(This chapter is a big pile of goo)
THE ELEDGIAS
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE: TURNING AWAY NIGHTMARES AND FILLING THE VOID
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Teyla woke slowly, listening to the sounds of the infirmary around her for a little while before daring to crack a lid. She sensed it was very early morning from the color of the light slanting in the far windows, but otherwise had no real sense of the time.
She still felt tired, as if she'd been running non-stop for days, and a headache still hammered at her skull. At least she no longer felt nauseous, but she knew she would ache for a while.
She heard a soft, hitched breath, like the sound someone makes if they're scared or crying, and turned her head.
Rodney was lying in the next bed over, asleep from the looks of it, but his brow was furrowed and his hands were clenched. His breaths were shallow, and he looked like he was in pain. He turned his head, rolling it on the pillow, then it rolled back. Whatever he was dreaming, it was obviously not pleasant.
Rodney's breath hitched again. He was scared. His hands unclenched then clenched again, and one of them lifted up, fingers spidering out, as if reaching for something.
She wanted to help him, wake him up, but her limbs felt like jelly and she was so tired still….
The soft whoosh of the doors whispered across the room, and Teyla closed her eyes again to feign sleep. She wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone, and hoped in particular that it wasn't Halling or Doctor Weir. She couldn't handle either of them right now.
Someone walked quietly up to the beds, the boots impacting the floor those of the Atlantian military, which meant it wasn't Halling. She felt the person come up to her bedside and knew he or she was studying her. She kept her eyes closed and her breathing even, glad that she was no longer hooked up to any monitors that would tell them she was faking. Finally, the person sighed softly, and then she felt a gentle hand touch her brow, brushing the hair off her forehead and away from her face, for which she was grateful. It had been irritating her, but was too tired to do it herself.
"I'm sorry, Teyla," John's voice offered quietly.
She tried not to frown, and give away the fact that she was awake. Why was he apologizing? How could he have known what had happened? Carson had already explained it to her, and, had she been in their shoes, and Rodney had accused Ronon or John of not being themselves, she would have reacted exactly the same—with disbelief. Certainly, she would like to think she would have given Rodney the benefit of the doubt, but would she have?
Well, now she would.
But probably not before.
She'd tell him this when she felt better, when she wasn't so tired.
John's hand lifted away, and she heard him turn around and walk away.
Cautiously, she opened her eyes to slits, peering from between her lashes.
Sheppard stood over Rodney's bed now, watching the scientist fight whatever demons lay in his dreams. McKay's head continued to toss, and the hands continued to fist.
Incredibly gently, the colonel took one of the fisted hands in his good hand and simply held it, working his fingers under the other man's to loosen them.
"Calm down, Rodney," John whispered. "It's okay now. You did just fine. We're all okay."
Rodney's head stopped turning, the forehead wrinkling in confusion. He wasn't awake, but somehow, he had heard. Sheppard repeated the statement again, the same words, which sounded almost scripted, as if he'd said them a hundred times before. When the scientist's brow finally smoothed out and the hands stopped clenching, Sheppard smiled, then, as he did with Teyla, reached up to brush some of the hair sticking to Rodney's forehead away from his face. The kind touch seemed to relax the scientist even more. As Teyla watched, Rodney's breathing grew deeper and the head lolled to one side, the tension that had lined it before fading. And the colonel released the hand, resting it back down on the bed.
She wondered how often the colonel had done this, because he seemed well versed. She almost wanted to open her eyes and ask him, but decided not to.
She realized that she was witnessing something very private to the colonel. Something that, had she or Rodney been awake, John would never have done, because all three of them would have been embarrassed by it. She'd blush, and Rodney would have said something cutting to cover his discomfort, and the colonel would have simply nodded and disappeared, as he usually did.
So, instead, she just shut her eyes fully once more.
And went back to sleep.
When Sheppard turned around to look at her again, though, he saw a smile on her face that hadn't been there before. And it made him smile as well.
Because she looked happy.
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Teyla was talking softly with Doctor Weir when Halling came to visit, the tall man standing respectfully to one side as Elizabeth stood up and bade farewell to the other woman. The expedition leader also nodded a friendly hello and goodbye to Halling as she sidled past, to which Halling gave his usual gentle smile in return.
