Hey guys, thanks a lot for all the reviews … especially Karvian … thankyou for supporting my premature midlife crisis.
Anyway, I am hoping to be able to squeeze a few more ideas into this next chapter, but we will just see how things go …
Thankyou! Please review!
May 1st:
Have decided that I will get a hobby, as I seem to have too much free time. However it will be a worthy hobby, one that I hope will benefit all of mankind for years to come. After all, I am King, and Kings do not waste their time. I'll have to give this some thought.
Learning Pilates?
Maybe I'll ask Arwen…
May 3rd:
Arwen had many suggestions, many of which I vido-ed. I mean come on! She suggested I learn CARPENTRY! What a useless, pointless, ridiculous profession. N one important in history was a CARPENTER. If I wanted to waste my time that badly I'd invent Motion Pictures! Or build on the idea of "The Wheel" I mean, Geez! It's a wheel! It aint getting any further than a hrose and cart, I promise you!
She also had many other suggested all of which sucked eggs. Some of the more memorable ones were learning Black Speech, field farming and gourmet cooking. All Stupid. Stupid, stupid Arwen.
I thought that perhaps I'd work on my public relation skills. After all, I did come across as somewhat of a toolbag during all that ricketa-racketa with Frodo, the ring and world domination. Always so moody and suspicious of everyone and unnecessarily hostile throughout the journey. But hey, everyone has problems. I just happen to be a hobbit fancying wanker.
May 5th:
Have decided I will join a club of some sort. Then due to my superior skills in … well lets be honest, pretty much everything … I will climb to the top of the ladder of the club, become president AND treasurer AND secretary, which maybe will one day lead me to be The King of Gondor.
…Wait…
May 6th:
Have found the ideal club! It is formed by the intellectual apex of Gondor only, so I am sure I can buy my way in. It is called the Pun'n'Poets Society of Gondor or just "P-Sog's" for short. Apparently to enter, you have to submit one piece of poetry, maximum two hundred words including as many possible-pun moments as you can. It will be judged, not only on the quality, but also on the phrases, which can inspire one to pun. Should be quite the poem.
May 8th:
Have written my Poem! Would you like to hear? Of course you would! Poetic Justice!!!
Ahem.
Listen Scumbags I am Aragorn the King of Gondor and I want in on your little punning escapade, so you better give me membership or I'll order for the lot of you to be impaled on your picket fences.
Okay maybe there isn't much poetry in this, but this is just to get entry. After I'm in I'll be punning and poetising with the best of them. Aragorn, Son of Arathorn, King of Pundor!! Ha!ha! I am hilarious!
May 10th:
No answer from the Pun'n'Poets. I hope I didn't frighten them with my Manly entry application.
May 11th:
No answer. Am getting nervous.
May 13th:
Arwen was painting a picture today. Thought it was very good although I didn't understand it. It looked like a Brachiosaurus having a spleen cleansing. Arwen later told me it was a still life of the tree in our front yard. I can see it now. She is a very good little artist. I told her that from now on I'd call her ARTwen. Boo-yah!
Still no answer.
May 15th:
Finally got an answer form the Pun'n'Poets club! They accepted my application, as I knew they would, commenting that linguistic skills are indeed my forte. First meeting on the 20th of May!
May 16th:
Gosh I am nervous about the first meeting. I mean, what if I make a pun that has already been punned. Or worse yet, what if I find I can't make a pun? I'll be a laughing stock! Or worse … What if they name me "Punless Pants-down???"
Well I spose if any of them tease me I can just nick of their head with my sword and be done with it. Ah, Its great to be King.
May 20th:
Whew, I just got back from the first meeting and if I do say so myself, I think I impressed them a great deal.
First we all sat down in a circle and discussed about our favourite poets. I didn't know any poets, so when it came to my turn, I said this, but informed them my favourite poems came from classic books such as "Let 'er Rip, Potato Chip!" and "Snug as a Bug in a Rug." At this point they all went silent and looked at each other, most likely from their intimidation of my towering poetic intellect.
Then we discussed ways we could put puns to our favourite poems, and what the element of a pun was.
It was wonderful! My homework assignment is to write a poem based on the style of some bloke named Honore De Balzac or something. No idea who he is, however everyone knows you don't need to know anything about someone to imitate them.
May 21st:
Have abandoned all my kingly duties to write my poem. I mean, shit, I only have a week before the next meeting and I have to get this poem done by then so the rest of the class can all pun it! Gondor can organise itself.
May 23rd:
This is going to be one hell of a poem. I got through the intro last night and yesterday now I am working on the body. This will be awesome.
May 25th:
Cripes, I haven't slept in five days as I have been working on this godforsaken poem. To tempt me to sleep, Arwen even suggested in a very un-elf manner that we practise for when we eventually want to put a "bun in the oven" if you get my drift. But no, my poem comes first. Before my wife, which is the basis of a very healthy marital relationship.
