Goodbye and Hello
Disclaimer: Own nothing except a heavy heart
Life is subject to change.
I wasn't supposed to fall in love, especially not with him. I wonder if maybe it was just sheer stupidity?
Stupidity? I asked myself. I don't love him, he's just like a goal. Or so everyone says. Does that mean that I do love him.
So he's dating my friend, then they break up, then he tells a guy I want to date (even if it only to make him jealous) that we shouldn't date, but then worst of all...
He got a girl pregnant, not good. Not, not good. I don't want to believe it, I don't want to, can't this just go away?
I don't want to talk to him, I won't talk to him. I love him yet he'll never love me...
But why does he care so much about me, simply enough he's my friend. So as my friend he has to tell me and he has to look out for me.
Right...or maybe, maybe not. Why did he do this! Just tell me why answer my questions. Please someone answer me.
Wasn't he the one who told my brother that he liked his virginity? Wasn't he the one who made the big deal of being the only virgin of the baseball team? Wasn't he the one who was so honest and pure?
Or at least that's what he always seemed like to me. He was my friend, my crush, but in the end I ended up crushed.
My heart is in shatters on the floor and my tears don't feel like they'll stop falling. As I cry my tears make a pattern on the floor, it's a simple pattern, it looks sort of like a...
Heart. But it's broken with a cut through the middle. So what does that mean?
Does that mean that my tears can tell the truth, that my heart is in pain, that my eyes are never ending pools?
Maybe the pattern will soften. Maybe my heart will heal. Maybe I'm lying.
Maybe I'm just being an idiot, he's just a boy, just a boy who I thought was perfect, just a boy who I thought would never hurt me, just a boy who seemed to give the world a life, just a boy who made me laugh, just a boy who made me happy to be alive, just a boy who meant the world to me.
But that's just it isn't it? I made him seem so great, that when he did something wrong it was catastrophic.
There it is again, he's not allowed to make mistakes. I know that's not fair, he's human or so he says.
Maybe that was the problem, he wasn't human to me. He was more, he was beautiful, he was perfection.
Perfection, just another word for someone who can't be touched. Someone too great.
Maybe that was my problem, if he was so perfect why would he ever want me?
Of course he'd want a pretty, college girl, who'd give him what he wanted.
But he says he didn't even realize he wanted it. He says it was a mistake, he says that if he could go back he'd never have done it, he says a lot but mostly I don't hear him.
"I hate you Martin."
I say and I really mean it of course I mean it. I hate him, I hate him, I hate him, I hate him. How could he have done this and ruined everything that could have been.
"I hate me too, Ruthie."
He says this and I know he means it. I know he hates himself more then I can ever hate him.
So maybe it's not worth hating him because I love him and that'll never change.
But I wish it would. If I didn't love him then him holding me wouldn't hurt.
I just wish I could push him away, so that he'd never feel the uncontrollable sobs shake through my body, into his.
So when his arms, snake around my back and my head lands on his chest, I wish it didn't feel so good.
That's a problem, a huge problem. It feels good, being touched by him, it shouldn't but it does.
"Martin, I am so mad at you right now. I don't want you to hug me."
So I step away from him, slowly his arms draw away from my back.
Within a minute I become cold and I cry again and I lied as now I wish he'd hold me again.
Somehow he knows that and I am back in his arms.
I can hear him whispering something in my ear. I don't hear what it was. I make out a few words.
"Your my best friend, you don't deserve this. Your too perfect to have to deal with me."
There it was again that word.
Perfect, what does that even mean. I'm not perfect, I'm sitting here crying into a boy-man's arms, one who's having a baby.
That's when I feel it, a tear rolls down his cheek and lands on mine.
I reach up and kiss him, it doesn't make sense.
Not at all. Why would I choose now to show him how I feel.
That's it, I know why. I know exactly why. Because I'll never have another chance. So I kiss him with all the feeling I have left and with that I know I'm saying goodbye, or at least that's what it feels like.
"Ruthie, what are you doing?"
"Just what I have to do. Martin, I hate you but you need to know I love you. But now that-well you know, I need to do it before it's too late. This isn't exactly ideal but I love you. That's never going to change even if right now I never want to talk to you again and you are going to be a father."
"Ruthie, I'm not marrying her, that I swear and I just realized it, no that's not true, I guess I've always kind of had it in the back of my mind, I love you too."
I kissed him again, in what didn't feel like a goodbye, but a hello.
I guess life is subject to change.
A/N: Based on the preview for next weeks episode, I can not wait for that! Okay well um here's a little one shot for you. I swear I haven't quit my other story, it's just I'm having a bit of writers block on it. I'll come back to it, I swear. I think I might do a sequel one shot to this one. I kind of have an idea for a sequel well please review guys and gals...
By the way that episode was spectacular, like whoa. I was all into it. I had three calls I don't get what peoples problems are they know I don't answer anything on Mondays between 8 and 9 but I guess some will never realize it. Stupid. Okay ttfn.