I know It's been along time but I have been a bit discouraged as my Pirates of the Caribbean Mary Sue Parody was a booming failure. Shame, I was proud of that one…oh well. Feel free to read that one if you like I guess.

Also watch out very closely for some other familiar face - wont say no more.

Basil: You told them who it was in the summary, you moron.

Oh yes. So I did.

Oh well.

I'm sorry, this story is quite tedious. But Please review if you make it to the end. - Or if you don't make it to the end due to the averageness of this fic then – yeah.

PLEASE REVIEW!

Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters, I do, however, own the computer they have been typed on. Wait, no I don't.

March 2nd:

Mourning period for my potatoes ended today. I have fasted for exactly two days and have only spoken the words, "Yes," "No Way," "Lead Piping," and "I'll have that jar of beetroot, please." Pretty damn good if I do say so myself.

March 3rd:

Boy did I have an interesting day Today!! Wanna hear? Ok!

I got up at the crack of dawn this morning and I went into the kitchen. I decided to make a piece of toast so I set our grill oven on a high flame and put the toast inside for exactly three minutes. When I took it out it was burned on one side and slightly charred on the other. That is good enough so I took it off the grill tray and put it on a plate. Then I sat down to eat it. I ate it. Then I put the place in the dishwasher and went to my bedroom to get dressed for today's Gondor council meeting. I chose my new black robes and wore my rugged emu-hide boots over black tight pants. I did not shave as I wished to maintain my manly attire. I bid Arwen Adieu and got on my trusty steed to ride to the main hall of Gondor. There, I met the rest of the Gondor party and we all sat down and discussed the importance of Collective Bargaining Agreements and the way they may have an impact on the P-Stat Economy of the Gondor civilians. I was against making the civilians pay extra through their taxes but the others were all for it. I stood my ground and said. 'I Aragorn, son of Arathorn, King of Gondor want the civilians to pay less through taxes and Collective Bargaining Agreements will not interfere with the tax system we have today!' Then I leered at them all to show them who was the REAL MAN. At that point they all agreed in a Gondor fashion non-threatening manner and one man went to get a cup of coffee which concluded our meeting for that day. I left the hall for the Gondor Park and found a nice shady tree to eat my beetroot and onion sandwich that Arwen had packed me for my lunch. It was very good. I got a ring of onion stuck between my two front teeth so I picked it out with a bone I found in my bag, which was most likely left over from one of my manly hunting escapades. Afterwards I thought I might borrow some books from the Gondor public library to pass the afternoon. I searched for my library card in my emu–hide wallet and set off for the library. I ended up borrowing three large books, "Potato farming; for fun and profit without getting too emotionally involved," "Flamenco dancing – Is it for you?" and "War and Peace." (Author note: yes I'm aware that in Middle earth they most likely didn't have the book War and Peace, but just go with it!) I packed these books in my bag, and went to find my horse who, I had forgotten about, hitched back at the Gondor Hall. Then I rode back to my humble abode and now, it being late afternoon, will start on reading "War and Peace." Should be quite the novel. Very Excited.

So there you go! Wasn't my day simply riveting? Man of Action they will call me when they discover my diary in thousands of years time! I wish I could be around to see me be immortalised in a child's action figure! I'll have Theme Music! (To the tune of "Duck Tales") Aragorn! Woo-ooh! Everyday he's out there, He is, Aragorn! Woo-ooh!

I will be immortalised in song!

March 5th:

I read "War and Peace." I understood about nine words in that book. Not sure what it was about, although I get the inkling it was about a beautiful girl called Mary and an evil necklace. (Authors note: -confused? See another lame fanfic of mine…"My name is Mary", chapter 4)

March 8th:

Arwen has been weird lately. I'm not sure why. She is always crying loudly at the drop of a hat, and keeps fondling our razor sharp butcher knife near her heart saying "Soon you two will be united."

You know what? I think she may be in a spot of depression.

March 11th:

I will find out what is wrong with Arwen. It is my duty as a husband after all.

