Story Notes: Post-Chosen. Dialogue only and only Buffy's side of the conversations. This is to be taken with tongue firmly in cheek.
A/N: I have no idea so don't ask. I was broadening my horizons, so to speak. I've never done dialogue only before. (Sorry, ShinodaBear, the other one will have to wait for a while. I'm still fiddling with it.) Apologies to all for any grammatical errors or just plain wrongness. Feedback is always appreciated.
Disclaimer: Not mine. Never gonna be mine. Not making a profit here either.
Rating: PG

"God, I so need a drink. What's on tap?"

"Ok, that'll work and keep 'em comin'."

"Bad day? Ha! Try bad lifetime. Well, lifetimes. I'm working on the second one now, or maybe the third depending if you count that first time when I was only dead for a minute or so."

"What?"

"Yeah, I had a couple of those little bottles on the plane but what does that have to do with anything?"

"Fine. Whatever. Just keep refilling the glass."

"Bleh! You know, I really hate alcohol. It tastes terrible."

"Well, why does anyone drink? Because they're depressed, that's why. But drink enough and you can forget the dire situation that made you want to drink in the first place. And that is so of the good right now. Of course, then you either wake up the next day with your brains leaking out your ears and you have to remember what stupidly bad things you did while you were drunk or you wake up naked in a strange place with someone you don't know and have no clue as to what happened the night before. Or, in my case, there's always the third option of going all prehistoric cavegirl from the magically-spiked beer."

"I am not! I told you I only had a couple of the little bottles. No one can get that drunk from those tiny things. Besides, it's true. You wouldn't believe half the stuff I could tell you about where I'm from."

"Sunndydale, California."

"Yes, that Sunnydale."

"No, a meteor didn't hit it. Nor did an underground gas main explode; that wouldn't sink a whole town anyway. Nor did a shift in the tectonic plates cause a localized earthquake which collapsed an undiscovered cave system running underneath the town. Although, that last one is a better explanation than anything else the authorities came up with."

"Trust me you don't want to know the real story. I was there when it happened and I don't want to know the real story. You wouldn't believe me if I told you anyway."

"Ok, ok. You really want to know? My ex-boyfriend did it. Well, there was some other stuff going on too but, mostly, he did it."

"See, I told you you wouldn't believe me."

"A bomb? That's about as likely as the whole gas main theory."

"No."

"Look. I'm sure you're a really nice guy and not at all a serial killer but I'm just not interested in seeing your apartment."

"Or your car."

"Definitely not! Besides how do you know I'm not a serial killer?"

"Girls can be serial killers if we want to and I'm not a 'skinny little thing'."

"That's just so totally out of the question. EWWW! Face it. It's just not gonna happen big guy."

"Wow. Uh... Hmmm... No. No, even if you can do that with your tongue."

"Yes, I'm sure you would have rocked my world. Does anyone really still say that?"

"Refill, please."

"Thanks. So, how long have you been tending bar here?"

"That long huh?"

"Oh, I don't know. I bet I could top anything you've ever heard or ever will hear and that's just the bizarro plane ride over here."

"No. I've been in Europe since the whole collapse thing happened. I don't think they can rebuild anything there. I mean, it's just a big hole, isn't it?"

"I'm here for a funeral."

"Thanks."

"Business associate. Well, maybe more of a business colleague. Well...maybe, in a way, we were business rivals. I mean, at first we were friends and then she just went all evil on me. Lately we had been getting back to the friends thing."

"Ha! Oh yeah. Our business is definately a 'kill or be killed' one."

"No, no. That's okay."

"Really."

"You don't have to keep apologizing."

"It was an accident. Could've happened to anyone who was having my life right now."

"It is. It's really crowded in here."

"No, I'm sure it will wash out. It's only beer, right?"

"Oh. What's in one of those?"

"Huh. All of that?"

"Well, it won't eat through cloth will it? Or skin?"

"Yep, empty again."

"Thanks."

"So, you've lived here awhile. Do you know where Lakeview Cemetary is?"

"Well, I have a map in my purse. Somewhere. Hold on... Here. Can you at least get me in the general vicinity?"

"Thanks. You're a life saver. The funeral is tomorrow and I have to go pick up a rental car and I don't think there will be time to drive all around looking for it. Do you know there are more than thirty-five cemetaries in Cleveland?"

"It's a bit more than I'm used to. It's going to make things even more exciting than it was in Sunnydale."

