Chapter 1- The Life that is Porn
"...and so then we'll have the big fight scene followed by 'make-up sex'. But then our young hero is wooed by hunky man number one during their workout session in 'deserted gym a' and they have 'hot cheating risky sex'. There's another fight, the lovers part, then find each other in a hospital and have' kinky hospital make-up sex'. And then their two friends show up at the hospital and have 'kinky two couple sex' with our main characters. Understand?"
The cast members stared at their director long and hard, a few of them blinking simultaneously.
"So how is this a film again, cuz this just sounds like a porno!" Nods of acknowledgment were the only movements throughout the room.
"It has a plot!", whined the director, attempting the 'pouty look'.
More blinking. "Does a plot include the word sex in every sentence?" Nods of agreement answered the random voice.
The director sighed. "Fine it's just a porno with the guise that it's a well written movie."
"Cool, we get to go fuck!" Almost everyone in the room cheered, sans the two buds standing in the front of the room and off to the side.
Duo looked at Wufei. "Why do they insult my intelligence by pretending NOT to write a porno?"
"Beats me, no pun intended. I figure they just think all porn stars are stupid.", replied the Chinese young man.
"Yeah, we're that rare breed of porn star. The porn star with depth."
"Duo! Asian, get your fuck-pants on and let's go!", the director shouted in their direction before clearing out the room, shouting other orders as he went.
Wufei's eye was twitching at being called the 'Asian' once again instead of his proper name. Sure, Duo almost never called him by his real name, but it least it was something like it. Duo shrugged and sauntered out of the meeting area to go get changed. What did he care that he had to wear barely there outfits and have hot raunchy sex on camera? Not at all. Nope, he didn't care that he gave up his virginity to a really fat guy either. He shivered a bit, but continued on to his self-appointed dressing room. Maybe one day he'd put a star on his door and then he'd feel really special, though he doubted it. If anything the star would just serve to be more of a mockery to the profession he'd fallen into.
He slammed open the door, as usual, and walked inside, slamming the door back. He found his latest outfit hung up on the door handle of his closet.
"Oh joy, another pair of assless pants. Oh and a frilly, cleavage-exposing crop top. Even more joy." He snorted. "Why do I even bother acting like Imma guy? They always give me something girly to wear anyways." He took off the loose t-shirt he was wearing and reached for the barely there shirt he had to wear for the shoot. He changed into the pants next before walking over to his vanity and checking himself out.
Seeing how the black pants formed to his legs just so and how the dark purple shirt framed his rather effeminate shoulders, he sighed. So maybe he did look like a girl, but did that give everyone the right to treat him like one? "Pheh. I should just get out my make-up and keep my mouth shut." He was reaching for his make-up kit when he stopped short and his eyes widened. "Did I just say 'make-up'? Like as in my own personal set of cosmetics?" He looked to the mirror and nodded at himself.
"Christ! I AM a GIRL!"
Hours later, sometime around 8 in the evening, Wufei collapsed onto the chair in the corner of his and Duo's temporary residence. It wasn't a residence as much as a mid-rate hotel room with the standard two chairs, two beds, two tables, etc. He sighed to himself, his hand coming up to rub at his temples. Another unfulfilling day of being called 'Asian' and dry humping set props tended to give a person a headache.
At that moment Duo walked in and shut the door behind him. Wufei focused on him for a moment, watching him slouch about the room before deciding to collapse on his bed. Dry humping props was better than actually humping some guy for little to no reason at all.
He rolled off of the chair landing in a crouch before stretching upwards, arms out from his body, and cracking what joints he could in the one smooth motion. He then padded over to where his friend lay, looking totally and completely out of it. He raised his arm and bended it so that his elbow formed a sharp point and quickly brought it down right into the center of his best buddy's back.
"Holy fuck! Wufei, that hurts!", Duo exclaimed already rubbing at his poor abused back.
"There's nothing holy about fuck and you know it", Wufei countered, grinning.
"I still don't see why you find that so funny", Duo grumbled as he sat up on the bed.
Wufei plopped down next to him. "Hey, that look on your face is priceless, even now. Not to discredit the wondrous new cusswords you seem to come up with during this ordeal." He was still smirking.
"Yeah, yeah. What the hell ever." Duo stretched out, flinging his arms out and falling back from their momentum. "So, you up for food and a drinky?", he asked with his eyes closed.
"If that's your way of asking if I had a shitty day...", Wufei started, a warning in his speech, "Then hell yes." He smirked slightly. "Just let me fetch you the pain killer and some migraine pills for myself, then we'll jet."
