DISCLAIMER: The following work of Fan Fiction is based upon the Harry Potter Universe which is the work of J.K. Rowling. No infringement of either copyright or financial gain is intended by this work.
The Author owns nothing of the Known or Cannon Characters in this work. Except, perhaps, the idea for this story.
Summary : With the death of his Godfather, what else is there for him when all he has left is his anger against his own Heart's Nobility.
Chapter 2 – Runaway from Myself
31 July 1996 – #4 Privet Drive, The Smallest Bedroom
Once again it was the dead of night. Cold darkness covered the whole of England…
Thick and dark clouds obscure the only light that was there. The full moon vainly trying to break through the swirling molasses that promised another storm.
Once again, in the smallest bedroom, in that quaint little suburb of Little Whinging, a tortured soul tossed and turned. Disturbed by his dreams and punished by his own guilt.
Like the night before and before even that, Harry woke screaming…
What do I do to ignore them behind me?
Do I follow my instincts blindly?
Do I hide my pride from these bad dreams
And give in to sad thoughts that are maddening?
"Voldemort". He whispered against the dark of his room.
'Yesss.' An ominous voice hissed backed at him in his mind.
"What do you want?" he answered fiercely as he gritted his teeth against the splitting pain on his forehead.
'Does it hurt boy?'. The Dark Lord asked, ignoring Harry's question. 'I'm paying you back, you know… for the fifteen odd years I've spent in nothingness…'
"Is it my fault you were stupid enough to fulfill our own prophesy?" Harry taunted back. He won't give the bastard any satisfaction.
Voldemort fell silent and Harry thought he was gone…
'If it were mine… then I believe you're even more stupid and gullible than I… It's your fault that they died…' Voldemort hissed and once again the pain threatened to split Harry's forehead.
"I did not kill them…" Harry started to say, his voice beginning to rise.
'Oh… if you weren't born or if you died then I would have no reason to go after them do I? Your parents would still be alive… That boy –the spare- in the graveyard would have lived… and your precious godfather might even be alive…'
Is Voldemort right? His friends kept writing him… telling him it wasn't his fault. Remus said that it was the way Sirius would have wanted to go… fighting deatheaters and protecting those he loved. Hermione said she had faith in him when she called last week…
But why was he feeling that Voldemort was telling the truth… Maybe… maybe if he didn't exist…?
'Tell me boy… Do you really have any friends? Do they really love you as they say?... They just need you to be their tool… and do you really think, you, a skinny, stupid boy could do anything against me?' Voldemort taunted knowing that his prey would break far easier than he expected.
'I'm in your mind; I control your dreams… I can destroy your friends…' He continued saying when Harry didn't answer.
"Dumbledore will protect them…" Harry replied weakly, not even convinced with what he had said.
Do I sit here and try to stand it?
Or do I try to catch them red-handed?
Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness,
Or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness?
'Ha!...' Voldemort scoffed. 'That old fool can do nothing…'
"He can… He defeated Grindewald. And… and… everyone says that you're afraid of him…" Harry retorted.
'He is nothing compared to the power I now wield…' Voldemort replied, anger evident in his voice.
"Your confidence in your power will be your undoing…" Harry said, as somehow he felt an unknown confidence entering him… surrounding him… comforting, strengthening.
'Your faith in your friends will be yours…' Voldemort replied coolly, the smirk entirely evident from his tone. 'Do you really trust those so called friend of yours?... do they trust you?'
"…what do you mean…?" He asked as the comfort abruptly left as he fell back against his pillow, doubts once again poisoning his resolve.
'Did they ever tell you what they are to each other… or that they've been inducted to Dumbledore's precious order… ?' Voldemort laughed in Harry's mind, sending chills up his spine along with more pain in his scar. 'That fool Dumbledore trusts them more than he trusts you… and… (see the irony in this) your friends were charged to watch over you… to think that you're the one protecting them makes you even more simple minded than I thought…'
Because I can't hold on when I'm stretched so thin
I make the right moves but I'm lost within
I put on my daily façade but then
I just end up getting hurt again
By myself
"They can't… they've would've told me…?... h-how did you know all this?" Harry stuttered as anger and disbelief started to take him.
'They don't trust you… they don't need you…who would, when every body you know has their own…a family, a loved one… but you?' Voldemort taunted him again, ignoring Harry's last question.
Harry felt something drop in his guts. 'Is it true…?' he thought furiously.
'Yesss… think about it… since you've always been alone anyway… why do you need them?' Voldemort hissed in pleasure…
Anger burned inside of Harry. "What do you want?" He voiced his question again.