"A cop? No. But I kinda do the same thing in the sense that I don't really. I mean, cops have all those procedures and rules and chain-of-evidence type things."

"Well, I do sometimes track things like a bounty hunter but... No, still not the same."

"One thing I hate about beer: I keep having to run back and forth to the bathroom."

"I know."

"I really like that shade of lipstick. What is it?"

"Oh. Really?"

"None?"

"Did you have that permanent cosmetics done? 'Cause I know they can do that with eyeliner. It's like tattooing."

"Really?"

"That's amazing. Do you know what I would give to have my lips normally be that color? I'd never have to buy lipstick again. Think of the money I could save."

"Ummm... Those aren't colored contacts then are they?"

"Hit me again, barkeep. Only not literally."

"This isn't watered down is it?"

"Ok."

"No."

"Look, I didn't mean it like that. I've just had... How many?"

"I did?"

"Well, I'm still waiting for the forgetting of all my troubles."

"Hey! I'm a little older than that. And I can too have that many troubles. I've been through things! Life altering things."

"You don't really want the whole life story do you? I didn't think bartenders did that anymore."

"Well... No, it would take too long. I could just tell you the latest episode in a long line of the train wreck that is my life, then you'd see what I mean."

"Alright, but you asked for it. I'm sleeping all cozy in my bed and get a call at o'dark thirty telling me that the business colleague has just died and, until something else can be done, I have to hop on the earliest flight headed to Cleveland."

"Isn't that the truth."

"The first pilot gets food poisoning about thirty minutes away from Amsterdam and starts hallucinating; and this is, let me just say, also not a lot of fun for the passengers. I then have to wait over two hours to change planes. The second pilot flies straight into a dimensional portal over Detroit right before we're about to land. I will never get those two weeks back. Ti-"

"What?"

"No, I'm serious. You wanted to hear this. Right?"

"Anyway, time doesn't move the same way there so we were stuck for two weeks until the portal showed up again; which is lucky because my ex-boyfriend was once stuck for like centuries in another dimension."

"No. This was a different guy."

"Hey! I haven't made any disparaging comments about your love life, have I? Or the probable lack thereof. There was nothing wrong with anybody I used to date... Never mind. Do you want me to finish this or not?"

"Ok, I will not even go into what happened while we were stuck in this other dimension-"

"You're welcome. And now peanuts give me a major wiggins."

"That's so not why. So, we get back and land and we only blipped off the radar for a few minutes but there is this whole big uproar. The pilot is deeply stupid and tries to tell the truth. He's about to be dragged off for drug testing when everyone else that was on the plane chimes in and then they quarantine everybody for twenty-four hours for observation. They told everyone there was a chemical leak or something on the plane. Before you say anything, that is not what happened. But let me tell you, the airport authorities were way too smooth and prepared. I think, maybe, they have this happen a lot over Detroit."

"Well, yeah. That says it all, doesn't it? Finally, I get on another plane. The flight is only about an hour long, which is great, but then I find out when we land that all my luggage is missing. So now I have no clothing and no shoes."

"I had designer Italian shoes in my luggage! I loved those shoes. I had bonded with those shoes."

"Well, you're a guy. So, I didn't pick up the rental car on time and they rented it to someone else. Now I have to wait until tomorrow to pick up another and I have no way to find the cemetary before tomorrow and no way to patrol tonight."

"No, I can't call a cab to go on patrol."

"Excuse me."

"Could you please stop doing that?"

"Please?"

"Stop doing that."

"I'm serious."

"I've asked you nicely."

"So, I can ask you not so nicely."

"It's disgusting."

"I don't care. You shouldn't do that in front of a bar full of people."

"Well, a bar full of sentient beings then."

"Hey! You just leave the potted plants out of this."

"They're not? Huh. Well, whadya know?"

"Another, please."

"Hey, can I ask you something?"

"Well, people tell you things right?"

"Do you know of a good therapist in the area?"

"Oh, ha ha. Very funny. Yes, it's for me."

"Mine's on another continent. The commute wouldn't be worth it."

"The usual reasons I guess. Relationships issues mainly."

"I'm not telling you about my sex life. It's great by the way."

"Oh."

"If we leave that part out, then I guess it's okay. It couldn't hurt to get another opinion. You don't know me, or him, and can be impartial and you kinda talk to people about their problems anyway... Alright. Where do you want me to begin?"

"My boyfriend now? He's... I like him."

"No! I do."

"I didn't sound like anything!"

