Chapter 3

The Fellowship of the Fanfic

Aragorn began to write:

One fine day in sunny, sunny Gondor, lived a solemn king with a lovely bride. They were very HAPPY and CONTENT together, so that not even a HIGH SCHOOL GIRL could bring them apart.

Legolas commandeered the keyboard:

On their way to wherever they were going, they came across Legolas: who wise, fair, strong, and in all ways straight. Legolas lived with Thurandil, lord of Mirkwood, who was a KIND and NON-ABUSIVE old elf….

Gimli cut in:

And Gimli was with him, and he was Legolas' good friend, friend and nothing more, and did not have a fetish for Legolas' ears.

Legolas began to type again:

On that note, elegant, wonderful Legolas did NOT think Gimli's beard was sexy…in fact he found it quite repulsive and—

Aragorn intervened, grabbing Gimli's hand, and putting Merry at the keys instead:

And so Merry, arrived, Merry who loves Pippin as a friend and nothing more; and who knows that a High School is definitely NOT a school in a tower.

Pippin took over:

And Pippin was there, too, he was also straight, and KNEW that a High School MUST be in a tower, otherwise it cannot be logically 'high'.

Merry was reaching for the keys, but Eomer shoved him out of the way:

And it was then that wise, strong, benevolent Eomer, who always kept his bedroom activities with his wife IN THE BEDROOM and would NEVER THINK of being with anyone else, ran Merry and Pippin through, putting this silly conflict to an end.

Merry and Pippin pouted at Eomer and skulked off, only to begin arguing about High-Schools again.

"Tower!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Silence, both of you, before I actually DO run my sword through you two!" there was a hushed silence and Eomer continued:

And Eomer and his lovely wife, (who was also straight) rejoiced at the death of the two trouble makers.

Lothiriel broke in:

But fair lady Lothiriel took pity on the poor slain Halflings and buried them, with flowers and a little funeral and everything.

Aragorn stopped her from going into the details of the songs they sang and put Eowyn on:

And thus Eowyn the courageous spake, saying: "All populace of fanfiction, I have NO feelings of lust towards my brother. He is a fine man, but I am related to him, and still remember him as a wee babe. Mother always talked about how much a pudgy little thing he was…"

Eomer almost lunge tackled his sister out of the way.

And thus Eomer said to his bratty sister: "you are—"

Aragorn removed Eomer and put Sam on:

Samwise the brave was there two, he loved Frodo as a FRIEND, and he thought it silly of the late Merry and Pippin to argue over such trivial things as high schools, especially since everyone new a high school is a—

"Oh no, not you, too!" Eomer banged his head against the wall.

"What?" said Sam, all I was going to say is that it's a place where people ages fourteen through seventeen go to learn."

"That's the most ridiculous one I've heard yet!"

Gandalf sat down to conclude the fanfic:

The point is: all of us members of the fellowship are not even close to the what you fanfic authors making us into. You are slandering us in horrible ways. Legolas and Gimli have a special friendship, but you people took that a step further. Eomer and Lothiriel, well, the only positive comment I can make is: well, at least they are still just with one another. But that is bound to change.

Frodo and Sam share a special bond, one that has now been sullied by gossip. And Merry and Pippin: oh, poor Merry and Pippin, how they have been abused. On the note of abuse, Thurandil is a trustworthy man, he would never abuse anyone, especially not his own flesh and blood. And Eowyn, poor Eowyn accusing her on incest this is an outrage!

Also, I abhor Saruman, he is a traitor, I would never perform such obscene acts with him, or anyone else for that matter. I am an immortal wizard! I do not do such things!

I hope this had made it clear to all of you…good day.

P.S. You all should know that a high school is a—

"NOOOOOOOO!" Eomer was literally hurling himself at the keyboard, his finger jamming down on the "submit" button.

"Well," said Aragorn, "The deed is done."

Eomer panted: "and the end of that stupid discussion."

"Now we must destroy this accursed machine!" said Aragorn, "Frodo?"

"What?"

"Can you go to Mt. Doom one last time?"

"NO…NEVER!"

"But this must be destroyed!"

"No," said Legolas, "I like it."

And so it was that they kept the machine, and parted ways. All living out their lives in peace, occasionally stopping by Rivendel for a game of Minesweeper…

-The End-

------ And so it ends (for now)...