Thank you for all the kind reviews! They were very encouraging.
Well, here comes the second to last chapter, the climax of this story.
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An iron grip seemed to take a hold of his stomach and abruptly squeeze it with full force. Groaning, Obi-Wan leaned over the toilet bowl and retched. Again. All that he had eaten for months – or so it seemed – was long purged and his stomach was empty. But still, the painfully dry heaves continued and his abdomen was knotted so tightly together it hurt fiercely. Tears and cold sweat streamed down his face with every heave and he panted for breath.
Finally, the nausea ebbed away a bit and Obi-Wan leaned away from the bowl so that his back touched the cold wall. Exhausted, he wiped his forehead and face with the sleeve of his cloak.
Suddenly there were steps outside and Obi-Wan pressed himself further against the grey wall. If there were one thing that would make his situation even more miserable, it would be to be found like this by another Jedi. He did not give the perfect image of a Jedi Master at the moment, half hanging over the toilet bowl, white as a sheet and reeking of vomit. Once again he wished he had made it back to his quarters before nausea and dizziness had overtook him.
The steps drew closer, rather hesitantly, and stopped in front of his cabin.
Obi-Wan slowed down his breathing and tried to make himself completely invisible with the help of the Force but nothing worked as it should have on this day. The door slowly swung open and the Jedi Master cursed himself to have forgotten to lock the door in his hurry to reach the toilet.
"Obi-Wan!"
There, in front of him, stood Bant, his childhood friend, and managed to look shocked, concerned and relieved all with one expression. However, the frozen stance did not last long and she was at his side in an instant.
"I've been very worried, I've looked for you anywhere! Have you been here all the time?" she asked in a rush, while her nimble fingers were already searching for hidden injuries or signs of a dangerous infection. As a healer she knew exactly what to look for.
"Stop it, Bant. I'm not hurt," Obi-Wan protested weakly and tried to shake off her hands.
"No, of course not," Bant answered testily. "I forgot you enjoy to sit in toilet cabins at the evening of your Padawan's Knighting Ceremony and puke the soul out of your body. And now hold still."
Obi-Wan continued to fight her but his movements grew heavy.
"Bant. It's true. I'm not hurt," he tried again, this time very softly. "Not physically, anyway."
Bant immediately stopped in her tracks and looked at him with even more concern in her big eyes. She crouched down and sat beside him, one hand moving to his back and rubbing circles on it.
Obi-Wan turned his head away from her, both deeply moved and annoyed by her concern for him. Whenever anyone did that to him, he felt as if he were a young Padawan again, not a seasoned Jedi Master. Even though Bant's touch indeed was soothing, he would have preferred to stay alone. He felt so exhausted and wretched, he would have liked to weep like a child. As if someone had decided to make his life even more miserable, nausea rose again inside him.
"Care to talk about it?" Bant asked softly, choosing this moment to interrupt their silence.
Obi-Wan shook his head gingerly, wishing that she would leave him alone in his misery. He tried in vain to gulp down the nausea and he felt gentle hands support him as he reached blindly for the toilet bowl. His stomach contracted painfully. Obi-Wan heaved again but there was nothing left to expel except for a small trickle of fluid. Again he gagged, this time entirely dry. Again and again… The dry heaves went on forever. They seemed to get worse instead of better and he was at the end of his strength. He realised that he was sobbing under the heaves and one hand clung tightly to Bant's tunic while the other gripped the basin.
"Shhh, it's alright," Bant soothed at his ear. "Just relax and breathe, it will get better soon. Try and relax." There was a short pause, then a sigh. "Oh Obi, you're a mess."
Finally, the spasmodic grip around his abdomen lessened. Entirely exhausted, Obi-Wan sank against Bant, still sobbing with the effort of sucking in the much needed oxygen. Bant's hands began to massage Obi-Wan's stomach very tenderly and the tight muscles relaxed under the warm touch.
"Thank you," Obi-Wan murmured sleepily. He still ached all over but Bant's magical hands chased away the most imminent pain and he was close to nodding off. He could not tell what was more soothing, Bant's hands or her very presence. Only now he realised how glad he was for her presence, even though he had wished her to the other end of the Galaxy only moments before. But it felt so good just to lie in the arms of someone who cared. It reminded him of his time with Qui-Gon…
"Hey, no sleeping here!" Bant admonished gently, affection showing all over her face.
Obi-Wan's eyes snapped open and he blinked a few times.
"Come on, Obi, I'll help you to your quarters," Bant said. She smoothly slid out from behind Obi-Wan and stood to her feet. The Jedi-Master followed her with his gaze but felt too lazy to move. Bant just shook her head, smiling, and helped him to his feet, bracing him when he got dizzy.
"Careful there, old man, you could hurt yourself," she teased.
