Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Expect my computer. Everything else belongs to CBS.
Summary: Post ep: "A bullet runs through it" & "Gum drops"
Sara can't let go of Nick's remark at the crime scene. Only Nick doesn't want to talk.
Well, this was just something I come up while thinking about the last episode.
You gave up…
"It was just his time I guess." – she heard him say but said nothing. She simply leaned down and continued to process the car. And she was thankful that Nick looked away. If he didn't he would've seen her fighting with tears. Her mind went back to the moment when she commented that it wasn't his time to die. She meant what she said. It wasn't his time to die. The fact he was standing in front of her proved that. But, she knew he took her comment differently. They were processing a very important crime scene and she didn't want to start a conversation where she couldn't even finish it. So, she did what she did best; she covered herself in work, not showing any emotions.
Later that day, she saw him testing the guns. There was something scary about the scene. And very familiar. She remembered seeing him holding a gun when he was buried alive. She knew he was going to kill himself. She knew that. Even if he was standing in front of her, she was still afraid for him. There was something wrong with him, but she had no idea how to help him. It made her feel completely helpless. She thought she was helping him when he was so involved in a case that involved Cassie. However, it was obvious she was wrong. She wanted him to accept the possibility that she was dead, but not because she was cruel. She just didn't want him to feel lost again. When Cassie was found she was relieved. Nick was saved from a big pain. But, even that didn't seem to help. She felt him slipping, and she felt hopeless.
"Nick?" – she called him from the door.
He didn't turn around and she thought he didn't hear her because of the earphones. She entered the room, feeling very nervous. She wasn't afraid of him. She was afraid for him.
"Nick?" – she called again as she got closer. This time he nodded, but he was still looking down. – "Can I talk to you for a second?"
"I'm busy, Sara. It's a big case."
"I know it's a big case. We're working on it together. But, I still need to talk to you."
He knew she wasn't going to give up.
"OK."
It was only than that she realized she didn't know what to say.
"Well?"
"Are you mad at me?" – she asked quietly. She hoped he would transform into his old self, the Nick she knew; that he would smile and call her crazy for making that assumption. But he wasn't the old Nick anymore. And this Nick didn't show anything to prove her wrong.
"Why do you ask?"
"You threw my words at me at the scene. You're mad at me for saying that to you, aren't you?
He was looking straight into her eyes like he was trying to see what's behind them. And she wasn't looking away. In a way, she wanted to have him before her eyes always. That way, he would never get hurt. She would be there to prevent it. Only now, she saw that her presence was causing him pain.
"I was just making a statement, Sara. Nothing else." – he tried to turn away but she grabbed his arm.
"You're lying, Nick. Tell me why are you so mad at me?" – she was raising her voice, but he didn't even blink.
"What do you want me to say, Sara? "
"I want to know if you're mad at me."
"I don't want to have this conversation."
"Well, tough! I deserve to know!"
"Hey, what's going on here!" – Grissom yelled from the door. He heard the commotion from his office and he didn't want his two CSI's fighting in the middle of a big case.
"Nothing, Gris." – Nick responded, not taking his eyes from Sara. – "I have to take these to Bobby."
He left the room leaving Sara and Grissom in the room.
"Sara, what's going on?" – there was anger in his voice.
Sara looked up and decided that it wasn't his concern.
"Nothing. Just a slight misunderstanding." – she also left the room and headed to her post. Her mind was still fixated on Nick. And being the persuasive person she was, she wasn't going to drop it.
She ran across Nick during the day, but he didn't even glance at her. His face was looking more tired every time she saw him. His wrinkles that always made his face look like he was smiling were now deeper and they made him look old. She decided that she needed help. And that she needs to do one thing she hates. And that was to visit a department counselor.
When her shift was over she went to the familiar office, but didn't feel so scared. She called before to see if it was OK for her to come up, and now she was standing in front of the horrible office, like she called it.
Sara gently knocked on the door and after a quiet come in, she entered.
