Secrets Chapter Five

Days later, Kara would hear the whole story of how a glowering Commander Adama came to be standing on the Prometheus now, with those blessed, kick-ass Marines in tow.

It had begun with Lee's unmanned Raptor, sent out by Phelan's men. Galactica's dradis had tracked the erratically drifting Raptor within minutes of its launch. Kara would hear later how the CAP had been sent to investigate it, and how they had soberly reported on its broken hatch door, and its ghostly cockpit, yawning open to the cold emptiness of space as the ship slowly rotated, drifting aimlessly.

She would hear how they had realized that the Raptor's numbers matched the one Lee Adama had piloted from the Galactica three days earlier.

And she would hear how the Commander had looked, when he had been given the news.

He had entered the CIC moments after Lieutenant Gaeta had received confirmation that the empty Raptor was Lee's. With Colonel Tigh off duty, it fell to Gaeta to break the news to the Old Man. Onlookers later whispered about the Commander's reaction. How he had simply stared at Gaeta for long moments, without moving, his face rigid, impassive.

Then he had cleared his throat, and his voice had come out hoarsely. "Have you spoken with the ship the Raptor was launched from?"

"Yes, sir, the Prometheus. They confirmed that Captain Adama launched the Raptor from there about thirty minutes ago. And, sir…." Gaeta's voice had been as quiet and controlled as ever, but his next words came very slowly. "They also have three witnesses who state that the Captain wasn't… wearing…a flight suit. I'm sorry, sir."

Adama had drawn a small, sharp intake of breath, and his mouth had tightened to a thin, pained line, as he continued to look fixedly at Gaeta. Then, he had leaned forward slightly as if in physical pain, his hands reaching out to grip the console in front of him. His face had suddenly looked ravaged. Heartbroken. Old.

"Has the CAP found his b…seen him near the Raptor?" He had rasped out the question.

Gaeta said, very quietly, "No sir, they've made no visual ID on anyone, yet."

The CIC had been absolutely still, Kara was told later, the only sound the soft whirring of the dradis screens. Adama had slumped slightly, struggling with his breathing, hands white-knuckled from gripping the console.

Then the Commander had looked up, and his eyes had blazed with a fierce rage.

"Call the XO to take over here, Lt. Gaeta. And have an armed Marine squadron meet me in the Raptor launching bay in ten minutes."

"Sir?" Gaeta had said, questioningly.

Adama bit out his next words. "I'm going to that ship."

But Kara knew nothing of that yet. She stood in the Prometheus, waves of blissful relief overriding the throbbing agony in her left shoulder, enjoying the beautiful sight of Commander Adama in a towering rage.

"I said, lower your weapons!" he shouted again, and the Marines moved in to disarm the men. Two Marines stepped to Kara's side, and two others began grabbing the men who had tackled Lee, still hidden under them on the floor.

"Starbuck, are you all right?" The Commander's eyes had softened as he moved toward her, though his body was still rigid with tension.

"I'm fine, sir, but Lee…"

At the very instant she said Lee's name, the last of his assailants was pulled off him by the Marines. Commander Adama looked down, and for the first time since entering the room, saw his son.

Lee was lying still, breathing heavily, his pale face marked with the bruises and bloodstains of his last hellish twenty-four hours. Blood trickled from a fresh cut on his mouth.

Then he opened his eyes slowly, and his gaze locked on his father's. He let out a small sigh. "Dad."

The tension suddenly left Adama's body, and his face crumpled very slightly when he saw his son. Lee struggled to rise, and his father reached down his arms to encircle his son's chest, pulling him to his feet.

And then he held him, in a long, fierce embrace. Lee leaned heavily on his father, his body sagging, as if realizing he could finally allow himself the luxury of letting go, knowing there was someone else now who would take care of him.

Kara watched father and son, then looked away, feeling like an intruder on their emotion. She was once again acutely conscious of pain. Not only the excruciating physical pain in her shoulder, but an emotional pain as well, an aching loneliness at her core. Watching them had brought back a sudden memory of her own father, holding her after one of her mother's vicious tirades. Her eyes prickled with unshed tears.

When Adama finally pulled back, Lee staggered slightly, and Kara said quickly, "He's had a concussion, sir."

Lee gave her a weary smile, "And you've got a bullet in your left shoulder, Kara."

Adama's eyes leapt to her shoulder, then her face, and the warm concern in his eyes was almost her undoing.