"You can mock me all you want," Obi-Wan quipped slowly, his voice a bit slurred. "But as long as you haven't yet taken on a headstrong Padawan of your own, that will give you grey hairs before your time, I won't listen to you."
"Hair?" Bant laughed and shook her bald amphibian head. "And besides, you had this very same excuse for everything much too long, if you ask me. I wonder what you'll come up with when you fail with something, now that Anakin is a Knight."
Obi-Wan felt the tentative smile die upon his lips. Anakin. The Knighting Ceremony. It were not his favourite topics at the moment.
Bant froze in her movements and Obi-Wan saw her bite upon her lips.
"I'm sorry, Obi, I should first think about a thing before speaking it out aloud. Come, we leave for your quarters and then I want to hear the explanation for the poor shape you're in. You're trembling all over."
It was true, Obi-Wan realised, he was shaking badly. However, it could not surprise him anymore. He had a splitting head ache, he felt sick and dizzy, why should he not be trembling?
Bant laid a hand around his waist and slowly they made their way out of the toilet cabin. Obi-Wan was glad there were only few people on the corridors and they reached his quarters quickly. Bant guided him directly to the sofa and let him sit down carefully. As if in a blur there was a blanket draped over his shoulders and an empty bowl pressed into his hands.
"Just in case," Bant had said before she left again for the kitchen. Obi-Wan wanted to shout that he needed nothing to eat or to drink, thank you, but he felt simply too tired. He just sat there and stared into nothingness. The head ache would not leave him, nor would the disturbing pictures from his vision. Every now and then he saw blistering lava or debris in front of his eyes and even worse things… Obi-Wan shook his head to make himself stop thinking of it, but it only increased his head ache. Every now and then he thought he smelled burning flesh and his stomach twisted uncomfortably in response. He just could not make sense of it, never before had a vision been this real. He could not even reach out to the Force because it seemed to be blistering to his touch.
Bant came back and set down a tray with two mugs of tea. She took the empty basin from him and pressed the mug with the darker liquid into Obi-Wan's hand.
"Drink it," she ordered, already shaking her head before he had the chance to say anything. "And don't argue with me. I know you're still feeling sick, I can tell by the greenish colour of your face. But this will help settle down your stomach, I promise."
Obi-Wan glared at his friend but he knew when he was beaten. She would force him if he did not comply, he knew this by experience. Carefully putting the mug with the steaming liquid to his lips he grimaced already when he caught a whiff of the smell. Nevertheless, he took a tiny sip and his eye brows lifted in surprise.
"It isn't as bad as it smells, is it?" Bant asked, smiling. "By now I've realised that patients take their medicine much easier when I sweeten it with cari'jda juice. I couldn't take the complaints about the bitter taste anymore."
"Why haven't you thought of this before?" Obi-Wan asked between taking small sips of the tea. "All the times I've been nearly sick only because of your teas could have been spared."
Bant stayed calm, not so easily baited.
"Well, we could say, I've liked to torture you."
Obi-Wan stuck out his tongue.
"Sadistic little beast."
"Hmm, quite ungrateful, coming from the man I've saved from ending his days in a toilet cabin because he was too proud – or too stupid – to call for help."
Obi-Wan immediately sensed the change of topic and looked away from her.
"Obi, please, what's the matter with you? What are you hiding? You feel so different in the Force and it's not a common bout of sickness that is ailing you. I've seen you injured or sick so many times before but I've never seen you so disheartened and drained before. I've never seen you sob! Not even after Qui-Gon's death!"
Obi-Wan flinched as if she had slapped him.
"You wouldn't understand. I don't understand it myself."
Bant just looked at him, open-mouthed.
"Of course I don't understand! How could I, when you don't talk to me!"
Bant was now up on her feet, pacing, before she knelt down in front of her friend.
"Obi-Wan, we've been friends for so long, please talk to me. For once."
Obi-Wan lowered his head, ashamed. She was right, he had not often talked with his friends about his troubles with Anakin's apprenticeship or about all his other worries. Sometimes, in his earlier times as Qui-Gon's Padawan, his Master had forced him to open up and spill his thoughts and feelings, but he had always hated it, even though he had been grateful afterwards. After Qui-Gon's death he had had even more trouble to share his troubles with other people, even if they were close friends.
Sighing, he gazed again into Bant's beautiful, sea-like eyes.
"It was Anakin's Knighting Ceremony today, as you know. The troubles already started this night. I… I've had a dream, a very disturbing, very real dream."
"A vision?" Bant asked softly. Obi-Wan shrugged but there was a cold certainty in his eyes.
"Maybe. I don't know. In this dream, I've been Anakin. But not as he is now. There was so much hatred in him – well, in me at this time -, so much darkness and distress, it clouded everything else. First, I didn't know who I was, but everything felt disturbingly familiar. Then I caught a glimpse of my arm while holding the lightsaber and it was prosthetic, just like Anakin's. And believe me, I know what my Padawan's arm looks like! In his body I battled someone. The surrounding was very unclear, everything steaming and fuming and I couldn't recognise my enemy. The other felt familiar, too, but I've never been able to catch the sight of his face. There was just this enormous hatred directed against the other person."