Teyla shifted up a little on the infirmary bed, feeling better than she did last night, when Sheppard had visited her and Rodney. Turning her head, she glanced at the bed near hers, where Rodney continued to sleep. The knock on his head combined with the android had really done a number on him. He hadn't been awake more than a few times since their return yesterday morning, which, considering that some people were feeling rather guilty about facing him, was something of a good thing.
Halling followed her gaze, then gave her a nod. He knew her intention was to ask him to speak quietly, so as not to disturb the scientist.
"How is he?" he whispered, moving to sit on the edge of her bed, glancing at McKay.
"Doctor Beckett assures me he will be fine," Teyla replied, just as softly. She arched an eyebrow, "I assume you already know that I will be fine as well?"
"Yes," Halling said, turning his gaze back to her. "I spoke with Doctor Beckett earlier. He seems certain you will make full recovery."
She nodded once, "Yes." She smiled at him, but there was a tension in it that hadn't been there before. Recognizing this, Halling looked down, unable to meet her searching gaze for too long.
"I am sorry, Teyla," he said finally, his tone despondent.
Her eyes widened a little, then she nodded, trying not to show how relieved and pleased she was. Finally! He was apologizing for not trusting her earlier about the ruins. "It's all right, Halling," she replied generously. "I can understand why you did it."
Halling sighed again, looking up at her. "Had I even considered that the ruins might be dangerous, I would…well, I would not have insisted you be the one that explored them."
Her eyes narrowed slightly, confused. He wasn't apologizing for hiding the ruins from her? Then why was he apologizing? "I'm sorry?" she said, blinking a little. "I do not understand."
"I never meant harm to come to you," he explained.
Her brow furrowed more, confused. "I still do not understand, Halling. You are apologizing to me because I got hurt? Are you saying you wished this harm had fallen to others?"
Halling grimaced, "No, no, of course not." He shook his head, "I only meant…I do not like seeing you hurt."
Her eyes lessened their scrutiny, and she gave him a dry look. "Ah."
He continued to look down, studying his hands. After a moment, he sighed. "Part of me…wishes I had never told you of the ruins at all. Then no one would have gotten hurt. You," he glanced at the sleeping figure on the other bed, "or Doctor McKay."
She studied him a moment, then shook her head, trying not to show frustration at his continuing blindness. Elizabeth had mentioned that Halling had forbidden them from returning to the eledgias and while Teyla understood the man's reluctance, she also understood the Atlantian's need to explore. She also knew which of the two perspective would ultimately be of the most benefit to their peoples—because she knew now that no one can hide forever.
"Halling," she said, resting a hand on his, "you do not understand. You can not prevent these people from exploring, any more than you can stop them from breathing. It is who they are. They are very curious and very determined, and they won't be held back. Not by you, not by the Wraith, not even by the Ancestors. They explore for more than just a means to defeat the Wraith--they explore for the love of it. Don't you see?"
He frowned, "Are you saying...that even if I forbid them from exploring the ruins, they will do it anyway?"
Teyla quickly shook her head. "No, Halling, that is not what I meant. They will honor your decision. My point is that it is wrong to hold them back."
Halling frowned, meeting her eyes, but he still did not seem to get it. Teyla smiled at him, holding his hand tighter.
"Just know, it is good you told me about the ruins. Even if…something worse had happened, I would hope that you would not have regretted that choice. It is important for us to study the Ancestors, to see and understand them as much as we can, so that we may learn from their example. The eledgias ruins are but one of many places we have explored this year, and there will be many more. To hide them is to allow them to be lost or forgotten, as this City itself was for so long." She tilted her head, "If you want hope for the future, you must be willing to understand and learn from your past. If we refuse to see that past, or pretend it doesn't exist, or hide from it, or hide it from others…then we will never move forward."
He was watching her, the furrowed brow lessening a little. Finally, he sighed, leaning back away from her.
"I do see your point, Teyla Emmagen. I do. But some of us…are not so sure these people are…treating our past with the respect it deserves. Moreover, they do not think that these people are worthy to make that past part of their present." He frowned, then shrugged, "And there are those…who still believe the Ancestors will return, Teyla, and want to see that their heritage has been preserved."
She watched him, her shoulders slumping a little at this.
"And you, Halling?" she asked finally. "What do you think?" It was an important question. Halling was the leader of the Athosians now, and his teachings and guidance would lead her people forward. She had been worried about the idea of a spiritual leader being in such a position, but she had hoped he would be able to see all facets of life when making his decisions.
