Intimate Confessions
Gijane
Disclaimer, Rating, Summary: See Chapter One
Chapter Notes: Christmas chapter (Chapter 16) from Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. If you've read this far, you know that all text in italics are direct quotes from the book (American edition pgs 330-341) Lots of text to cover, so long chapter. The whole scene is not there, word for word, since that would be too long. Just the important parts are written out; the rest is summarized. Not a great Christmas (Hence the chapter name) for neither Remus nor Dora. Poor Dora spends Christmas alone. Remus isn't too happy either. However, they do give each other presents!
Author's Note: After this chapter, I am done messing with them both. No more fights, no more pining, just happiness from Ch 11 on out (Okay, a bit more 'mature' than fluffy!) there is a bit more sadness, Dumbledore does die, (If you haven't read HBP yet, SORRY!) but I didn't cause it. Ms Rowling's responsible for that.
Chapter Ten– A Not So Merry Christmas
Tonks sat in her London flat staring miserably at her Christmas tree. It was rather pathetic, but she had bought it at the last minute, so it was the best that she could do. She had planned to spend the Christmas break with the Weasleys at the Burrow, but she knew that Lupin would be there. Not wanting to risk another quarrel, she had decided to stay home. Her parents, when they found out that she was originally spending Christmas away, has decided to go overseas, so she couldn't go to them.
She added a bit more tinsel to the sad little tree then shuffled off into the kitchen for some tea. She contemplated going into work tomorrow, but the other Aurors had taken the all holiday shifts and there was no need for her to be there as well. Her head jerked up at the sound of a knock at her front door. Who would be calling on Christmas Eve?
Drawing her wand, she went to the door and called, "Who's there?"
She gasped slightly as Lupin's voice answered, "It's me, Nymphadora, Remus. And your Patronus is a chameleon before you ask. Mine is a lion."
She quickly opened the door, meanwhile pocketing her wand, to revel Lupin standing there looking as if he was ready to bolt. "Wotcher, Remus." She paused. "Are you coming in?"
Lupin nodded then edged his way into the flat. Glancing around, he muttered, "Nice place."
"I like it. So, what can I help you with?" She threw herself on the couch and watched him.
"I thought you wouldn't be home. I was just going to drop off your Christmas present." He took in her small pathetic tree. "Are you going to your parents' later?"
"No. Mum and Dad are in Italy. Molly invited me over, but I'm not going. Proudfoot took the Christmas Eve shift; Savage the Christmas day one. They stuck me with New Year's. I hate being the most junior Auror." She smiled but it didn't reach her eyes. "Let me get you your present." She sensed his unease. "Relax, it's Christmas. No fighting." She smiled again as Lupin visibly relaxed.
Tonks went down the hall to her bedroom closet where she had tossed his present in anger when she realized she wasn't going to be able to give it to him. Returning to the living room, she handed him her gift. "Merry Christmas." She told him. "It's not much, but I'm sure you'll find them useful."
He unwrapped his gift to find a jumper, trousers, and socks. He stroked the wool of the jumper and socks and the corduroy of the trousers, taking in how heavy they were.
"It should keep you warm…for when you're…there." She explained.
He looked at her in awe. "Nymphadora, thank you." Deciding to be bold, he kissed her cheek.
She blushed. "Like I said, it's not much."
"But you put thought into it. Thank you." He stoked the jumper again. "Your gift. I saw it and thought of you immediately. Merry Christmas." He handed her a small but colourfully wrapped box.
She ripped off the paper to revel a glass chameleon ornament. She laughed in delight as it began to change colours immediately. "Oh Remus, it's wonderful! It will remind me of my original Patronus." She kissed his cheek in return, and then blushed again.
"Original?" Lupin asked surprised. "Your Patronus has changed?"
Her blush deepened. "Yes, it has."
"What is it now?" He asked tightly, almost afraid of the answer.
"It's a werewolf." Tonks muttered, staring at the floor. Silence reigned in the small flat.