"Look, it's complicated. There's baggage involved. The really expensive kind that you find on 5th Avenue."

"No. The 5th Avenue in New York."

"Yeah."

"Well, my first serious boyfriend had the whole tortured past. And I do mean torture."

"No, he was mainly the one who was doing the torture. But then there was one of those quirky life altering events and he gave that up."

"There were other issues to work around."

"He was a lot older than I was, for one."

"About two hundred twenty-some years older."

"Yes. I did. And stop giving me that look."

"Well, he tried to kill me and he did kill a lot of other peop-"

"I know that's what vampires do but then he tried to suck the world into a hell dimension by way of a really tacky stone statue."

"What? I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried. Where was I?"

"Oh, yeah. I went to his place and we fought and I ran him through with a sword. The portal closed but not before it sucked him into hell."

"Well, I had to. He'd already opened it and that was the only way to close it. I was just starting to get over things and try to put my life back together when, BOOM, he's back."

"I have no idea how. We didn't talk about it much."

"No. He was really understanding about the whole thing once he was himself again, but then he decided that I deserved a 'normal' life with a 'normal' guy and went off to play 'Columbo' in L.A."

"What? Wait, homocide detective? What are you talking about?"

"Oh. Well then, he was like some other guy in a trench coat who investigated things."

"Excuse me?"

"Yeah."

"How so?"

"Heh. That sounds like him."

"No, I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing at him. He never changes. That is just like something he'd do."

"I didn't have anything to do with that."

"Yeah, but we didn't see each other very much after he moved to L.A."

"I don't know!"

"Well, I can't help you with that. I don't know anything about lawyers."

"Where were we?"

"Right. No, you would be spot on if it wasn't for Riley- Agent Finn. There was kind of a guy before Riley but I'm not counting him."

"Shut up."

"Well, I thought Riley was a college teaching assistant but that was only his day job. By night, he was a military commando working in a secret government laboratory located underneath the Sunnydale campus."

"I'm sure there were normal guys in town but I didn't meet any of them."

"Nothing was really wrong with him. He just thought that I was still pining after the other guy and didn't take it well when he found out that the other guy was a vampire. Or that he'd bitten me once. He especially wasn't happy when I got bit again."

"Dracula."

"Not as sexy as I thought he'd be considering all the hype. Definitely had the whole thrall thing going for him, though."

"No they- well, yes, the lab did do some experiments with humans but they mostly kidnapped demons and did stuff to them."

"Well, I know they put a chip in one vampire's head that made him unable to harm humans."

"Yeah. He wasn't happy about it either."

"I don't know exactly what they were doing with the others, research of some kind. They did make some sort of Frankenstein monster out of human, demon, and machine parts, but we killed that. Anyway, Riley had this idea that I didn't really need him and that I couldn't love him after the vampire boyfriend thing. I think he was also a little wigged out because I was stronger than he was- even after the government had pumped him up with vitamins and steroids and things."

"Well, I don't know about that. I mean, he didn't seem to be having any problems... And I thought we weren't going to talk about that!"

"He gave me an ultimatum. I don't do well with those. I really was going to choose him, in the end, but he just left in his stupid, fancy helicopter before I could talk to him about it."

"He wound up hunting demons with his wife in another government outfit."

"No. That happened after he left."

"He came back to town with her."

"Yeah, it was embarrassing for all involved."

"What?"

"Yes."

"Really? That's just too weird."

"I know. What are the odds?"

"No, I don't know where he is now."

"The last I knew he was in Belize but that was a long time ago."

"Well, we don't really talk anymore. Where do you know him from anyway?"

"You've got to be kidding me!"

"I don't want to know."

"Ewww! That's just sick. I so didn't need to know what he tasted like."

"Well, the next guy was the one who collapsed Sunnydale. Now, I never would have considered having anything to do with him before I died bu-"

"Yes, but that's a whole other story. So, I died. Again."

"Yes, again. The first time I died, I passed out from blood loss and drowned but one of my friends did CPR so I was only gone for a few minutes."

"No, the one with 'vampire boyfriend' was after that. The second time I died, I jumped off of a giant tower built by the crazy minions of a displaced hell god. Again, I died but this time I was dead for months."

"Not normally, no, but Willow and my other friends used magic to bring me back."

"Yeah, she found that out later on. It wasn't pretty. So... I was pretty much out of it for awhile. My friends wanted me to be the same girl that had jumped off that tower but I just couldn't do it. I think, maybe, I had post-traumatic stress."