"I…am still leery," he admitted finally.
Teyla gave a single nod, not hiding her disappointment, her eyes falling to her lap. It meant that the schism she'd felt back when he'd first told her about the ruins would continue.
Fact was, she trusted the Atlantians, in part because she now viewed the Ancestors as they did. Halling did not—he still held onto the old ways. Until one or the other changed their views, they would never have the open trust they had once. It hurt her. But…at least she understood a little better now. It made the pain of being mistrusted for allying herself with the Atlantians a little less intense.
"Well," Halling said, smiling up at her and then placing his hand other hand over hers and gripping it warmly, "in any event, I am glad you are well, Teyla. And I will try my best to…be more…in touch." He raised his eyebrows, "And I hope you will be as well. Our homes are always welcome to you, should you ever decide...to join us again."
"Thank you, Halling," she replied sincerely. "It would be nice to see you more often in Atlantis." She smiled, "And I will make an effort to visit more. I have been missing everyone very much, especially Jinto." She gripped his hand again, "In time, I too hope that we will be joined once more."
Halling smiled at that, and ducked his head in a subtle acknowledgement of her meaning. Standing, he held her hand for a moment longer, then let it go. With a nod farewell, he turned and left the infirmary.
Teyla sighed, leaning back on the pillow. She looked up at the ceiling, her eyes seeing nothing but her people in her mind's eye, wishing she could be with them more, missing the sense of community that she had left behind to be here. A knot formed in her chest from the loss that Halling had reminded her of, and she unconsciously reached up a hand to rub at it.
"He's an idiot," McKay said suddenly from the other bed.
Her head popped up, and she turned to look at him, not hiding her surprise at seeing him awake. How much had he heard? Rodney was sitting up, rubbing at his forehead beneath the bandage, trademark scowl on his face.
"What?" she asked.
"Halling. Prime Moron. Can't see past the end of his own nose," McKay stated.
Teyla frowned. After all, Halling was still her friend. "Rodney…" she said warningly.
"Oh come on. He said he didn't want to see you hurt, then he turns around and does the one thing that would hurt you more than any physical wound possibly could? What does he think, that we've corrupted you to our evil ways or something? Jesus Christ, how blind is he?"
She opened her mouth to defend Halling, then closed it again. Rodney looked pale, and when he finally lowered his hand from his face and turned his darkly shadowed eyes to look at her, she realized she didn't really want to.
And she also realized she didn't really want him to stop.
"Well," she said, baiting him a little, "Halling is doing what he thinks is best for our people."
"Oh, please," Rodney grimaced. "You're the best thing for your people. Why does he think you're here, with us? Because you like us better? That's a laugh. You can't stand us half the time." He shrugged down on the bed, pulling the blanket up as if he were cold, and leaned his head back, closing his eyes once more. "Man's an idiot if he can't see you're here because of your people," he muttered. "Total and complete moron. Highest order. Pinnacle of morondom."
She smiled brightly. She couldn't not. And the happiness she had started to feel last night grew.
"Thank you, Rodney," she said softly.
He snorted, then turned away. "Just sayin'…" he muttered, already drifting off to sleep again.
"I know," she said. "And I appreciate it."
He made a sound like a "hmmph" and then his breathing evened out again. Asleep once more.
Teyla looked up at the ceiling, the smile on her face deepening, the warmth reaching into the core of her being, the knot in her chest fading away.
Yes, she missed being the leader of her people, having their unspoken trust. She hurt that a gap had formed, a distancing of beliefs, but she also knew, if she wanted, she could go back to them. That was what Halling had been implicitly telling her with his last words. The door was not closed, and, likely, it never would be.
But she did not want to go back. She wanted to move forward, and to bring the Athosians a better future, and she could only do that here, with these people.
And, she realized, glancing at Rodney, that she was lucky. Because these people had become her family as well, if not more so. Rodney had heard what Halling had not, had known exactly what it was that Halling did that hurt her, and he had spoken to make her feel better…and he had succeeded. Between his words just now, and the colonel's behavior last night, and everyone else who had come to see her today….
Yes, she realized, she was very, very lucky.
She was where she belonged.
And someday her people would feel that too.
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To Be Concluded in Chapter 24...