No, I have not given up on this fic (or any fic for that matter). But, having to write 8 papers in about two weeks severely limited my time and all the other tests and papers before that and my internship and my job, etc. Plus, I had to go back and review some Hikaru no Go episodes to ensure that my fic is reasonably accurate and that I still have a clear idea of the series itself and thus keep Sai/Shin in character in as much as that is possible..
The Future of Go: Chapter Two
by Ami-chan
"'Kasan?" Sometimes I wondered why I was so short and it felt as if the body I was in really wasn't mine and then I would remember that even if I felt like Sai, I was really Shin. And Shin was a very small child that had the experiences of many lifetimes locked away inside his head, but he was still limited by simple things such as height. I could not reach the counter. I had trouble lifting things. Barely anyone took me very seriously and they smiled indulgently as if I were merely cute, but incredibly stupid.
The woman I had called 'kasan looked down at me then suddenly handed me a cookie as if that was what I had asked for. I didn't want a cookie, but I took it anyway. They were surprisingly good and I had taken a liking to them. With a sigh I wandered away to play with my Go board. I knew when someone was not in the mood to listen to me, so perhaps it was for the best.
It seemed like only moments later, but really it had to have been hours, when 'kasan appeared in the doorway and she was not alone. "Shin?" she said softly and I could tell from her voice she was not entirely happy, "There's someone here to see you."
Hara-san was a retired pro-Go instructor that now taught promising young Go players, though I think perhaps I was the youngest one he had yet encountered. He wasn't quite sure how to deal with me at first, but after he began to understand my level of functioning, despite the inadequate way my fingers still insisted on holding the Go stones, the situation immediately became better. Contrary to my appearance, I didn't feel like a child and I tried very much not to act like one, but there were still some things that I could not do.
It was nice to be able to have a conversation with someone who understood the finer qualities of Go and I even offered him a few pointers, much to his amazement. He had had no idea what to expect upon arriving here and now that he was here I sensed that he couldn't quite believe what he was seeing. I was either a figment of his imagination or I was the best Go player he had yet to encounter. It was my age that he couldn't believe the most.
"How long have you been playing Go?" I could see Hara-san felt ridiculous asking because it was obvious, to him, that I couldn't have been playing for very long because of my age. I couldn't very well tell him the truth, either, so I simply told him that I couldn't remember how long and that was partly true – I couldn't remember the exact date because it had been so long ago.
I expected the next question: "Have anyone else played Go with you before?" He wanted to know if I had ever had a Go instructor before. I managed not to reply that I hadn't had one in this lifetime, unsure of how he would take that response. Instead, I replied, "I played a game with one of 'tousan's friends once, but he wasn't very strong so I played a teaching game with him. Maybe he'll get a bit better."
The man paused, looking at me closely. "Are you playing a teaching game now?"
I had been waiting for that one and I managed not to smile too widely when I told him calmly, "You could make some improvements, too." He resigned and I quickly asked if he wanted to play another game. Now that I had him there I didn't want him to leave.
He agreed to another game, which delighted me, and this time he played his best from the very beginning. Before he had thought to go easy on me because of my age, now he knew better. It didn't matter, though; I was still playing a teaching game and he struggled to match me, but there was never any fear of that happening. He was a very strong player and had probably done very well during his career, but I had been studying Go for far, far longer than he had.
To say that Hara-san was stunned was an understatement. I was just happy to be playing with someone more on my own level again. I felt most alive, most content when I was playing Go. What was it that had kept me a spirit so long, anyway? Having a corporeal body and holding the Go stones myself was extremely satisfying.
"I don't believe there is anything I can teach you," the man said slowly, staring down at the game we had just played.
Not to be rude, I didn't respond to that, but asked instead, "You'll come play with me again?" in a childish sort of way as if he had come just to play instead of being paid for his time.
"If you want me to," Hara-san said hesitantly, "But I don't know what you'll get from it."
