You guys are great! I can't believe I'm getting so many wonderful reviews! I never received so many reviews on a story before. I'll try to keep this story going so you can laugh some more at the crazy antics of out favorite SW characters! Be assured, Vader will have a lot more wacky conversations in the future! I have more ideas planned for this fic! Now on to the story…
Palpatine
Luke Skywalker stumbled out of one of Coruscant's many stores; a giant wrapped package tucked under one arm. He wavered for a moment, staring around in confusion. The flashing lights, rushing traffic and the loud din of thousands of life forms befuddled his mind, that and the uncustomary alcohol rushing through his system. He still clutched the partly eaten cake in one hand and somehow had managed to keep it mostly intact.
Where had he been going? And why couldn't he remember what planet he was on? It had all seemed so clear a few moments ago when he had bought the gift. Luke shook his head, laughing. The neon lights seemed to laugh with him, which only caused Luke to laugh even harder. Passer-byes were giving him odd looks and steering wide paths around him, fear clear in their eyes. Glancing down at the gift-wrapped box, he decided he better get going to wherever it was he was supposed to be. "But where is that and why can't I remember?"
A bright red airspeeder pulled up to the curb and idled in the air. The woman driver had long red hair and amazing green eyes. "Skywalker! I found you at last!"
Luke's mouth dropped open as he openly stared at her. He had never seen such a beautiful woman in all his life and it struck him speechless. The giant package started to sag towards the ground and Luke did nothing to stop it. He just stood there gawking at her while the box landed near his feet.
"Skywalker! Don't just stand there like an idiot, get in the speeder!" She bellowed at him.
"M…me?" Luke asked.
"I don't see anyone else named Skywalker around here, do you? Now get in! Don't make me tell you again."
Luke took an unsteady step towards the red speeder. His boot tip hit the box and he tripped over it, falling to the metal walkway with a thud and partly crushing the box. He groaned, and then rolled over onto his back.
"Oh, for Forces's sake! And here I thought you'd be a challenge!" She leaped out of the airspeeder and went over to the drunk Jedi. Gripping him under his arms, she yanked him roughly to his feet quite easily. She steered him toward the waiting vehicle and shoved him at the passenger's seat. "Now get in! I don't have all day."
"Wait! My cake!" Luke pushed away from the speeder and stumbled back to his box and cake. Picking them up had almost been more than he could handle and for a long moment he was sure he was about to take another face-dive into the dirt. Only the mysterious woman's firm grasp of the back of his shirt saved him from that embarrassment. For the second time he allowed her to herd him to the speeder and he clumsily got in.
"Skywalker, you better not smear that chocolate all over my speeder or your one dead Jedi!"
*.*.*.*
Darth Vader picked himself up, brushing a few wet flowers off his black armor. The first thing he noticed was that his speeder was gone. "Luke appears to have taken my speeder."
"Oh, that's just great!" Leia moaned as she imagined all the horrible things that could happen to her drunk brother behind the steering wheel of a supped-up airspeeder. None of them were very pleasant. "He'll probably cause some major pile-up somewhere! He's not used to drinking, you know."
"I gathered that." Vader remarked dryly. "Never fear, Daughter. We will soon have him safe and sound. I have a tracking device on my speeder and we'll know exactly where he is within moments."
Pulling a small device off his belt, Vader activated it. A map of Imperial City appeared in the device's window and Leia moved closer so she could peer at it, too. The single red blinking dot held their attention, for it represented the location of the missing speeder. "He's in the shopping district," Vader explained to his daughter. "The light isn't moving, so he must have parked the speeder."
"Or crashed."
Vader closed his eyes, reaching out with the Force towards his son. The jumbled impression he received reassured him that Luke was all right for the moment, if a bit tipsy. "He is uninjured."
"Well, that's a relief." Leia said. "We better go get him before something else happens!"
They were about to go get Vader's other airspeeder when Han stuck his head out the open door. "Hey, Pops! There's some old geezer on the com for you!"
Vader's anger surged anew at the sight of General Solo. It was his fault that Luke was lost in Coruscant somewhere, drunk and high on caffeine! "What do you want now, Solo? What 'old geezer' are you referring to?"
"How the heck am I supposed to know who he is?" Han complained sourly. "He's just some old wrinkled guy with blood-shot eyes wearing some hooded bath-robe thing. Wait, I'll go ask who he is…"
"Han!" Leia exclaimed, her brown eyes opening wide. "That's Emperor Palpatine!"
"Huh? No wonder he looked so ugly." Han turned around to go back inside. "I'll tell him to go drop dead."
"NO!" Vader hurried after Han and gripped the smuggler by his shoulder. "You will do no such thing while you're staying at my house! Are you trying to get me killed?"
"Of course not!" Han tried to wiggle out of Vader's grasp. "It's Palpatine I'm trying to kill, not you!"
"Then I suggest do not make threats to the Emperor from MY palace on MY com!"
"Gee, you sure are fussy!" Han mumbled and tore out of Vader's grasp. "Where's your kitchen?"
"Why?" Vader asked, suspicious.
"I need to bake another poison cake since Luke screwed up my plan! What else do you think?"
"NO! NO MORE POISON FOODS!" Vader bellowed as he lost control of his temper. "Do not interfere, Solo. My son is still lost and if you're correct, the Emperor wishes to speak to me. If you value your life, do not move from that spot. And I want you nowhere near my kitchen, ever. You have done enough damage for one day."
