves.

But I can't! He's my second in command. Caldwell…Landry, they'd use this to take away Atlantis from at least one of us. And this is our home.

What have I done? In her effort to push John into Jax arms has she made things worse for Jax? The woman clearly adores him. But to love someone and know they don't love you back…it's worse than being alone. And just like Elizabeth, Jax feels John would only be happy with someone else and is willing to give him up just to make sure he is happy.

Elizabeth can't fathom that he would have said or done something to hurt Jax. Not consciously. But subconsciously? She hinted that he'd said something, probably in his sleep. He's more than likely not even aware of it.

The gate activates as Elizabeth's on her way out of the office. The technician gives her the affirmative on the IDC. "It's the research team ma'am. They're bringing back the removable artifacts from the lab for study."

Elizabeth nods. "Lower the shield."

Everyone comes through the gate except Rodney and Jax. Rodney wants to stay as long as possible and squeeze all he can from Jax ability to jumpstart the lab. Elizabeth found Rodney's theory about Jax being an actual descendant of Janus fascinating indeed.

Maybe that's why I like her so much. Of course, according to Rodney, it could just be the pheromones. He does have a point about her popularity since that incident. Seems quite a few people like Jax. Elizabeth would go so far as to say they adore her and feel that she can do no wrong.

Except Rodney. She has to smile at that one. Of all the people in the city not to be affected by Jax's pheromones, it'd have to be the one person who made it all happen…accidentally of course.

Still. Elizabeth liked her before then and so did many others like Carson, Jack and Ronon. Though she managed to keep a low profile, Jax seemed pleasant to be around. Well, for the most part.

Downstairs, the others stroll in. From the looks of it, the scientists are all really excited about the discoveries. They're chatting incessantly as they head toward the labs with their boxes. Elizabeth waves hello to them and she's spotted by Dr. Katriana Morgan who rushes up the stairs. "Dr. Weir?"

"Yes."

"Dr. McKay and Jax are remaining. He's inclined to download the database into the portable hard drives as much as possible."

"Good," Elizabeth smiles and nods ready to leave the doctor to her work.

"Your pardon, doctor…Jax did wish me to relay a message." Elizabeth's not sure she wants to hear it, but nods. The brit's brow wrinkles in confusion. "She said: 'Tell her, I double-dare her to get a full physical.'" Elizabeth can feel the blush rising from her neck into her cheeks. Dr. Morgan's confusion turns to concern. "Are you quite all right, Dr. Weir? You aren't ill are you?"

Elizabeth waves a hand. "I'm fine. It's a…personal joke…between friends."

Dr. Morgan nods, but her eyes narrow. "I see. Very well. I'm quite certain you have much work to do."

Elizabeth jabs a thumb over her shoulder at the briefing room. "Meeting, actually." Dr. Morgan nods again then quickly heads down the corridor. Elizabeth doesn't know if she should laugh or start making a homicide list of her own. Jax might be quite the handful as a friend. A double-dare indeed!

Taking a deep breath, she counts to ten then goes into the briefing room in a rush. Two teams of eyes turn to her immediately; the only set missing is, of course, Rodney. Major Lorne's team and Col. Sheppard's are preparing for two separate off-world missions.

His eyes settle on her the moment she enters and before he has a chance to cover, she sees guilt there. She knows that look, seen it countless times when they've lost a member of the expedition. John always takes those losses personally, as does Elizabeth. But this look is different, fleeting, and Elizabeth gets a sharp pang in her chest. She clears her throat and starts the briefing as she takes her seat. "Major Lorne. Doctors Brown and Nileson will be joining your team to planet M2Z-546 to study the resources and ruins you found on the last trip. The planet is unpopulated, correct?"

"According to the scan, yes. I might add, if all parameters are met, 546 would make a decent beta site as the gate is on the planet. The Wraith ships have already passed it by."

Elizabeth nods. "Good to know." She glances at John, but doesn't meet his gaze. Her eyes continuously lower to his lips. I dare you. She has to shake her head to remove Jax's voice from inside. He does have great lips. No. Stop it. This is business. "Col. Sheppard. I understand you don't believe a second trip to M7D-343 is necessary?"

He leans back in his chair rather slowly and a slight wrinkle in his forehead tells her he's stiff, probably from sparring with Teyla or Ronon. "It's a wasteland. Literally."

"How do you mean?"

He cocks his head. "Seems it's actually used as a dumping ground for a lot of other planets. Garbage."

That's a first. Elizabeth never realized some of the populations out here could be as destructive to natural environments as they are on Earth. "Really." He nods, making a face. She asks, "Any signs of civilization?"