"Kara," he said gently, while releasing one arm from Lee and reaching out to her, He pulled her tenderly toward him, his face soft, paternal. Holding each of them close, he said, "Let's get you both back to the ship."

And while the Marines finished disarming and handcuffing the men, Commander Adama led his children back to the waiting Raptor. And brought them home.

A week later, in the hangar bay, Kara scowled as she idly checked through supply lists on available repair parts for the Vipers and Raptors. It was dull work, perfect for grounded pilots, but she couldn't—and didn't try—to keep her mind from wandering.

Commander Adama had begun an investigation into the running of the Prometheus the day after their dramatic rescue, and not a few former residents were already on their way to a closer acquaintance with Tom Zarek on the Astral Queen.

She and Lee had spent some time in sickbay, forced to listen to Doc Cottle scolding them for their stupidity. Both were damned lucky to escape without any lasting damage, he declared, and he seemed to take perverse pleasure in grounding them from flying for at least two weeks.

Cottle had kept Kara in sickbay after Lee's release, which irked her competitive nature. Lee hadn't tried to hide his own amusement at her grousing. He showed up the day after his own release, and stood smirking a few feet from her, listening as she annoyed Cottle into finally signing her out.

"All right, get the hell out of here," Cottle grumbled, as he finished scrawling his name on the form. An unlit cigarette bobbed between his lips. "But you," he pointed at Kara. "Don't play with guns anymore. And you," he jabbed a finger at Lee. "Make sure she doesn't give you any Starbuck love taps on that skull of yours."

Kara made a face at him, muttering "oh, frak off," under her breath. But she sighed in relief as she fell into step with Lee, heading toward the officers' duty locker.

"So, you up for some boxing?" Lee teased.

"Only if you want your ass kicked." Kara flashed her huge grin.

Lee let out a laughing sound of protest. "You know, Lieutenant, you just guaranteed that we're going a few rounds once you don't have a sorry-ass excuse of a sore shoulder to fall back on."

Then, as they turned the corner of the corridor, his voice got a little more serious. "How does it feel?"

"It's fine," Kara said determinedly. And she raised her left arm a couple of times while flexing and unflexing her hand to demonstrate her mobility. The accompanying wince of pain she hid almost totally.

But he caught it, and though he smiled a little, didn't comment.

They reached the officers' locker and Lee swung open the hatch door. "You're off duty the rest of today," he said, but when he noted her smug smile, added, "But don't get too excited, since I put you back on, starting tomorrow."

"Thanks so much, boss," Kara good naturedly grumbled, opening her locker and shoving in the extra clothes Lee had brought to sickbay for her the day before. "And since I'm grounded, I suppose it's going to be lots of lovely paperwork for me."

Lee grinned. "No, actually, I've got you working as an assistant for Col. Tigh for the next week."

Kara swung around at him, mouth open, ready to yell or swear or both. He threw up his hands in self-defense. "It's just a week!"

"What the frak do you think…" She was almost spitting out the words, but stopped when Lee burst out laughing.

"Oh, Lords, your face! I'm kidding, Kara!"

She smacked his arm at that, but couldn't help laughing as well. She sat down on her rack, and he leaned on the edge of the table in front of her.

They both grew quiet. Lee's fingers softly and nervously tapped the table as he looked down at his feet. Kara felt a stir of uneasiness.

Finally, he cleared his throat, and said quietly, "When we were on the Prometheus, you asked me why I had gone there. I told you it was a long story. I'd really like to tell you about it, if you want to hear it."

He looked up at her, then, His face was open, vulnerable, but his eyes were shadowed with sadness.

He was asking her to hear his confession.

Kara's body tensed. She looked down, breaking his gaze. Oh frak, she thought. I can't do this right now. I can't. I just can't. A kind of panic rose in her. She hated this kind of shit. And he knew that. Confessions sucked. Why rip scabs off wounds that were better left alone?

I'm his friend, a voice inside her warned. He's asking me. This kind of crap is what friends do.

But she was stabbed by the thought that if she heard his confession, she'd have to hear about Shevon.

She'd have to hear Lee describe how and why he had gone from kissing her, to frakking another woman.

And she didn't want to know. She didn't want to hear it. She wanted to forget the whole damn thing had happened.

Her panic and guilt began to mingle with anger. Damn it. He shouldn't have asked her to do this!

The silence lengthened. Then, finally, gazing down at the general vicinity of her toes, Kara took the easy way out.

"You know, Lee, I'm really tired right now. And anyway, the Doc said you should resting your head. You know, with the concussion and all? How about if, um, we do this another time. Okay?"