"Hi, Dr. Mason. Sorry to interrupt."
"No interruption, Miss Sidle. Come in. I have to say, I was surprised that you made this appointment. It was obvious that you couldn't to get fast enough from here the last time." – he chuckled.
"Well, it's an emergency." – her face was serious and dr. Mason motioned her to sit down.
"What can I do for you?"
"I know that this counteracts with the rules, but I need to talk to you about a colleague."
Dr. Mason nodded, but didn't say anything. He knew exactly who the colleague in question was. He knew Sara well, and not only from his meetings with her. Nick Stoked was also his patient and one of the issues he had was related to Sara. Of course, he couldn't tell her that.
"I'm talking about Nick Stokes. I know he's been seeing you. But I'm still afraid for him."
"Afraid?" – Dr. Mason was somewhat surprised. Sure, Nick had problems, but he was nowhere near of being suicidal.
"Yes, he's…ahm…different." – she didn't want to sound paranoid.
"Look, Sara, I can't talk to you about my sessions with Nick. You need to talk to him yourself."
"I've tried!" – she yelled causing dr. Mason to raise his eyebrows. She looked down embarrassed, but she continued. – "He doesn't want to talk to me. We talked once a few weeks ago, and everything was different since than."
Dr. Mason knew exactly what the conversation was, but he let her speak.
"I don't know what I did wrong. I was just trying to help him, but I think I made things even worse. He's closing himself up."
"Does he close up with everyone?" – Dr. Mason quietly asked. Even if he couldn't explain to Sara why Nick was mad, he was there to help her also.
Sara thought about that for a second and her eyes reflected realization. And than sadness.
"No….just with me. And I don't know why! I just…don't know! And it kills me!" – she was on the verge of tears. – "I just want things to be like they were. I want my friend back! I need Nick back! I don't care if he yells at me! I just want him to tell me what I did wrong…" – she was trying hard not to fall apart, but she was failing. The tears started to fall down her face, and she vigorously wiped them away.
"Look, Sara. I'm your councilor and Nick's as well. My job is to help both of you. And the department."
"What are you saying?" – her voice was filled with hope.
"Come back tomorrow around 3. Nick has his appointment and I think this needs to be resolved. I will explain this to him as well. I don't know if it will help with your relationship with him, but it will help you individually." – he paused for a second letting her think. – "Am I going to see you tomorrow?"
Even if Sara was glad that Dr. Mason wanted to help her, she wasn't sure how Nick would react.
"What will you tell him?"
"Don't worry. I won't tell him you came in." – he smiled warmly at her. – "So?"
"I'll be here." – she said determined.
"Good."
Next afternoon, Sara was standing in front of that horrible office again. And she was feeling the same fear. She saw Nick's SUV in front, so she knew he got there already. And she knew they were waiting on her. When she got home from shift that day, there was a message on her answering machine from Dr. Mason informing her that Nick agreed on the meeting. She knocked on the door and had a funny feeling of déja vu as she heard a quiet come in.
She poked her head inside to meet with Dr. Mason's smile. Nick didn't turn around.
"Sara, come in. Nice of you to join us. Sit down."
She smiled and sat herself next to Nick who was looking at his fingernails.
"Well, I think you know why I called you, Sara." – Dr. Mason started his speech. – "You're one of Nick's co-workers and my advise to him was that he talks to everyone. However, I though it was best that you and him have this conversation here. Since you came, can I presume you're willing to do that?"
"Definitely." – Sara softly said which caused Nick to stop rubbing his fingers.
"Good." – he smiled ant turned his attention to Nick. – "Do you want to start?"
"Not really." – he snorted. Sara looked away, but remained quiet. Dr. Mason looked at her.
"Sara? Do you have something you want to say to Nick?"
She took a deep breath and just before she spoke, Dr. Mason cut in.
"Turn your chairs towards each other."
