Maybe I should explain: when I say "in character" I don't mean literally straight-out canon, I mean "in character" for me; and don't we all have different ideas for what is "in character" and what isn't? Only the original creators can write canon – I'm writing my impressions of what I got from the series and the characters. "Spirit Sai" acted out at times because, in my opinion, no one but Hikaru could see him so it didn't matter, but the live Sai in flashbacks is really what's directing this Sai and THAT Sai was upset enough to drown himself because others believed he was a cheater and was kicked out of a city. That's a pretty serious Sai.
The Future of Go: Chapter Three
by Ami-chan
It hadn't stuck me before, but stepping into the Go Institute was amazing. Actually stepping, having form, seeing everything through REAL eyes and not through the eyes of a spirit, was something I will never forget. My heart was racing and it was all I could do to stay at 'kasan's side.
It was my first day as an official Insei. My mind was full of every single time I had been here with Hikaru and all the fun we had had. No longer did I have to experience events vicariously through him, but I could experience them for myself! When the elevator doors closed 'kasan asked if I was nervous – it was then that I realized I was trembling; I lied and told her I was a bit nervous and then that I was also excited, which was certainly not a lie. "I get to play with other Insei. With other kids."
Okasan gave me a skeptical look, the same one she had been giving me quite often lately. There would be no other children near my age, but there would still be children there. At least she was letting me go; that was something I truly appreciated. I had wondered, more than once, what I would do if she refused to accept this entire situation. Thankfully I had so far been given no reason to put any of those ideas into action – most of them, I fear, wouldn't have worked anyway.
I inwardly sighed when 'kasan said she was going to stay. I had told her it would be fine if she wanted to go somewhere and just come back later, but she insisted as if she were going to miss some pivotal moment of my childhood. I was growing up too quickly before her eyes and she seemed unable to keep her eyes off of me. She babied me to the point of frustration, repeating practically word for word to me everything I was told as a new Insei, just to make sure I understood it. That first game of Go as an Insei was my escape and I delighted in it.
For some reason, 'kasan was surprised that I won. It occurred to me that she had hoped I would lose, possibly cry over said lose, and quit playing Go altogether. She had no concept of how good I was at Go or any concept of how mature I really was. Not that I was trying to be mature in her presence and I think I was accomplishing the exact opposite extremely well. It just wasn't enough to satisfy her.
When we got home I went to the collection of children's books that had been bought for me. I had to resist the urge to go to my Go books, instead. I randomly selected a book about a dog that was entirely too red and entirely too large and took it to 'kasan and asked her to read it to me. It was repetitive and childish, but 'kasan enjoyed it and that's all that mattered. I was happy when she left me alone to play. Well, she said "nap", but I had the feeling she knew that I wasn't actually napping and that I had never really taken a nap, though I stayed quiet and didn't make any loud noises.
Otousan was happy to hear that I had done well at my first game as an Insei and he asked if I had enjoyed it. I honestly told him that I had and that I couldn't wait to go again. I said it quietly, but I still think 'kasan heard. At any rate, she didn't look pleased.
The next time 'kasan was took me to another match, I suggested that she do some shopping while I was playing, or that perhaps she could bring a book to read. I added that she could do some coloring, that was therapeutic, wasn't it? Of course, I didn't tell that to her. 'Kasan did not seem interested in distractions and so I gave up and let her take me to the Go Institute and just stare at me while I played. It likely would have made me nervous if I wasn't so good at tuning out all other distractions during a game – certainly after I was done playing her gaze made me fidget unhappily. Had it been anything else she wanted, I could have humored her, but this wasn't just "anything else", this was Go. I couldn't give it up.
In walking back to her I stumbled, accidentally this time. Either her gaze had so unnerved me or I had become unobservant – I'm not sure which. I managed to right myself unsteadily and then gaze down at the cause. My shoe had come untied. (1) I knelt to try to get my pudgy little fingers to tie it back up, but it was easier said than done.
"Here, Shin." I glanced up as 'kasan's fingers replaced my own, quickly and easily tying my stubborn little shoe. She smiled at me gently as I wondered if that was the reason she had insisted on getting me shoes with laces instead of the kind that didn't require tying them. Then I found myself in her arms, despite the fact that I was perfectly capable of walking.
I wanted to be useful, I really did. The problem was, so did 'kasan. So I couldn't do anything for her and that was difficult for me. Even as a child, as Sai, I had been self-sufficient and I had enjoyed it and I was unused to someone fussing over me. But I was learning.
