Disclaimer: I own shit. Shut the fuck up and die.

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It's Not Typical, But…

Chapter 4- Definitely Not Pretty Woman

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Duo stared at himself in the slightly smudged bathroom mirror. It'd be nice to say that it was just extra steamy and the cleaning staff didn't use Windex, but in all honesty it was just smudged. Creepy as that seemed he still continued to gaze at his reflection in the not so shiny surface. His hair was beyond damp giving him the appearance of a large eyed drowned rat. His skin was tinged bright red making him look adorably flushed.

He scrunched up his nose at his reflection. "Why in the hell do I have to look so gay?" Silence emanated through both his mind and the bathroom. His reflection raised an eyebrow at him. "Right, right, dumb question, but still." The reflection responded with another incredulous look. "Yeah, yeah, shut up you."

Duo slid open the shower curtain and started up the water, turning it to hot. He sighed to himself rubbing at his already moist forearm. 'Another shower should do it without making me late...'

Yes, it was true. He was taking another shower in a rather long series of them and had taken a good chunk of the afternoon. He'd been sure to scrub from head to toe, including washing his hair, every time. To say that he smelt fresh as a daisy was an understatement. Daisy's had nothing on him! However, freshness is often in the nose of the beholder and Duo, being the beholder, felt less than pleased with his scent. Or maybe it was all in his head. Considering who it is, it's hard to tell.

Duo lathered up his shapeless puffy blue loofa and began to scrub for what seemed to be the umpteenth time today. 'Ah jeez, I smell like cheap porn.' He scrubbed at himself harder hoping to eradicate all bits of porny residue. 'It's not very becoming or whatever to come to a meeting smelling like lube and ass.' He snorted. 'Unless you're a cheap porn star... Hmm maybe I shouldn't have taken that fifth shower...'

Another 15 minutes and he finally deemed himself fit to return to staring at himself in the mirror. He lifted up a clump of his hair to his nose and inhaled deeply. "Mmm," he mumbled, "Smells like strawberries..."

'Strawberry flavored lube!' He slapped himself in the forehead. Stupid inner voice was always bringing him down. Duo continued to look over his reflection checking for the slightest irregularity which wasn't too easy considering how naturally irregular he appeared.

"Well, I look clean, but I don't feel clean." He pouted to himself, his reflection being an excellent copycat.

"I don't care if you bleed clean, Maxwell, get the fuck out so I can take a shower!", exclaimed a certain less than pleased Chinese roommate.

"C'mon Wuffers! I have a date-ish not really thing this afternoon!"

'Wuffers' kicked the bathroom door in irritation as he usually did when Duo was being aggravating. Technically that should be every day, but there was a level that had to be reached on the annoyance meter before he was willing to abuse an innocent lavatory door.

"Listen to my voice Maxwell. I. Don't. Give. A. Fuck. Get out." He kicked the door again for good measure.

Duo pouted at the door. Wufei didn't understand; he was dirty and it was going to take a lot longer than 15 minutes for him to be clean. 'But is a whore ever really clean', his pessimistic inner voice chipped in. He shrugged to himself and grabbed a towel off of the rack. A few moments later and the bathroom door opened unleashing a mass of steam.

He pouted at Wufei. "There, you happy?"

The Asian one of the two glared at him. "No," he replied deadpanned. "Now where is it exactly that you're going?"

"What?" Duo's voice cracked a little. "Suddenly you're concerned with where I go and what I do?"

"Of course not!", Wufei snorted. "I'm just you're best friend, right?" Duo couldn't find the words to respond to the Chinese man's sarcastic words. He settled for nodding dumbly. "Now, just where is it you're going off to that required 15 showers in," he looked down at his watch, "45 minutes?"

Duo had the sense to blush slightly. 15 was a little much, after all. "No where important Wuffers..." 'That's right, traipsing off to meet with your future kidnapper isn't important in the least!'

Wufei gave him a withering look. "Really, and just what's so not important that you've practically scraped off all of your skin?"

'Oh, you know, I'm just walking into a death trap set up by an anonymous anthrax-happy individual who decided that a coffee shop was the best place to get me high on chloroform and-' Duo shook his head violently to rid his himself of his always-caustic inner voice. "I'm just going out for coffee Wufei."

Said Chinese man continued to eye him oddly. He seemed to be considering something for a moment before nodding slowly. "Alright, well make sure you take your cell phone," he admonished like the secret mother hen he was-- secret because if his fowl status were known he'd most surely be devoured by an anxious Chinese cab driver after being left in the backseat by an African-American foreigner.

Duo spared him a nervous grin and nodded before deciding that his toes deserved further scrutiny.

"And don't spaz out so badly that you get caught up in an uncomfortable situation, capiche?"

