Hey there everyone. I'm sorry for the extreme lapse in any updates ... I think the last one was March? Or something. I forget. Anyway, I've just been way too busy but now I've gotten half my exams out the way, I've got a little more time. Until I start studying for the next exam. Which is in two days. Should Start.

Anyway, I also blame my disgraceful lapse on the fact that I've been stuck for ideas. The one for this chapter is pretty terrible … I'm really scraping the bottom of the barrel here. Its kind of self indulgent too, but I spose in that sense its not as bad as the last one. I should have realised most people haven't heard of Jamie Cullum. He has a new album out by the way. Its okay.

I managed to lose all my fanfiction files on my computer, so I'm not sure what month I was up to. I think it was June. Or July. Shit. Well, lets just say July. If its wrong and it turns out I've skipped June, it's just an accident. As a rule I've never had anything against Geminis. Or borderline Cancerians.

Besides, like four people read this anyway, two of them friends of mine so I'm sure no one has been suffering a great deal. Bless.

1st July:

Well, the Pun'n'Poets society has resumed again. Actually they held a meeting today. I felt sorry for them, they clearly forgot I was part of their group. They had already locked the door by the time I got to the meeting room. Funny, because I was eager and arrived ten minutes early. They clearly had no idea I was standing outside knocking at the window because everytime I knocked, they simply chanted poetry louder. So I began knocking out of time to their chanting in a most distracting manner. I really wanted to get in on that meeting, see. They were reciting "Sonnet of the Summer Lamby-lambs" which is a favourite of mine. Unfortunately once I started my knocking they all must have simultaneously succumbed to some kind of ear infection because they all covered their ears and kept on chanting louder. I did not want to irritate their eardrums, so I left. No matter, I'll just join them next week. Maybe I'll bring some poetry from my own collection. Arwen has a reasonable collection of Emily Dickinson. She's an uplifting sort of poet. But I don't know why she's always going on about death. It must be a metaphor for something. Maybe life.

4th July:

I made breakfast this morning. Arwen isn't well, so I made some for her too and offered to bring it to her in bed. She seemed pleased. I made a pretty good breakfast for her considering. I made her an egg on toast, sprinkled with parmesan cheese (Arwen says she likes things that are small and flaky, and that's why she enjoys procreation with yours truly. She tells that joke all the time. I tell her its not funny to make fun of a mans biceps. I can't help the way they are) with a tall, cool glass of apple juice.

I had trouble cooking the eggs. I didn't know they only needed a few minutes on the pan, so after I cracked them, I went and had a long hot bubble bath. By the time I got out they were pretty charred black and stuck to the pan. So I chiseled them off, but then I had a problem. I had no plates. I hunted around for something like a plate, but the only thing I could find was my Frisbee. It was clean, but I needed it. What would I have done if Gandalf decided to pop by for a visit? So I put the Frisbee aside and went into the garage. I ended up finding an old shield from all the One Ring pizzazz, and figured that would do. It had some old blood on it, most likely from slaying orcs outside the black gate, but you know, I don't think HIV is very common amongst orcs so I figured it would be okay. Unfortunately it was a bit big as it was as tall as me, but hey. So I dropped the charred eggs in the middle, but then realised I had no parmesan. So I ruffled my scalp and used some of my dandruff. And really … it was quite a nice breakfast. But you wouldn't think so they way Arwen complained. She didn't stop! "You forgot the bread!" or "I have no fork!" or "The shields cutting my neck!"

I will rethink doing favours for people in the future.

5th July:

Arwen is still complaining about the breakfast I made for her, just because she may have a blood disease from the shield. Its okay, elves can't die from sickness, but a blood disease will make her menstruation awful uncomfortable for the next year. Ew. Now I'll have to sleep on the couch. Anyway, about the complaints, well, enough is enough! "What about the apple juice?" I shot back. You can't complain about that!" Arwen glowered at me. "What apple Juice?" She demanded. "Don't pretend you don't know!" I snapped. "I brought a lovely tall glass of water with a delectable apple floating in it! That apple juice!" Arwen sighed in a defeated kind of way. "Number one, an apple floating in water does not count as apple juice, that's just an apple floating in water. Number two, Aragorn, that wasn't an apple, it was a chunk of beehive."