John shakes his head. "We circled the planet, ran scans. There's nothing there."

"Very well. I do have another address. P4T-320." She shows them the gate symbols. "Initial recon only, nothing overt."

"I know this planet," Ronon says. "We don't want to go there."

Elizabeth's eyes widen. "Why not? Wraith?"

Ronon glances at Teyla and she smirks slightly before shaking her head. Elizabeth catches the looked between them. "Teyla? What is it?"

The Athosian woman sighs trying to hold in a chuckle. "I know of this address as well, Dr. Weir. The planet is named Phobos. It is not a place to send…" she clears her throat. "Men."

Now Elizabeth's intrigued. She looks around at the confusion coursing through the men in the room. "Please explain."

Ronon and Teyla share another interesting glance then she leans forward and rests her hands on the table. "The population is primarily female and they also make up the entire government. They are spirited warriors, healers and farmers. However, they are not as inclined to…associate with men as we are used to."

Elizabeth's brows wrinkle. She can tell that Teyla is doing her best not to offend anyone. "Just tell me straight out."

Teyla clears her throat again and a little smile curls her lips. "Men are quite rare there and are considered…property on this world. Slaves."

Elizabeth can see the red rising in Ronon's face. Obviously the 'slave' part isn't the entire story. "As in…?"

Ronon sighs heavily and Teyla's hand covers his. She looks Elizabeth directly in the eyes. "For means of pleasure and procreation…only."

Ah…"I see."

"One male may be required to service up to ten females," Teyla adds for clarification, but Elizabeth already got it and gives Teyla a slim smile as silent permission to stop explaining.

John leans in, staring hard at Ronon. Obviously he understands Teyla's explanation as well. "And you left there? On purpose?"

The men on Lorne's team chuckle but are silenced by a glance from Ronon. "When I convinced them of the tracking device, they permitted me to leave. Yes." He growls. "But there were others who could not escape." He glares at the snickering soldiers. "Many would have preferred a Wraith culling."

That silences the snickers instantly. Elizabeth claps her hands. "Okay then. No P4T-320." She starts to rise. "Then, Colonel, your team is on stand-down for today. Unless you have—"

"No…" he looks to Teyla and Ronon. "We're good."

"Very well. Major…your team should be ready to leave in an hour."

Lorne nods. "Yes, ma'am."

"Dismissed." Everyone disperses and Elizabeth heads to her office. She can feel John following, though he seems a little indecisive about it. She glances over her shoulder; he's moving slower than usual, but there's a silly grin on his face. Shaking her head, she continues to her office. By the time she's sitting at her desk, he manages to arrive at her door, looking sheepish.

He knocks even though the door his open. "Can I come in?"

She waves him forward. "Something I can do for you, John?" That guilty look flashes in his eyes again, but is quickly displaced by another grin. "John?"

~ 19.5 ~

He can't get the dream out of his head. At first he hadn't even realized it was a dream, until things got…weird.

The look on Elizabeth's face when she stood in that doorway, hearing him declare his feelings to Jax made his heart hurt. And then the players switched on him. Jax was in the doorway and Elizabeth was lying next to him in the bed and the same feelings were clearly for Elizabeth, but the look on Jax's face made his heart hurt. It's the runaway trains colliding with him standing in the middle of the tracks and he's powerless to stop the ensuing bloodbath.

John has no illusions that if he chooses to stay with Jax, Elizabeth will slip further out of his grasp, their friendship will remain, but on a different level. And should she find someone—he can't…no he won't be able to see her with another man—it would kill him! But at the same time, if he ends things with Jax, she'll cut herself off from him completely and he can't even consider losing that connection. He wants them both. And he knows that's wrong. It's unfair to all three of them to be torn this way. Damn, Dr. Heightmeyer could probably write a book based on his indecisiveness.

It's odd for Elizabeth to be the last one into a briefing. She looks tired and on edge which shoots to the core of John's protectiveness. She's not getting enough sleep, not eating enough…she's under too much stress. She needs to relax. If she'd only let him help…

Elizabeth clears her throat and starts the briefing as she takes her seat. "Major Lorne."

God, what is wrong with me! I just spent several hours with another woman doing a whole lot of relaxing and yet here I am, staring at my boss and contemplating—someone just shoot me now!

Elizabeth nods. "Good to know."

He tries to meet her gaze. Sometimes he can tell just by looking at her what's wrong. But she's not being cooperative. She's straightforward with everyone else, but with him, she's avoiding his eyes. Where is she looking, his chin?