Vader stalked past Han and went into the other room where the com was. His boss was waiting there for him, the image in three-D. "What is thy bidding, My Master?"
"You will join me at my palace, Lord Vader. We have things to discuss."
"I will be there shortly." Vader bowed his helmeted head in respect, and then watched as the transmission was terminated at the other end. His mind quickly went through a list of possible things Palpatine could want and came up with no sure answer. The message had been extremely short and vague. Had the Emperor found out about the Rebels staying in his home so soon? And hadn't Palpatine sounded a bit … odd? Vader turned to Han. "What did you say to him before you called me?"
"Nothing! Just that you were outside." Han said as he backed away from the Sith Lord. "Hey, how was I supposed to know that was the Emperor? He looks a lot more mummified since the last time I saw his mug on the holo news."
"I must go see what the Emperor wants." Vader shook a finger at Han, which the Sith Lord was suspecting didn't do any good at all. "And you are to stay here while I'm gone. Do not answer my com."
"Whatever you say, Pops!" Han smiled.
"But what about Luke? We just can't leave him out there by himself!" Princess Leia protested. "I doubt if he was ever drunk in his entire life. Why, there's no telling what he might do!"
"Oh, very well. Take my speeder and go see if you can find him while I meet with the Emperor." Darth Vader handed Leia the tracking device and a hand held com unit. "If you find him, call me. And if I find out anything, I'll call you."
The three left Vader's palace, with Chewie staying behind to guard the Falcon. Besides, a Wookie would stand out too much in Imperial City. Han and Leia left in one airspeeder while Vader took a third speeder he had. Being second only to Palpatine himself, Vader could buy as many speeders as he wanted and in this case they all came in handy.
*.*.*.*
Darth Vader stepped through the double doors and into the Emperor's Throne Room. What met him there was total chaos! The Dark Lord paused for a moment, confused, trying to figure out exactly what was going on here. But as hard as his mind worked on the scene before him, it made no sense whatsoever.
At least he had found his missing son.
Luke sat in the Emperor's throne, laughing gleefully as the chair spun around and around. His face was smeared with chocolate and what appeared to be a big gob of cake was clutched in one hand. How Luke had come to be here and sitting in the throne chair was a total mystery.
Palpatine glanced up at Vader from where he stood near the spinning throne, hutched over. There was chocolate smeared around his mouth and crumbs down the front of his robe. "Come in, Lord Vader! Don't lurk in the doorway like that. Your son has brought me some wonderful things!"
"Things, My Master?" Darth Vader asked cautiously. There was some large object near the Emperor's feet but he couldn't make out what it was yet, just that it was large and square.
Palpatine picked up a long wooden bat and held it at the ready. "That new chef you have is a genius, Lord Vader! I haven't had this much energy in years!"
Dread began to build in Vader. Surely Palpatine hadn't been eating that poison cake Solo had baked? "Chef?"
"Don't be so modest, Lord Vader! You know perfectly well I mean that delicious Mummy Cake! It even had the name written on it in frosting! How clever." Palpatine bent over the object, poised to attack. The square box that rested on the floor had a dozen round holes on its surface. Without warning, a whomp rat poked its head out of one of the holes. Palpatine swung the bat, hitting the rat squarely on its head. He laughed evilly and struck another rat, then aimed for a third that popped out.
HO-PAH. HO-PAH. HO-PAH.
Vader couldn't believe his eyes. Emperor Palpatine was playing Whomp Rat!
Luke clung to the hand rests of the throne as it spun faster and faster. His head was pressed to one side as centrifugal force gripped him. His face started to take on a greenish tone as the mix of spinning and alcohol caught up with him.
Palpatine leaped up and down, as he grew more excited with the game. The rats popped up and down faster, causing Palpatine to miss bashing them with his bat. "DIE! DIE! DIE, YOU HORRIBLE RODENTS!!"
Vader stood where he was, utterly speechless.
The Emperor grew angrier as the game continued to best him at every opportunity. His swings went wild, totally missing the round holes he was aiming at. He was always too slow, too late. Fed up, Palpatine dropped the bat and called upon the Dark Side. Aiming at the game, he began to fry it with Force Lightning at he cackled like a maniac.
The throne unscrewed itself from the floor and toppled over. Luke went flying and landed several feet away from the busted chair. The room spinning wildly around him, he weakly crawled to a shaft that partly stuck up out of the floor. Gripping its rim with both hands, Luke pulled himself part way up and promptly threw up into the opening.
Darth Vader found himself idly wondering what the vomit would do to the power supply at the bottom of the building.
Filled with Force Lightning, one of the mechanical Whomp Rats picked up the dropped bat and started beating on Palpatine with it. More angry rats leaped out of their holes and raced at the now startled Emperor. Hands in the air, Palpatine ran from the room screaming. "GUARDS! GUARDS! HELP!"
Going over to his sick son, Vader helped Luke to his feet. "Come, Son. It's time for us to go home."
To be continued…
Well, I hope that was funny! For a while I thought I almost lost this chapter when Word unexpectedly closed on me, but I was able to find it with the help of a friend. Can anyone guess who the lady Luke met was? Grin. I'll try to get more Xizor and Palpatine in future chapters!