Duo mumbled something that sounded like an affirmative and yawned. It wasn't so much that either of the young men wanted to go out, it was more that they wanted to take advantage of every opportunity they had to be somewhat normal. Just going to some out of the way restaurant was better than staying cooped up in some hotel waiting for something to come about. And spending a short night out usually did wonders for sleep. Wouldn't want to be sleepy on the job, no matter what job it was, and exhausting their bodies seemed to be the only way for them to achieve a restful night of sleep.
Wufei, who had gone into the bathroom for the much-needed meds, returned and flung the bottle of Tylenol at Duo. "Aww c'mon Wu-man. Tylenol again?" Duo pouted.
"Yes, Tylenol, my analgesic-addicted friend. Too much Advil will burn a hole in your stomach and we both know it." Duo pouted more. "I am not going to be held responsible for your death just because you wanted stronger pain pills." Duo, as impossible as it was, pouted more. Wufei was steadfastly ignoring him as he dug around in the closet for something to wear.
"Pleeeeeeeasse Wu? I promise I won't haunt you if I do die!", he whined.
Wufei sputtered. "What! -you! -I! haunt me! Little bastard, just take your damned meds!" Duo was laughing hysterically on his bed, terribly amused at how his friend looked when indignant. Wufei growled before throwing a shirt, hanger still inside, at the man, effectively stopping the laughter.
"... I think you stabbed my eye..."
"Will that be all for you sir?", the waiter looked to Wufei, who nodded. "And for you miss?" He turned to Duo.
Duo resisted the urge to gouge the man's eyes out and settled on a pleasant, if not forced smile. "I'd like the large cheesy mess that the dude over there is having, the closest thing to a keg you have, and the assurance that you won't call me a fucking girl again if you value your job and your life." He was grinning evilly now, reveling in the embarrassed and rather frightened look the waiter bore. "Thanks butch!", he said in a high falsetto before slapping the man on the butt and sending him on his way.
As soon as the man was out of sight Wufei chuckled. "You do so love traumatizing today's youth don't you?"
Duo grimaced and replied, "Youth? I am today's youth. And I didn't traumatize myself."
"True. You were born jacked up." Duo shot him a glare as he began laughing at his friend's expense. "Hey, I'm jacked-up too. No pun intended." He paused running his last sentence through his brain. "See? I can't say certain things without having to say 'no pun intended' after it." He grinned. "Thank you porn industry!", he said rather quietly, with a mock salute.
Wufei's antics did manage to cheer Duo up a bit, but his mind still lingered. It never failed to bother him that he not only looked like a tiny-breasted female but that he was also in a less than professional profession. He stared off into space, a hooker-ish looking blonde catching his attention across the way. 'Awww... tiny hooker boy. How cute and unassuming. He probably doesn't even realize that real hooker's hate their work. Little bastard.' Unfortunately for him, he'd looked a moment too long and he'd caught the 'boy's' attention. 'Dammit. He's getting up. Don't wanna talk, don't wanna talk, don't wanna talk.'
The boy came over to their table, standing next to Wufei with a smile on his face, seemingly oblivious to his state of un-dress. 'Don't talk to him Wu, don't talk to him, don't talk to him, I'll hafta talk to him, don't talk to him...'
"Hi. Who're you?", Wufei asked casually.
"Damn you Asians and your love for blondes! Damn it all!", Duo screamed attracting quite a bit of attention.
His Asian friend and the blonde blinked at him awkwardly. They were all silent for a bit before the blonde started laughing. Wufei soon started laughing after him. Duo stared at them both, incredulous.
The blonde gave Duo a brilliant smile. "I knew you'd be funny. I could tell from across the room. My name's Quatre by the way." The boy was all smiles.
"Hi Quatre, I'm Wufei." He held out his hand to the blonde. "And my spastic friend over there is Duo." Quatre shook his hand and then returned his attention to Duo who was sitting there...well spazzing.
"Um.. Wufei, is he okay?", Quatre inquired a little worried.
"Oh, he'll snap out of it in a minute." Wufei responded taking into account the glazed look in his friend's eyes. "I'd move if I were you."
"What-?" Duo sprung from his seat and tackled the blonde to the ground.
"Awww you're so cute! You don't look a day over 15!", Duo gushed, hugging Quatre close. "Are you albino cuz if you are it makes you even cuter!" Quatre was now bright red and sputtering trying to protest Duo's claims.
Wufei calmly sipped his water.
A little less than two hours later, Wufei, Duo, AND Quatre were on their way to a broody nightclub a few blocks away from the restaurant. The blonde had proved to be great company and, after Duo had released him, the two porn stars were just as great to him. They'd spent dinner chatting it up about whatever and generally enjoying themselves. Each of them had revealed an odd quirk Wufei's being the 'no pun intended' thing and Duo's his ability to overanalyze really dumb things. Quatre's had been much more of a surprise, however, and didn't fail to reveal itself throughout the evening.