Obi-Wan halted and had to stop himself from burying his head in his hands.
"I never even knew that Anakin could actually feel such hate. Oddly enough, there was also a deep affection and tenderness in him, very controversial, because it seemed also to be linked to the other person. But it was all distorted and buried under this black cloud of darkness. Forgive my allegorical speaking, but it felt truly like a puff of black dirt thrown into my face."
Obi-Wan paused again and run a hand through his messed up hair. His voice sounded scratchy and he took another sip of the tea, collecting his memories before he continued.
"I've no idea what to make of this dream, except as to take it as a warning. I've always known that there's a reckless, sometimes violent side to Anakin. It came with his upbringing in slavery on Tatooine. But he's never felt so dark and so… wrong."
"How did the dream end?" Bant asked quietly.
"Anakin screamed 'I hate you!' in response to something the enemy had said to him, but I couldn't make out what it was that the other had shouted. Enormous pain, heat and the smell of blistering flesh in the air. Then I woke up."
Obi-Wan paused again, staring out of the window at the traffic. Bant took his hand into hers and gave it a reassuring squeeze.
"Most likely it was only a dream, conjured up through your anxiety because of the Knighting Ceremony. You've never given in to your fears, so don't start now with it."
Obi-Wan looked at her and his eyes were hauntingly empty.
"First, I told myself it was a dream. I banned it from my thoughts but it came back to me like a flash during the ceremony. I was sure there were blisters on my skin and the heat… And everything felt so wrong, Bant! The whole ceremony, even the Council Members felt wrong! As if the Force screamed at me to stop the proceedings, to turn back, and I was the only one to hear it. As if the Force were punishing me for going against its will…"
"Then why did you proceed? Why haven't you said anything?" Bant asked, exasperated and disturbed by what she heard.
Obi-Wan finally gave in to his needs and lowered his head into his hands. There was a long silence before he spoke again.
"I couldn't do it. I just couldn't. There was Anakin, my son and brother by all but blood. He looked so fragile and helpless in the Council Chamber, but also angry. He would have never forgiven me if I had let him down on the day of his Knighting Ceremony. And after all, there is also the possibility that exactly through the denying of his rightful title he would begin his path of becoming this… abomination that I dreamed of. Whatever the Force wanted to tell me, it is already too late to turn back now. And still… I feel as if I'm stuck in a swamp with both feet stuck firmly beneath the mud. Whenever I try to stretch out my arms to reach for branches I sink further without even touching anything. When I stay where I am, I sink anyway, only more slowly. Perhaps I should have paid better attention to the path before my feet before I got stuck in the swamp…"
"If you want to express your dilemma with such colourful pictures you can also accuse Qui-Gon of pushing you into the mess," Bant said matter-of-factly and tucked one of Obi-Wan's ginger strands behind his ear. Obi-Wan caught her hand and stopped it.
"No, please, let Qui-Gon out of this. I can understand him even better, the longer I work alongside Anakin. He is an amazing young man with many hidden talents. He is the Chosen One. It is me who has made all the mistakes. I shouldn't feel this helpless, I should know what to do but now I'm even more confused than ever before."
"Obi," Bant said, and there was a deep affection and concern in her voice. "I know you would like to have all the solutions to every problem in your life and everyone else's, but you are neither almighty nor omniscient. Some things just happen and you have to take them just the way they come and get along with it. We have to make decisions and you should know by now, that even Jedi make mistakes. But we still have to act, even if there is the chance to fail. It is sometimes better to make the wrong decision than not to take a decision at all. Besides, you need to work on your trust in other beings. You cannot steer the lives and choices of everyone that is close to you, at the end every one has to decide for himself."
Suddenly a mischievous glint appeared in Bant's eyes.
"Well, perhaps Anakin will be the death of us all and destroy the order but rather with one of his reckless stunts with a ship and his fancy driving skills than by malice. You should have given him proper flying lessons instead of worrying about his morale."
Obi-Wan smiled a bit.
"He's a good boy, Obi-Wan, you should truly have more faith in him and in your teaching skills. And even if everything else turns out bad, it isn't your fault. You cannot save everyone."
"I knew that already," Obi-Wan said quietly and heaved a sigh. "I don't like it, but I'll have to accept it. But just wait. One day, I'll turn over the Jedi Council and rule as an Emperor. And Emperor Kenobi will watch over all the political and private decisions of every single Jedi in the Temple."
Bant laughed out loud.
"Obi, you're a helpless control-freak!"
tbc-
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Three chapters out of four posted, one more to go, and I am still curious about your opinion.