Well, It happened! The review average per chapter for one of my fanfics, namely this one, reached 10!! (10.1 for those who are perfectionists) To me, this means that this particular fanfic is a SUCCESS. So thankyou very much to everyone who reviewed, I really appreciate it. And I know those of you who have about one hundred reviews for every chapter of your fics are probably sniggering to yourselves at my "success." Well, bullocks to you. But well done for writing such a well-received fic.

Well, I have just a few notes before I begin. Number one, I'm sorry I seem to update only, like every nine years but this time I have a defense, feeble as it may be … kids, I was banned from ! Yes, for posting up an essay (which I was very proud of) entitled, "Why no one reads The Lord of the Rings anymore." I forget how long my ban was for, but it was several weeks, so I left this site alone for about a month or so. Must not taunt the gods.

Number two, I'm going to re-load all the earlier chapters of this story, simply because I had formatting problems with them when loading them up the first time and there are also many grammatical errors which are really giving me the shits.

Well, thankyou for joining me on this crazy rollercoaster ride and please review!!!!

Oh, one more thing. I am very aware that Jamie Cullum wouldn't materialize in middle Earth. Just go with it.

June 1st:

June!! Ah! The sixth month of the year! Well, fifth if you don't count March, but I see no reason why March should not be counted.

On other note, The Pun'n'Poets society is breaking up for a few weeks. I joined just before they have their mid year break, you see. They need several breaks per year because all that punning can wear a guy down. I will take real advantage of this break to improve on my pun skills. Poetry is fine, I already have that down packed. I'll just work on my puns. And it will be so enjoyable; I can say that I'll have "pun!" Geddit? Geddit? I replaced "fun" with "pun!" Classic!

June 3rd:

Arwen is starting to get into music, which is fine by me. Music is a very harmless medium, and it will never draw any kind of emotion. That is important for Arwen, because she seems a little down at the moment.

June 4th:

Arwen is going to the music library today to pick up some recordings. (Authors note: I KNOW, I KNOW!!! Middle earth did not have the technology to have sound recording, and we've only had it ourselves since the early 1900's and therefore the idea that Middle earth has CDs/tapes/vinyls/mp3's is preposterous, but it's a fuckin parody!!) I think I may join her as I am known for my exquisite musical ability since I bleated out a tune at my crowning.

June 6th:

We didn't end up going together after all. Arwen tied/gagged me and placed an Elvish curse on me so that I would die immediately if I left the house and so I got the feeling she wanted to go alone. Here are the recordings that Arwen got:

10 ways to kill (yourself) - Deathbizkit

10 ways to hate (yourself) – Deathbizkit

Twenty something – Jamie Cullum

Sacrificing the innocent – Pointless slaughter

Steps in Self loathing – murder without motive

We really suck monkeyballs – Good Charlotte

Black blood of my soul – the suicidal clowns

I make hamburgers – The Whitlams

There's something nagging me about this list, but I'm not sure what.

June 8th:

Ahah! My nagging doubt:

What's a hamburger?

June 9th:

Arwen wont speak. She stays in the laundry and listens to her new music. She wears lots of eyeliner now and it doesn't suit her. I best go tell her she looks ugly with it. Then whatever this problem is, it will go away.

June 10th:

Well, It didn't go so well. I strode into the laundry and announced to her that she was getting ugly. Her eyes narrowed and she snarled something at me, and I swear it was in black speech! She then grabbed the nearest recording, (which happened to be Jamie Cullum's Twenty Something) and threw it at me. I caught it and hastily retreated.

This is bad. Arwen and I have never had difficulties like this before.

What if she leaves me? I shall never face another day if that is the case. I would hide from the world.

Pray, sweet Arwen do not leave my loving arms.

Oh, Arwen, Arwen my love ….

Ooh, this recording is Twenty Something – the extended version!

June 13th:

I have been listening to the recording that Arwen threw at me and I am quite enjoying it. I like to sing along with it, and sometimes I like to dance. In a masculine way, of course. I'm listening to the track, "I get a kick out of you" at the moment. What's this cocaine? It sounds like some sort of harmless, delicious candy. Anyway, I get a kick out of Jamie Cullum! Haha! Brilliant!

June 15th:

Maybe it is just the absence of Arwen around me, but this Jamie Cullum is quite an attractive young chap. For a guy, for a guy. I'm not a bender. On the inlay pages of the recording there are photos and he reminds me somewhat of a hobbit. Kind of short, big grin, lots of energy for doing not much in particular (Authors note: After all, "Why do today what you can do tomorrow?" … I'm very sorry J.C fans …) However, he lacks the big hairy feet and fat little stomach which was always a bit of a turnoff as far as hobbits go.