The longer haired of the two continued to focus on his feet-- more specifically the toes. It never ceased to amaze him how much dirt could get caught between the little buggers even when he'd scrubbed like a madman. 'Or maybe everyone else's toes can be cleaned? Maybe these are hooker toes!' His eyebrows scrunched together in worry. Were these really the toes of a 'hooker' and not that of a regular man? Could his toes ever be fully clean now that he'd sold his body to make a quick buck. Or was there going to be some Knight-in-shining-armor type to come alleviate him of all his woes and rescue him from this world of cheap sex and filth?

'A knight with a rather large interest in your toes but finds them appalling because of the amount of dirt trapped between them.' Duo grabbed at his head, tugging none-too-gently at his hair. "God fuck it, why can't my life be like 'Pretty Woman'!"

Wufei blinked at him before sighing. "Because, my dear spaz, that movie sucked. Pun intended." He walked over to his always spastic friend and pulled his hands away from his head. "Go get dressed and I'll escort you to wherever it is you're going", he said as soothingly as possible.

"Dammit Wufei, I'm not a little kid! I can take care of myself!" The Asian man raised an elegantly shaped eyebrow at him. "I... I just need to clean my toes one more time cuz hooker-toes are disgusting..." Said elegant eyebrow was still raised. Come to think about it, his eyebrows were naturally that shapely and refined. No, it was no work of the cheap make-up artists that he worked with. It was all Wuffers. Even one eyebrow could render Duo speechless and effectively defeat his protest all in one delicate arch.

"Get dressed."

"Yessir."

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"Where exactly in this God-forsaken place did you're mystery man decide to meet you?"

"Uhh... he just said to show up, not where he'd be...", Duo replied.

"Well then, let's jet."

Duo glared back at his friend, his nearly purple eyes flashing in annoyance. "You said you'd come with me and now you wanna leave?"

Wufei snorted in response. "I did come with you--no pun intended--, just as I said, and now I want to leave." His eyes were scanning the coffee shop they were in with distaste. There were gaggles of people lounging around on the less-than-professional furniture. People from all different walks of life were snuggled up nicely next to each other. There was even a goth and a prep exchanging hair tips in one corner on an overstuffed ottoman. The sight made him twitch.

The braided man tapped his Conversed foot in agitation. "Then you can leave, I'm staying," he said firmly.

Wuffers gave him an incredulous look behind the M.I.B style shades he was wearing. "What, so the guy can chloroform you, take you back to his place, and peel of your skin to make a coat!" His hands had secured themselves to his hips as he berated his best, but very stupid, buddy. He was really beginning to wish they could leave already. He could feel the eyes of one of the overly friendly waitresses eyeing him up and down. How could such blatant ogling be allowed in such an establishment? 'Oh right, because this is fucking Starbucks', he thought bitterly.

His friend continued to glare as if he should be insulted. "You didn't have to come."

"That's all you have to say! You're about to walk right into a deathtrap and you say I didn't have to come, no pun intended!" Wufei folded his arms over his torso in supreme annoyance. Not only was Duo being very difficult but it seemed as though one of the groups decided to break out into some hippie song about kittens, trains, and cocaine(1).

It was at that moment, said ogling waitress came up and tapped Wufei's shoulder. "Um, excuse me, sir, could I-"

China man threw up his hands so suddenly that the girl squealed. As if that didn't draw enough attention to them, he screamed out "Fu-cking Starbucks!" and made a beeline for the door. The frightened waitress and Duo were left in his wake seeming to be the only people that his outburst affected.

Duo looked over at the shocked young woman and smiled at her. "Nice weather we're having, ne?"

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It wasn't more than 10 minutes of awkward silence and shuffling later when Duo had been seated on a cushy chair next to the window. The poor traumatized girl had even been coherent enough to bring him a glass of water. Why a glass of water at a coffee house, he wasn't sure, but it was still very sweet of her.

'Ok. Now that Wuffers has left me the only obstacle in my way is to... well... wait.' He nodded to himself and took a sip of his water. 'Waiting couldn't be so bad.' He turned his head to the window and gazed out deciding that people watching wouldn't be too bad of an idea. A gaggle of children passed by all dressed similarly seeming to be an elementary school class on a tour of the city. Behind them came a very disgruntled looking postal worker, machete and today's post tucked under one arm, AK-47 and cap tucked under the other. Trailing behind him a little ways, for good reason, was an old lady decked out all in Fubu and decorated with enough gold chains and diamonds to buy out Donald Trump.

Duo was feeling a little unnerved by the pedestrians just outside the window. Oddly enough the pimp old woman worried him more than the pissy postal worker. He continued to gaze outside his sight falling upon a band of male(or female?) transvestites. He smiled at the sight. The best transvestites were the androgynous kind he always said. His smile soon faded as a ragged, trench coated man slammed himself into the window. He held a sign before him bearing what looked eerily like 'You will die You cheap braided porn star' spelled out in blood. Said braided porn star twitched before turning his head very slowly to the front.

It was then that our dear main character screamed for before him was exactly what he'd had nightmares about: The man from the club.