Well lah-de-dah Mrs Education.

7th July:

I feel bad for lashing out at Arwen. I was just projecting. I've been reading Freud. Can you tell?

10th July:

Turns out Arwen is actually pretty sick. Turns out she has a blood disease, incisions to the throat and had swallowed several waterlogged, yet angry bees. She's been taken away for minor surgery by Elrond. I wanted to go, but Elrond says I'm a danger to her. I understand. If I was in the same room as her when she was getting surgery, there's a chance that some nurses would be distracted by my rugged handsomeness and make a mistake while operating. So I'll stay away.

12th July:

Perhaps I should re do the house while she is away. I mean, its my fault she is unwell … I suppose … so it would be a nice surprise for her when she returns home. Besides, things like this never go wrong.

15th July:

Well, I've gotten some supplies for my home renovation. You know, manly things like crepe paper, curly coloured string and such. I'm going to make this place pretty.

17th July:

I've decided that I'm going to hold a working bee. If that's not masculine then nothing is. I've invited all my mates from the Pun'n'Poets, Legolas, Frodo, Sam, Pippin and Merry (not cause I like him but mainly cause I invited Pippin and I don't want to look like a butthead) Gimli (cause I hear is god with an axe), Elrond, Eowyn, Faramir, three of the lost seeing stones and Mowgli from the Jungle Book. The phrase is on the invitation is pretty damn catchy : "Come bee a part of this working bee and bee active for my wife is sick as she swallowed bees and that has nothing to do with mee."

18th July:

Do you know what sucks? New episodes of The Simpsons. And that song by that terrible boring punk band that goes for ten minutes. And female vocalists (and I mean "vocalist" in the broadest possible sense of the word) who end their name with double ee's.

20th July:

I'm setting up for the working bee, which is on in a few days. I've been gathering supplies and stuff. Are people meant to RSVP to these things? Will they bring snacks? I'll nary say no to a cheeseplate. Anyway, I've set up a portaloo in the backyard. I don't want them using my thunderbox … Elves can be surprisingly messy on the crapper. Okay its not really a portaloo, it's a hole in the ground. But I've put up walls and such.

Okay there are no walls, but there's a really big bush.

Yep, right, there's no bush. But you know, the hole's at the back of the yard.

Okay, all right. It's in the front yard. In view.

And theres no hole. I lied about that.

Fine. I expect them to crap in the letterbox. I don't like excrement and I'm sure Arwen wont mind cleaning it out when she gets home.

23rd July:

Well, the working bee was yesterday. It was, well, a complete fiasco now that I think about it. For starters, hardly anyone showed up. None of the hobbits did, which bothered me because I was really counting on them for that cheeseplate. Also, none of the Pun'n'Poets turned up either. I suspect all their invitations got lost in the mail. Naturally Mowgli didn't because he is a fictional character. Duh. Plus Faramir didn't turn up. In fact the only people who did were Gimli, who marched up to me armed with an axe and asked me what I'd like him to destroy so he could say that he'd done his part and leave. Apparently he had a date. Yeah. With A corpse.

That's just my anger talking I didn't mean that.

Oh yeah, Eowyn turned up too. Despite the fact she is married to faramir, I suspect she still fancies me. She pretends that she's an elf nowadays, wears a long brown wig and spends her time walking around slowly looking demure and holding dainty flowers. She's even changed her name to Erwen. So she didn't do too much. In fact, the whole day the only thing that was done was that Gimli chopped down one of the walls to our bedroom. Then he left. He didn't even clean it up. There's rubble and shit everywhere.

After a few hours I managed to get Eo – sorry –Erwen out of my yard by promising that I'd meet her in Rohan in three days. That should buy me at least four hours until she realises she's an idiot.

Once again, that's just my anger talking.

25th July:

Well, the house is exactly the same minus one wall. I don't think it would be right to say that I made things any better, but the important lesson here is Be yourself.

Right?

Well nothing to do except wait for Arwen to come home. Maybe she'll fix the wall.

Please review guys, I'm wallowing in crapulence right now because I just realised that Daniel Radcliffe is hot. Shut up, shut up, shut up.