They both did so, although Nick's moves were a little slower than Sara's. He wasn't happy with this, but he knew he had to do it. So, he didn't hesitate much as she waited for him to look at her. She took another deep breath.
"I guess I want to know why you drifted away from me these last few weeks. I know that our conversation had something to do with it, but I don't know why you are so mad."
Dr. Mason motioned to Nick that he needs to reply.
"You gave up." – Nick simply said and looked away because tears were welling up in his eyes. Sara looked surprised.
"On Cassie? Nick, I was just trying to be a realist. I didn't want you to get your hopes up, and than get hurt…" – she stopped seeing how he was shaking his head.
Suddenly a realization hit her. And hard. Her eyes were welling also, but she managed to choke out. – "You think I gave up on you?"
Nick chuckled.
"You were so sure that Cassie was dead, although we had evidence that she still might be alive. I know how you mind works, Sara. You hate to be wrong."
"I'm glad I was wrong, Nick! I was so glad you found her! But, what's that have to do with you?"
He thought about it for a second, and decided to tell her the entire truth.
"You were telling me how it wasn't my day to die. And I think you were sure that I would. And that part of you was sorry that you were wrong."
She was looking at him for a few seconds before she hit him hard on his arm.
"How can you say that!"
"Look, Sara, you don't need to be angry." – his voice was calm. – "That is just who you are. The realist." – the last words were filled with sarcasm.
What he didn't expect was for her to start yelling.
"How can you be so calm? Yell, be mad, do something! You were always full of passion and all you can do now is to take things like you don't care. You want me to repeat it! I will! It wasn't your day to die! Do you know how I know that? You're here. You're looking at me! And I'm looking at you! And not just on that little screen! Do you have any idea how hard that was for me? To look at you without knowing where you are? Or if I'm ever going to see you again?" – she stopped herself because she felt her voice cracking. She looked away not trusting herself to look at Nick.
He was sitting there still not completely believing her.
"I know you had a tough time. But, you weren't the one buried."
"So, what? You think I don't understand?"
"No, I'm glad you don't understand. No one needs to feel what I feel."
Dr. Mason felt the need to cut in.
"Nick, do you want to tell Sara why her statement made you so angry?"
Sara looked at him and saw hesitation in his eyes.
"Please, Nick, tell me."
He nodded and took a deep breath.
"When I was taping my goodbye message…there in the grave I said to Grissom that I hope I wasn't a disappointment to him. And I was thinking about saying something to you. What I wanted to say was that I've known you've done your best…and that you shouldn't blame yourself." – Nick stopped taking a few seconds. He's eyes were full of tears but even with his blurry look he saw her crying.
"And her disbelief that Cassie was alive crushed you, didn't it? You thought she gave up on you?" – Dr. Mason finished seeing how none of them were in any condition to talk. Nick only nodded whipping his tears away. Sara's hand stopped him. She took his hand in hers, while the other one was whipping his tears away.
"Nick, I never gave up on you. I was so scared for you. And I was scared that that fear will cloud my judgment. That I wouldn't be able to remember things that could help you. And after we found you, I was thanking God that he helped me to remember that little comment from Kelly Gordon. My mind was racing to dangerous places - what if I remembered that after it was too late. I wouldn't be able to forgive myself. I wouldn't be able to live with myself. I never gave up on you. Please, believe me!" – her voice was thick with emotions while her hand was still caressing his cheek sending shivers through Nick's body.
When he was rescued there was a silent agreement that they won't go into details. He slowly raised his other hand and covered hers with it. He never knew that it was Sara who found him.
"I'm sorry for treating you like that. And I'm glad you didn't give up on me."
Sara was looking deep into his eyes and something shifted in her. Her heart was beating faster like it was trying to tell her something. Something her mind was dwelling on ever since she had to question herself if she's ever going to see him again. Without thinking she leaned forward and kissed him gently on the lips. He closed his eyes savoring the moment. It was a simple gesture, but even Dr. Mason saw there was more behind it than just gratitude.