"Your Patronus is a werewolf." He asked quietly. Tonks knew he was trying to comprehend what her Patronus changing to a werewolf symbolized.
"Yes." She said boldly. "He's very handsome. He's just as I picture you in wolf form."
Lupin backed up into the corridor. "I have to get going. Molly's expecting me. Be careful please, Nymphadora. You tell me to be safe all the time, but I'm not the Auror."
It suddenly hit Tonks with what he had said during their fight last week, "Yes, I'm terrified of losing you. I can't do that to myself again. I can't live if another person I loved dies." He loved her. She just realized what he had said and what it truly meant. She understood his panic, but was upset that he was running. "Goodbye, Remus, take care." He let himself out the thick oak door. Replacing the chain, she placed her forehead on the door and muttered, "I love you."
Lupin, still standing on the other side of the door, placed a hand on the wood and muttered, "I love you" at the same time.
He Apparated to the Burrow where he was surrounded by a group of teenagers immediately. After chatting with them for a bit, he declined a snowball fight and made his way into the kitchen.
"Hello, Molly." He said as he entered.
Molly Weasley yanked her head out of one of her cabinets and smiled at him. "Remus! Hello yourself, how are you?"
"As well as can be expected." Lupin smiled weakly at her and collapsed onto the kitchen table bench.
"Tea? I have some stew as well." She busied herself as he nodded affirmatively. "Charlie's staying in Romania, Ginny's with Fleur, and Harry and Ron are in the attic, Percy…well you know." Molly's eyes brightened with tears for a moment but she shook them away. "I've moved Bill in with Fred and George, so you'll have your own room."
"Thank you, Molly, for letting me stay. I know it was last minute."
Molly waved her hand dismissively. "You're just like family. Christmas is family time. Did my children attack you as soon as you Apparated?"
"Yes, but that's fine." Lupin felt content at her backhanded compliment, but he still couldn't keep the sadness from his voice.
"Remus, what's wrong?" She thumped a large mug of tea down in front of him.
"Nymphadora and I had a fight last week. She won't be coming around for Christmas."
Molly sighed. Placing a bowl of stew in front of him she said, "I know it's none my business, but what did you fight about?"
"Our usual reasons." He said, not elaborating.
"Your usual reasons, you mean. I think you are taking a totally ridiculous line on this."
"I see she's told you." Lupin sighed and began to play with his stew.
"I got them out of her, but yes, she told me. Honestly, Remus, you couldn't hurt a fly. You're not old." Molly trailed off, not wanting to mention the last reason.
"But I'm poor." He pointed out.
"Tonks doesn't care about that sort of thing. She loves you for you. And you know that."
Before she could say anymore, her children and Harry Potter trampled into the house. Molly was distracted with yelling at them to remove their boots and not to trail snow into the house. Lupin took advantage of her distraction to slip into the living room. Sighing, he sat in front of the fire on the hearthrug. It wasn't long before the whole Weasley family, Harry, and Fleur joined him.
Lupin sat staring into the fire, completely oblivious to his surroundings. He had realized as he sat chatting with Molly that he had made a huge mistake with Tonks earlier in the afternoon. He now realized, with the simple gesture of her Christmas present, that she loved him unconditionally. Tonks hated his mission but she loved him enough to make sure that he was as safe as he could be. And as warm as he could be. She had offered him the perfect opportunity to declare his love and what had he done? He had run away. Again.
Harry's voice distracted him from his thoughts. He was questioning Arthur on Snape.
"Has it occurred to you, Harry," said Mr Weasley, "that Snape was simply pretending-?"
"Pretending to offer help, so that he could figure out what Malfoy's up to?" said Harry quickly. "Yeah, I thought you'd say that. But how do we know?"
"It's our business to know," said Lupin unexpectedly. He turned around to face Harry and Arthur. "It's Dumbledore's business. Dumbledore trusts Severus, and that ought to be good enough for all of us."