The meeting progresses rather quickly, and he's pretty much on autopilot through the whole thing; answering when required, but not really listening. His attention is split between wanting to look into Elizabeth's eyes and determine what's wrong versus thinking about why Jax didn't say goodbye when she left—and why didn't she take her bag this time?

When he woke in Jax's room alone, he wasn't surprised to find she'd set the alarm on her way out. He's noticed little things about her: she worries about others, does the unexpected to make their lives easier. Like with Teyla and Ronon. John knows how attached Jax is to Ronon. She relies on him more than anyone. Their TV show 'dates' are one of her biggest joys in life besides skating. Something she admitted to John during their bubble bath yesterday. At the time, John didn't think much of it. She was really tired and babbling about a lot of things. Including giggling about getting almost orgasmic tingles from a bottle, which he really wanted her to elaborate on but she fell asleep.

This secret attention to others sheds a lot of light on Jax's priorities. John knows, from Ronon, that Jax has cancelled the last couple of dates, choosing instead to turn in early—though John seriously doubts she slept—which required Ronon to find something else to do with his time. And somehow Teyla happened to be available at exactly those times. John's sure that the sacrifices on Jax's part is precisely why he now catches Teyla and Ronon discretely holding hands or giving each other significant glances.

Like now. What's this about a planet full of women and male sex slaves? "And you left there? On purpose?" he asks Ronon.

In his usual gruff manner, Ronon explains and then Elizabeth adjourns the meeting. Having nothing to do for the rest of the day leaves John with…nothing to do, actually. He sees the look Teyla gives Ronon and as the two leave, John catches Ronon's hand firmly on Teyla's upper arm, guiding her away and down the corridor.

Looks like I'm not gonna be the only one getting a workout.

If things were normal, he'd follow Elizabeth and bother her for a while. So why doesn't he? She obviously needs some distraction from work. I could get her to play hooky. He knocks even though the door his open. "Can I come in?"

She waves him forward. "Something I can do for you, John?"

Her voice spins him back into that dream. It's not the words she used, but close enough. As Jax turned to leave, the door closed and Elizabeth's hand skimmed his chest so delicately his breath caught. "I have something for you, John," she said, then kissed him.

"John?"

He shakes his head, clearing the cobwebs. "No…I'm good. I was wondering…you hungry?"

She points to the half-eaten muffin on her desk. "Not really."

John cocks his head. "That's not a decent breakfast. You need real food."

She flashes her professional 'I'm humoring him' grin. "I have real work to do."

John scratches at his head. He's in a bind and knows it. She must see something's wrong because she gets up, closes the door then leans a hip against her desk. "What is it?" Her eyes are filled with concern.

He takes a deep breath and then spills. "Here's the thing…I'm in an impossible situation and I need advice, so like any guy I'm supposed to go to my best friend. The problem is is that my best friend is part of the situation, the impossible one..." She starts to say something but he's too fast and cuts her off. "And so going to my best friend for advice may be in my best interest, but not necessarily the thing to do because said best friend could get hurt...and I can't live with that."

John closes the gap between them, capturing her eyes. There's a combination of worry and panic in her jade gaze. She licks her lips and his eyes instantly go there, but a moment later he's staring into hers again. "You've been pulling your best friend card out of the deck since I told you I love you."

"I'm sorry, but it's the only—"

"Dammit. It's not the only way!"

"John…"

"I only started seeing Jax because you told me to."

"But I've seen you together. You like her."

"I'm in-love with her," he says rather quickly, forgetting for a moment who his best friend really is. "Oh, god, Elizabeth I'm sorry."

She's obviously shocked by the announcement, but manages to shake it off as she leaves her desk and moves towards the back of her office, far away from him. "It's all right. I already figured that out, remember."

John follows her. "Well, I just realized it. And…it's driving me crazy."

"What…why?"

He grabs her by the upper arms, holding her firmly. "Because I'm still in-love with you." Her hands flatten against his chest. She doesn't even try to pull away. Her eyes won't meet his; she's focusing on his lips. John leans in closer until she's forced to look at him, see him. "Do you want me to kiss you, Liz?" Even to him his voice sounds like a husky growl.

"I…no…I—"

But he does anyway and it's…amazing. It's innocent and timid, but so right. And she's kissing him back. A tiny whimper escapes from her throat and her hands grip his collar, pulling him closer. He immediately releases her arms and one of his hands goes to the back of her neck as the other finds the small of her back. He brings her body in line with his; she's so soft against him, fitting perfectly. John moans with longing. Their lips part and each welcomes a deeper, more passionate kiss.