'Tousan didn't mind, though. I usually greeted him at the door and set his briefcase aside for him. I gave him the newspaper and the mail and he would pat my head. Once he told me I was better than a dog and I asked him what he meant by that, but 'kasan snapped at us both and my question was never reallyanswered. For some reason she thought it was bad that he had suggested I was dog-like and though 'tousan tried to explain that he was just saying that I was helpful, she refused to listen.
I was not a dog. Which was true, but there was no reason for her to get upset over the comparison, especially if it was a good one. I wanted to be helpful.She wouldn't let me pour my own drinks. She wouldn't let me help her in the kitchen. If it hadn't been for Go and the few books – both my Go books and the other books that 'kasan and 'tousan kept on the shelves in the living room – there would have been nothing at all to occupy my time. As far as the books went, it was only safe for me to be seen looking at the books called Encyclopedias, because of the numerous pictures in them. I found the words more interesting than the pictures, but I wasn't about to tell anyone that.
As weeks turned into months I found myself more and more pleased with how my role as an Insei was progressing – mostly. 'Kasan barely let me interact with any of the other Insei; I think she thought she was trying to protect me from them, though in truth she was only isolating me. Still, I had won every game I had played and I was quickly becoming the Insei that others were terrified of, because of my skill. There were those that laughed at the Insei I had beaten – I was a child, how could I really be as good as they were suggesting? They didn't laugh after I had played them.
One day after I had finished yet another winning game (and it was very obvious to everyone at that point that I would soon be playing against the top Insei), Inoue-san, currently the top Insei, asked to play a game with me. Just for fun. I immediately look toward 'kasan, who was near enough to have heard his request, and asked if I could play one more game. She hesitated for a moment, before nodding silently to me. I accepted the offer.
I had not really talked to Inoue-san before that moment, thanks to 'kasan's careful eye, but I liked him immediately. "How long have you been playing Go?" was the first thing he asked, after we had started our game. He spoke to me not as a child, but as an equal. I guessed that he was about fifteen or sixteen.
"It feels like I've been playing Go forever."
"Who taught you? You're otousan?" Inoue-san had obviously picked up on my 'kasan's lack of interest in and distaste of Go.
"No, 'tousan doesn't know how to play. I played with a few people before I became an Insei, one of them was a tutor." It seemed best to leave off the part where I was the one really tutoring the tutor. I let Inoue-san make his own assumptions.
He placed a white stone one the board, nodding slightly. "So you're otousan wanted you to play Go?"
That was an interesting question that deserved an interesting answer. "He wanted me to play after he found out I was good at it and he wants me to play now. He doesn't really have any idea of how good 'good' is, though, but he does understand what 'has never lost a game' means."
"Ah. So, why doesn't your okasan want you to play? She watches you like a hawk every time you are here and barely lets you out of her sight. She's not really happy here, but she refuses to leave. I've heard you tell her she didn't have to stay," Inoue-san added by way of explanation. I figured everyone had already heard me say that a time or two.
"She's… protective." It was the absolute nicest way to put it. "I'm her only child and she wants me to always need her.I'm not really supposed to be good at anything, I'm supposed to depend on her, but I can't pretend I'm bad at Go."
Inoue-san smiled. "I can see that. Are you going to try to go pro soon?"
I shivered, thrilled at the mere thought of being a pro Go player. "Yes. I would have gone for that first, but 'kasan isn't ready to think about that yet. Plus, I thought it would be nice to just be an Insei for a while, to see what it's like."
He nodded at me, but his eyes were focused on the board, possibly reading ahead and seeing what I saw. At any rate, he resigned and thanked me for the game. I told him I looked forward to playing him again. Then 'kasan was dragging me back out of the room and to the elevator and then back home. I found myself wishing that I was not an only child. Maybe then 'kasan would have something else to do with her time other than follow me around.
That evening when I was playing Go by myself, I overheard 'tousan mention something about pre-school that seemed to upset 'kasan. From what I heard of the conversation, pre-school involved other children my age with quite a bit of supervision by senseis. 'Tousan thought it would be good for me to get to interact with more children my own age, 'kasan insisted I was too young to even begin to think about it. I would be four soon, 'tousan told her, and I would be starting kindergarten at five; it wasn't too soon.
'Kasan didn't want to hear it.