"But," said Harry, "just say- just say Dumbledore's wrong about Snape-"
"People have said it, many times. It comes down to whether or not you trust Dumbledore's judgement. I do; therefore, I trust Severus."
Harry continued to protest. He even asked if Lupin personally liked Snape. He was smart enough to remain neutral, saying while he and Snape would never be best friends because of all that happened between them while in school, he was grateful that Snape brewed him the Wolfsbane Potion, especially during his teaching tenure, therefore keeping him healthy.
After protesting a bit more, Harry then asked him, "What have you been up too lately?"
"Oh, I've been living underground," said Lupin. "Almost literally. That's why I haven't been able to write, Harry; sending letters to you would have been something of a giveaway."
"What do you mean?"
"I've been living among my fellow, my equals," said Lupin. "Werewolves," he added at Harry's look of incomprehension. "Nearly all of them are on Voldemort's side. Dumbledore wanted a spy and here I was…ready-made."
He realized he sounded bitter so he smiled and continued to explain his mission; how Voldemort was promising a better life to the werewolves. He told Harry that Voldemort was using Greyback to marshal all the werewolves. Then he told Harry that Greyback especially was being used by Voldemort to threaten the Wizarding public, with good results because his speciality was children. .
Lupin paused and then said, "It was Greyback who bit me."
"What?" said Harry, astonished. "When- when you were a kid you mean?"
Lupin told Harry what had happened to between Greyback and his father. He told him that it took a long time to find out who had bitten him. Then he told Harry what Greyback did every full moon: positioned himself close to his victims. Finally, he told Harry that his mission wasn't going well because most werewolves thought that they should avenge themselves on normal people.
"But you are normal!" said Harry fiercely. "You've just got a- a problem-"
Lupin burst out laughing. "Sometimes you remind me a lot of James. He called it my 'furry little problem' in company. Many people were under the impression that I owned a badly behaved rabbit." He smiled and thanked Arthur as he handed him a glass of eggnog. He was pleased the Harry thought him 'normal', just as his father had.
Harry looked thoughtful then asked, "Have you ever heard of someone called the Half-Blood Prince?"
"The Half-Blood what?"
"Prince," said Harry, watching him closely for signs of recognition.
"There are no Wizarding princes," said Lupin, now smiling. "Is this a title you're thinking of adopting? I should have thought being 'the Chosen One' would be enough." It felt good to tease Harry. He knew he would react as James would have.
"It's nothing to do with me!" said Harry indignantly. He then went on to explain that he had the Prince's Potions book, mentioning that the Prince had invented Levicorpus Jinx.
Lupin sank into memories. He smiled as Harry mentioned seeing his father use Levicorpus on Snape while in Dumbledore's Pensive. He told Harry that jinxes went in and out of fashion; that Levicorpus was probably an old one, not invented while he was at school. He then realized, looking into Harry's disappointed face, that he thought perhaps James was the Half-Blood Prince. Lupin told him quietly, "James was a pureblood, Harry, and I promise you, he never asked us to call him 'Prince.'"
Abandoning pretence, Harry said, "And it wasn't Sirius? Or you?"
"Definitely not." Lupin told him, surprised that Harry had even mentioned Sirius' name. According to all, Harry was again bottling up his emotions and had not mourned Sirius yet. He told Harry to check the publication date on the Potions book. That perhaps that would shed a clue to when the Prince was a Hogwarts student.
Shortly after that, Fleur began to mock Celestina Warbeck, annoying Molly, and everyone took this as a cue to go to bed. Lupin trekked up to Bill's room after picking up his overnight bag from the kitchen. He sat down on the bed and took out the wool socks that Tonks had given him for Christmas. Pulling them on, he quickly fell asleep, dreaming of her.
Late Christmas morning Lupin woke up to a small stocking of presents at the end of his bed. He put away most to look at them later. Quickly showering before it was impossible to, he pulled on the navy jumper that Molly had knitted for him. He wore the corduroys that Tonks had given him. For the first time in a long time, all the clothing he wore was brand new. Slipping on his very comfortable loafers, he made his way downstairs. He was determined to have a good time today, although he was miserable over Tonks being left alone. Hopefully no one would mention her.