Actually, this Mr. Cullum has quite a taut little body …

I think I should go spend some time with Arwen.

June 16th:

Day spent consoling Arwen. I'm finding this difficult, as I am unsure of what I am consoling her about.

June 18th:

I suggested to Arwen that we go and get another collection of music from the music library as in her current collection, there is a very subtle theme, that overall is a negative one. Excluding of course, Mr Cullum's recording (the inlay pictures have been mysteriously cut out) and possibly the song about hamburgers. Oh, And that song by Good Charlotte - that was just crap.

I think we may be on the road to Arwens highway of recovery.

June 20th:

I picked up Arwen a new set of recordings. She sent me to the library on my own. I said to her, "For me to do this you would give me your trust?" To which she replied, "it is mine to give to whom I will … like my … handbag." She promptly gave me her handbag with her wallet and library card, whilst hastily adding, "Heart, and my heart."

A bit intense, but whatever floats her boat.

Anyway, I got her:

Pointless nostalgic – Jamie Cullum

Jamie Cullum live at Blenheim Palace

The best of Jamie Cullum

The almost-best-but-didn't-quite-make-par of Jamie Cullum.

Jamie Cullum talks about salad for a long time (this was an interview)

Piano as percussion – Jamie Cullum (Authors note: Anyone who has seen him perform will know what that means … its very literal!)

Jamie Cullum does humorous impressions of American presidents

The Van Morrison collection

The last one I didn't really want. I just had to include it so Arwen wouldn't get suspicious of all the Jamie Cullum. She is perceptive, but I'm always one step ahead!

June 22nd:

I think Arwen may be back on her feet. Well, she is out of the laundry at least and floating around the house doing Elvish deeds like walking around in a flowing, glowing robe against a slight breeze, talking to the flowers and saying quiet laments under her breath with her eyes closed.

June 23rd:

I have just realised that since joining the Pun'n'Poets society and getting my fill of the charming, cheeky Jamie Cullum I have not attended to any matters of Gondor. Should probably see how my faithful city is fairing out.

But first I want to do some "air piano" to "Old Devil Moon."

June 25th:

Arwen confiscated my Jamie Cullum recordings. She said she was tired of hearing it blasting through the house and I paid more attention to that musician than I did to her. I think I really tried her patience when I was listening to his music while we were making out the other night. I don't think she liked the fact that I wore headphones. When she asked if she could listen too, I told her I preferred it my way, as it made me feel very close and intimate with Mr Cullum. It's really very selfish of her not to cater to my needs.

Anyway, she confiscated my recordings and even thought I tried to sway her with a charismatic rendition of my air-piano to one of his songs, she did not falter.

June 26th:

I'll teach her. Everytime she tries to talk to me, I'll reply using only lyrics from Jamie Cullum songs. How clever!

June 28th:

Perhaps it wasn't so clever. When Arwen asked me if I wanted her to make me dinner, I replied sassily, "Well you needn't." She took that to heart and I ended up eating a serviette for dinner.

Also, Arwen was receding into depression. She asked me what her point in existence was. So I replied, "Your'e nobody till somebody loves you …" A big smile spread across her face and she said, "And you love me …" but the I replied, "Well it ain't necessarily so…"

Arwen ran off crying, so I panicked and shouted after her, "Singing in the rain! High and Dry! Next year Baby! I want to be a popstar!" It didn't help a terrible lot.

I think I'd be good as a popstar. However, I'll have to settle for King.

June 30th:

I cannot believe a whole month passed and I didn't even think about considering working on my punning! The Pun'n'poets meet again early next month … what am I to do? My marriage is in shambles, my city is in disarray … and I blame Jamie Cullum!! If he weren't so damn seductive in a piano virtuoso hobbit kind of way, none of this would have happened. Curse be on thee Jamie!

For those shaking their heads in disappointment at my averageness, let me explain: I felt bad about not updating in so long, so I set out to write a chapter in one hit.

However, I was stuck for ideas.

A few days before, I had bought Jamie Cullum's second album, "Pointless Nostalgic."

So I combined the two. Badly, but hey.

I'm sorry if I somehow offended any Jamie Cullum fans out there … and I'm sorry to all the people who have no idea who he is because this chapter would have been utterly irrelevant for you.

Even so, feel like reviewing?

Go on, you know you want to?

Please?

Thanks anyway.