Silence. She chanced a glance up at him.

He was still leaning against the table, but had turned his head a little away from her, and was looking fixedly at a nearby locker. His face had closed up. He didn't say anything for a long minute, then turned back to her, his eyes unreadable. In a flat voice, he said, "Yeah, sure. I understand. We'll do it another time."

He held her gaze a few moments longer, his eyes challenging her. Accusing her.

Then he gave a slight, self-mocking smile, shook his head, and said stiffly, "Right. I'll see you later."

As he turned to go, Kara found herself saying, "Wait, Lee."

He turned back. "What is it, Kara?" His voice was flat, his face impassive.

She bit her lip. Part of her wanted to take it back. But she didn't have the guts. "Nothing, just—I'll see you later, okay?"

"See ya." And he was gone.

Since then she had seen him—hell, she saw him every day—but always with other people around, at briefings, in the rec room, in the locker. Once she had headed to the gym, only to stop outside the hatch when she glimpsed him alone inside, attacking the bag with a barely controlled fury. She had been tempted to march in and chew him out for it. Frakkin' idiot, she thought. He shouldn't be pushing himself so hard yet. But she didn't say a word, merely backed away before he saw her.

He had been curt and snappish with the pilots. They had grumbled about the CAG's pissy mood, most chalking it up to his frustration over being grounded.

Kara said nothing. But she and Lee avoided being alone together, through unspoken agreement.

And Kara missed him.

She knew it was her fault. He had asked her for something, and she had refused him because she was a coward . Afraid of hearing what she didn't want to hear.

Afraid of finding herself saying what she didn't want to say.

Would his confession lead to one of her own? Would she find herself talking about Anders? About Zak? About all the frakked up and painful memories that she didn't want to revisit, at all?

No. Better this way. He'd get over it. Or so she tried to make herself believe.

A sudden commotion broke into her reverie. Three Vipers were returning from flying CAP, and the deck came alive with activity. She idly flipped through her supply lists again, then happened to glance up at the catwalk above the deck.

Commander Adama was there, leaning on the rails, watching the activity below. They caught each other's eyes and smiled.

Needing a break, Kara laid down her papers, stretched, and climbed the steps to join him.

"How are you feeling?" the commander asked.

"Fine. Shoulder's much better. But Cottle's still acting like a mother hen, refusing to clear me for flight duty yet."

Adama smiled. "You and Lee will be out there soon enough."

They leaned together on the catwalk railing in companionable silence.

Then Adama gave her a sideways look. " I never got a chance to thank you, Kara."

"Sir?"

He was looking down now at his clasped hands on the railing. "For worrying about Lee."

She shot him a startled glance, struck with an uncomfortable sense of having her mind read. He continued, "When he was on the Prometheus for three days without a word."

Oh, that. Kara couldn't help feeling a slight, but satisfying smugness. She had been right to worry.

He gazed thoughtfully on the activity below. "After you left my quarters that day, I thought about what you said. You asked me if I had noticed anything wrong with him. If I had talked to him about it."

He gave a pained smile. "I told you I thought we should respect his privacy."

She nodded, remembering.

"It was a cop-out," he sighed, looking back at his hands. "And I realized that a few hours after you had left my office." He shook his head. "I didn't talk to Lee because…well, I don't really know how to do that, and I wasn't sure if he wanted me to.

"But your concern about him brought me up short. Got me thinking. It was unlike him not to have contacted either of us. So, I started asking the questions I should have asked already. And I found out the same information you did."

"You talked to Dee?"

He nodded. "And Zarek. Dee told me you had contacted him. When I called him, he told me what he had told you. We evidently used similar 'persuasion' techniques on him."

She smiled at that.

"In fact, the moment I finished speaking to him I headed to the CIC, to get a Marine team together for the Prometheus. That's when Lieutenant Gaeta told me that the CAP had found Lee's empty Raptor." His face twisted a little with the memory. "I thought I was too late. I might have been too late."

She nodded sympathetically.

"But, Lieutenant?" And now his voice was stern.

'Lieutenant.' Not 'Kara.' She stood up straighter, faced him, and braced herself.

"I am disappointed about something. When you went to the Prometheus to find Lee, it was because of information that Tom Zarek had given you. Information that suggested Lee was in danger. Isn't that right?"

Kara's smugness faded instantly, replaced by a sick feeling in the pit of her stomach. "Yes, sir."

"That was information that I should have had. And you didn't tell me." Adama was giving her the 'Look' now, the one everyone on Galactica feared. His mouth was thin, his eyes boring a hole through her.