May 26th:
Success! After many days of toiling and strain I have finally put together what I think is the apex of all Middle Earth literature! My Poem. Here I'll write it for you: MY Poem. I wrote it about Daisies.
Daisies.
Tall, Slim.
Look nice,
In a vase
On a table
In my house.
What do you think???? Do you lurve it!!!!!????
May 27th:
Meeting today. I completely blew my fellow poetry punners away. I did a dramatic reading of my poem, so for each line I did a movement. For example, when I read out "Tall, Slim" I stood up as tall and straight as I could, hands by my sides. And for "Look nice" I did the sexiest pose I knew. Sultry Aragorn! I was so good I would blow your head off! (Authors note: Ha! Michaela remember Ancient Studies? "These artifacts are just so amazing, they'll … they'll blow your head off!)
None of them could pun it however. Hmpf, I thought these people were meant to be professionals.
On other note, was given another homework task. I have to take five everyday sentences, such as, "Honey I'm Home," or "Arwen, get you head out of the oven," and pun them. A challenge, but I'm good at challenges. I mean I mastered writing my name by just 17!
May 28th:
Found out today that I have been spelling my name wrong for the past few years, when signing official Gondor documents. I found this out when I received a letter from across the sea addressed to "Aragog," and they kept making references to me being a giant spider. How embarrassing, although slightly puzzling.
May 31st:
Gee, punning is tougher than I thought. It is hard to always be able to create such delicious puns at the drop of a hat. I hope I will be able to stay in the club. I mean, I've got Poetry down packed, but that is only half the requirements. Gulp.
Hoo Boy, I have stolen lots of things from this chapter. Here we go:
"Let er Rip Potato Chip" and "Snug as a Bug in a rug" are real books … has anyone read them? Also in the series are "unreal, banana peel," "Alright Vegemite!" and "far out Brussel Sprout!" So yeah, I did not make them up. They (godforbid) are REAL.
Some of you who have read "the Growing Pains of Adrian Mole" would have recognised Aragorn's daisy poems as being basically a carbon copy of Barry Kent's poem, entitled "poppies." So you can't sue me for that either.
Oh, and I didn't copy it but the inspiration for this chapter came from none other than a special edition DVD that you got if you have bought Brisbane band George's new album "Unity" (its an absolute pleasure to listen to). Anyway, on one of the features, "the making of Unity" there is a little thingie at the end between two Band members, Tyrone Noonan (co-vocalist) and Paulie Bromley (bassist) which is describes as a "pun shoot out" (or "pun out"…brilliant.) Anyway, I thought this was a classic and just reawakened the whole world of puns to me, so I thought I'd include the general transcript:
There are some bits that are wrong coz I'm doing it from memory, as I'm not about to go downstairs, start up the DVD player and jot it down word for word. Heck, I'm only including this as I need to waste about twenty minutes before my brother gets off the computer so I can upload this onto
Paulie: It's a shoot out … it's a pun out. (To Tyrone) Someone has to say a sentence and then we have to quickdraw a pun, and see who gets it first … thinking caps on?
(Tyrone puts on a "george" endorsed hat)
Paulie: (to producer, who is sitting at a computer, he says his name, but I forget it) Bestow us with a sentence, for which we will quickdraw a pun.
Producer: I can't do this man, I'll fuck it up.
Paulie: (instantly) Well don't get you back up about it!' (makes weird ass water pistol noises and makes gun motions at Tyrone. I think its meant to be a pistol shot as Tyrone grabs his stomach in mock pain)
Someone in background: Alright another one…
Geoff Green: (drummer) I like to play cricket on a hard wicket.
Tyrone: A what?
Geoff: Hard wicket.
Pause
Tyrone: Are you trying to TEST me Greenie? (weird gun noises, Paulies groans) One all.
Paulie: Alright the decider… Nick!
Nick Stuart: (guitarist) … yep?
Paulie: Inspire us with a sentence with which to pun.
Nick: Pressure … gosh how about one about the cows in the paddock?
Pause
Tyrone: I reckon we'd better get mooving on that one …
Paulie: yeah, I reckon we'll have to milk it …
Tyrone: No, I got in first …
Paulie: Right one more … (turns to guy holding camera)
Guy with camera: My, what a lovely … footstool you have.
Really long pause …
Paulie: Toe-tally…
(spasmodic laughing)
Tyrone: Paulie Wins
Damn it, I think that transcript was funnier than my whole chapter. Oh well.
This was the conversation that started it all, so I just thought I should give it credit, and I hate to sound like some spastic ad, but seriously they are a great band so if you don't have their albums, that is your next homework assignment. They are right up there with Radiohead and The Tea Party and all those other great bands.
Ah, I've gone off on a tangent. Please review!
Ha! TANGENT! (Tea Party fans will get that.)
Thankyou.