Sara moved away, still keeping her eyes closed. Her face was red from the warmth his lips emitted. Slowly she opened her eyes meeting with Nick's warm look. There were tears in both of their eyes, but tears weren't the reason why their looks looked shiny. Dr. Mason coughed a little trying to get both of their attention. They both turned towards him still holding their hands.
"Are you two OK?"
"We're fine." – Nick responded as Sara's grip on his hands tightened. And she wasn't planning on letting him go anytime soon.
"Sara?" – Dr. Mason looked at her.
"We're fine."
"Good. I'm glad. You did a great job here. Nick, you still have to deal with a few things, but this is one less thing."
"It was the most important thing." – Nick softly responded, as his thumb caressed the back of Sara's hand. Dr. Mason knowingly smiled at him. Sara was the topic of most conversations he had with Nick. And he was glad that she was willing to grasp the concept of having someone in her life. Someone she almost lost.
"Well, you don't need me for any further conversation. But, Nick, I'll see you in a few days."
"OK, doc." – Nick smiled as got up from his chair taking Sara with him. He shook his hand, after which he found Sara's hand again. He wasn't afraid of the touch. It was comforting. Sara smiled at the doctor, her eyes thanking him for the help. She walked out first, Nick in tow. As he closed the door behind him, he felt a pair of hands pulling him into a hug. He smiled into her neck as his hands found her hips. None of them were thinking about getting caught hugging in the corridor, they were clinging to each other, like they were separated for years. And in a way, they were. Sara felt Nick's breath on her neck, and she heard him sigh.
"What is it?" – she was afraid she was crossing the line. When she looked up she saw that he's eyes were filling again. – "Hey, what's the matter?"
"There's one other thing." – he was looking at the floor his hands still on her hips.
"You can tell me anything. If you want to, of course…" – she mumbled the last part, not wanting to push.
"No, I want to tell you. You deserve to know." – he sighed again which caused Sara to wince. Her fear was starting to crawl into her again.
"Go ahead."
"When I was…ahm. .taping that message, I wanted to say something else to you. If I was to die…" – he looked up and caught her eyes with his. – "…I wanted you to know that I loved you. And I don't mean it as a friend. I've been in love with you for years, and I needed to leave you a proof of that. Even if it was only on a tape. You deserved to know that. That was why this hurt so much."
Tears were streaming down Sara's face as she took in his words. She didn't trust her own voice, but she needed to say the words even if soft sobs muffled the words a little.
"Nicky…I'm glad I didn't hear that. I'm glad your voice from a tape didn't tell me that. Because, I need you to know that it would've killed me. Literally. That you're never going to get the chance to hear me say those words to you. And you also deserve to hear them." – she looked up to meet his stare which was piercing through her heart and soul. Never in her life did she feel so safe and complete like she did right then lost in his dark eyes.
"I love you. And I never gave up on you. Or nor I ever will. I'm not letting you out of my sight ever again."
Nick smiled at her softly taking in her words. He never expected her to tell him that she loved him. His life took a whole new meaning when those words left her mouth.
"I love you, Sara. And I'm not going to leave your sight. I don't want to be anywhere else."
He leaned forward looking her straight into her eyes. It seemed like forever before Sara felt his lips on hers. The kiss was different than the one she gave him in Dr. Mason's office. This one was full of love, full of hunger for more. Their tongues danced together for awhile before Nick stepped back and grinned at her.
"I have to say, I wasn't expecting that I will share a perfect kiss with you in front of the doors of our department councilor. "
She blushed and grinned back, matching his smile.
"And where did you expect to kiss me?"
"Just about anywhere." – he softly said as he tucked one of her lost strands of hair behind her ear. The sensation of his touch made her shiver as she leaned her head on his hand.
"I'm gonna hold you to that, you know?" – she whispered closing her eyes and letting herself to the feeling of his hands caressing her cheek.
"I'm counting on it, sweetheart. – he whispered back as he leaned in to kiss her lips again.
THE END