"No, sir." She swallowed. "I'm sorry, sir."

"Why didn't you?" he demanded.

"Zarek said I should go alone, and um…" Her voice trailed away. "I just wasn't …thinking." How's that for weak, half-assed excuses, she winced to herself.

The commander still stared sternly at her.

"You're one of my officers, Starbuck. I need my officers to think."

Kara squared her soldiers. Gods, she hated this. "Yes, sir."

"You also put your own life in danger, without telling anyone where you were going. It almost ended with you and Lee both dead."

He continued, his voice quiet but firm. "We can't lose both…" He stopped himself and sighed. "I can't lose both of you." His face softened imperceptibly.

"Yes, sir. I'm sorry, sir." She said in a small voice, but meaning every word.

His posture relaxed, and Kara gave an inaudible sigh, released from the intense gaze that had immobilized her. When Adama spoke again, his voice was gentler. "You screwed up. But, you were there to save his life." He gave her a little smile. "Makes it hard to stay mad at you when you go and do something like that."

He turned and leaned on the railings again.

Lecture over, Kara let out her breath in relief.

Or, maybe not..for Adama was continuing. "I've noticed that you and Lee both can forget to think when it comes to each other."

Kara's eyes widened. She had no idea how to respond to that, so she didn't, merely leaned on the railing again herself, watching fixedly while Chief barked out orders to a crew member below.

Adama gave her a sidelong glance, then continued. "The military life is a life governed by rules. One of those rules forbids the mixing of personal relationships within the command structure. It makes sense, because it can impair judgment. It's hard to order someone you love into combat. Hard to risk the life of someone you can't bear to imagine losing."

The commander gave a little smile. "I should know," he said dryly. "My son is the CAG."

Kara couldn't help smiling. He chuckled a little, as well. "Admiral Cain busted me on that. That's one reason she transferred Lee to the Pegasus. Was she right in questioning my judgment?"

He sighed, and shook his head. "In the old world? Absolutely. But we're not living in the old world, anymore. And there's not many of us left, now. I've been thinking, lately, that the old rules, the old patterns…maybe they can't apply anymore. Maybe we need to be willing to make changes.

"We need to survive, obviously. But it can't just be about survival. We need to stay human. We need to support each other through this hell we're stuck in. And maybe the best way to do that is to break with the past, get rid of what doesn't—or can't—work anymore."

He smiled at her again. "Maybe it comes down to this—that we all need to start caring for each other more than we used to."

She nodded slowly, and he looked away from her and cleared his throat. "You and Lee…you seem to have helped each other a lot since the Holocaust."

Kara's mouth curved up a little, and she couldn't resist teasing. "I thought you said we didn't think together."

Adama chuckled. "Well, yeah, I've noticed that too. But I've also seen you working well together. You help each other relax. You make each other laugh. That's important now."

"I guess what I'm saying is that, whatever happens now, among those of us left, well, we'll find a way to make it work.."

Kara bit her lip and shook her head at what he was implying. "I don't know, sir. It's …complicated ….A lot of old stuff from the past…" She let her remarks dribble away.

"Hmm," he mused. "Maybe it's time to let the past go, and figure out who we're going to be now."

She was silent, the fingers of her right hand twisting her ring back and forth on her thumb. He reached for her arm and gave it a gentle squeeze. "I haven't been very good at taking my own advice, Kara. But I'm going to start trying, and I hope others can, too."

She sighed, not meeting his eyes.

He gave her arm a final pat. "Good talking to you, Starbuck." He turned to go, then hesitated and turned back. "You know, if anyone happened to be looking for Lee…"

Kara shot him a startled glance. He continued, looking innocent. "…They'd probably find him in his rack. I happen to know he was ordered to rest a little. He's been overdoing it."

"Doc Cottle ordered that? I bet Lee didn't like it," Kara joked, hoping to deflect attention from her sudden awkwardness.

"No," Adama said. "His father ordered it."

Kara raised her eyebrows quizzically, and he gave a self-deprecating smile. "I asked him, actually. Said I thought he was pushing himself too hard, considering his recent injury. I told him I was worried about him." He paused. "I think he only agreed because he was so surprised to hear me say it. It's not something he's heard much from me over the years."

He smiled ruefully at her one last time, then left.

Damn the Old Man, Kara thought. But her feet, almost unbidden, had begun moving.

His words had pushed her exactly where she had wanted to go for days, but hadn't had the courage. She was going to Lee.

TBC