When they finally separate, they're both panting. John doesn't release his hold on her; instead, he grazes her cheek with his lips until he reaches her ear and whispers. "Tell me how to choose…please." Her forehead hits his shoulder and her body's shaking. He realizes that she's silently crying and he gently grasps her face then lifts her head so he can look at her. She sighs as tears drip down her cheeks. "Tell me you don't love me, Elizabeth."

"I…can't." She exhales hard; a shudder runs through her.

"Then tell me you don't want me like I want you." Her eyes drop and she shakes her head. John sighs. "So the only reason we aren't together is because of work?"

Her eyes meet his again, this time full of fire. "I love my job, John. I love it. But I can't do it without you. Without your support and your expertise. I can't risk losing you…not for anything."

Taking a deep breath, she steps away, turns her back on him and wipes her hands over her face to clear the tears. But John's not ready to give up just yet. He clasps his hands to her shoulders, squeezing slightly and presses his mouth to her cheek. He can feel the shiver that runs through her at his touch. "What if we could make it work? Make everyone see that our feelings won't get in the way."

She turns and faces him. "But they already do, John. Don't you get that? Everyone knows I worry about your team more than the others. Whenever you get into trouble…get hurt—"

"Is that ever going to change?" Elizabeth shakes her head and his heart does a happy dance. Not that he enjoys making her worry, but the fact that she does makes him feel special. "Does it effect how you run things? How often you send my team off-world?"

"No."

"Does it make you question your judgment and give me special treatment?"

"No."

"Does it keep you from kicking my ass when I make a call you don't agree with?"

She gives a little smile. "No."

"Then there's no problem."

She bites her lip and closes her eyes. With a shake of her head, she asks, "And what about Jax?"

And there it is. It's rather a sharp pain, that icicle that stabs right into his heart, nearly stopping it. The entire reason for coming in here was to figure out how to solve his dilemma and yet there's still no solution. He is in-love with Jax. He can't walk away from her anymore than he can walk away from Elizabeth.

"She's so in-love with you John."

She is? He catches Elizabeth's haunted gaze. "She said that?" Would that make things easier, knowing that I have two women voicing their love for me?

"She didn't have to." Elizabeth drops to the edge of her sofa. "She practically offered to give you up."

"What?"

"I don't know what happened, but…something did. She thinks you chose her as the consolation prize. That you don't really want her."

A sudden return to the dream and he remembers his exact words. I love you followed by Elizabeth. God! If he said that out loud…if Jax heard that…!

Elizabeth sighs, flashing a strained smile. "And by the look of shock and terror you're sporting, I'm assuming she's wrong."

John scrubs his hands over his face and groans. "This whole thing is wrong!"

Elizabeth comes over and rubs his shoulder sending electric jolts right through him. "I've told you that I'm not willing to risk losing Atlantis…not even to be with you. Shouldn't that make it easier?"

"You'd think, huh." But it doesn't. He can see the pain in her eyes. He knows what's in her heart as well as his own. And he knows what she tastes like now. And he wants more…all of her. John shakes his head. "Women!"

And Elizabeth chuckles coolly. "Can't live with 'em…can't shoot 'em." Off his raised brows, she adds: "That's what my dad always used to say."

"I think I need to go…talk with Jax."

She smiles, all professional again. "That can easily be—"

The city-wide alarm blares jarring both of them. "Unscheduled off-world activation!" Chuck declares over the speaker system. John and Elizabeth rush out of her office to the Control board. Chuck glances at them. "It's Dr. McKay's IDC."

Elizabeth nods. "Lower the shield."

Moments pass with no one coming through. Elizabeth clicks her headset. "Rodney?" She looks at John and shakes her head. "Dr. McKay…are you there?"

John looks towards the wormhole. Suddenly two bodies fly backwards through the event horizon and land hard on the floor. John races down the stairs, feeling Elizabeth follow on his heels. McKay's howling and gripping his right shoulder. There's an unknown man lying unconscious next to him, a gun in his hand. The gate squad immediately disarms the man and keeps him under guard.

John gets to McKay's side. He's writhing in pain, his face beet red and his arm dangling oddly. John recognizes a dislocated shoulder on sight. "Beckett, medical emergency in the gate room," he says into the headset.

"Rodney, what happened?" Elizabeth asks.

McKay looks dazed and in too much pain to pay attention. John kneels next to him, grabs his face in two hands and forces the scientist to focus. "McKay! Where's Jax?"

For a moment there's no recognition in the man's eyes. And then they widen, alert and horrified and John's heart leaps into his throat. With his free hand McKay points at the other man. "He shot her…she's dead!"