Yes the fourth instalment. What a momentous occasion. Won't say no more here … please review! 

April 1st:

Alas and woe. Trouble has befallen my beloved city. Due to all this bloody "Ecological rescue system" and "making a city safer for our younger generation" which some smarmy elf introduced; It is official that eveyone in Gondor, including the I, the King, who owns a cave troll, they must keep them away from Gondors crops at all times, lest the trolls be chained up. Is that fair I ask you? I mean sure, the cave trolls may have acccidently sat on a few crops causing a few famines and certain death for over half of Gondors peasants, but really!

I will have to rebel against this ridiculous new rule.

How did they even get it past me without me okaying it anyway?

Anyway, will have to rebel aggainst. I will buy a cave troll and let it sit, tramp, fart and mutilate anything it bloody well wants.

April 3rd:

Bought my cave troll!!!! A lovely teenage boy with one eye and a hand covered in a fungusy rash. Called it Arwen.

April 4th:

There has been some confusion about Arwens name. Not wife Arwen, cave troll Arwen, see cave troll Arwen, no, wait, Wife Arwen said that she didn't think that purchasing Arwen was a good thing for herself, Arwen, or I to grow as a couple if we are burdened with an extra Arwen whome Arwen didn't want in the first place. Arwen spoke to Arwen and Arwen whacked her across the face so now and nursing Arwens wound without Arwen, whilst telling Arwen that Arwen was a good example of what I what ridiculous rules were put agains Arwen and I.

Phew, I had a hard time following that.

Arwe – sorry – April 6th:

Arwen seems quite upset that I named a massive, grotesque cave troll after her.

Well, I thought it was a nice gesture.

April 7th:

I made a bed for Cave Troll Arwen. Build a shed for him outside.

Well, I built most of the shed.

Okay, FINE. Haldir built the shed. Can I help it if he is manlier in that context than I?

ANYWAY, Cave Troll Arwen has a new home outside. When I coaxed him in last night he got in a right tiff and tore on of the seven walls off and threw it at my head. Such a playful little soul. Blessings and good tidings to Cave Troll Arwen.

April 10th:

Is very bad. Cave troll Arwen has been missing for almost three days. I woke up on the eight to find him gone and his shed in pieces. Well, he may be gone but I will never give up looking for him, Never, for love or money! I will get Arwen to help, and perhaps Legolas, Gandalf and ooh, of course Haldir, because Haldir can make anything into a party.

Have been searching for almost an hour. I am absolutely exhausted. Arwen couldn't help me, she had to go revive a dying child over in bloody Edoras, Gandalf was "indisposed" (meaning either he has cursed himself again by accident, making him sing the song about the goblin or he is making out with someone. Since it cannot possibly the latter I think it is best not to bother him as I have no intention of hearing about that wretched goblin again. Well, with all that jazz about the ring, I have had enough of Gandalf for a lifetime. Anyway, Legolas and Haldir were off on their new jobs – they sell cosmetics to the lower life forms of Middle earth like Moria Orcs, Gollum wannabes (one found to be Andy Serkis's evil jealous twin brother) and Rohirrim.

So will pursue alone. After dinner.

April 11th:

Still no sign of Arwen. I got his shed rebuilt and everything.

April 13th:

Still no sign.

April 15th:

Still no sign.

April 16th:

Still no sign, but I saw a horse with black spots.

April 18th:

Still no sign.

April 19th:

No sign, but Arwen is back and said she'd help me.

April 21st:

No sign.

April 23rd

We found him! He was sitting at the edge of Fangorn Forest near West Emnet. And he was crying. Have you ever heard the tears of a Cave Troll? They cut through you, like a knife through your heart. It is not like those cries you can ignore, like that of sick children or dying animals. It is a cry that I will remember for the rest of my life.

Arwen suggested to me that perhaps he wanted to go home. I doubt he originally lived in the Fangorn forest, but I agreed. He would be happier there. It was folly of me to try and imprison such a natural, beautifully spirited creature in rebellion of Gondor laws.

After all, on his way to Fangorn, he did destroy the life work and crops of eighteen families (and counting) and squash out and entire species of wild horses but lets look at the positives.

He was a good friend and mentor. Oh! The games we played! The laughing and jesting we shared! After all, Cave Troll Arwen brought Arwen And I closer together.

As we watched him amble into the forest, Arwen placed a sympathetic arm around my shoulders.

'Whatever happens, my cave troll friend … Remember! You'll always be in my heart!' I called out as together, we watched Arwen charge through the forest, trampling plants and knocking over Ents as he went.

April 26th:

Dismanlted Arwens house that I rebuilt for him in the backyard. Actually I didn't. When Arwen came into the backyard to ask if I wanted lemonade, she breathed and blew the whole thing over. Quick and easy. I am the accomplished builder!

April 27th:

Things just are not the same without Cave Troll Arwen. The sun isn't bright, the birds don't sing as sweetly and no flowers in bloom. I told Arwen this and she said the weather had been overcast for three weeks, flowers will not bloom as it is out of season, and there are no birds in our area because Arwen ate them all before she ran away.

April 29th:

Eating birds … yarg.

April 30th:

End of another month. Have a new resolution: Will. Get. A. Hobby.

Next cHapt: Aragorn joins the Pun 'n' Poets club …… need I say more?

Please review! They are all appreciated!