There was a pause again, as if the Dark Lord was thinking over the question… but finally he answered.
'You.'
…pain flowed through Harry… from his head to his toes, pain that drove him to the borders of insanity….
… and as it poured on, he saw flashes of green and red light and he knew… Voldemort was happy.
******************
I ask why, but in my mind
I find I can't rely on myself
Harry woke up the next day, feeling something sticky on his forehead. He moved his left hand to touch it while his right groped for his glasses.
Taking a look at his left hand he found that his forehead had been bleeding. As quick as he could manage, he went over to the bathroom swaying groggily. He splashed his face with cold water and went back to his room.
Though he just woke up, he dropped tiredly to sit on the side of his bed and held his head in his hand, further ruffling his already messy raven black hair… and sighed…
If I turn my back I'm defenseless
And to go blindly seems senseless
If I hide my pride and let it all go on
Then they'll take from me 'till everything is gone
'I'm tired… I'm bloody sixteen and I feel… old…' Harry though resignedly.
'I can't do this anymore… the bastard's right… I'm on my own… I've always been on my own.' He mused. Then he remembered all the adventures he'd had with his friends and realized that…
'Every bleedin' time, I stood to face him alone… I had some help to get there… but in the end, it didn't really matter…'
His first year flashed in his mind and he remembered, what Ron said… what he said, reaffirmed to Hermione.
"Ron's right… I should go on…"
Second Year… to rescue Ginny… Hermione Petrified… Ron left on the otherside of the stone wall…
"I'm going on…"
Fourth year… Cedric… "Kill the spare" … fateful words and he was alone…
Fifth Year… Sirius…
Now, His fault, all of them… almost getting all of them killed…
"It is our choices who make us who we are…"
'Even Dumbledore know… if that was what he meant… '
"Neither can live while the other survives"
'To Murder or be Murdered…' His thoughts trailed in a jumble.
If I let them go I'll be outdone
But if I try to catch them I'll be outrun
If I'm killed by the questions like a cancer
Then I'll be buried in the silence of the answer
By myself
'If the choices I've made make me who I am, then without a doubt… I am a menace… I almost got my friends killed… DID get my friends killed…'
'The choices I made…' The words echoed through his mind.
"This time, I hope what I'm compelled to do is right…" Harry said resolutely.
I ask why, but in my mind
I find I can't rely on myself
Harry straightened up from his bent position and ruefully looked outside his window. The cheerful air of midmorning as he heard the voices of children laughing and playing from the nearby park… they mock him.
The twittering birds as the collected food for their young and build their nests… they mock him.
The invigorating sunlight which bathes his room as floating dust scattered the light seeping in… chilled him.
I can't hold on
To what I want when I'm stretched so thin
It's all too much to take in
I can't hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in
"No! I can't do this anymore…" Harry whispered in defiance as his tears flowed again.
"But I can't let them alone… even if they did betray me… But, I can't rely on them anymore… I've got to learn to rely on myself!"
How do you think I've lost so much
I'm so afraid, I'm out of touch
How do you expect I will know what to do
When all I know is what you tell me to
Don't you know
I can't tell you how to make it go
No matter what I do, how hard I try
I can't seem to convince myself why
I'm stuck on the outside
"Tonight, for better or worse, I'm going to find myself… and maybe, hopefully, even if my friends won't forgive me… I hope they'd understand… someday…"
****************************
01 August 1996
The full moon bathe the late night sky in it's borrowed light. As a summer wind blew against the trees and making them sway, a dark, solitary figure crept slowly out of his bedroom window….
Harry went silently on to walk the similar path he took three years ago when he thought he was being stalked by a deranged murderer... Sirius
His gut tightened again at the thought, and once more his traitorous mind went against him as he remember what he had and lost… his fault…
Graffiti decorations
Under the sky of dust
A constant wave of tension
Snape's fault… Dumbledore's fault… Kreatcher's fault… Voldemorts fault… Pettigrew's fault…
And once again it turned full circle as the heaviest burden lay…
'my fault…' he thought grimly as he fumbled for his wand to summon the Knight Bus.
'Would anything really be different if I knew the truth before, won't I still be tricked by Tom?' He thought some more as a bang signaling the knight Bus' arrival jolted him back.
On top of broken trust
The lessons that you taught me
I learned were never true
"The dead never really leaves us…" Dumbledore's voice echoed in his already fragile mind.
'Like everything else.. a lie… ofcourse when you die, you leave nothing… if he believes in that rubbish then I'm even a bigger fool for believing him."