March 12th:

Arwen asked me today if I honestly, truthfully thought her nose was too big. I know a way to a woman's heart is honesty. I looked at it closely and said, 'Well now that you mention it, I-'

She slapped me at this point and flounced off.

I was peeved. Well she asked me to be honest in the first place didn't she?

So to her retreating back I screamed, 'Whey – HEY! PMS! PMS! PMS! Look OUT! PMS alert!' Then I made "Woop, Woop" siren sounds. Now I think about it that may not have been the best course of action to take.

March 14th:

I apologised to Arwen last night. I held her tight and told her, "Arwen, my dear, I am dreadfully sorry about my outburst yester eve. I wish to apologise. Your nose is not too big, Tis a vision of beauty, like the sun rising in all its glory, the goddess Aphrodite in her shining light and I could not wish for you to have a more beautiful nose bestowed upon your beautiful face."

It took me forty-five minutes to memorise that from one of Arwen's slushy Mills & Boon novels.

March 17th:

Ate some bean sprouts for tea. Enjoyed them very much. I had no idea you could boil them. I wonder how many other vegetables you can boil? Can you boil potatoes?

I bet my rock garden potatoes would have loved to be boiled, had they lived to this day.

Oh dear, every time I think of my late potato family I get a little teary.

I promised myself I wouldn't cry anymore.

Oh Shitballs.

Excuse me one moment. My eyes are having an allergic reaction to the air which is making them water involuntarily. I'm not crying. Anyone who says I am is a liar! Liar I tell you! In fact, just piss off! I'm not crying! Liar!

March 20th:

I had nothing to do today so Arwen suggested I make something. As I didn't know what to make, she suggested something that could be useful around the house, whilst pointing to things like the bookcase and spice rack.

I came up with the perfect solution. I drew identical little houses on one hundred separate pieces of paper, each with a door, two windows and a chimney. Then I cut all of them out and put them in a sack. Arwen didn't seem too impressed with my gift of one hundred paper houses. Hmph. I thought they were a nice gesture.

March 23rd:

Today was Gondor Parade Day! I love Parade day! It's where Gondor has a Parade! This year it was a parade in memory of all the elves, men and dwarfs who fought and died in the battle against Sauron for Middle earth a few years ago, so twas quite the cheerful event. They sold fairy floss in three flavours: strawberry, vanilla and hobbit.

Everyone turns up for parade day. Each year I see someone I have never seen before. Like today, for instance I saw a boy of about 15. He was a funny looking chap with black hair, round glasses and a repugnant lightning shaped scar on his forehead. He was wearing black robes and had a funny stick sticking out of his robe pocket. He was mooching around looking gloomy and angry and kept bellowing angsty speeches every time someone spoke to him. I meant to ask his name but a parading Oliphant carrying men from the front line of the battle trampled him, so I never got the chance trampled him. I think he might have died. At least no one seemed to like him.

On other note, the rest of the day was a complete success!! Cheers for me!

March 25th:

Hoo Boy. Arwen threw a fit today. Remember the speech I recited to her about her nose and where I got it from? Well, she read that book today and put two and two together. She called me many a name including "Portentous Nutsack" and "Insensate Wackjob." Boy, am I glad I don't know what they mean.

March 27th:

Told Arwen that yes, I did take my apology straight from a book but assured her that I still meant it one hundred percent, and meant no ill offence. Then told her I would love her forever, regardless that her nose looks like an ice pick stuck on a barn door. She then ran to her room crying, most likely from happiness. I have such a way with women!

March 30th:

Do I have a way with women?

Mach 31st:

End of yet another eventful month of my life. I have learnt that you need to life each day to the fullest, and you have to grab that bull by the horns, and do your Thang!

Seriously, grab those horns. I still have bruises on me derrière.

BARF! Terrible, I know, but please, I am very discouraged at the moment. I dunno if I'll continue this…please let me know what you think! And please, review!

Please?

Go-on.

The button to click is just a few inches southward.

Please?

T o t a l S i l e n c e

random person coughs

Oh well. Thanks for reading anyway!