"No, the whole jumping thing was actually pretty easy. It was the coming back from Heaven to find myself in a coffin six feet under the ground that did it, I think. Spike was the only one I told, at first, and I knew he would understand."

"Hahahahaha. No. He did have to claw his way out of his own grave once, though."

"Yes, but two does not a pattern make. He got chipped and couldn't feed so we looked after him and my friends tried to reform him."

"It didn't take. Even after he decided he was in love with me, it didn't take. He still lied and gambled and drank and smoked and...he was still Spike. After he had alienated everyone, he finally decided he wanted to help us. He couldn't kill humans anymore so when he found out that he could kill demons-"

"Vampires themselves are unnatural, Spike was just more so. I was just glad he wasn't trying to kill me anymore. Not that I couldn't take him, I so could have."

"I don't know. We just never did. Besides, he did help us stop vampire boyfriend number one, and that was before he got chipped, and he really wasn't any good at making plans that actually worked. I don't know how he managed to kill two Slayers."

"He did so; one in China and one in New York."

"I don't know how old he was then. About one hundred and twenty, maybe one hundred and fifty, when I knew him. Somewhere in there. That's not important. The thing is: he was chipped, I was back from the dead, I felt like crap, he was in love with me, and we started...well, something."

"I wouldn't have been so crude but, yeah. A lot. Then I tried to break it off because I thought I was just using him. He didn't have a soul and he wasn't sorry for anything he'd done and none of my friends liked him, except for Tara and my sister, and it was just... Anyway, he didn't take it well and things happened and then he ran off and got a soul. So that he could give me what I deserve or some such thing."

"Well, I didn't ask him to! It did make me look at him differently, though, and near the end I think we were actually heading somewhere. I'm not sure exactly where but we were on a road, pointed in a direction, and picking up speed."

"He died. I'm not sure exactly how it happened but he killed an entire army of primordial uber-vamps pretty much by himself, closed the hellmouth, and pulled the whole town of Sunnydale in around him."

"Yeah."

"Well, he burst into flames and had a town collapse on him. What do you think? Could you live through that?"

"No, I don't think so."

"It's nice to meet you."

"I haven't been in here before."

"No, I'm not."

"That's okay."

"Honestly, I can buy my own."

"What?"

"Look, I have a boyfriend."

"What do you mean 'hot and cold'?"

"I never led you on!"

"I can't even see across the room in all this smoke and mood lighting."

"I was not."

"We're not even the same species."

"There was not!"

"I'm telling you, there was no giving of any looks."

"I've had how many now?"

"Wow. Can you drink that much and not die of alcohol poisoning? Never mind. Obviously you can because, hey, look at me."

"I am not stalling."

"Fine. After the Hellmouth closed and Sunnydale collapsed, we had a whole new set of problems. One of my friends had activated all the potential Slayers in Sunnydale and all over the world and now we would have to find them and make sure they had someone to train them."

"Well, yeah. What else were we going to do?"

"That was never an option. Anyway, the Watcher's Council had been blown up so we had to train new Watchers and bring some in out of retirement. We tried to place the most experienced Slayer/Watcher teams on the other smaller Hellmouths."

"I wasn't placed anywhere."

"Oh no, you're right, I am. I just wasn't placed anywhere after we left Sunnydale."

"Yeah, I knew the Sunnydale Slayer. Anyway, my sister and I went to Europe and finally settled down in Italy. That's where I met him. He's... Well, to tell you the truth I don't know exactly what he is. He won't let Willow anywhere near him, though. They call him the Immortal in Rome."

"As far as I know, he is."

"I don't know. We don't really have a lot in common. He likes to buy me things and I like to get things. He may be truly immortal and I'm really hard to kill; or at least, it's really hard for me to stay dead. We both like to go out dancing. I still don't speak Italian very well so movies and television are confusing. We stay in a lot and just hang out, talk, that kind of thing."

"I don't know. Maybe the total lack of angst is the cause of all the wiggins. Suddenly my life is as close to perfect as it ever gets and I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have a good job that, according to my boyfriend, I don't really need unless I just want to work. My sister and I are spending more quality time together than ever. I talk to at least one of my friends every night. Even though we're all in different countries, we're closer than ever. No signs of an apocalypse anywhere. It's freaking me out."

"Yeah, you got the Reader's Digest condensed version but that's it. So what do you think?"