Now I find myself in question
They point the finger at me again
Guilty by association
You point the finger at me again
'Why?..." He though as he twiddled his fingers nervously while being jolted in his seat as the Knight Bus jumped from place to place.
"Everytime… I manage to find a good thing… why do I lose it…?" He thought further. Deep inside he knew the answer though. It doesn't comfort him.
I wanna run away
Never say goodbye
I wanna know the truth
Instead of wondering why
I wanna know the answers
No more lies
I wanna shut the door
And open up my mind
Harry got off somewhere in central London.
Though it was late, a few people still loitered round to do business in the cloak of night…
He successfully avoided most of the more callous ones except the One that's always with him… in him…
Paper bags and angry voices
Under a sky of dust
Another wave of tension
Has more than filled me up
All my talk of taking action
These words were never true
"What can I do?... is there more to me than I am…" He questioned as he ambled on.
"What power do I have that Voldemort doesn't know?... who am I?
…am I just The-Boy-Who-Lived… Can't I be just Harry…?"
Endless questions and the endless puzzles that was his life confused him further…
Now I find myself in question
They point the finger at me again
Guilty by association
You point the finger at me again
"What do my friends really think of me… do they really know me… is Snape right? Am I just an image of my father… what about Mom?... why did she sacrificed herself for me… did she loved me that much…" He said to himself.
"What about those others who died while they protected their loved ones? Were they able to save them… I may be stupid but…I'm sure other mothers have sacrificed themselves for their children, but, from what I can remember… entire families were killed during Voldemort's first reign…?" Harry furthered his debate with himself.
Harry sighed in frustration… He couldn't understand… couldn't comprehend…
"It's in your skin, Harry… your mothers love…" Dumbledore's voice echoed once again…
'What the fuck is love? If it's merely being willing to die for another… then that's just weak, well, in my case I think it would be… Snape will just say I'm trying to be a hero again… Hermione would say it's because of my saving-people thing…' a thought jolted him as a dull throb was sent from his guts to his heart.
"Well, atleast she's happy with Ron… what the hell do I care anyway…" He whispered angrily to himself but just as abruptly calmed down and thought of 'why does it matter?'.
'Hermione, my voice of reason…' he thought, just as he whispered fondly. "My conscience… my guardian angel…"
I'm gonna run away, and never say goodbye
Gonna run away
Gonna run away
He was so engrossed with his thoughts that he didn't notice the speeding car looming at him as he crossed the road…
I'm gonna run away and never wonder why
Gonna run away
Gonna run away
Harry heard a noise… squealing tires?... honking horn?....
I'm gonna run away and open up my mind
Gonna run away
Gonna run away
Harry looked up to late as the bright lights of the speeding car framed him like a spotlight and then just as sudden, a sharp pain streaked through his body…
At first he was dully aware of people looking over him… bright fuzzy light all around him. He could even hear voices calling out for an ambulance or something about getting his ID.
As the moments passed and breathing was becoming a chore… he saw visions of things he'd done… somehow they didn't make him hurt anymore… nothing can hurt him as a warm… almost comforting aura of peace settled unto him…
As the last image of his so called life flashed by he saw the soothing image of his bushy-haired… scratch that, once bushy haired… friend smiling at him… he felt a twinge of guilt and remorse he wouldn't be seeing her again…
'I'm Sorry, 'Mione…' Harry's last thought trailed as his heart stopped beating.
************
In a wizzarding house somewhere north of London known to a few as #12 Grimmauld Place a pretty brunette woke up screaming just as her tears fell unabated…
"HARRY!!! OH GOD NO, NOT HARRY!!!!!"
AN
I suggest this chapter be read with Linkin Park's Runaway and By Myself in accompaniment… and if you prefer (and can do it) under strobe lights = my picture on Harry's Psyche after OotP.
AN2
To Everybody,
Wow, and I mean WOW! This story is being appreciated… that's… Wow!
Begin Rant:
Btw, how come I don't have a Beta reader… (The Icy Manipulator eyed everybody else with jealousy)… I mean, everybody's got one but me!!!???!!!
End Rant:
I don't know why, but I've got a bunch of stuff I'd like to do with WotF but it ends up being perfect (in my mind) in Heart's Nobility. But, don't fret… Chapter 15 and hopefully Chapter 16 of WotF will be out in a few days as well as a Harry/Luna shorty I've been working on and, if I don't get another block… and as long as my PC and Palm cooperate… Chapter 17 of WotF and Chapter 4 of HN a few days after.