Duo was screaming his lungs out, though his actions went unknown to the rest of the patrons. In fact the poor thing didn't stop screaming until a large piece of chocolate cake was shoved in his mouth.

"Ahhhhh-mmmmm..." Duo closed his eyes in pleasure. That was some damned good cake shoved in his face. In fact it was so good he felt like he could forget about all that was around him. Except for the fact that he still hated sweets.

'Or maybe I don't', he pondered as he chewed and swallowed. 'That's damn good cake.'

"Good cake, ne?", the man of his not-so-pleasant-dreams asked? Duo stared at him, a little apprehensive. "Uh... yeah..."

"Figured you'd like it." The man from the night before plopped down on a squishy looking blob in front of him. "Good afternoon," he said out of the blue, slight smirk on his face.

Duo stared blankly at him, mouth unsure of whether to gape like a fish or to... gape like a fish... So his mouth decided to gape like the

mouth of the Nile River. Or Cleopatra's...(2)

"Why the face?", the still-a-mystery man asked not looking the least bit threatening.

'Date rape! Date rape!' Duo shook his head violently, his braid whipping around and barely missing a passing waiter. Stupid inner voice. Stupid braid.

While the braided individual was busy berating himself, his companion had flagged down the very nearly injured waiter and was calmly placing an order.

Stupid hooker toes! Stupid, stupid, stup- "Oi, what do you want?" Duo's eyes finally decided to refocus as he realized he was being talked to. And stared at, but mostly being talked to.

"Uh... what?"

The man across from him smirked that annoyingly attractive little smirk saying to the waiter, "Chocolate frappacino with extra whipped cream." With that the waiter took off to fulfill his coffee shop duties.

"Hey, uh, what?" was Duo's intelligent analysis of the situation.

"I ordered coffee, that's what. And you're spacing out again."

"Oh," he replied, not quite sure if it were true. "Well, I guess I should space...in?"

El man of no name continued to smirk at him as though the look was forever stuck on his face. "Bad day?"

Duo seemed to snap to attention. "You couldn't guess!", the porn star huffed.

"Explain," was all he had to say to get Duo going. To say the boy could talk was an understatement. Even he was surprised at how much he had to spill. It'd been barely 12 hours since the two had last seen each other and suddenly it was like they'd been apart for months. The Asian in front of him was a dry well and our porn star main character was the water. Even his snide inner voice was silenced by the shift in it's owner's personality.

"...and I honestly thought you were a crazy stalker or something!- I mean, you act like it enough, always showing up out of the blue and

managing to strike me speechless every time. That's just not normal- are you slipping drugs into my beverages or something? Or-what? Why're you-"

Amongst Duo's endless blatherings his companion had found something particularly amusing causing him to laugh rather loudly. That left the braided man quite confused on the one hand because he couldn't decipher the source and on the other because he was finding the young man's laugh crazy attractive.

'That's right, porny, fall right into his evil web of destruction! He's a black widow I tell yah!' Duo rolled his eyes and countered with 'Black widows are females; he's a boy.' He smirked to himself when his inner voice failed to reply. His smirk lifted into a smile as he continued to watch his friend in his fit of mirth.

'Whatever I did to make him laugh, I'm glad I did it.' He sipped on his frappacino and just plain out basked in the perfection of the moment. Heck, even the chocolate was good!

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From across the Starbucks a pair of eyes trained themselves on Duo, the pupils of said eyes a little too dilated to not belong to a nut-job. A mouth a few inches below said eyes lifted into a grin just east of sinister. He was one step closer... So much closer to the prize now...

"What do you mean you're name's Hero! What crack were your parents smoking?" The object of his desire had leapt to his feet in astonishment and amusement. His smile widened at the sight.

Ah, but what was that? There was a man standing before his dear Duo and he was- no!- he hit him! He oh so violently tapped his head and demanded that he 'hush'! The great god Duo? Hush? Never! And at that moment his resolve firmed, much firmer than Tyra Banks thighs, and he made a vow to eliminate the evil that is 'Hero'.

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1. there's a song called 'Kill a Kitten' by Steven Lynch. the song's theme is terrible but he sings it so brilliantly.

2. an allusion to Cleopatra in Shakespeare's Antony and Cleopatra. Cleo's such a straight up hooker through out the whole thing, so if u don't understand the joke by now, then e-mail me and i'll explain in further detail.

humming to self oh, so right… stupid, right? thas whati thought.i swear this ch. was going to go differently, but my mind doesn't want to cooperate and the whole damn thing went off in some other direction. we kinda ended up in the same place. kinda. anyways…

thanx to: tre-chan(of coursei thanked u! and nowi shall do so again! thanx!), demonsbaby69777(honest to goodness there wasn't a point till end of last ch. and even then it was thin. hell it's still thin. soi guess it is pointless.), El Terrible Fizzy(wow, if i'm you're hero shouldi put on a cape? thanx for calling this 'not typical' ),and Burned Vamp(glad you like it goes off to write more)