"Oh. Dr. Wheeler, huh? What was that number again?"

"Oh my God!"

"I did, didn't I? I am so good."

"Did you see that last one?"

"Hey, I did not lie."

"No I didn't!"

"Did not!"

"You were the one trying to cheat. And besides, your arms or whatever are so much longer than mine."

"You're trying to weasel out of our bet, aren't you?"

"Am not. And you are the one who said 'let's make things interesting.' I'm the one who didn't want to play for money. Or anything esle."

"I did not! Sharp, pointy object hurled with force at a small target- it's a natural talent."

"I told you I haven't ever played darts before and I haven't."

"Hey, I'm heading out of here."

"Thanks. It was great of you to listen to all my babbling."

"No, I'm not stationed here permanently. Once we bring Faith back I-"

"Well, of course we can. We just have to collect all the ingredients and wait for the stars to align or the moon to wax or something. She'll be pretty dangerous the first month or so bu-"

"Faith?"

"Heh. Where did you get the idea that she was the Sunnydale Slayer?"

"I can't believe she's been telling people that! When we get her back, I am going to kick her ass. Well, I'll wait a month and then kick her ass. Even I don't want to mess with right after she comes back."

"Well yeah, she did live there for a while and she was the head of the Slayer line when the potential Slayers were activated and she did fight in the battle against the First, but she wasn't the Sunnydale Slayer."

"Oh, I was. Buffy Summers. Nice to meet you."

"Yes, me."

"What?"

"And here I thought we were being very civilized. If you'd rather fight to the death, I've got thirty seconds."

"...oof..."

"...You know, I was prophesized to die at sixteen, and did, but I'm still here. I killed the Master. I survived the Order of Teraka. The Scourge of Europe fell in love with me and I with him and I still sent him and his soul to hell..."

"...hush and stop wiggling... I made my graduating class into an army and blew up an ascended demon. I've dusted Dracula a couple of times. I fought a modern-day Frankenstein monster, a troll god, and a hell god. And I won. I went knowingly to my death twice. I've killed Turok-Han. I let a vampire I loved..."

"...I said SHUT UP and be still... I let a vampire I loved burn to death because it had to be done. I helped come up with a plan to activate all the potential Slayers in the world and I stopped the First Evil. I was the Sunnydale Slayer. Now, for however long I'm here, this hellmouth is MINE and I am the Cleveland Slayer. I have had an apocalypse, it seems, like every year and I have defeated or killed everything I've come up against. And you thought...what? That you could take me? I bet someone's feeling pret-ty silly right now."

"Alright, I will if you will. See, was it so hard to be polite?"

"I don't think I caught your name..."

"Oh, come on. If I was going to stake you, you would already be dust in the wind, pal. You know my name, it's only good manners to tell me yours."

"You're kidding, right?"

"No. No, of course you're not."

"No, it's a fine name. Very popular in some circles. Well, it really was nice meeting you. I'm sure I'll be seeing you around."

"Goodnight, Will."

"Hey, Willow."

"Are you there? Did I wake you up?"

"Oh, good."

"I don't even want to talk about the plane ride, it was just that bad. My luggage is having a great time without me in St. Martinique, I'm sure."

"Yes. I called Dawn from the airport. I haven't gotten stuffy, have I? You'd tell me if I turned into Giles without noticing, wouldn't you?"

"Ick. Tweed gives me hives and I didn't even bring so much as a trashy romance for the trip."

"No, I found the house alright. I stopped off for a few drinks first."

"Yeah, thanks. That transmigration necklace worked like a charm."

"Oh. What did I say?"

"Well, you know that's what I meant."

"Apple juice actually."

"No, Faith was right. That place is a demon hot spot."

"The music wasn't bad."

"Oh no, I don't think I'll have too many problems at all while I'm here. I've already found a good snitch and I'll bet that right now he's busy telling everyone all about our little conversation."

"No, I think it'll be pretty quiet for awhile."

"Well, I'll just patrol a certain cemetary for the next few days. I have a feeling I'll find a lot of up-to-no-good types wandering by to pay their respects. Once that winds down, I'll just do random sweeps of different sections of the city every couple of days. I bet I can reduce Cleveland's demon population by a significant factor of me."

"Yeah, she's gonna owe me big time. When is he bringing her back?"

"I hope Faith enjoys the vacation and she'd better bring me something nice from Martha's Vineyard or I am never filling in for her again."

"Alright."

"You, too. Talk to you tomorrow."