I shrugged. "I just like to play." 'Kasan, as if summoned, entered the room quietly and looked at both of us. "That was fun!" I told her, but she didn't seem at all excited about it so I turned my attention back to Hara-san. "When can I take the Insei test? Is there an age limit?"
'Kasan came to life at my words. "Insei?"
Hara-san looked back and forth between the two of us and nodded. "Insei are young Go players that are practicing to become pros. I do not think it would be hard for you to be accepted right now, if you wanted to try to take the test."
A shiver of delight went through me. There was no age limit. "I want to take it now!" I could spend some time with the Inseis, playing and learning, and then I would take the pro test. Though I had no doubt that I could probably attempt the pro test as I was, I had decided it might look a bit strange at my age so I would wait at least another year. That wasn't too long and being an Insei would occupy my time until then.
'Kasan did not look at all thrilled. "Shin, I don't think you're old enough to be thinking about things like that. Don't you want to do something else?"
I gave her a look. Like what? Drool on stuffed animals and eat cookies? No, I would much prefer playing Go! "It would be more fun to play with people more my own age. I could learn a lot too." I had not expected to encounter resistance for my goals, least of all from 'kasan. I knew for a fact that 'tousan was delighted at having a brilliant toddler, but apparently 'kasan was not.
"It's amazing," Hara-san offered in my defense, "I'm not sure I could win against him. It would be a shame to waste such talent."
'Kasan's expression was not pleased. It occurred to me that she had been hoping the man would tell her it was all a fluke and that I really was not good at Go at all. She would have been happy if he had quickly and effectively crushed my dreams and told me to never play Go again. What she didn't understand was that I was good and that this was not merely a momentary whim on my part – Go had been and was an enormous part of my life. As a spirit and in my former life I had lived for Go.
"Please, 'kasan? Can I take the Insei test?" I did not whine. I doubted it would have helped if I did and I had probably guessed right because my quiet utterance made her eyes soften and she knelt down beside me. She touched my face lightly and studied me as if she might suddenly be able to understand everything about me with that one look.
"Are you sure? Is this what you want to do?" I nodded and she sighed. "If you ever want to stop, I wouldn't mind. Do you understand me? It all stops whenever you say so."
I smiled. "All right, 'kasan." It wouldn't stop, but if it made her feel better to say so, then that was fine. I looked at Hara-san, trying not to seem to eager and asked when I could take the test. There were papers to fill out, he said, and we went through all of the details of that. Then I would be given information about when I could go in. I didn't want to wait, but I supposed it was necessary.
When 'tousan came home and lifted me up into the air – I think I was supposed to shriek or something, but I only managed a smile – I told him the good news. Or, as much as I could tell him without sounding far too intelligent than I should have been: "I can take the Insei test, 'tousan! Hara-san said I could!"
I allowed myself to be held while 'tousan's gaze went to 'kasan for more of an explanation, which she gave slowly and carefully in an attempt to hold back her feelings of unease. I couldn't say for sure why she was unhappy. Maybe it was the idea of "losing her baby" or maybe it was because I was so young. There was no way I could begin to understand the way a mother's mind worked, having never been a female and thus never a mother.
"That sounds like fun, doesn't it, Shin?" At least 'tousan was happy. I wondered if he was purposely ignoring 'kasan's unease or if he really didn't see it. Some men could be very dense.
"Hai!" For a moment I acted a bit childish in my excitement, which made 'kasan smile vaguely at me. She said I was too serious for a child; 'tousan said that there was nothing wrong with that and I had to agree, but I could see she was not convinced.
The next day okasan tried to interest me in some child's toys. Things that blinked and made noises that were annoying and strange. I played with them a bit to amuse her and she seemed relieved, but the moment I was left alone I went right back to my Go board. I had a feeling I knew what she wanted – a normal son that cried for his 'kasan, that needed more help and assistance than I required, that was loud and noisy – but I also knew that I couldn't be those things. I tried, now and again, but that was not who I was.