After that 'tousan began talking to me about pre-school instead of 'kasan, trying to at least prepare me for it, if not her as well because she listened to our conversations. I wasn't adverse to the idea, though I wasn't quite sure how to act around children. Just because I was one didn't mean I knew how to deal with them, but it would be an adventure of sorts and it might prove to be interesting.
Not long after I was enrolled in pre-school. 'Kasan had a while to get used to the idea as I continued to excel at Go. It wasn't long before I was playing Inoue-san more frequently, as I was now officially the top Insei. That meant that I wouldn't have to take the preliminaries for the pro test when the time came and even though it would have been fun to do that, it was fine this way, too.
Then pre-school started.
I wasn't sure what I expected, but it hadn't been all the noise and confusion that I saw. There were at least twelve children in the room with two adult women. The children all appeared to have had too much sugar. 'Kasan didn't want to leave me there, but one of the ladies, Sensei Kimura-san, assured 'kasan that I would be perfectly fine. If by "perfectly fine" she meant "mauled by little children", then I was certain I would be "perfectly fine".
I found a relatively safe corner to hide in while chaos around me ensued. There were books for me to look at and read and though they were for children, they would do. I was content to be forgotten and left alone, but Kimura-san was not about to let that happen and wanted me to join in some of their activities. Upon her insistence I did what she called finger-painting, which just ended up being very messy, but I did a very good picture of a Go board – the board ended up being green because there was no brown to be used and black stones became red and white stones blue. It was a very nice, I thought, and I was looking up to get Kimura-san's attention when a loud slapping sound recalled my attention to my drawing.
The boy beside me, whose name I believe was Akito (or at least that's what Kimura-san yelled) had placed his multi-colored hand right in the middle of the drawing I had worked so hard on. I blinked several times as he laughed. I wasn't certain what his purpose was, but I told him that it wasn't nice to interfere with someone else's work. I suppose it didn't matter because Iwai-san, the other sensei, was already lecturing him and made him sit in the corner – I wasn't quite sure what the point of that was, either. It didn't seem to do much good.
"You did a very good job, Shin," Kimura-san informed me. "I'm sorry Akito ruined it."
I wasn't upset, really, and I tried to convey that as I smiled up at her. "It's not ruined. It just has a handprint on it, now." It was certainly more colorful.
"Here, let's write your name on it." She began to reach for a pen to write it down, but I told her I would do it. With a gentle smile and a nod, she agreed. It seemed she had every intention of correcting me later. It never occurred to me that some children my age might have difficulty writing their names. I used the finger paint that was already on my fingers to write out in relatively neat characters "Yamamoto Shinji", though I had to write them fairly big in order to make it legible.
"You know kanji?" Kimura-san asked quietly.
I glanced up at her sharply, surprised. "Should I have used katakana or hiragana?"
"No, no, that's fine. You did a wonderful job." Something in her voice was so awed that it occurred to me, only then, that perhaps I shouldn't have done that. The damage was done, as they say. Our paintings were set aside and we were sent to wash our hands. I was last, but only because I had no desire to be pushed or splashed with water.
All in all it was an interesting first day of pre-school, though I still had very little insight into the workings of a child's mind. I wondered if Touya Akira-san felt the same way when he was younger and figured that he probably had. Being a child in an adult world was much easier than being a child in a child's world, but I would do my best.
'Kasan swept me up as soon as the first day had ended. She seemed intent on squishing the life out of me and that she was asking if I had had fun and what I had done and I dutifully told her to the best of my ability. I left out the part about how the hand-print had gotten on my drawing and let 'kasan assumed I had done it in some sudden spurt of childishness. I guess she assumed one of the senseis had written my name, though she didn't question why it was in paint and not in ink. Then again, she hadn't seen the other children's drawing and how their names were written.
When asked if I wanted to go back tomorrow, I said I did. I knew she would have been happier if I had said "no" and that I hated it and never wanted to go back, but I hadn't realized until I had spent the day away from her just how much she had been suffocating me and how hard it was always trying to make her happy. With that in mind, pre-school was a haven, even if it was full of loud, rowdy children.
To be continued-
(1) These would be indoor shoes! I'm not Japanese, but the shoes they wear indoors can have ties too, I think. They can be just like outdoor shoes… only they aren't used outdoors… though sometimes they do have slippers and things they wear, or fancy dress shoes like for school… and even if they don't have indoor shoes with laces, pretend. I couldn't think of another reason why Sai/Shin would stumble. lol