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Chapter 10 – Of Desires and DreamsNumair walked down a long corridor. He was uncertain where he was. He had never been here before. He was sure that he should have some idea, but the mental focus he needed to figure it out was just not there. The walls were stone. The floor was covered in compacted dirt – or maybe it was a dirt floor. He was not sure. It just was not important. All that was important was to keep walking forward.
There was light. He was not sure of its source. Should this not bother him? It seemed like he might be underground. But then, he was sure he had never been here before. There were three doors ahead of him, where the corridor became wider and branched. Each door was marked with crude symbols in faintly glowing paint. There was a tree on one, a bird on the next, and a blocky symbol that looked reminiscent of a gallows. He didn't know why he chose that last without hesitation, but it led to a staircase which he followed down, down, down.
Now he knew where he was. This was the emperor's prison. He had seen it from the inside many years ago. And there in the first cell was Daine. She was dirty and naked. She wore only the hateful collar that controlled her mind. And Ozorne was there. He was torturing her – making her do things to please him. Numair cried her name but no sound escaped. She had that dead hollow look again. The emperor laughed sadistically and she turned to him. Was that a glimmer of recognition? Suddenly she started to change. Bare skin became spotted fur, her delicate features stretched into a powerful muzzle and jaw.
The collar burst from the female hyena's neck and she sank her teeth into Ozorne's throat. She ripped and tore flesh and sinew. Blood spurted. The victim never had a chance to cry out. The hyena pushed at the barred door. It had Daine's blue-gray eyes, but something was wrong. Numair reached out with his magic and saw her mind splinter and capsize in madness.
Numair awoke with a gasp. On the edge of his consciousness he smelled that same musky odor from the night before, only this time he noticed it immediately instead of understanding hours later. That scent was familiar but he couldn't place it. He looked around for some clue to its origin. His room was empty and nothing seemed disturbed from how he left it. The sky was still dark and the dream clung to him, beckoning.
He didn't really remember putting on a robe, or setting up the invisibility spell. He only vaguely remembered leaving his room and tapping lightly on her door and letting himself in when no answer came. But there he was, in the dead of night, standing in Daine's room. She was fine and sound asleep. She was lying on her side with her face to the edge of the bed closest to the window. Zek and Kitten snuggled in at her back. Kitten heard the door and looked around. But Numair became visible before she could whistle alarm, and he put his finger to his lips. He walked closer to the bed and whispered to Kitten, "I don't want to wake her. I just needed to check." Kitten watched warily but seemed to decide that since it was Numair it was okay. She snuggled back in.
Numair crouched by the edge of the bed, studying Daine's face. She didn't move at all or give any indication she could feel his presence. She was beautiful this way. Her skin seemed to glow in the moonlight. Her soft lips were closed. Her eyes flickered behind closed eyelids in dream. Her curls spread over the pillow leaving an almost artistic pattern. One curl had slipped in front of her eyes and he brushed it back softly. Her mouth curled up at the edges in a smile. Numair had the sudden overwhelming urge to press his lips to hers. A breathless excitement filled him at the thought of it and for an instant he almost succumbed. He even found that he had leaned in. Shocked at himself, he stood quickly. What was that? He leaned against the window, breathing deeply.
When he felt like he could move again, Numair walked quietly to the door. He resumed his invisibility spell and crept back to his room. Once inside he sat on the edge of his bed and tried to process everything that had happened or almost happened.
I am not a lustful teenager and I refuse to act like one, he thought to himself. He reviewed the rules he had set for himself regarding his attraction. And, he thought about what the consequences of such a kiss might have been. It was not good. He could picture Daine waking to find his mouth pressed to hers. Since she had gone to sleep alone, she would have wondered who it was. She would pull away, see Numair and scream loudly -- or worse, transform into something large and hairy with big claws and lethal teeth. And then it would be over – he could no longer teach her. He doubted if she would want him near her for any reason.
The truth was Numair had learned as much from Daine as she had from him. She lacked refinement, but she was so practical and honest. She could cut to the heart of a matter by reducing it to its simplest form. When they discussed things, she was able to remove the complicated clutter and see the real picture. He had learned that from her. He had also learned so much about animals and begun to see the world in a different way that made it new and exciting again. There was no one he trusted more. She always had his back and he never had to question it. Her friendship meant more to him than he would dare admit to anyone. He would be devastated to lose her. But he would lose her if he gave in to his desires. That was not an option. He put that moment aside and focused on what had taken him there in the first place.
He believed the dreams weren't natural. If they are messages from the Gods then what are they trying to say? He wondered again at the similarities between the erotic dream and the erotic nightmare. Am I doing something that could enslave her? There wasn't anything he could think of. Is that to tell me I desire her and so does Ozorne? Clearly he did desire her, but he would not act on it and it would go away. But maybe Ozorne would act on it. That seemed to fit with everything he knew of Ozorne. It was not unlikely the man would take what was not offered. He also knew that Ozorne had been behind what took place at Dunlath. Perhaps that knowledge was represented in dreams by the collar. The collar in his dreams did not completely control Daine though. She was able to change form. Why would she let him rape her if there was any part of her that could fight? There had to be something else, some outside influence that was pushing Daine.
Back in Tortall, Numair had books that studied dreams. The premise was that some things in dreams are not what they appear to be. He could remember such things as snakes representing troubles or fears and falling representing a feeling of helplessness. He tried to identify the pieces of the three dreams he was working with now. Other than his presence, there was only one thing all the dreams had in common. In all three dreams, Daine was naked. Naked could be what it seemed. Men were naturally attracted to women in a state of undress. Naked could be vulnerable. Is Daine vulnerable? The answer seemed obvious.
The next thing he tried to understand was the collar. Literally, it meant that Daine was being controlled or manipulated. It could either stand for something that Numair feared could happen or something that he was unconsciously aware was happening. Two of the dreams also had Ozorne. Perhaps Ozorne was part of the manipulating or was the reason for it.
The most recent dream showed Daine going mad. Numair shivered uncontrollably. He was disturbed by many facets of that vision. He knew he didn't have control over his dreams and yet he found himself angry that any part of him would use magic to search the girl's mind, but not to free her from her captor. He could not imagine what would make his mind pick a hyena as a form for her. That was one animal he had never seen her change into. She had never even seen them before the recent visit to the emperor's menagerie.
Madness was something she was deeply afraid of. She had avoided actually studying in the first couple of months that he taught her because she was afraid of the madness that had made her run with wolves. He could remember a conversation with her regarding madness. She was still afraid of it as recently as last year, when they visited Dunlath. He had told her then that when he searched her mind he found no genuine seed of madness. She teased that there were those who might think he was a little too touched to be a good judge. But are there not circumstances that push a person over the threshold? He knew this was possible. If she were to tear a man's throat out in hyena form, would that be enough to fracture her mind? If she had been forced into that situation somehow, perhaps it would be. That thought brought him no comfort.
The sky was becoming streaked with bits of light that promised sunrise. Numair gave up on sleep for the night and began to memorize the Carthaki spell books that Lindhall had delivered the night before. These contained the spells that opened the barrier to the divine realms. The emperor wouldn't let them leave the City with these tomes, but they could try to retain as much as possible. He knew Master Harailt would spend all morning in this pursuit. But Numair had other plans, so it was right that he should do his part now.