It was only grudgingly that the proper papers were filled out and turned in to ensure that I could take the Insei test. I tolerated 'kasan fussing over me more than usual because it seemed to make her feel better. I was just waiting to see when my turn would come, when I could be accepted, because I knew I would be accepted. There was no other possible result!
The letter came one day and I knew it had come because 'kasan was unhappy again, but I didn't say anything about it. I let 'tousan mention it when he found the letter, unopened. I remained where I was as he opened it and scanned the contents and reported the day and time. 'Kasan would take me, she didn't want to, but she would.
She thought I was growing up too quickly. When we had been shopping the other day, she had insisted on carrying me even though it was completely unnecessary. Finally she had to admit that she was carrying too many things and let me walk. A few times I asked if there was anything she wanted me to find for her, just to be helpful, but each time she would look at me and say, "No, Shin. Stay right here," as if I was prone to running off… like several other children that were being hunted down by their angry mothers. One lady with two screaming children, took one look at me and told 'kasan that she was lucky to have such a well-behaved son. I could see 'kasan didn't agree.
I continued to practice Go, but mostly when 'kasan wasn't around because for some reason she disliked it when I played Go quietly by myself. I attempted, more than once, to become interested in the toys she bought for me, but they were all so unusual and juvenile that they couldn't hold my attention for long.
Finally, the day I had been waiting for arrived and 'kasan took me to the Go Institute that I had not been in for some time;that had beenwith Hikaru and I remembered it fondly. That brought back memories that made me smile. I almost darted for the elevators, but then I remembered I wasn't supposed to know my way around the building, so I let 'kasan ask for directions first. 'Kasan insisted on holding my hand as we went in and asked if she could stay during the test and was told she could.
The man gave me a friendly look, obviously not convinced I could pass the test. I could almost see him thinking that 'kasan had pushed me into this, when really it was the other way around entirely. She would have been happy if I had failed, but I had no intention of doing that. I sat down before the Go board, barely listening to what the man was saying and then we started playing. He quickly realized that I was perfectly capable of playing and I did not hold back in the least. It wasn't long until he called a halt to it; he really should have resigned, but that would not have looked good on his part, I suppose.
I had passed with flying colors. The tester could barely contain his surprise and I wondered if there had ever been any Insei my age before. Well, unless they were the reincarnations of other great Go-players that had retained all the knowledge of their former lives… probably not. (1)
'Kasan was stunned, as well, and with the knowledge that I had passed and would be coming back even more often, I saw her expression quickly turn bleak. I didn't want to upset her, but how could I explain that I had been waiting for many many lifetimes for this chance? I wanted to play the Divine Move and why else was I allowed to retrain all of my knowledge if not for that opportunity? I could not waste it!
On the way back to the elevator I tripped and fell hard. Instead of getting back up I stayed down as if I had been really hurt. Almost immediately 'kasan knelt down in front of me, asking me if I was okay and had I hurt myself? I didn't cry, having never been good at forcing out tears at will, but I whimpered softly and that was just as good. She picked me up and held me against her and I wrapped my arms around her neck so that she could not see my face that had immediately returned to a more neutral expression and I let her talk as if to reassure me that everything was fine.
Considering my age I doubted that she would let me go to the Insei classes by myself, so I would just have to make sure that she felt needed, even if that meant getting bruises from falling down repeatedly. I could be needy and clumsy if it made her happy and even if I couldn't be exactly what she wanted, there were some things I could do. I would play with the ridiculous toys she got me, I would even let her dress me, but I would play Go with the Inseis. That was the one thing I could not give up.
To be continued-
(1) I know there have been some pretty young pro Go players (like 5 and 6), but I'm going to say that at 3-ish Sai/Shin would still be considered unusual.
I have no idea if there is an age limit for Insei... at least for younger ones. ;; So I'm guessing there isn't.