Upon arriving in the kitchen, Lupin found that everyone else was already up. They were all also wearing their jumpers that Molly had knitted. Molly, wearing a brand-new witch's hat and a golden necklace beamed at him for wearing his as well. He sat down, the children and Arthur wishing him a Merry Christmas and Christmas lunch at the Burrow commenced.
He smiled as Ginny pointed out to Harry that there was a maggot in his hair, and then removed it. To Lupin, judging by Harry's reaction, it seemed that all the Potter men were attracted to redheaded women. He smiled broader when Ron knocked the gravy boat, all too eager to help Fleur.
"You are as bad as zat Tonks," said Fleur to Ron. She had kissed Bill to death in thanks for cleaning up the mess.
Lupin's stomach dropped. There, someone had said her name. Glancing at Molly, he knew by the look on her face she was going to pounce on the opportunity to mention that Tonks wasn't there and why. She hadn't been able to talk to him alone after their brief conversation yesterday. Arthur sent him a sympathetic look from his end of the table, know what his wife was going to do.
"I invited dearTonks to come along today," said Mrs Weasley, setting down the carrots with unnecessary force and glaring at Fleur. "But she wouldn't come. Have you spoken to her lately, Remus?"
Lupin smiled at Molly. He knew that she knew what was going on, but was being good in front of the kids. Arthur raised an eyebrow, but wisely did not comment. Lupin, playing along, said to Molly, "No, I haven't been in contact with anybody very much. But Tonks has got her own family to go to, hasn't she?"
"Hmmmm," said Mrs Weasley. "Maybe. I got the impression she was planning to spend Christmas alone, actually." Molly gave Lupin an annoyed look. She knew perfectly well why Tonks was alone on Christmas day and that it was entirely his fault. He wasn't angry though. He knew maternal Molly, who had known Tonks since she was eleven, was and was just being protective of her. She probably considered Tonks as one of her own.
Just like Harry, who then unknowingly rubbed more salt into his wound by saying, "Tonks' Patronus has changed its form. Snape said so anyway. I didn't know that could happen. Why would your Patronus change?"
"Because she's deeply in love with an absolute idiot who hurt her and has realized too late that he's as deeply in love with her as she is with him"- is what Lupin wanted to say to Harry as he slowly chewed his turkey. Instead, he barely managed to say, "Sometimes…a great shock…an emotional upheaval…"
"It looked big, and it had four legs," said Harry, struck by a sudden thought and lowering his voice. "Hey…could it be-?"
Lupin was spared Harry's theory as Molly yelled, "Arthur! Arthur- it's Percy!" Everyone made for the window. There was Percy all right- and Rufus Scrimgeour, the Minister of Magic.
Lupin knew that the Minister was up to something. Sure enough, he blustered on about being in the neighbourhood and Percy wanting to stop in. He then asked if anyone cared to take a stroll in the garden while Percy caught up with his family. Ignoring Ginny, Fleur and George, who were also done, he asked Harry to accompany him.
No one was fooled. This is why the Minister had come today, to get to Harry finally. Lupin half rose out of his chair to protest (Harry was his godson, after all) but was told, "It's fine" by Harry quietly who repeated that to Arthur as well, who was going to say something.
After an uncomfortable fifteen minutes, Harry and Scrimgeour both came back inside. The Minister and Percy, whose glasses were splattered with mashed parsnip (Fred, George and Ginny all claimed responsibility), quickly left. Molly spent the rest of the day crying.
Lupin left the Burrow on Boxing Day. Quickly making a stop at the Manor to give his house elf, Katrina, her present, he Apparated back to the clearing near the wood where Greyback had set up his lair.
Snuggled in Tonks' jumper, trousers, and socks, he sat front of the fire ignoring the glares from the other werewolves. He knew he smelled of magic and he did not care.
He knew this mission was going to be over soon.
TBC