"So," Duo began, "if I asked you how I felt about cheesecake could you tell me?"
Quatre laughed. He did that quite a bit as well. "No, Duo, I couldn't. But I could take a guess."
"Then how exactly does all of this psychic stuff work?", Wufei inquired.
"Well, it only seems to work if people are thinking about something. I can kinda tell how they feel at that moment and then I form conclusions about how they feel about whatever they're thinking of and sometimes what they're thinking of. I guess you could say that it's a big guessing game."
Duo nodded as if he really understood and Wufei smacked his head for that. "Hey! I really do kinda get it." Wufei stopped walking and gave him 'the look'. "Ok, so it just proves my theory that all psychics are just really good guessers with Jamaican accents!" The Asian snorted and caught up to his friends.
"That's alright", Quatre amended. "I can try and show you what I mean." He thought hard for a moment. "Ok! Here's an easy topic. Think about your jobs and I should be able to tell how you feel about them and take a stab at what you do for a living."
Wufei and Duo shared a look but began to think about their 'jobs' anyway. The boy was just guessing after all. What's the worst that could happen.
"Wow, you guys really hate your jobs." The two porn stars were caught off guard, but quickly shook it off. It was a lucky guess at the most. "Wufei has a distaste for inanimate objects in sensitive places." Wufei went as pale as he could for an Asian. "That doesn't make much sense but I'm sure I'll figure it out in a minute." He paused for a good long while to the point that the two weirded out friends almost thought he was finished.
"Duo, I have a strong feeling that you hate your job more and that it's a somewhat envied profession. You really don't like the idea that people would want to follow in your footsteps and you're not a big fan of attention caused by your work." Duo's eyes grew impossibly wide as he beheld his friend of this evening. That couldn't be a total guess. "Seems as though you both fell into similar work and under the same circumstances. Hmmm I wonder..." Quatre was obliviously thinking on the matter. Behind him, the braided and pony tailed young men were staring at each other only the way friends do when something really freaky has happened.
Duo walked up till he was next to the blonde. "Wait a minute. Was all of that just from our thoughts or feelings or whatever?"
Quatre 'hmmmed'. "Well.. yeah!" He beamed at him.
Duo's eye twitched. "What the hell...?"
"Oh please don't run off like everyone else!", Quatre pleaded. "Usually when I tell people about my 'talent' they get a little uncomfortable and call me a freak and stuff. That's really why I'm alone right now except for you two." He looked down at the ground a pout firmly in place.
Duo sighed but then slung an arm around the depressed youth's shoulders. "Look, we're both just a little weirded out. You kinda hit close to home which could explain why people usually don't stick around long." Quatre nodded solemnly in agreement. "However, me and Wufferkins both have our awkward little quirks and shady past too, so it ain't a big deal to hang out with a psychic." Quatre started grinning with delight, his eyes shining brightly like a little kids. Duo, of course, couldn't resist and glomped the boy for the second time that evening going on and on about how cute he was.
Glompings and awkward conversations aside, the trio finally arrived at the club. They weren't exactly dressed for the club's atmosphere, sans Quatre who was wearing the hooker 'clothes', but it didn't seem to matter for they were hot. Hot people can go just about anywhere without a fuss. Except places for ugly people. Customarily the fic would be reaching it's climax about now and Wufei'd meet up with his love and same thing with Duo and Quatre would probably be rescued from being overly drunk by Trowa or something. However, that would really blow and isn't the point of the fic. Hell it won't be the point in any part of this piece of crap. So I end this chapter, quite solemnly and appropriately, with the scene right before they enter the club.
"So Q, mind explaining why you're dressed almost exactly like that hooker we saw a few streets back?" Duo asked while they were waiting in line.
"Oh. I kind of lost a bet." He shrugged. "I'd usually wear something a little nicer or at least covering more skin if I was going to get shit-faced in the back of some broody night club."
Wufei and Duo stared at him, shocked again. "Wait a sec, you cuss!", came the surprised cry from them both.
"Hell yeah I do! I'm hanging out with freaking porn stars! Why does letting a vulgarity fly every once in a while freak you out?"
It would have been a rather optimal time to faint had either of them been lesser men. Or if God had decided at that moment to make Duo feel even more like a girl. God has a wonky sense of humor.
end ch. 1
yeah, i kno. wtf? i don't know either, but i found the first few paragraphs just floating around on my computer the other day and decided to let it unfurl. i don't exactly remember why i started this to begin with, but i am almost positive that it had something to do with dizziness and reading too many of Dead Blush's fanfics in one sitting. that or i was reading some equally as brilliant author's works and their dry, sarcastic, and somewhat gross humor led me to this. pheh. who really knos? who really knos if u'll review or not? only God really. He punishes those who don't even leave a flame.
i'm going to hell... i kno it...